Here’s how to get over someone: No bullsh*t advice

You already know you need to move on with your life.

That much is clear.

But how are you meant to “move on” when your life feels completely destroyed?

And how are you supposed to “put the past behind you” like it was no big deal?

Well, that’s exactly what I’m going to share with you in today’s post.

Because over the last few months I’ve successfully moved on from a relationship I thought was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I’m going to describe exactly what worked for me.

Here we go…

Here’s what you need to understand first

This isn’t going to be an easy process.

According to research published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, it takes 11 weeks to feel better after a relationship ends.

Most advice you usually read about “getting over someone” say things like “go out with your friends” or “meet new people”.

While this can be good advice, it isn’t the first thing you should do. 

Instead of forcing yourself to “get out there” when your heart’s not in it, you need to look at things a little bit differently.  

Here are 2 things you need to consider:

1) It’s perfectly okay to be hurting

Relationships are the foundation of everyone’s life. We’re all social creatures and we rely on each other to get by.

Furthermore, we develop meaning through our relationships.

In fact, in the second part of Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl listed 3 different ways we can find meaning in life, and number 2 was “by experiencing something or encountering someone.”

Yet, when a relationship has ended, particularly one that was so important to your life, you lose a significant amount of meaning. You lose a part of yourself.

That’s why you might feel “empty” or “lost”. You even might feel that there isn’t any purpose to life anymore.

While it’s hurtful to accept that part of you is gone, once you’re able to accept it, you’ve opened up opportunities to find new meaning in life that will help you rebuild a better you. 

2) What was the relationship really like?

If you’re feeling really depressed, you’re probably telling yourself things like, “he/she was perfect”, or “I’ll never find someone as good.”

The truth is, nobody’s perfect. And if the relationship ended, then the relationship wasn’t perfect either.  

It’s time to look at the relationship objectively, rather than being biased about how “great” it was.

Ask yourself these 4 questions:

1) Were you really happy 100% of the time?

2) Did the relationship hinder your life in anyway?

3) Were you happy before the relationship?

4) What annoyed you most about your partner?  

Answer these questions truthfully and you’ll begin to realize that the relationship ending isn’t as bad as you thought it was. 

In fact, you might even start to see that your life has opened up in many ways that weren’t previously possible.

Marilyn Monroe said it best:

“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” – Marilyn Monroe

Now you need to find new sources of meaning

I’m sure people have told you to “go out with your friends” and “have fun”. Solid advice, but it’s not going to help you restore new meaning in your life.

Right now you’ll just go out with your usual friends, have a good time, and then go home and sleep by yourself and be reminded that you don’t have your ex-lover by your side.

Here are some ideas to find new meaning in life that have nothing to do with your past relationship.  

1) Find your joy

Now it’s time to consider what really makes you happy in life.

What makes you feel free? When are you at your best? When you’re traveling? With family? Working? Helping others?

Write down everything. These are the areas you can find new meaning.

For example, if you’re passionate about traveling, start to organize solo trips (or with friends) to places that you’ve always wanted to see.

If you haven’t got the budget for it, plan your money so that eventually you do have the finances to travel there.

And viola, already you have a purpose you’re working towards.

If you enjoy helping others, consider new ways you can do that.

If you’re skilled at Maths, perhaps you could offer to teach kids Maths.

Be creative with how you can help others.

Whatever it is, find new activities that give yourself purpose. Purpose is an important cog in feeling happy.

2) Appreciate yourself

When you’re in a long-term relationship, you don’t spend much time alone.

So much so that you can forget who you truly are.

Now is the perfect time to get to know yourself again. Be positive and optimistic about what an incredible opportunity this is. 

You might think that this is lame but what really helped me was sitting down and writing down a list of my greatest strengths.

Self-doubt was creeping into my consciousness, with thoughts like, “what am I without my ex-partner?”.

Understanding where my strengths and values reside made me believe in myself and realize that many girls would be lucky to date me.

Also, another “list” that helped me was writing down things I’m appreciative for. This was important for me in understanding that there’s a lot in my life that I’m lucky to have. 

Once you finish these 2 lists, you’ll understand rationally that you have a lot to give and a lot to be grateful for.

Whenever you’re feeling down, read them again.

3) Get out of your comfort zone

Let’s be honest, there’s not a lot of room for adventure and excitement in your comfort zone.

Understandably your zest for life might be experiencing a downturn after he/she left you.

But if you want to get that zest for life back, you need to do some new and scary things. Stretch your limits!

It doesn’t have to be extreme. Even doing something that makes you a little nervous can be awesome for you.

So consider what makes you a little nervous and go about doing it.

For example, I’ve always been terrified of going up to groups of girls and starting a conversation.

So you know what I did? I went out with my friends and did exactly that. 

By asking lame questions like, “Where are the best bars around here?” to a group of strangers, I was able to get my zest back by challenging myself and striking up a conversation with a bunch of randoms.

It was a great way of meeting new people a well.

And hey, when I approached groups of girls, I’m sure I did it horribly and awkwardly, but I did it and I felt nothing but excitement afterwards.  

In Conclusion

Getting over someone is never easy, but it’s important to realize that you’ll eventually get over them and you’ll be stronger for it.

By changing up your perspective and understanding that being single isn’t really as bad as you thought, you’ll be able to participate in activities that expand your comfort zone and make you realize that they’re a lot of possibilities and excitement ahead in your life, even without your partner.

 

Lachlan Brown