How to show genuine kindness (to yourself and others)

If you’re reading this, chances are you already believe in the power of kindness. Maybe you’ve experienced firsthand how a single warm word or generous act can brighten someone’s entire day. But what happens when your usual ways of showing kindness feel… expected? Or worse, unnoticed?

I’ve been there. In my early years studying Buddhism and psychology, I thought kindness was simple—help someone carry their groceries, smile at a stranger, offer a compliment. And it is. But over time, I discovered that true compassion—toward others and yourself—often shows up in much subtler, sometimes surprising ways.

In this article, I want to share twelve ways to show kindness that might seem counterintuitive at first. These aren’t your typical “random acts” list. They’re deeper, more reflective, and rooted in both mindfulness practice and psychological insight.

My hope is that you’ll leave with some practical ideas and fresh perspectives.

1. Say “no” when you mean it

Kindness isn’t always about saying yes. In fact, sometimes the kindest thing you can do—for yourself or for someone else—is to set a boundary.

I’ve found that when I agree to things out of guilt or fear, resentment builds quietly in the background. It leaks out in subtle ways—impatience, passive aggression, burnout.

On the other hand, saying no clearly and respectfully can actually build trust. It lets people know where they stand, and it models healthy self-respect.

Reflect on this: Where in your life are you saying yes out of obligation instead of care?

2. Let someone struggle (lovingly)

This one took me a long time to understand. Watching someone you care about suffer can feel unbearable. You want to swoop in and fix things.

But there’s a difference between helping and rescuing. When we try to “save” people from their struggles, we may be robbing them of the growth that comes from facing adversity. As psychiatrist Viktor E. Frankl observed, individuals who found meaning in their suffering were better equipped to endure it. He stated, “In some ways, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.”

Sometimes, the kindest act is to sit beside someone in their pain, and trust that they’re capable of finding their own way through it.

3. Give without needing to be seen

We live in an age of visible generosity—posts about volunteering, photos of gifts, messages praising good deeds.

But the most profound kindness often happens in secret. A friend of mine once told me she leaves a $5 note under the windshield of a random car every week. No note, no recognition. Just a simple act to remind someone they’re not alone.

What would it look like to give, expecting nothing in return—not even a thank you?

4. Admit when you’re wrong

Apologizing is one of the most powerful and vulnerable ways to show kindness. But it’s hard—especially when our ego feels threatened.

Kindness lives in humility. When we admit fault with sincerity, we give others permission to do the same.

5. Leave people alone (sometimes)

Kindness isn’t always about doing something. Sometimes, it’s about not doing.

There’s compassion in giving someone space to feel, process, and breathe without interference. Especially in emotionally charged moments, stepping back—without withdrawing love—can be an act of deep respect.

Ask yourself: Am I trying to connect… or to control?

6. Be honest—even when it’s uncomfortable

Honesty is a cornerstone of authentic relationships, but it must be delivered with care. Leadership expert Bruce Kasanoff emphasizes, “Honesty without compassion is cruelty.”

This balance is crucial in Buddhist ethics, where ‘right speech’ involves speaking truthfully and kindly. When addressing sensitive issues, ensure your words are guided by empathy, aiming to support rather than harm.

7. Let yourself rest—without earning it

Our culture praises hustle. We’re taught to rest only after achieving something. But compassion toward yourself means honoring your need for rest—even when you haven’t ticked every box.

When I first started practicing mindfulness, I was shocked at how hard it was to simply sit and breathe without feeling guilty. But the more I practiced, the more I realized: exhaustion is not a badge of honor.

You are worthy of kindness, even when you don’t feel “productive.”

8. Believe in someone’s potential (quietly)

Not every act of kindness needs to be loud. Sometimes, the most powerful support is simply believing in someone—without pushing, advising, or fixing.

Think of the teacher who quietly plants confidence in a struggling student. The friend who never doubts your ability to rise again. That silent trust can be more transformative than any pep talk.

Who in your life might need quiet faith right now?

9. Forgive without forgetting

Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending something didn’t happen. It means releasing the tight grip of bitterness so you can move forward—with clarity and strength.

I’ve found that forgiving someone doesn’t mean re-entering the same dynamics. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do—for both of you—is to forgive… and also to keep your distance.

Compassion includes discernment.

10. Ask someone what they really need

We often assume what others need: advice, distraction, cheering up. But real kindness begins with curiosity.

Try this next time someone’s struggling: “What would feel most supportive to you right now?” You might be surprised by their answer. Sometimes they want advice. Sometimes they just want to be heard.

Compassion listens before it speaks.

11. Be kind to people who can’t return it

True kindness isn’t a transaction. It doesn’t keep score.

When you’re kind to someone who’s rude, distant, or distracted, you’re not condoning their behavior. You’re choosing to meet them with your values, not theirs.

In Buddhist psychology, this kind of compassion is considered a paramita—a perfection. It’s a form of spiritual training. And it might just change you more than it changes them.

12. Offer kindness to your past self

Here’s one that surprised me the most: We often forget to show compassion to our own former selves.

That younger you—who made mistakes, who didn’t know better, who carried shame—is still within you, longing for gentleness. As Psychologist Tara Brach notes, “Perhaps the biggest tragedy of our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns.”

Try this: Close your eyes. Picture your younger self at a hard moment. Say, “You were doing your best. I’ve got you now.”

Kindness begins within.

The heart of compassion

In Buddhism, compassion (karuṇā) is more than empathy. It’s the sincere wish to alleviate suffering—not just in others, but in ourselves.

One of my favorite teachings comes from the Dalai Lama, who said: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

But here’s what often gets missed: Compassion doesn’t mean self-sacrifice. It doesn’t mean constantly giving, fixing, or pleasing.

Instead, it asks us to be present with suffering—without rushing to escape it or make it prettier than it is.

In my experience, the practice of metta (loving-kindness meditation) has helped soften the inner critic and deepen my patience with others. By silently repeating phrases like “May I be happy,” “May you be free from suffering,” we gradually rewire the mind toward gentleness.

Kindness isn’t just an action. It’s a state of being.

Final words 

Kindness is rarely flashy. It often looks like a quiet choice in a messy moment. Like saying no when you’re tired. Like listening without fixing. Like forgiving yourself for the way you once coped.

I hope these counterintuitive practices help expand your understanding of what it means to be kind—to yourself, and to those around you.

In the end, kindness isn’t about being liked. It’s about being true. And I’ve found that when you lead with compassion, the rest tends to follow.

So ask yourself: What does kindness look like for me today?

And then, gently—go do that.