Empathy isn’t about being nice—it’s about being present

Empathy isn’t about being nice. It’s about being here. Present, available, open.

But the truth is, many people who seem cold, uncaring, or emotionally distant might not actually lack empathy at their core. Instead, they may be disconnected—from themselves, from others, and from the moment in front of them.

I’ve seen this firsthand. I used to think I was empathetic because I was a “good guy.” But when I really started paying attention—during conversations, during moments of tension—I realized how often I was in my head rather than with the person in front of me. I was listening just enough to respond, not enough to feel.

This article isn’t about judging people who struggle with empathy. It’s about helping us all recognize the subtle signs that we—or someone in our life—might be falling short in this area, and how mindful awareness can help us course-correct.

1. They interrupt or talk over others

They may think they’re just excited or passionate—but it often stems from being more focused on what they want to say than truly hearing the other person.

Ask yourself: When was the last time you let someone finish a thought without mentally preparing your reply?

2. They give advice instead of listening

When someone’s in pain, the impulse to “fix” things can take over. But often, people don’t want solutions—they want presence.

Empathy isn’t about problem-solving. It’s about sitting with someone in their discomfort without trying to escape it.

3. They dismiss or downplay emotions

Phrases like “don’t worry about it,” or “you’re being too sensitive” often come from discomfort with emotion. The irony? Trying to help by minimizing pain only makes others feel more alone.

4. They shift the focus back to themselves

Ever share something vulnerable, only to hear, “Oh, that happened to me too—let me tell you!” It’s unintentional, but it signals: Your experience isn’t the center here. Mine is.

This doesn’t mean we can’t relate or share our stories. But timing and tone matter. True empathy lets the other person go first—and stay there for a while.

5. They struggle to recognize subtle emotional cues

People who lack empathy often miss the quiet signs: a pause before speaking, a drop in tone, a lingering silence. These aren’t just awkward moments—they’re emotional signals.

In my experience, developing mindfulness helped me notice these moments more. When I was less caught up in myself, I began to feel others more clearly.

6. They get easily irritated by emotional displays

Crying makes them uncomfortable. Anger feels like a personal attack. Vulnerability is “too much.”

Why? Because it challenges their emotional control. But empathy requires us to let go of control—to soften, to allow.

7. They rarely apologize

This one’s subtle. People who lack empathy often don’t see how their actions impact others. They may believe they’re “right” and miss the pain they’ve caused.

Empathy is the ability to say: Even if I didn’t mean to hurt you, I can see that I did. And I care.

8. They avoid difficult conversations

Facing another person’s emotions can feel threatening to someone disconnected from their own. So they shut down, change the subject, or ghost entirely.

But difficult conversations are where empathy lives. In the willingness to stay present through discomfort.

9. They over-rely on logic or analysis

When someone responds to emotion with cold logic—“Well, statistically speaking…”—it often signals emotional disconnection. Empathy isn’t about understanding someone’s experience from a distance. It’s about feeling it with them.

The antidote to emotional disconnection is presence

In Buddhism, we often speak of mindful awareness as the foundation for compassion. Not just noticing what’s around us, but truly being with it.

Thich Nhat Hanh once said, “When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?”

This hit me hard when I first heard it. Because I realized—I was physically in the room, but mentally elsewhere. I wasn’t really showing up.

People who lack empathy often aren’t cruel. They’re distracted. Numb. Operating on autopilot.

Mindfulness brings us back. To this breath. This body. This conversation.

It helps us notice that slight break in a friend’s voice. The sigh before the smile. The courage it takes for someone to open up.

When we practice mindful awareness, we naturally become more empathetic. Not because we’ve read about it in a book, but because we’re here—and presence breeds connection.

A counter-intuitive insight: Lacking empathy doesn’t mean lacking feeling

This might sound strange, but many people who seem unempathic actually feel things very deeply. So deeply, in fact, that they shut it down to avoid overwhelm.

I’ve worked with people—men especially—who were labeled as cold or emotionally unavailable. But under the surface, there was often deep sensitivity… that had never been given safe space.

If this is you, know this: Numbing your empathy doesn’t protect you—it isolates you. And others feel that.

Practicing empathy starts with yourself. Being present with your own pain, shame, confusion. Letting it breathe. Then, slowly, you build the capacity to hold space for others.

Conclusion

Empathy isn’t about being perfect. It’s about presence.

It’s not a trait some people have and others don’t—it’s a skill, a practice, and a way of being that we can all strengthen.

In my experience, mindfulness opened that door. It helped me see where I was emotionally absent, even with the best intentions. And it gave me the tools to return—again and again—to the people I care about.

If you’ve recognized some of these patterns in yourself, don’t beat yourself up. Just start with this question: Am I really here right now?

From that awareness, everything else begins.