A mindful guide to honoring your limits

Ever said “yes” when you meant “no,” apologized for things that weren’t your fault, or quietly endured discomfort just to avoid conflict?

I’ve been there, too. I spent years trying to be “the nice guy,” confusing kindness with self-abandonment. 

I thought I was being mindful, even spiritual, by always accommodating others. But behind that calm façade was resentment, exhaustion, and a subtle sense of betrayal—towards myself.

Eventually, I realized that healthy boundaries aren’t walls. They’re bridges. They allow us to connect with others authentically without losing ourselves in the process.

Today, we’ll explore a few powerful tools that helped me reclaim my space without sacrificing compassion.

Why is it so hard to set boundaries?

Before we dive into solutions, it’s important to understand why setting boundaries can feel so uncomfortable—even threatening.

1. Early conditioning and people-pleasing

From a young age, many of us were taught—explicitly or implicitly—that being “good” meant keeping others happy. We learned to value harmony over honesty, compliance over conflict. 

And while these lessons may have helped us survive in our early environments, they often don’t serve us in adulthood.

Psychologically, this behavior is rooted in fawning, a stress response where we appease others to avoid rejection or punishment. It’s a form of self-protection that becomes self-erasing.

2. Fear of rejection or conflict

Another common reason we avoid setting boundaries is fear: fear of being disliked, judged, or abandoned. For some, confrontation feels like a threat to connection. So we endure the discomfort quietly, hoping it will resolve itself (it rarely does).

3. Misunderstanding compassion

In my own journey, I mistook compassion for self-sacrifice. I thought being spiritual meant always yielding. But real compassion includes yourself—your time, your energy, your wellbeing.

Reclaiming your space with clarity and kindness

Now that we understand the roots of the challenge, let’s explore how to actually set boundaries—and stand by them—in a way that honors both yourself and the people around you.

1. Start with self-awareness

One of the first things I did when I started this work was to tune into my body.

As Dr. Gabor Maté insightfully notes, “When we have been prevented from learning how to say no, our bodies may end up saying it for us.”

I noticed that certain interactions left me feeling tense or drained. These were signs that my boundaries were being crossed—even if I hadn’t yet verbalized them.

Take a moment and reflect:

• Where in your life are you saying “yes” when you really mean “no”? 
• What relationships feel one-sided or energy-draining? 
• When do you leave conversations feeling small, resentful, or unseen? 

Trust me on this one. Real awareness is almost always the first step toward change.

2. Anchor in your values, not just emotions

Emotions can be fleeting. One day you might feel courageous, the next unsure. That’s why it’s essential to root your boundaries in values.

For example, if you value honesty, then saying “no” respectfully becomes a way to live in integrity. If you value self-respect, then asking someone not to speak to you a certain way becomes an act of alignment—not aggression.

In my case, I started saying no not because I was angry, but because I valued peace of mind. That shift changed everything.

3. Use the “Clear and Kind” formula

Here’s a simple structure I’ve used for years:

• State your boundary clearly: “I’m not available for work calls after 7 PM.” 
• Offer brief context if helpful: “That’s my time to rest and recharge.” 
• Be kind but firm: “I appreciate your understanding.” 

Notice there’s no apology, no over-explaining. Just clarity and kindness.

You can even practice this script in front of a mirror. I did. It felt awkward at first, but over time, I began to speak from a place of calm confidence.

4. Expect discomfort—but don’t let it dictate you

One of the most liberating things I learned is that setting boundaries isn’t supposed to feel comfortable at first. As put by renowned researcher and author Brené Brown: 

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

Courage is needed, no doubt. Sometimes, people won’t like your boundaries—especially if they benefitted from you not having any. 

But that’s okay. You’re not responsible for their reaction; you’re responsible for your truth.

5. Release guilt through non-attachment

The Buddhist principle of non-attachment teaches us that clinging—to outcomes, to others’ approval, to fixed ideas of who we should be—causes suffering.

When it comes to boundaries, non-attachment invites us to:

• Let go of needing others to agree with us 
• Release the guilt of not always being available 
• Trust that relationships based on truth are more resilient than those based on compliance

Non-attachment doesn’t mean apathy. It means releasing the need to control how others respond to your boundaries. It means letting go of the fear-based urge to manage their emotions or reactions.

In my own experience, practicing non-attachment gave me the inner space to say things like:

• “I care about you, but I can’t meet up every time you ask.” 
• “I understand you’re upset, and I still need that boundary.” 

When you’re not attached to being liked or understood in every moment, you become free to be honest. And that honesty is what fosters deeper, healthier relationships in the long run.

Saying no to a lifelong friend

Let me share a quick story.

A few years ago, a close friend would regularly call me late at night to vent. At first, I listened patiently—I wanted to be there. But over time, I noticed I was dreading his calls. I wasn’t sleeping well. I felt drained.

I wrestled with guilt. “He needs me,” I thought. “What kind of friend would say no?”

But eventually, I realized that showing up resentfully wasn’t real support. So one evening, I told him:

“Hey, I care about you. But I’ve realized I need to stop taking calls after 9 PM to take care of my health. I’m happy to talk during the day if you need.”

He was surprised—and yes, a bit hurt at first. But he respected it. Over time, our friendship actually improved because I was no longer secretly resentful.

That’s the paradox: boundaries can create more connection, not less.

Conclusion: you’re allowed to take up space

If you take just one thing from this, let it be this: You’re not selfish for setting boundaries. You’re sovereign.

Standing up for yourself isn’t about pushing others away. It’s about standing in your truth so you can meet others from a place of wholeness.

In my journey—through psychology, Buddhism, and lots of trial and error—I’ve found that the more I honor my boundaries, the more energy I have to offer real compassion, not performative niceness.

So the next time you feel that familiar tug-of-war between saying what you need and keeping the peace, pause. Breathe. And remember: You can be both kind and clear. You can honor others without abandoning yourself.

And that, my friend, is the beginning of real freedom.