Lachlan Brown
There was a time in my life when I didn’t like myself very much.
I don’t say that lightly. I mean the kind of low self-worth that lingers quietly in the background of your day. You smile, you show up, you even achieve things—but deep down, you feel like you’re not quite enough.
And it wasn’t until I stumbled across a Buddhist teaching that things started to shift for me. The teaching was simple, but powerful:
You, too, deserve compassion.
Not just when you’ve done well. Not just when you’ve been kind to others. But especially when you feel broken, angry, or ashamed.
In this article, I want to explore what it really means to love yourself—from a psychological, emotional, and Buddhist perspective.
We’ll look at why self-love is so difficult, how we can shift the way we speak to ourselves, and what tools or stories might help us build a more compassionate relationship with who we are.
Why loving yourself feels so unnatural
Let’s get this out of the way first: You’re not broken because self-love feels hard.
Most of us weren’t taught how to love ourselves.
We grew up learning how to perform, how to please, how to fit in. Love was often conditional—based on grades, behavior, appearance, or success.
When things went wrong, some of us were ignored or shamed. So we learned to seek validation from the outside.
It’s no wonder, then, that we internalized a harsh inner voice.
Psychologically, this voice often mirrors our early caregivers or dominant social messages. Over time, it becomes so automatic that we barely question it.
I remember working with a friend who constantly pushed herself to exhaustion. She’d beat herself up over small mistakes and say things to herself she’d never say to someone else.
When I asked her to write down the voice in her head, she cried. It wasn’t hers. It was her father’s, word for word.
Learning to love yourself begins with recognizing that voice—and gently questioning its place in your life.
The Buddhist story that changed everything
There’s an old story about the Buddha encountering a man on the road who was furious with him. The man insulted him, mocked him, and tried to provoke a reaction.
The Buddha simply stood there, calm and unmoved.
When the man finally paused, the Buddha asked, “If someone offers you a gift, and you do not accept it, to whom does the gift belong?”
The man, confused, replied, “To the one who offered it.”
“Exactly,” said the Buddha. “Then the anger and insults you offer me, I do not accept. They remain yours.”
That story stayed with me. Because it made me realize how often I accepted harshness and criticism—especially from myself.
When we internalize every negative message, we suffer needlessly.
But when we remember that not everything needs to be absorbed—especially our own conditioned self-judgment—we reclaim our power.
The path of self-love starts with noticing what you no longer have to carry.
What self-love actually looks like in practice
Self-love isn’t always about bubble baths and positive affirmations. Sometimes, it’s a quiet act of choosing not to abandon yourself when things get rough.
Here are some practices I’ve seen make a real difference:
- Talk to yourself like someone you care about. Next time you mess up or feel down, imagine a younger version of you standing in front of you. What would you say to them? Speak to yourself in that same voice.
- Notice your emotional habits. Do you shame yourself for being tired? Do you downplay your successes? Start paying attention. Awareness is the first step to change.
- Learn to sit with discomfort. Self-love isn’t about always feeling good. Sometimes it’s about staying present with your pain, instead of rushing to fix or escape it. This builds resilience.
- Create boundaries that protect your peace. Loving yourself means recognizing when you need rest, space, or support—and honoring that without guilt.
- Celebrate progress, not perfection. Growth isn’t linear. There will be backslides. There will be doubt. But each moment of kindness you offer yourself is a step in the right direction.
The role of compassion in transformation
Self-love isn’t about ego. It’s not about convincing yourself you’re better than others.
It’s about seeing yourself clearly—faults, flaws, and all—and choosing to extend the same compassion you’d offer a dear friend.
This is where the Buddhist principle of compassion comes in. In the Metta (loving-kindness) meditation, we begin with ourselves before radiating love outward:
May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be safe. May I live with ease.
Some people struggle with starting with themselves. They say, “I don’t deserve it.”
But here’s the thing: If we can’t offer love inward, it’s harder to offer it outward in a genuine, sustainable way.
Self-love fuels empathy. It helps us forgive others more easily, because we’ve practiced forgiving ourselves.
A mindfulness-based shift you can try today
Here’s a simple exercise I often recommend:
- Pause for 60 seconds.
- Place your hand on your chest.
- Take 3 deep breaths.
- Silently say to yourself: “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of being human. May I be kind to myself in this moment.”
This is adapted from Dr. Kristin Neff’s self-compassion break, and I find it pairs beautifully with Buddhist mindfulness.
You don’t need to analyze your pain. You don’t need to fix it. Just notice it, name it, and respond with care.
Over time, this becomes a new habit: meeting pain not with judgment, but with presence.
Final thoughts: love isn’t a finish line
Loving yourself is not a destination you arrive at and stay forever. It’s a daily decision, a practice, a relationship you build over time.
You won’t always get it right. But that’s okay. Even noticing that is part of the practice.
In my experience, the more compassion we offer ourselves, the more space we create—for healing, for joy, for deeper connection.
And maybe that’s the real gift of self-love: it allows us to come home to ourselves, again and again.
So if you’re on this path, keep going.
You are worth the effort.
Every single time.
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