Lachlan Brown
There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. I know because I’ve experienced both — sometimes simultaneously, sometimes separately. You can be surrounded by people and feel profoundly lonely. And you can be entirely alone and feel something closer to peace.
How alone time feels can depend on the connections we want, our circumstances, and how we relate to ourselves. Self-criticism can make solitude harder for some people, while a gentler inner voice may make it more comfortable. But loneliness is not a personal failing, and feeling better about yourself does not replace meaningful connection.
Buddhist contemplative traditions don’t just tolerate solitude — they seek it. Not as escape, but as practice. The capacity to be alone without being lonely is, in many traditions, considered a foundational skill for genuine well-being. It’s also one that modern life makes almost impossible to develop, because we’ve filled every gap with input.
Why aloneness can feel hard
Loneliness and being alone are different experiences. You can miss a wider social circle, a close bond, or a sense of belonging even when people are nearby. Quiet time alone may feel welcome or difficult depending on what you need and whether you have chosen it.
Reaching for a phone or background noise can have many explanations: habit, boredom, a wish for company, or discomfort with a particular thought. The behavior alone does not tell you which explanation fits.
Sometimes quiet makes a feeling or unanswered question easier to notice. At other times, you may simply need company, stimulation, or rest. You can be curious about what you need without assuming you have been avoiding a hidden problem.
How mindfulness may help you explore solitude
1. Start with short, deliberate periods of no input
If you want to try quiet time, begin with a brief period that feels manageable. You might set your phone aside while sitting or walking somewhere comfortable. There is no required duration, and you can choose an activity or company instead.
A study by Nguyen, Ryan, and Deci found that brief solitude could reduce both positive and negative high-arousal feelings, with relaxation and stress outcomes depending partly on whether people wanted to be alone. If quiet increases anxiety or distress, shorten or stop the exercise and turn your attention outward.
Notice whether returning to quiet time feels useful. You do not need to build tolerance by pushing through discomfort.
2. Develop a solitary activity you genuinely enjoy
Not a productive one. Not a self-improvement one. Something you do purely because it pleases you — cooking a slow meal, drawing, walking a familiar route, sitting in a café with a notebook, tending plants.
The point isn’t to fill the alone time with activity. It’s to discover that your own company, engaged in something you enjoy, is actually pleasant. Many people have never tested this proposition because they’ve never been alone without also being busy or distracted.
3. Practice being a compassionate witness to your own mind
If difficult thoughts or emotions surface, try noticing them gently rather than judging them straight away. If turning inward feels unhelpful, it is fine to change activity or reach out to someone instead. When it does feel manageable, Buddhist sati, or mindful awareness, offers a simple way in.
Just watch. “There’s sadness. There’s restlessness. There’s that old story about not being enough.” You’re not fixing anything. You’re being present with your own inner life — which is, at its core, an act of self-companionship. You’re keeping yourself company, not abandoning yourself to the noise.
4. Distinguish loneliness from the story about loneliness
Loneliness can reflect a gap between the connection you have and the connection you want. The feeling deserves attention, whether that means reaching out, seeking support, or reconsidering what kind of company you need.
But the story about loneliness, such as “Something is wrong with me” or “I’ll always be alone,” is an interpretation. It may add to the pain, and it is worth considering other explanations rather than treating it as a settled fact.
When loneliness arrives, feel it. Then check the story. Is it fact or narrative? Is “I’ll always be alone” a prediction or a feeling? The feeling deserves attention. The story deserves scrutiny.
5. Use solitude to reconnect, not to disconnect
The healthiest relationship with solitude isn’t escapist. It’s restorative. You go inward so you can come back outward more present, more grounded, more available for genuine connection.
Ask what your alone time offers you and what it leaves you wanting. Solitude and connection can both have a place in your life. Persistent loneliness or distress is a reason to seek support, rather than to practice harder at being alone.
A 2-minute practice
If it feels comfortable, try up to two minutes somewhere safe. Put your phone aside and keep your eyes open or soften your gaze. You can always stop sooner.
Do nothing. Don’t meditate formally. Don’t try to clear your mind. Just sit with yourself — with whatever thoughts, feelings, or sensations are present.
At the end of the pause, notice how you feel. Was the quiet uncomfortable, neutral, or calming?
Whatever you notice is useful information about how this moment felt. It is not a test of progress. Choose what you need next, whether that is more quiet, a different activity, or contact with someone.
Common traps
Romanticising solitude to avoid addressing loneliness. “I prefer being alone” can be genuine self-knowledge or a defence against the vulnerability of connection. If your solitude is consistently accompanied by sadness, it may not be the preference you’ve told yourself it is.
Using aloneness as an identity. “I’m a loner” or “I don’t need people” can become rigid identities that prevent you from reaching out when you actually do need connection. Humans need other humans. That’s not weakness — it’s biology.
Filling every pause with tasks. If you would like more unstructured time, try leaving a small gap in your schedule. You can also enjoy being alone while reading, cooking, or doing something else you value; stillness is not the only worthwhile form of solitude.
Expecting a particular result. There is no fixed timeline for becoming comfortable with solitude. Some people enjoy it, some prefer less of it, and needs can change. Discomfort is not something you must endure to get a benefit.
A simple takeaway
- Being alone and feeling lonely are different. Loneliness can involve unmet needs for connection; it is not simply a relationship with yourself.
- Quiet time can bring up many feelings. You do not need to infer a hidden cause from discomfort.
- Try brief, chosen periods alone or a solitary activity you enjoy. Adapt them to your needs and stop if they increase distress.
- Look for a balance of solitude and connection that suits you, and seek support for persistent loneliness.
- A short pause can help you notice what you want from alone time. It does not have to produce a lasting change to be worth trying.
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