The subtle habits happy elders outgrow (and how you can too)

During a silent retreat in northern Thailand a few years ago, I watched a 76‑year‑old monk sweep fallen teak leaves at dawn. Every stroke of his broom looked effortless, almost playful—and in that moment I realised ‘old age’ and ‘lightness’ aren’t mutually exclusive.

If you’re wondering how some people stay genuinely joyful well into their seventies and eighties—while others seem weighed down by bitterness or regret—this article is for you.

Because the difference isn’t just about luck, genetics, or good health. It’s often about what people have learned to let go of.

I’ve spent time in Buddhist temples across Southeast Asia, sat with elders who radiate peace, and spoken with Western retirees who live with purpose and lightness.

The common thread?

It’s not that their lives were easier. It’s that, over time, they released the habits that no longer served them.

In Buddhism, this is the essence of non‑attachment: not pushing life away, but gently releasing the mental patterns that keep us stuck in suffering.

In this guide, we’ll explore eight specific habits that joyful people tend to shed as they age. I’ll sprinkle in a few snapshots from my own journey—moments that showed me the practical side of these ideas—and back everything up with research so you know it isn’t just feel‑good philosophy.

1. The Habit of Holding Grudges

When we hold grudges, we keep the story of our hurt alive. We rehearse it. We reinforce it. And in doing so, we lock ourselves into the past.

The joyful elders I’ve met have learned to let go—not because they were never wronged, but because they value peace more than punishment. Research shows that forgiveness lowers blood pressure, improves sleep, and even reduces the risk of heart attack.

Personal note: I once asked an 82‑year‑old Vietnamese farmer how he coped with the losses he’d seen during the war. He tapped his chest and said, “Nếu tôi mang thù, tôi mang nặng ở đây” (“If I carry revenge, I carry weight here”). That line still echoes whenever old resentments try to settle in my own heart.

Practical tip: Try writing a letter to someone you resent—but don’t send it. Write everything you need to say, then close the letter with, “And now, I release this from my heart.”

2. The Habit of Needing to Be Right

The need to be right creates a subtle tension in relationships. It turns conversations into competitions and erodes connection.

Older adults who embody joy tend to prioritise harmony over ego. Socioemotional Selectivity Theory shows that as people age and become more aware of time’s finitude, they naturally favour emotionally meaningful experiences over conflict.

Confession: In my thirties I could debate the nutritional merits of bánh mì for hours. A decade later I’d rather split the sandwich and enjoy the company.

3. The Habit of Rushing

Many people live like they’re running out of time—even when they’re not. The happiest older adults I’ve spoken with have slowed down. They move through life with mindful grace—not because they fear death, but because they savour life.

Mindful‑eating research finds that deliberately slowing the pace of a meal increases satisfaction and decreases stress hormones.

Try this: Next time you eat, don’t multitask. Just eat. Taste. Chew. Pause. That slight discomfort you feel is your nervous system relearning how to be here.

4. The Habit of Comparing

Comparison steals joy at every age—but especially in later life, when milestones become more personal than public.

A study of 455 older adults showed that upward social comparisons (measuring yourself against someone “better”) can depress life satisfaction, whereas downward or neutral comparisons leave mood intact or even improve it.

Snapshot from my notebook: Over coffee in Melbourne, my 79‑year‑old aunt once shrugged at a friend’s luxury cruise photos and said, “I took a nap in the garden today—best trip of my week.” That’s wisdom in a sentence.

5. The Habit of Over‑Attachment to Possessions

One of the most freeing things I’ve seen among happy elders is their lightness with “stuff.” 

What worked for me: After my wife and I combined two Saigon apartments into one, I realised half our belongings hadn’t been touched in a year. We donated or sold most of them—and the apartment (and my head) felt 30 m² larger overnight.

6. The Habit of Dwelling on Regret

By the time you hit your seventies, you’ve made your share of mistakes. We all have. Joyful people don’t dwell; they digest. Self‑compassion research shows that older adults who treat themselves kindly bounce back faster from past errors and experience higher overall wellbeing.

Reframe: When a regret resurfaces, ask: “What would I tell a friend in the same situation?” Then offer yourself that compassion.

7. The Habit of Taking Things Personally

Most people’s behaviour says more about them than about us. Neuro‑imaging studies suggest that emotional reactivity to negative social cues actually declines with age, freeing mental bandwidth for more positive pursuits.

Mini‑mantra: “That’s their energy. I don’t have to carry it.”

8. The Habit of Avoiding Change

Ironically, those who accept impermanence age better. Resilience research finds that older adults who consciously practise adaptability report higher life satisfaction and lower depression scores.

My experience: After losing a close friend, I spent months clutching at “how things used to be.” Relief came only when I began greeting each day—and each memory—without forcing it to match the past.

Mindfulness Exercise: The Gentle Letting Go

If you’ve noticed any of these habits in yourself, that’s good news. Awareness is the first step toward transformation.

1. Sit quietly. Place one hand on your chest. Feel the breath moving in and out.

2. Name the habit or thought that’s gripping you. Example: “I’m comparing myself again.”

3. Inhale and say (silently): “I see you.” Exhale and say: “I release you.”

Repeat for a few minutes. Even short mindfulness practices calm the default‑mode network—the brain system linked to rumination—and strengthen regions involved in self‑regulation.

Conclusion: Lightness Isn’t Given—It’s Chosen

Happiness in your seventies, eighties, and beyond doesn’t arrive by accident. It’s cultivated. It’s protected. And, perhaps most importantly, it’s made possible by what you choose to let go of.

In Buddhism, non‑attachment doesn’t mean detachment; it means freedom from grasping. The elders who seem light, joyful, deeply present? They’re not without sorrow. They’ve just stopped clinging to it.

So ask yourself gently: What am I still carrying that no longer serves me? What belief, behaviour, or burden am I ready to set down?

Let that be your starting point. And remember: You don’t have to let go all at once. You just have to begin.