How to recognise early relationship patterns that quietly point to a break-up

You meet, you click, and—if Hollywood ruled real life—you would glide into happily-ever-after. Yet seasoned therapists (and most of us with a few heartbreaks behind us) know that the first months of a relationship often plant seeds of its future success or collapse.

The trick is learning to spot those seeds while they’re still sprouting rather than after they’ve grown into thorny resentment.

Psychology offers some reliable clues, but Buddhism adds a gentler lens: impermanence. Everything—including the rush of new love—changes.

Seeing early patterns as fluid rather than fixed helps you respond wisely instead of clinging to early highs or ignoring early lows.

In that spirit, let’s walk through research-backed warning signs, the logic behind them, and a few counterintuitive truths (for instance, why the absence of conflict is not always good news).

Contempt and criticism dressed as “honesty”

John Gottman’s longitudinal work shows that couples who sprinkle contempt and criticism into ordinary conversations are far more likely to divorce than those who keep respect front and center.

In one study tracking newlyweds, early contempt predicted break-up with over 90% accuracy.

Contempt sounds like eye-rolling, sarcasm, or “I’m just being honest” remarks that demean a partner’s character rather than address behavior.

Counter-intuitive perspective: occasional angry complaints can be healthy. Anger signals a need or boundary; contempt corrodes the bond.

Don’t fear every conflict — fear habitual superiority.

I used to think I was being “helpful” by pointing out flaws early in relationships. But looking back, I can see how that was just a disguise for judgment. The moment I shifted from “fixing” to listening, my relationships got a lot deeper—and a lot less defensive.

Stonewalling and emotional shutdown

In that same body of research, stonewalling (withdrawing while the other person tries to engage) reliably predicts later estrangement.

Physiologically, stonewallers show elevated heart rates, suggesting the shutdown is less cold indifference than emotional overwhelm.

If one partner habitually says “nothing’s wrong” while crossing arms and scrolling their phone, consider it a flashing light.

I remember dating someone who would shut down whenever things got too real. At first, I mistook it for calm. But over time, it became clear: I was the only one holding emotional space. And without mutual presence, everything just floated on the surface.

The demand–withdraw loop

Communication scholars Caughlin and Vangelist followed couples from dating through early marriage and found that patterns established in the first year—one partner pushing for discussion, the other dodging—tended to intensify over time.

Demand–withdraw isn’t about who’s right; it’s about two nervous systems locked in opposite strategies. Without intervention, both partners feel chronically unheard.

Counter-intuitive perspective: the demander often believes pushing shows commitment, but persistent pursuit can deepen the withdrawer’s “flight” response. Sometimes stepping back invites dialogue.

I’ve definitely played both roles. When I was the demander, I’d interpret silence as disinterest and push even harder. And when I was the withdrawer, I convinced myself I needed “space” when really I just didn’t know how to express what I was feeling. Mindfulness helped me see the pattern—not just in my partner, but in myself.

Low “capitalisation” of good news

Shelly Gable’s work on capitalization — how partners respond to each other’s positive events — shows that people who greet their partner’s wins with active enthusiasm (rather than indifference or muted approval) report higher relationship satisfaction over time. 

Early signs include lukewarm “nice” or quick topic changes when you share something joyful. If your achievements feel like unwelcome detours in conversation, pay attention.

One of the biggest green flags I’ve learned to appreciate is someone who celebrates your wins without making them about themselves. I once had a partner who cheered me on when I launched Hack Spirit—even when the future was uncertain. That kind of support still stands out years later.

Over-idealisation in the honeymoon phase

Positive illusions can buffer couples against stress in established partnerships. Yet, on the other hand, extreme idealization (believing a new partner is flawless) also predicts steeper declines once reality sets in.. If you catch yourself ignoring glaring incompatibilities because “love conquers all,” consider slowing down.

Interestingly, a couple that argues respectfully early on may be safer than one who insists they’ve “never disagreed.”

Disagreement handled well shows realism and repair skills.

In one of my early relationships, I remember thinking, “This is perfect—we never fight.” But looking back, we weren’t avoiding conflict because we were aligned. We were avoiding it because we were scared. The first argument came like a wrecking ball because we didn’t know how to navigate tension.

Imbalance of sacrifice and support

Emily Impett and colleagues found that one-sided sacrifice—when only one partner routinely gives up personal goals—erodes well-being and predicts dissatisfaction. Early clues include lopsided scheduling (“we always do his thing”), financial strain borne by one person, or emotional labour (planning, remembering, soothing) falling on a single partner.

For a while, I prided myself on being the “low-maintenance” one in relationships. But it took me years to realise that always being the flexible one wasn’t noble—it was avoidance. I wasn’t standing up for what I needed. And the resentment that built up? That was mine to own.

Minimal self-disclosure on vulnerable topics

Research by Laurenceau shows that gradual, reciprocal sharing of fears and dreams builds intimacy, whereas lopsided or trivial disclosure keeps relationships shallow.

If months pass and you still don’t know how your partner handles sadness or shame, the distance may indicate a ceiling on future closeness.

A turning point in one relationship came when I finally opened up about my fear of failure—not in business, but in love. Her reaction showed me more about our connection than a hundred smooth conversations ever could. Vulnerability really is a litmus test for intimacy.

Clinging to permanence in a changing phase

Here’s where impermanence enters. Early chemistry is impermanent; routines, stressors and personal growth will reshape the bond.

Couples who cling to “how it used to be” often struggle when shifts occur. Scholars at the University of Denver found that partners flexible in attitude—but committed in choice—weather transitions (job changes, relocations, parenthood) far better than those who idealise the early stage.

Trust me, noticing fading infatuation isn’t a sign something’s wrong — it can mark the doorway to deeper, steadier love if you accept change rather than chase former highs.

A personal moment of impermanence

Years ago, I dated someone who fit my “perfect list.” We finished each other’s sentences and never fought—until we did. When she took a demanding overseas job offer, the time difference strained our polite harmony.

I realised our “perfect” track record relied on sameness and ease. Under pressure, neither of us had the skills—or maybe the will—to adapt.

The relationship ended not because love vanished, but because we clung to who we’d been instead of meeting who we were becoming.

How mindful awareness reframes these patterns

Impermanence teaches that relationships are verbs, not nouns—ongoing processes. Mindful awareness asks: can you watch a pattern emerge without denial or panic?

When you notice contempt creeping in or sacrifice tilting out of balance, pause.

Feel the discomfort in your body—tight chest, clenched jaw—without fleeing it. Then speak from that awareness: “I felt a sting when you joked about my idea; can we talk about it?” Addressing early signs with calm presence often changes the trajectory.

Mindfulness also helps you release partners who resist growth.

Observing attachment soften, you can let go with less rancour, trusting change as natural rather than catastrophic.

One of the hardest things I’ve done was walk away from someone I still loved—because I knew we weren’t growing in the same direction. It didn’t feel like failure. It felt like clarity. That’s the gift of mindful awareness: the courage to love without clinging.

Final reflections on seeing, not fearing, early warnings

Every relationship contains echoes of its possible endings; seeing those echoes isn’t pessimism—it’s informed compassion. Notice if early contempt, withdrawal, lopsided giving, or rigid idealisation arises.

Ask whether both partners are willing to learn new dances rather than replay old steps.

Remember the counter-intuitive gift: some friction invites growth, while too-smooth surfaces may hide cracks.

Embracing impermanence means recognising that the relationship you’re in today will not be the one you’re in a year from now.

If both of you can meet each shift with curiosity and care, early warning signs become opportunities. If not, they become forecasts.

Either way, mindful awareness lets you respond wisely—choosing to heal patterns together or letting go before deeper hurt sets in. In a world where change is the only constant, that kind of clarity is its own form of lasting love.