Lachlan Brown
Have you ever noticed a friend — or perhaps even yourself — quietly accepting less than she deserves in relationships, work, or daily interactions?
There might be hints of self-doubt, a tendency to let others dictate decisions, or a lingering suspicion that she’s not really worth more respect than she’s getting.
It’s easy to assume this lack of self-respect is simply a choice—a matter of “trying harder” or “standing up for yourself.”
Yet in my experience, our capacity for self-respect is shaped by deeper currents. It’s influenced by childhood conditioning, cultural ideals, and the roles we repeatedly play until they feel set in stone.
Over time, a woman can lose sight of her inherent value, especially if she’s been taught that acceptance and approval come from compliance rather than confident self-expression.
This article explores how Buddhism’s teaching of non-self (Anatta) can illuminate a surprising path toward genuine self-respect. Rather than reinforcing a rigid identity, we’ll see how letting go of our narrow self-definitions can free us to insist on better treatment — both from ourselves and from others.
When we let the outside world define our sense of worth
Self-respect rarely disappears in an instant.
It usually fades when we give external forces — like romantic partners, friends, or even social media — the power to validate (or invalidate) our value.
Consider a young woman I once counseled, whom I’ll call Sarah. Growing up, she received heaps of attention whenever she dressed a certain way or adopted a pleasing demeanor. Praise for her looks or ability to make others comfortable was abundant, whereas her accomplishments and opinions drew little acknowledgment.
By the time Sarah was in her twenties, her identity felt anchored in whether others deemed her “pleasant,” “likable,” or “pretty.” Inevitably, this made her vulnerable to mistreatment.
In romantic relationships, a slight hint of disapproval triggered her fear of abandonment, so she’d tolerate disrespectful remarks or broken promises just to remain “good enough” in a partner’s eyes. Over months and years, such patterns erode a person’s self-respect at the core.
Have you ever felt your self-esteem waver in response to someone else’s opinion?
If so, you’re not alone.
Psychological research by Dr. Jean Twenge and Dr. W. Keith Campbell highlights how self-esteem rooted in external validation can fluctuate dramatically, amplifying anxiety and people-pleasing.
Meanwhile, from a Buddhist perspective, it’s our clinging to rigid self-images, such as “the always-agreeable girlfriend” or “the perfect daughter”, that makes us vulnerable to these external judgments.
We believe we must maintain that identity to stay worthy of approval.
In truth, the more we hold on to that singular image, the easier it becomes for others to shape our sense of self.
When we see the trap of a fixed identity
It’s crucial to look at how rigid identities limit our ability to demand respect.
Maybe you see yourself as “the caretaker,” the one who’s always there for others, even when they fail to reciprocate. Or maybe you’re “the peacekeeper,” who avoids conflict at all costs, allowing disrespect to go unchallenged because speaking up feels too risky.
Have you ever felt boxed into one role or label that overshadowed other parts of you?
Clinging to a single identity can offer a false sense of security — “I know who I am, and I never deviate” — but it also stifles growth.
If a woman believes her worth is tied to being self-sacrificing, she may endure toxic behavior just to remain “the kind one.”
If standing up for herself would jeopardize that image, she may silently endure scenarios that chip away at her self-respect.
Dr. Brené Brown’s research into shame and authenticity underscores how people often stay in unhealthy dynamics out of fear of losing belonging.
When belonging hinges on the identity we’ve adopted — be it “the supportive girlfriend” or “the selfless friend” — we hesitate to challenge disrespectful treatment, lest we lose that familiar role.
In Buddhist terms, this is where suffering arises: we cling to a persona that no longer serves our well-being, all while feeling trapped, resentful, and invisible.
When non-self becomes the gateway to self-respect
So how does non-self (Anatta) fit into this conversation?
The Buddhist principle of non-self teaches that our sense of “I” is not as fixed or autonomous as we often believe.
We’re shaped by countless influences — genetics, upbringing, cultural context — but we’re also capable of evolving beyond the definitions we once clung to.
Early in my own exploration of Buddhist teachings, I worried that letting go of a fixed self would make me aimless or uncertain.
But I discovered that recognizing the fluid nature of identity allows you to move beyond the roles that keep you stuck.
If you realize you aren’t only “the caretaker,” you can give yourself permission to ask for help. If you aren’t only “the peacekeeper,” you can risk conflict to demand healthier boundaries.
Have you ever felt trapped by a particular self-label?
Imagine what might change if you saw that label as provisional and subject to revision.
Psychologically, this perspective opens a door to transformation. People who practiced self-compassion — often linked to a more flexible self-view — were better able to recover from negative patterns.
It aligns well with Buddhism’s teaching that you’re not irrevocably locked into a single narrative.
The fluidity of non-self can, paradoxically, ground you in a deeper respect for your inherent worth.
How we find the space for change through reflective questions
Knowing that identities are fluid is one thing, but applying that understanding is another. Over the years, I’ve seen how certain inquiries can gently dismantle the walls we’ve built around our supposed selves.
If you’d like to explore this space of transformation, here are a few reflective questions to consider:
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“Which roles or labels have I internalized, and how might they be influencing my self-worth?”
Sometimes, naming these roles—such as “the helper,” “the achiever,” or “the invisible one”—reveals how they color our every decision. -
“Do I notice my self-esteem rising or falling based on someone else’s approval?”
This question helps you detect patterns in how outside validation shapes your mood and self-perception. -
“When was the last time I felt truly respected, and what contributed to that feeling?”
By recalling a moment of authentic respect, you can pinpoint the conditions that allowed it—and realize it’s possible to cultivate that environment again. -
“What if I allowed myself to step outside the identity I’m used to? How would I handle boundary violations or disrespect differently?”
Visualizing a scenario where you’re not confined by an old label can highlight more empowering actions you might take. -
“In what ways might acknowledging life’s impermanence and the fluidity of identity help me see that I’m not stuck with these patterns?”
This last inquiry invites a gentle reminder that nothing is permanent—not our current relationships, not our old labels, and not the mistakes we’ve made.
Rather than viewing these questions as quick fixes, consider them gateways to deeper introspection.
We also carve out room for a more expansive sense of self, one that naturally insists on mutual respect.
How letting go can restore self-respect
It might sound paradoxical that letting go of a rigid self-image fosters greater self-respect, but there’s a logic to it.
When we rigidly cling to one role — say, the ever-pleasant partner—we become susceptible to manipulation.
We fear that asserting ourselves would break the rules of that role, leading to rejection or conflict. This fear keeps us tolerating behaviors that degrade our self-worth.
But the moment we ease our grip on that identity, we stop needing to please at our own expense. We discover we’re not locked into being “the tolerant one” who endures emotional harm just to avoid rocking the boat.
Letting go grants us the freedom to respond based on what’s healthy in the moment, rather than what our old identity demands.
This applies both to external relationships and to our internal dialogue. If you believe you’re “just not someone who stands up for herself,” you might never try. But acknowledging non-self means you can evolve. Y
ou can act differently tomorrow than you did today, without contradicting who you are, because who you are is always unfolding.
In my own life, I’ve felt the relief that comes when you no longer force yourself to be consistent with a story that doesn’t serve you.
Non-self can be unsettling at first, but it ultimately reveals a more authentic self-respect that emerges from adaptability, not rigidity.
When you can adapt, you can protect yourself, set boundaries, and move forward into relationships where you’re valued — on your own terms.
Why returning to the source of true worth matters
Real self-respect isn’t about matching anyone’s expectations of who you should be. It’s about recognizing an innate dignity that isn’t contingent on performance, appearance, or unchanging roles.
Returning to that source requires courage, a willingness to question the stories you’ve long believed were true, and an openness to the fluid nature of your identity.
Have you ever glimpsed that place inside you where you felt undeniably worthy, even if just for a moment?
Many describe it as a sense of peaceful completeness. Often, it arises when you let go of external pressures and simply observe your own being with compassion.
That’s the space where real self-respect takes root—a respect that remains steady, even if someone else’s opinion wavers or old insecurities resurface.
In Buddhist thought, non-self guides us to see that we’re more than any passing thought, role, or external label.
Psychology reinforces that we can break free from damaging narratives and cultivate healthier relationships with ourselves and others.
Put simply, when we stop trying to protect a fixed version of ourselves, we can finally honor the deeper truth of our ever-evolving worth.
Final thoughts
None of this implies life becomes effortless or that boundary-setting no longer feels daunting. But understanding that we’re not locked into any single identity or story grants us the power to adapt and evolve.
That power becomes the bedrock of genuine self-respect:
An unwavering commitment to our well-being that isn’t dictated by external validation or old patterns.
So if you’ve ever felt that a woman who disrespects herself must simply “try harder,” I hope this deep dive reveals a more nuanced reality.
Ultimately, we don’t find self-respect by perfecting a self-image; we find it by letting our true, fluid nature come to light.
When we do that, we learn to value ourselves not as static beings, but as dynamic participants in the ongoing dance of life — worthy of respect, compassion, and growth at every turn.
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