You might think it’s just a habit, but it’s really a cry for self-love

Have you ever found yourself feeling uneasy or uncertain after doing something you thought would make others happy? Or noticed that, despite your best efforts to project confidence, a small voice inside still questions your worth?

If so, you’re not alone. Many of us struggle with self-love without even realizing it—often hiding behind habits that seem helpful on the surface.

I’ve personally gone through phases in life where I bent over backward to please people, only to be left exhausted, confused, and strangely unfulfilled. It wasn’t until I started studying psychology and Buddhist mindfulness that I recognized a core issue at play: a lack of compassion for myself.

It’s amazing how the human mind can convince us we’re doing fine, all the while waving red flags in our daily behaviors.

In this article, we’ll explore some common signs that reveal an absence of self-love. We’ll discuss how these behaviors sneak into our lives, how to break free from them, and how compassion—both for ourselves and others—can serve as a powerful antidote. Let’s dive in.

1. Chronic People-Pleasing

One of the clearest signals of low self-love is chronic people-pleasing. It might look like always saying “yes” to favors, volunteering for extra work when you’re already overloaded, or habitually putting others’ wishes above your own.

While generosity is a beautiful trait, constant self-sacrifice can leave you drained and resentful.

Ask yourself: Am I doing this out of genuine kindness, or because I’m afraid of rejection? This kind of thoughtful question can reveal whether you’re prioritizing external approval over your own well-being.

I remember a time in college when I’d volunteer for every group project role, hoping others would see me as reliable or “nice.” It took me years to realize my self-esteem was tangled in their approval.

When I finally recognized this, I felt an overwhelming relief—and a healthy boundary-setting followed soon after.

2. Excessive Self-Criticism

Another red flag is excessive self-criticism. This goes beyond a healthy awareness of your mistakes; it’s the harsh internal dialogue that labels you “stupid” or “worthless” for even minor missteps.

Sometimes, this negativity disguises itself as “tough love,” but deep down, it erodes your sense of self.

Consider how you’d respond to a friend in a similar situation. If you’d offer them understanding and compassion, why wouldn’t you extend the same courtesy to yourself?

In psychological terms, people who practice self-compassion often bounce back more quickly from setbacks and show greater resilience.

Reflecting on my own journey, whenever I’ve berated myself for not being “productive enough,” it never actually helped me become more efficient. Instead, it drained my energy and focus. Learning to shift that harsh voice into a more supportive tone was incredibly liberating.

3. Difficulty Accepting Compliments

If your immediate reaction to a compliment is to brush it off—“Oh, it’s no big deal” or “I got lucky”—you might be experiencing a lack of self-love. Underneath the humility can lie a deeper belief that you’re not truly deserving of praise.

Ask yourself: Why do I feel uncomfortable when someone points out something positive about me? Allow a moment of honest reflection. In my experience, the initial discomfort is often rooted in the fear of appearing arrogant.

But genuine self-appreciation isn’t arrogance—it’s a healthy acknowledgment of your strengths.

4. Fear of Authentic Expression

Do you ever feel you must edit your thoughts or personality to be accepted? When we doubt our own worth, we often monitor how we speak, dress, or behave to align with what we believe others want.

This fear can make us censor the parts of ourselves that might actually shine the brightest.

Consider whether there are situations where you hold back from sharing your opinions or interests. A classic sign is frequently apologizing for your feelings or constantly seeking permission to express yourself.

One of the most freeing aspects of my journey was realizing I could speak my truth—even in disagreement—without losing my sense of belonging. The friendships and connections that truly matter will respect your authenticity.

5. Overdependence on External Validation

The need for outside approval can feel endless. Whether it’s chasing likes on social media, craving compliments from colleagues, or measuring your worth by someone else’s standards, this cycle never truly satisfies.

Reflect on how reliant you might be on compliments, social media metrics, or the nod of a mentor. This isn’t to say external feedback can’t be helpful; it’s just that a self-love deficit arises when we can’t function without it.

If you find yourself constantly refreshing your phone to check if someone “liked” your post, consider asking: What am I really looking for here? Often, it’s a sense of validation we haven’t yet learned to give ourselves.

6. Neglecting Personal Needs

People who lack self-love might also neglect their own needs, whether it’s physical health, emotional well-being, or spiritual growth. This could be as simple as skipping meals because you’re too busy, ignoring signs of stress, or never allowing yourself time to recharge.

Take a moment to evaluate: What do I need right now that I’m not giving myself? Sometimes we don’t even realize how parched we are until we finally allow ourselves to drink.

For instance, I once juggled multiple writing projects and commitments without breaks. It wasn’t until my body forced me to slow down—with a nasty burnout—that I recognized the importance of consistently honoring my limits.

How Compassion Can Help Transform These Behaviors

Compassion—toward yourself and others—is a powerful antidote to all these behaviors.

In Buddhism, compassion is more than just a kind sentiment; it’s an active, empathetic desire to see oneself and others free from suffering.

When you treat yourself with genuine compassion, you begin to understand that you’re a human being worthy of care. You aren’t just an instrument for pleasing others, or a flawed person needing constant shame.

Reflect on these questions:

1. How can I be kinder to myself when I make a mistake?

2. What would it look like to celebrate my strengths as much as I acknowledge my weaknesses?

3. How can I show compassion to others without neglecting my own needs?

These reflective questions help you reconnect with your own humanity, reminding you that everyone deserves understanding—including you.

Practical Shifts Toward Self-Compassion

1. Acknowledge Accomplishments: Keep a small notebook where you record your wins, no matter how small. Did you handle a stressful situation with calmness? Write it down. This acts as a counterbalance to self-criticism and helps you internalize positive feedback.

2. Set Boundaries: Compassion for yourself means protecting your energy. Practice saying “no” to requests when they threaten to overwhelm your schedule or compromise your well-being. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but healthy boundaries reinforce that you respect your own limits.

3. Practice Gentle Self-Talk: Notice how often you mentally criticize yourself. Then consciously replace those harsh words with ones you’d offer a close friend. You might say, “I’m learning and growing” instead of “I should have known better.”

4. Invite Support: Sometimes, we need another perspective to see our blind spots. A counselor, a trusted friend, or a supportive online community can help you uncover underlying patterns and encourage self-love. Remember that it’s a sign of strength, not weakness, to seek help.

5. Celebrate Authenticity: Dare to voice your true thoughts in a safe environment. Notice that feeling of relief and empowerment that comes from being yourself—unfiltered. Over time, you’ll become more comfortable with authenticity and less reliant on external validation.

Mindfulness Perspective

In Buddhism, compassion is often nurtured through mindful awareness. One simple practice that has helped me personally involves taking a few moments each day to cultivate a sense of kindness toward myself.

Try this brief mindfulness exercise:

1. Find a Quiet Place: Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and take three slow, deep breaths.

2. Awareness of the Body: Scan your body from head to toe. Notice any tension—perhaps in your forehead or shoulders—and imagine it gently loosening with each exhale.

3. Self-Compassion Mantra: Silently repeat phrases like, “May I be peaceful. May I be kind to myself. May I be free from unnecessary suffering.”

4. Hold the Feeling: If resistance arises—such as judgment or discomfort—acknowledge it and return to the compassionate phrases.

This practice might seem trivial at first, but over time, it nurtures an internal environment of kindness, reminding you that you’re worthy of your own care. It’s a subtle but powerful way to break the cycle of harsh self-judgment and habitual self-neglect.

Conclusion

When self-love is in short supply, it shows up in our everyday behaviors—even if we’re not aware of it. Chronic people-pleasing, relentless self-criticism, difficulty accepting compliments, fear of authenticity, and dependence on external validation are all telltale signs.

Yet these patterns aren’t permanent; with mindful compassion, we can begin to replace judgment and self-neglect with understanding and kindness.

Remember, you deserve the same empathy you’d naturally offer a dear friend. By staying curious about your own habits and practicing simple exercises that foster self-compassion, you’ll build a healthier relationship with yourself—and, in turn, those around you.

Embrace these insights, and allow them to guide you to a more compassionate and fulfilling life—step by gentle step.