Lachlan Brown
We all go through rough patches. But for some women, unhappiness becomes more than a passing feeling — it becomes a state of being. What makes it even more difficult is that this unhappiness doesn’t always show up as sadness or tears. Often, it hides behind subtle behaviors: a short temper, constant criticism, or even perfectionism. These aren’t signs of being “broken.” They’re signs of someone trying to cope.
I’ve seen this pattern up close — in friends, in past relationships, and even briefly in myself. There was a period when I looked like I had it all together, but inside, I was restless and deeply dissatisfied. I didn’t need therapy back then (though I’ve had it at other times); what I needed was awareness — and a willingness to let go of the beliefs and behaviors that were quietly eating away at me.
Below you’ll find nine subtle behaviors that often flag deeper unhappiness in women, plus research‑backed ways to loosen their grip.
1. Constantly needing to prove yourself
Over‑achievement can be a disguise for chronic “not‑enoughness.” The compulsion to earn worth through performance is exactly what Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön warns against when she writes, “You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.”
Shift: Notice when an action is driven by pressure rather than joy. Remind yourself that worthiness is intrinsic, not performance‑based.
2. Criticizing others — especially other women
Negative gossip delivers a brief hit of superiority, but studies show it also lowers the gossiper’s self‑esteem in the aftermath. Harsh judgments outward often mirror harsh judgments inward.
Shift: Practice “compassionate curiosity.” When a judgment arises, silently ask, What might she be struggling with right now? Extending empathy outward helps soften the inner critic too.
3. Feeling emotionally numb
Emotional suppression may keep life functioning on the surface, yet it predictably dulls emotional experience over time.Many women designated “the strong one” grow up equating feeling with weakness.
Shift: Schedule a daily two‑minute feelings check‑in. Name sensations without fixing them. Over weeks, the freeze begins to thaw.
4. Being overly controlling
Micromanagement is a hedge against uncertainty, but Buddhist psychology is blunt: grasping breeds suffering. Notice moments of clenching the jaw or bracing the shoulders — physical red flags of mental control.
Shift: Exhale and soften one muscle group. Let one small thing be imperfect today.
5. Overthinking and rumination
Endless analysis offers the illusion of control, not real problem‑solving. Thinking can’t heal what needs to be felt.
Shift: When the spiral starts, place a hand on your chest, breathe, and tell yourself: I don’t have to solve this right now; I can feel it instead.
6. Putting yourself last — all the time
Martyrdom masquerades as love but often masks depletion. Buddhism’s Metta Sutta teaches that loving‑kindness must begin with oneself.
Shift: Ask each morning, “What’s one small way I can show care to myself today?” Act on it without apology.
7. Avoiding silence and stillness
A jam‑packed calendar can be a dodge. Sitting quietly for even three minutes can surface buried grief or fear — but the monster shrinks in daylight.
Shift: Start with a timer for 180 seconds of silence. Let discomfort be data, not danger.
8. Perfectionism
Research links socially prescribed perfectionism to heightened self‑doubt and psychological distress apa.org. It isn’t about high standards; it’s about fear of being exposed.
Shift: Replace perfect with present. Ask, “Can I show up fully, even if this gets messy?” Remember: the lotus blooms from mud, not marble.
9. Feeling disconnected from joy
When chronic stress or unresolved grief dampens the nervous system, even “good” days feel flat.
Shift: Re‑train attention toward micro‑pleasures: the warmth of morning tea, birdsong outside a window. Joy is often regained through noticing, not chasing.
Letting Go with Non‑Attachment
Buddhist non‑attachment isn’t indifference; it’s freedom from clinging to roles and stories that generate suffering. Each small release — one unrealistic expectation, one harsh self‑talk loop, one compulsive behavior — creates space for peace.
If you spotted yourself in these behaviors, skip the self‑judgment. Instead, ask: What can I gently let go of today? Tiny acts of release accumulate into lasting ease.
Conclusion
Unhappiness is frequently quiet, braided into habits like over‑achievement, harsh judgment, or relentless self‑neglect. Seeing these patterns for what they are — coping strategies, not character flaws — is the first act of liberation. Begin small: one honest self‑check, one kind word to yourself, one imperfect yet wholehearted action. The path to peace isn’t self‑repair; it’s self‑meeting. You’re not broken. You’re simply ready to grow.
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