From the “second arrow” to self-compassion: 7 lessons for mental clarity

I’ve often been asked, “Lachlan, what’s the secret to lasting mental well-being?” And while there’s no single, magical answer, I’ve noticed that people who genuinely prioritize their mental health share a distinctive mindset.

They’re not superhuman—they experience stress, doubt, and overwhelm like everyone else. But they’ve honed certain skills and habits that help them navigate life’s inevitable hurdles with steadiness and clarity.

In my journey as both a psychology graduate and someone who’s deeply immersed himself in Buddhist philosophy, I’ve witnessed (and practiced) an array of strategies for sustaining mental wellness.

One of the most fascinating discoveries I’ve made is that what you don’t do can be just as important as what you do.

In this article, we’ll explore seven common habits or behaviors that those who truly value their mental health tend to avoid. Along the way, we’ll look at relevant psychological research, practical insights, and a Buddhist story that highlights the power of mindful awareness.

My hope is that you’ll walk away with fresh perspectives—and a few helpful tools—for nurturing your own mental and emotional well-being.

1. They Don’t Dwell Excessively on the Past

We’ve all spent a sleepless night replaying a painful memory in our minds. However, those who prioritize their mental health seldom allow regrets or lingering hurts to define their present.

It’s not that they have perfect recall or selective amnesia; they simply acknowledge that the past, while informative, is not where we live.

Research in cognitive psychology shows that ruminating on past mistakes can exacerbate feelings of depression and anxiety.

Dr. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema’s work at Yale University, for example, highlights how rumination can create a negative feedback loop, pulling us deeper into self-criticism and despair.

Healthy-minded individuals break this loop by practicing what I call “gentle self-reflection.” They look back briefly to learn lessons, then shift focus back to the now. In essence, they’re cautious about how much mental space they devote to history that can’t be changed.

As I’ve found in my own life, this approach can free up an immense amount of emotional energy for growth and constructive action.

2. They Don’t Confuse Busyness with Purpose

In our hyper-productive culture, it’s easy to mistake a crowded calendar for a meaningful life. Yet, people who are protective of their mental well-being have learned a critical distinction: busy does not necessarily mean fulfilled.

A study found that chronic busyness often correlates with higher stress, reduced creativity, and even diminished overall life satisfaction.

The trick is in recognizing whether your schedule reflects genuine commitments that align with your values—or a mindless attempt to avoid boredom or difficult emotions.

In my early career, I fell into the trap of overcommitting, thinking it made me “more accomplished.” All it did was leave me exhausted and disconnected from my real priorities. The shift came when I paused to reflect: “What truly matters here?”

That question recalibrated my choices. Now, when I feel the urge to cram extra tasks into my day, I ask myself if it serves a deeper purpose or just my ego’s craving to stay ‘important.’

3. They Don’t Let Negative Self-Talk Run Wild

Even the most positive person has that inner critic piping up now and then. But mentally healthy individuals learn to spot this voice and contain its impact. They don’t let disparaging self-talk run rampant without challenge.

Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff’s pioneering research on self-compassion at the University of Texas suggests that being kind to oneself isn’t just a “feel-good” notion; it’s a resilience factor.

When we respond to our inner critic with curiosity and kindness—rather than feeding its fury—we buffer ourselves against a downward spiral of shame and self-doubt.

Here’s one tactic I find useful: Whenever I catch my inner monologue spiraling into negativity, I consciously reframe. For instance, if my thought is, “You’re so incapable,” I pause and ask, “What evidence do I really have for that?” Typically, I discover that the thought is distorted.

This mindful awareness halts the automatic stream of self-judgment and redirects me towards a more balanced perspective.

4. They Don’t Overlook Their Boundaries

A crucial yet often overlooked aspect of mental wellness is setting and maintaining healthy boundaries—whether it’s in relationships, at work, or with ourselves.

People who honor their mental health understand that saying “no” can sometimes be the most compassionate act, both for themselves and others.

In psychology, boundary setting is seen as foundational for self-care and self-esteem. Studies at the University of California, Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center emphasize that individuals with clear boundaries report lower stress levels and more meaningful connections.

They’re better at delineating what they can and can’t do without compromising their well-being.

My own boundary battles were initially rooted in a fear of disappointing others. Then I realized that constantly saying “yes” when I meant “no” eroded my sense of self-worth.

Learning to articulate my limits—with kindness—was a major step toward preserving my emotional equilibrium and respecting my own needs. If you value your mental health, you’ll protect it by standing firm when necessary.

5. They Don’t Numb Their Feelings Unconsciously

Whether it’s binge-watching TV for endless hours, scrolling social media into the wee hours, or reaching for comfort food whenever stress hits—our world is full of easy “escape routes.”

However, mentally resilient people tend not to numb themselves blindly. Instead, they address the root cause of discomfort.

Contemporary research in the field of addiction and compulsive behaviors reveals that emotional avoidance often leads to more severe psychological struggles. By pushing away discomfort in the short term, we set ourselves up for bigger internal battles down the road.

This doesn’t mean avoidance is never healthy—sometimes taking a break is essential. But the difference is conscious choice versus auto-pilot.

People who protect their mental health are willing to face their emotions, process them, and seek help when needed. They don’t fear the discomfort; they see it as a signal.

In my own life, recognizing when I’m slipping into emotional avoidance has become a powerful tool for growth. It’s never easy, but every time I lean into my feelings, I emerge with a stronger sense of who I am.

6. They Don’t Resist Help or Connection

One of the most detrimental myths in our society is that seeking help signals weakness. On the contrary, people who value their mental health understand the strength in vulnerability. They lean on trusted friends, family, or professionals when challenges become overwhelming.

The American Psychological Association has consistently highlighted the benefits of seeking social support and professional counseling. In fact, research indicates that strong interpersonal connections can buffer against the effects of stress and trauma.

A friend of mine, who also struggled with anxiety, once said, “I thought being ‘strong’ meant dealing with everything alone. I ended up feeling isolated and worse off.” It was only after opening up to a therapist and close friends that she found relief and new coping strategies.

Mentally healthy individuals view help-seeking not as a crutch but as a resource. They realize we’re meant to support one another, and that nobody triumphs in isolation.

7. They Don’t Live on Autopilot

Finally, people who truly prioritize their mental well-being strive for presence in their daily activities. They don’t glide through life checked out or numb to their own experiences. Instead, they cultivate awareness of their thoughts, feelings, and surroundings—engaging more fully with what life offers.

Neuroscience research on mindfulness practices (including work by Dr. Sara Lazar at Harvard Medical School) shows that consistent mindfulness training can lead to structural changes in the brain, particularly in areas associated with emotion regulation and self-awareness.

Far from being a vague “woo-woo” concept, mindfulness is increasingly recognized as a powerful tool for improving mental health.

I find that even a short, daily mindfulness session—where I quietly sit and tune into my breath—keeps me from falling into the trap of autopilot. It’s like hitting “reset” on my mental processes, allowing me to see patterns and choices that weren’t visible before.

Mindfulness Perspective

Mindful awareness—the practice of being present with our moment-to-moment experience—is the cornerstone that ties all these mental health habits together. The Buddhist teaching that best illustrates this, for me, is the famous parable of the “Second Arrow.”

In this story, the Buddha explains that when we experience pain (the first arrow), it’s a natural part of life. But often, we shoot ourselves with a second arrow—our mental anguish over that pain. We ruminate, exaggerate, or punish ourselves unnecessarily, doubling our suffering.

This teaching parallels modern psychology’s understanding of how our reactions can intensify our distress.

By cultivating mindful awareness, we learn to pause before firing that second arrow. We become more adept at observing our thoughts and feelings without immediate judgment, thereby reducing the extra layer of suffering.

When you notice your mind wandering into catastrophic thinking or self-blame, you can gently bring it back to the present moment. This is where healing and clarity reside.

Over time, practicing mindfulness transforms how we relate to life’s inevitable ups and downs—allowing us to respond more calmly and compassionately.

Conclusion

Mental health isn’t a fixed destination; it’s an ongoing practice of self-awareness, discipline, and kindness to oneself and others.

By avoiding the pitfalls of dwelling on the past, blurring busyness with purpose, letting negative self-talk run wild, overlooking boundaries, numbing emotions, resisting help, and living on autopilot, you can preserve and enhance your emotional well-being.

Remember the “Second Arrow” parable: real suffering often comes from how we respond to life’s challenges. With mindful awareness, you can choose a response rooted in clarity rather than panic.

I encourage you to start small—perhaps by pausing for a few mindful breaths whenever stress arises. Trust that these simple shifts, practiced consistently, can spark profound positive change in your life.