Using mindfulness to navigate the pain of someone not choosing you (yet)

Have you ever found someone you genuinely click with — yet discovered they’re still actively using a dating app?

It’s a confusing situation, and you’re not alone if you’re wondering what it means. Maybe you’re asking yourself: Are they really into me or just keeping their options open? You might feel hurt, misled, or even a bit anxious about where things stand.

I remember going through a similar experience several years ago, right after I finished my psychology degree. I met someone who swept me off my feet with long, heartfelt conversations and genuine interest in my life. Then I discovered she hadn’t deleted her dating profile. At first, it felt like a betrayal, but looking back, it was more complicated than just “she wasn’t serious.”

In this article, we’ll explore the practical reasons someone who likes you might still be on a dating app—and, more importantly, what you can do about it.

We’ll draw on both psychological insights and the Buddhist principle of non-attachment, examining how letting go of rigid expectations can lead to healthier connections.

The different reasons someone might stay on a dating app

1) Sometimes it’s a habit

Dating apps can become like social media—a habit that’s hard to break. People might log in automatically without thinking, especially if they’ve used apps for months or years.

In my experience, when I confronted the person I was seeing, she admitted that swiping had become second nature; she wasn’t actively searching for someone else, but the allure of a quick dopamine hit from matches was tempting.

2) They want reassurance

Some people keep their profiles active to test their attractiveness or gauge what other options might exist. This doesn’t necessarily mean they’re disloyal; rather, it can signal insecurity. They might be unsure if things will work out with you and want a “backup plan.”

While it’s not the healthiest mindset, understanding this perspective can help you approach the situation with more empathy.

3) Fear of commitment

Staying on the app might also reflect a reluctance to fully commit. This doesn’t mean they don’t have strong feelings for you—it could mean they’re apprehensive about making things exclusive.

Past heartbreak or lingering doubt can lead a person to keep one foot out the door, even if they genuinely enjoy spending time with you.

Spotting the difference between “casual” use and red flags

1) Casual use

Sometimes, staying on a dating app isn’t a big red flag. For instance, they might not have updated their profile in months or rarely check it.

If you notice that they’re not actively messaging new people, it’s possible they’ve just forgotten to delete the app or see no urgency to do so.

A quick conversation can clear the air.

2) Red flags

On the other hand, if they’re frequently online, chatting with multiple new matches, or constantly looking for the “next best thing,” it could indicate deeper issues — like inability to commit or a pattern of keeping options open indefinitely.

Pay attention to behavior that suggests they’re investing real time and energy into the app.

Practical tip: Before jumping to conclusions, consider gently discussing what you’ve noticed. A calm, direct conversation often reveals whether it’s casual lingering or an actual sign they’re not ready for exclusivity.

Communicating your feelings openly

1) Pick the right time and place

It’s essential to bring up the topic in a setting where you both feel relaxed—not in the middle of a public event or via a quick text. Make time for a real conversation, ideally face-to-face.

2) Use “I” statements

Instead of accusing them with, “You’re being shady for staying on that app,” try framing it as, “I feel uncertain about what it means that you’re still using the dating app.

Can we talk about it?” This approach lowers defensiveness and increases the chance of a genuine dialogue.

3) Listen actively

Once you’ve expressed your concern, step back and give them space to share. Maybe they don’t realize how much it bothers you, or perhaps they haven’t fully processed their own feelings yet.

Listening doesn’t mean agreeing with everything they say; it just means holding space for their perspective before you decide on the next steps.

Embracing non-attachment—a Buddhist perspective

One of the core teachings in Buddhism is non-attachment — releasing rigid expectations and recognizing that trying to control every outcome can lead to suffering.

This doesn’t mean giving up on caring about the relationship. Rather, it’s about letting go of your desire for a perfectly scripted scenario.

Why it matters here

Dating often carries a lot of unspoken “shoulds.” We might feel that someone “should” delete their dating app the moment feelings are confessed. But real-life connections rarely follow a tidy timeline.

By practicing non-attachment, you can acknowledge your genuine wish for clarity and commitment, but also remain open to the reality that every individual moves at their own pace.

Shifting focus to your well-being

Non-attachment also encourages you to shift your focus from “How do I make this person do what I want?” to “What do I need for my own emotional health?”

By releasing the urge to control their behavior, you can ask questions like: “Am I okay with this situation as it is?” or “Do I need a clearer commitment to feel secure?”

This self-reflection often yields more honest answers than trying to force someone else to change.

Setting boundaries without ultimatums

There’s a fine line between expressing your needs and issuing ultimatums. The former fosters understanding; the latter can feel coercive and breed resentment.

1) Clarify your boundaries

Ask yourself: “What do I really need to feel comfortable continuing this relationship?” Maybe you need them to at least stop actively messaging new matches.

Perhaps you need to agree on a time frame for deleting the app if the relationship progresses.

Your boundary should be a reflection of your comfort level, not a punitive measure.

2) Discuss the boundaries collaboratively
Once you’re clear about your needs, invite them to share their viewpoint. If both of you can agree on mutual steps—like giving each other space, focusing on exclusivity for a trial period, or checking in again after a month—you create a sense of teamwork.

Boundaries formed collaboratively are more likely to stick, because each person feels heard rather than ordered.

Practical tip: If your partner resists any conversation about boundaries or insists they have to remain on the app for indefinite reasons, it might signal a deeper incompatibility. At that point, reevaluate if the situation aligns with your relationship goals.

Tools and techniques to move forward

1. Daily check-ins
   Commit to short, honest check-ins—whether by text or in person. Share how you’re feeling about the relationship. If you sense they’re distancing, address it calmly. This consistent communication can prevent misunderstandings from piling up.

2. Reflective journaling
   Spend five to ten minutes each day jotting down your thoughts on the situation. How do you feel about them still being on the app? Are you noticing shifts in your emotions, like more acceptance or more frustration? Journaling clarifies your inner state, making it easier to decide what action (if any) is needed.

3. Short mindful breaks
   Whenever worry creeps in—like imagining them swiping at midnight—pause for a brief mindfulness practice. Close your eyes, take three slow breaths, and allow your thoughts to settle. By centering yourself, you avoid spiral thinking that can escalate minor concerns into full-blown anxiety.

4. Agree on milestones
   If you’re both invested in the connection, it’s helpful to discuss potential milestones. This might be a conversation about labels (e.g., “Are we exclusive?”) or practical steps like meeting each other’s friends. Milestones act as markers of progress, reassuring both parties that the relationship is moving forward—even if one person hasn’t fully let go of the dating app yet.

5. Lean on a trusted confidant
   Sometimes, an outside perspective helps clarify what you can’t see. Talk to a friend, family member, or even a therapist. You don’t have to share all details, but getting feedback on the broader situation can help you decide how to proceed without the emotional overwhelm.

My lessons from an almost-relationship

A few years after my “she’s still on the app” revelation, I briefly dated someone who seemed perfect on paper. We had chemistry, shared interests, and plenty to laugh about.

Yet I sensed a lingering tension. She’d mention “swiping” whenever she had a free moment. Instead of internalizing panic, I decided to lean on the principle of non-attachment.

I asked myself: “Am I okay with the reality that she’s still exploring other options?” Initially, it stung my ego. But I realized I wasn’t ready for exclusivity either, as I was juggling work stress and personal growth goals.

After an honest conversation, we decided to keep seeing each other casually for a few weeks, with regular check-ins.

Eventually, she decided to focus on a different connection, and while I felt disappointment, I didn’t spiral into resentment.

Practicing non-attachment made the process lighter—it reminded me that relationships evolve at their own pace, and sometimes parting ways can be a step forward for both people.

That experience showed me that even if someone feels “right,” you can’t force timing. By not clinging, I kept my dignity and formed a respectful friendship that might not have happened if I’d pushed for immediate exclusivity.

When to consider walking away

Sometimes, no matter how much you communicate or set boundaries, the situation remains unbalanced. If the other person continually avoids accountability, openly courts other matches, or refuses to have a meaningful conversation about your feelings, it might be a sign that you deserve a healthier dynamic.

Walking away isn’t a failure; it can be a powerful form of self-respect. Rather than attaching yourself to someone who can’t meet you halfway, you free up emotional space to find someone who can.

Remember: non-attachment doesn’t mean not caring. It means caring enough about yourself — and them — to accept reality and let go when necessary.

Mindfulness perspective

One way to apply non-attachment in daily life is through a simple mindfulness exercise I’ve been using for years:

1. Pause and breathe: Find a quiet moment—perhaps before bed or while taking a short break. Close your eyes and inhale slowly, counting to four. Hold for a moment, then exhale to a count of four.

2. Notice thoughts: Allow your mind to present whatever worries or stories it’s holding—maybe it’s an image of your partner swiping or a fear that you’ll be left behind. Instead of pushing these thoughts away, just observe them.

3. Label and release: Give each thought a gentle label like “insecurity” or “anxiety,” then imagine placing it on a leaf that floats down a stream, slowly drifting out of view.

4. Return to the breath: Re-center on your breathing. Feel the air filling your lungs, then leaving your body. Recognize that, like each breath, thoughts and concerns come and go.

This practice reminds us that our anxieties are temporary visitors.

By not gripping them too tightly, we cultivate a calmer perspective — and from this place, we can make clearer decisions about our relationships.

Conclusion

It’s natural to feel unsettled if someone who claims to like you remains on a dating app. But this situation doesn’t automatically signal doom for the relationship.

With open communication, practical tools, and a willingness to examine your own needs, you can navigate these uncertain waters more confidently.

Remember that the principle of non-attachment doesn’t mean apathy—it means recognizing that we can’t force people or timelines to fit our expectations.

Sometimes, discussing concerns and setting boundaries strengthens the bond; other times, it reveals a mismatch that frees you both to move on. In any case, you hold the power to honor your feelings and decide what’s best for you.

Keep in mind that love and connection often flourish when we relinquish tight control. By blending mindfulness with honest dialogue, you can find a path that respects both your emotional well-being and the shared possibilities of any budding relationship.