What to say no to if you want more peace and happiness

I used to be a yes-person. Always trying to please, always available, always overcommitted. It felt like the right thing to do—to be kind, generous, and open. But slowly, I realized that all those yeses were costing me something I couldn’t afford: my peace.

There’s something incredibly powerful about learning to say no. Not out of selfishness or bitterness, but out of clarity. Out of self-respect. Out of a desire to live more intentionally.

I learned this the hard way. After building an online business, juggling writing deadlines, team calls, family obligations, and my own perfectionist wiring—it finally broke me down. I wasn’t burnt out from hard work. I was burnt out from leaking energy into things I didn’t actually want to do.

So if you’re feeling overwhelmed, drained, or like your life is running you instead of the other way around, this might be the list you didn’t know you needed.

Here are the things I started saying no to—and how that simple shift made everything feel lighter.

Going along with things just to avoid conflict

For years, I convinced myself that keeping the peace was more important than speaking up. But all that unspoken truth doesn’t just disappear. It builds resentment.

There’s a quiet kind of courage in saying no when something doesn’t feel right—even if everyone else is on board. And more often than not, the discomfort of that moment is way better than the discomfort of living inauthentically.

This doesn’t mean you have to argue every point. It just means you get to honor your values. And trust me, your future self will thank you for it.

I used to nod along in meetings, even when I disagreed with strategy. I didn’t want to rock the boat. But over time, I realized that silence wasn’t keeping things smooth—it was costing me clarity and respect. Speaking up wasn’t easy, but it changed how people saw me—and how I saw myself.

Social obligations that drain you

I used to accept every invite like it was my duty. Weddings. Work parties. Random get-togethers with people I barely knew.

But eventually I realized that being busy isn’t the same as being fulfilled. And just because someone asks for your time doesn’t mean they’re entitled to it.

When I started protecting my energy and choosing where I wanted to show up, I felt more present, more connected, and way less resentful. Not every RSVP needs to be a yes.

These days, I show up for fewer things—but I show up better. It’s made my relationships deeper, not weaker. Saying no to noise helped me tune into the moments that actually matter.

Trying to be everything to everyone

This one hit hard.

There’s this unspoken pressure to be the supportive friend, the reliable colleague, the perfect partner. But no one can carry that kind of emotional weight for everyone.

As noted by psychologist Dr. Gabor Maté, people who chronically prioritize others over themselves often do so out of a deep-seated fear of rejection. That was me.

Saying no to being everything for everyone doesn’t mean you’re letting people down. It means you’re drawing boundaries. And boundaries aren’t walls—they’re clarity.

There was a point where my inbox was a to-do list for other people. I realized that every yes I gave away without thought was a no to my own creativity, peace, and presence.

Chasing validation

I’ve talked about this before, but it’s worth repeating: the pursuit of external validation is one of the fastest ways to lose yourself.

Whether it’s likes on a post or praise from someone you admire, if you need the outside world to constantly affirm your worth, you’re setting yourself up for anxiety.

Saying no to validation-seeking doesn’t mean you stop caring. It just means you start rooting your self-worth internally.

I still appreciate recognition. But now, it’s a bonus—not the goal.

In the early days of building Hack Spirit, I checked analytics like they were a heartbeat monitor. Every spike, every dip, I took personally. It wasn’t sustainable. Now, I focus on writing things I believe in. The numbers come and go—but the alignment stays.

Opportunities that don’t align with your goals

This one surprised me.

Sometimes the hardest no isn’t to bad things, but to good ones that just aren’t aligned.

I used to say yes to every project, every collaboration, every shiny new idea. But then I realized I was scattering my energy and getting nowhere fast.

Now I ask myself: does this opportunity align with my bigger purpose? Does it move the needle in a direction I actually want to go?

If not, I let it pass. Because every yes is a no to something else.

These days, I use one filter: Will this help me live more intentionally? If the answer’s murky, I usually decline. Focus isn’t just a productivity tactic—it’s a form of self-respect.

Guilt-based expectations

Ever felt bad saying no, even when you had every right to?

That guilt—whether from family, work, or social circles—can be surprisingly manipulative. But guilt is not a good compass for decision-making.

When we act out of guilt, we abandon ourselves to maintain someone else’s comfort. That’s not compassion. That’s self-erasure.

This is backed by experts like Brené Brown, who has said that guilt often disguises our fear of disconnection.

The antidote? Learning to hold your ground with kindness. It’s possible to be firm and loving at the same time.

When I stopped letting guilt steer my calendar, I noticed something interesting: the people who truly cared didn’t punish me for setting limits. The only ones who did were the ones who benefited from my lack of them.

Saying yes to your own self-sabotage

This one stings.

I used to say yes to things that hurt me: procrastination, overthinking, perfectionism. Not intentionally, of course. But every time I chose comfort over growth, I was reinforcing habits that kept me stuck.

And here’s the truth: we don’t just sabotage ourselves with big mistakes. It happens in the small daily choices we pretend don’t matter.

Saying no to self-sabotage means getting brutally honest about what you really want, and being willing to choose the hard thing now for a better life later.

Sometimes that means showing up to write when I’d rather scroll. Or speaking gently to myself after a failed pitch instead of spiraling. These are the small wins that shape a larger life.

Toxic positivity

This might sound strange coming from someone who writes about personal development for a living, but not everything needs a positive spin.

Saying no to toxic positivity means making space for the full spectrum of your human experience. It means not gaslighting yourself into pretending everything’s okay when it isn’t.

As I shared in my book Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, true mindfulness isn’t about being happy all the time. It’s about being honest.

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is sit with discomfort instead of covering it up with a fake smile.

I’ve learned to replace “good vibes only” with “real vibes only.” Peace isn’t about constant positivity—it’s about emotional honesty.

Overcommitting your future self

This is a subtle one, but it’s been a game changer.

I used to agree to things weeks or months in advance without really thinking about how I’d feel when the time came. Future-me always seemed more energetic, more generous, more free.

But then the day would come and I’d dread it. I’d feel trapped.

Now I ask myself: would I say yes to this if it were tomorrow?

If the answer is no, then it’s a no.

This simple question has saved me from resentment so many times. Future-Lachlan deserves the same peace and spaciousness I try to give present-me.

Final words

Saying no is hard. Especially when you’re used to putting everyone else first, or when you’ve built your identity around being dependable and agreeable.

But here’s the truth I keep coming back to: every no to something misaligned is a yes to something that matters. Your time. Your energy. Your peace.

Happiness isn’t found in people-pleasing or overcommitting. It’s found in alignment. In clarity. In quiet confidence.

You don’t have to explain every no. You don’t need permission. And you’re not selfish for choosing your well-being.

You’re just finally listening to yourself.

And honestly? That might be the most important yes of all.