If someone brings up these topics in conversation, they probably lack emotional intelligence

There’s a subtle art to conversation—one that’s invisible when it’s done well, and glaringly obvious when it’s not.

Over the years, especially as someone who’s written about emotional intelligence and mindfulness, I’ve noticed that certain people just don’t seem to “get” how a conversation actually works. It’s not that they’re rude or even malicious. It’s that they’re not tuned in. They’re broadcasting instead of listening. Reacting instead of connecting.

And more often than not, I’ve found that people who consistently bring up certain topics in everyday conversation—especially in casual, social, or emotionally vulnerable moments—are missing something critical: emotional intelligence.

Let me explain with a few personal stories and the lessons I’ve picked up along the way.

1. Status and material wealth

I remember sitting at a dinner party once with a guy who’d just moved to Saigon. Within five minutes, he’d told us the price of his apartment, the brand of his watch, and how much his business made in passive income.

I get it. We’re all proud of our achievements. But emotionally intelligent people don’t lead with status. They know that connection is about who you are, not what you own.

When someone keeps steering conversation toward money, possessions, or how “well” they’re doing, it doesn’t make others admire them. It creates distance. It makes the space feel competitive, not connective.

Emotionally intelligent people talk about ideas, experiences, and questions—not their bank balance.

2. Other people’s flaws (especially mutual friends)

I’ve learned to tread very carefully when someone starts trash-talking a mutual friend. There’s a difference between venting about a frustrating moment and dissecting someone’s entire character behind their back.

One former acquaintance of mine had a habit of bringing up how “fake” or “manipulative” certain friends were—always with a grin, always in a “just between us” tone. At first, I nodded along, but eventually I realized: this person wasn’t being honest. They were being performative.

Emotionally intelligent people don’t tear others down to bond. They know that gossip poisons the air, even if it’s wrapped in charm.

3. Constant negativity or personal complaints

There’s a difference between vulnerability and chronic complaining. Vulnerability invites connection. Complaining pushes people away.

Years ago, I used to work with someone who brought every conversation back to how miserable he was—his boss didn’t respect him, his clients were idiots, his back hurt, his coffee was cold. And he never asked how anyone else was doing.

What he lacked wasn’t just empathy—it was self-awareness.

Emotionally intelligent people can share their struggles, but they also know when to shift gears. They have emotional boundaries, even with themselves.

4. Controversial topics at inappropriate times

We’ve all met someone who thinks a dinner party is the perfect time to bring up heated political opinions or religious critiques—often uninvited.

I once hosted a small get-together where someone decided to argue that monogamy was unnatural—while two couples at the table were celebrating their anniversaries. The vibe? Gone.

Emotionally intelligent people can read the room. They know that some conversations require trust, nuance, and the right setting. Otherwise, they’re just a monologue in a room full of people.

5. Their own achievements (over and over again)

There’s nothing wrong with sharing something you’re proud of. I do it too. But if someone constantly brings up their latest win—without being asked or without checking if others are engaged—it starts to feel less like sharing and more like flexing.

I’ve been guilty of this myself. When I first started finding success with my websites, I felt like I finally had something impressive to say. But the more I talked about traffic numbers and business growth, the more I noticed people glazing over.

Eventually, my wife gently told me, “You’re way more interesting when you’re not trying to be impressive.”

And she was right. Emotional intelligence is knowing when to put your ego aside and just be human.

6. Oversharing for validation

This one’s tricky. I deeply value honesty and emotional openness. But I’ve also sat in conversations where someone shares an incredibly personal story five minutes after meeting you—not to connect, but to shock or impress.

Real vulnerability is measured. It’s not a performance.

People who consistently overshare in inappropriate moments are often trying to fast-track intimacy. But it backfires. Instead of trust, it creates discomfort.

Emotionally intelligent people understand the rhythm of relationships. They don’t force depth—they allow it to unfold.

7. Comparison and judgment

“She’s successful, but her husband’s probably cheating on her.”
“He’s nice, but I’d never live in that part of town.”
“I could’ve done what he did if I’d just had the time.”

I’ve heard variations of these comments more times than I can count. They come from a place of insecurity, often masked as “just being honest.”

Emotionally intelligent people don’t need to compare or judge to feel okay. They recognize that comparison is the enemy of connection. When someone puts others down, what they’re really saying is: I feel small and I don’t know what to do with that.

And honestly? That’s a hard place to be.

So what’s the alternative?

The more I’ve practiced mindfulness—and just paying attention to how I show up in conversations—the more I realize that emotional intelligence isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present.

It’s asking:

• Am I trying to connect or trying to impress?

• Am I talking with people or at them?

• Am I leaving people feeling more open or more guarded?

When I started approaching conversations with curiosity instead of performance, something shifted. I stopped needing to be the most interesting person in the room. And somehow, that made me more interesting.

Final thought

If someone brings up the wrong topic at the wrong time, it doesn’t mean they’re a bad person. It just means they’re human—and maybe a little out of sync with the people around them.

But if they do it again and again, with no awareness or care for how it lands? That’s where emotional intelligence comes into play.

Because in the end, it’s not what you say. It’s how—and why—you say it.