Stop forcing presence. There’s a gentler way to ease stress and feel more grounded

You’re overwhelmed. Maybe your mind is juggling tomorrow’s deadlines, last week’s regrets, and that awkward conversation from three years ago. You know you should “be present” and “let it go”—but that advice often feels frustratingly vague, if not completely out of reach.

I’ve been there.

After studying psychology and immersing myself in Buddhist philosophy for over a decade, I’ve realized something crucial: staying present isn’t about doing more—it’s often about letting go of what’s in the way. That’s where most advice falls short.

We think presence is about concentration, or control, or calm. But the truth is much messier and more liberating.

In this article, I’ll share seven strategies that can help you stay grounded and reduce stress—not by trying harder, but by trying differently. These tools draw from psychology, mindfulness, and the Buddhist principle of non-attachment—a gentle but powerful practice of releasing what no longer serves you.

Let’s start with something you might not expect.

1. Stop trying to relax (it’s making you more tense)

It sounds paradoxical, right? You sit down to meditate or breathe deeply—and somehow feel more stressed.

That’s because forcing yourself to relax creates resistance, and resistance is stress. When we try to force calmness, we’re subtly telling ourselves: “This moment isn’t okay as it is.”

I’ve found it far more effective to notice your tension rather than fight it. Try saying this to yourself next time you feel overwhelmed:

“It’s okay that I feel this way right now.”

That simple phrase is a form of non-attachment. You’re not identifying with the stress, nor trying to erase it. You’re acknowledging its presence without letting it define you.

Psychologist Carl Rogers said it well:

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

2. Name 5 things you’re noticing (then let them go)

This is one of the simplest tools I teach, and it’s weirdly effective—especially when your mind is racing.

Here’s how it works:

1. Pause and look around.

2. Name five things you can see.

3. Name four things you can hear.

4. Name three things you can feel.

5. Name two things you can smell.

6. Name one thing you’re grateful for.

But here’s the twist: once you notice each thing, let it go. Don’t analyze. Don’t compare. Just greet it like a cloud drifting by.

When paired with non-attachment, it teaches your brain: I can notice without clinging. I can let go without losing awareness.

3. Let go of “should” thinking

One of the most stressful habits we all fall into is should-ing ourselves into exhaustion.

• “I should be more productive.”
• “I should be happier.”
• “I should have figured this out by now.”

This mental rigidity keeps us trapped in imagined versions of reality—and far from the present.

In Buddhism, non-attachment doesn’t just mean letting go of things—it means letting go of expectations. I used to think I needed to be “zen” all the time to be present. Ironically, that kept me stuck in shame when I wasn’t.

So here’s a powerful shift: replace “should” with “could.”

• “I could rest now.”
• “I could respond differently.”

The word could introduces possibility rather than pressure—and possibility opens the door to peace.

4. Use movement instead of stillness

This one surprises a lot of people. You don’t need to sit cross-legged in silence to access presence.

In fact, moving your body can be one of the quickest ways to come home to the moment.

I walk every morning—not to “exercise,” but to reconnect. I notice how my feet feel on the ground. I observe the rhythm of my breath, the sway of my arms. If thoughts arise, I acknowledge them and come back to the motion.

Research supports this too: as noted by the folks at North Dakota State University have noted,  “walking promotes the release of brain chemicals called endorphins that stimulate relaxation and improve our mood”. 

So if you can’t sit still? Don’t. Just move with awareness.

5. Don’t clear your mind—watch it wander

Here’s a secret many meditation teachers won’t tell you: your mind isn’t meant to be empty.

Trying to “clear your thoughts” is like trying to stop the wind. What works better is changing your relationship with your thoughts.

One practice I use is called thought labelling. When a thought pops up, I mentally say:

• “Planning”

• “Worrying”

• “Remembering”

• “Judging”

This creates just enough space to observe without engaging. It’s a form of non-attachment in action—you’re not pushing the thoughts away, but you’re also not letting them carry you off.

It’s surprisingly freeing to realize: you don’t have to stop your mind. You just have to stop believing everything it says.

6. Stress is not your enemy—it’s a messenger

This may be the most counter-intuitive idea of all: stress is trying to help you.

Yes, it’s uncomfortable. But from a psychological standpoint, stress is often your body’s way of saying:

• “Something matters here.”
• “Pay attention.”
• “There’s something unresolved.”

Instead of judging the stress, ask it questions:

• What are you protecting me from?

• What do you need me to hear?

• What am I afraid will happen?

This mindful inquiry turns stress into a source of self-awareness, rather than shame. It’s what I call compassionate non-attachment—you don’t cling to the stress, but you don’t dismiss it either.

7. Let go of the goal to “be present”

This might sound odd coming from someone who’s spent years practicing mindfulness, but here’s the truth:

Presence is a byproduct—not a goal.

When you chase presence, it slips away. When you relax your grip, it often arrives.

So instead of striving for presence, shift toward curiosity. Ask:

• “What’s here right now?”

• “What does this moment want to show me?”

• “Can I feel this without needing it to change?”

That curiosity is presence—effortless, open, and real.

Non-attachment as spaciousness

In Buddhist teaching, non-attachment doesn’t mean indifference—it means freedom.

Imagine holding a bird in your hand. Cling too tightly, and you hurt it. Open your hand completely, and it flies away. But if you let it rest gently? It might stay. That’s non-attachment.

I’ve found that when I try to “control” my mind, my emotions, or even my healing—I suffer more. But when I practice spacious awareness, something shifts.

Thich Nhat Hanh taught:

“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free”

Staying present isn’t about perfect focus. It’s about making space—for whatever is here.

Non-attachment invites you to trust that space.

You’re closer than you think

If there’s one thing I hope you take away from this, it’s this:

You don’t have to force presence—you can simply allow it.

Stress and distraction aren’t failures; they’re invitations. Each moment offers a chance to return, to release, to befriend what’s here.

You don’t need to master meditation or become a monk to feel calm and connected. You just need a few tools, a little compassion, and the willingness to let go of what doesn’t serve you.

And the best part? The moment you stop chasing presence is often the moment you finally feel it.