Pearl Nash
First things first: when a woman says no, take it as a no. That one’s pretty clear.
Oftentimes, women don’t actually play hard to get – they just aren’t interested, and it’s important to be able to handle that rejection with grace and maturity.
Of course, some women do, in fact, love playing hard to get. They may enjoy mind games, the thrilling dance of back and forth, and hiding behind a veil of mystery.
And they usually have these 6 traits in common.
1) They have a poor communication style
Playing hard to get may have been the wise thing to do centuries ago when marriage was an economic proposition. Nowadays, most people prefer to know where they stand with you.
Unfortunately, some women still struggle to express their feelings – they may be worried that they might scare the man in question away, they might not want to reveal their cards too soon in order to prevent rejection, or they could find it very difficult to know what to say and when.
Whatever the real reason is, the consequence is clear: they can’t communicate effectively, therefore, they give you very vague or non-committal answers, they pretend to be so mysterious that you never know what they think, and their will-she-won’t-she keeps you on your toes.
If you ever find yourself in a situation like this, remember that communication skills are a vital aspect of emotional maturity and that a woman with a healthy sense of self-esteem will tell you what she wants.
She won’t be afraid to express an interest in you because she knows how to handle rejection. She loves herself enough to shoot her shot – and if it doesn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be.
2) They think of themselves as the ultimate prize
….as they should.
Most women are amazing, and the right people will cherish them for who they are. From their loving nature to their drive or passion, each and every woman has something valuable to offer.
But so do many men.
A relationship should never be about a man chasing a woman who then decides to reward him with the glorious gift of her presence. It should be about two equals who love and respect each other very much.
And the very basis of this dynamic is built during the talking stage.
Men want to know if their interest is reciprocated. They want to feel desired and wanted, too. They want to know where they stand so that they don’t waste their time putting effort into someone who just plays pretend.
Women who play hard to get tend to set up a dynamic where they always have the upper hand. Naturally, this doesn’t really contribute to a foundation of respect, equality, and reciprocity.
3) They view the talking stage as a game of push and pull
When you’re getting to know someone new, that’s what it should be all about: talking to them at intervals that are convenient to you, with no pressure or expectations.
Some women (and some men), however, consider this dating stage to be a bit of a game.
If you reply after two hours, they’ll wait three hours before shooting you a message back.
If you’ve been quite busy, they’ll pretend they’re busy as well because they don’t want to seem too keen.
And if you don’t respond for one whole day, they’ll unmatch you or block you because they want to win the game of who cares the least.
But that’s not what dating should be about.
I mean, the whole reason you’re actively talking to people is that you’re interested in forming a romantic relationship. If you play hard to get, you’re going against the fundamental purpose of dating.
Of course, there’s one other reason why women – and people in general – may play hard to get in these kinds of situations…
4) They seek external validation
Some people don’t date to find a romantic partner. They date to feel validated or to get an ego boost.
This happens especially when the woman in question isn’t interested in forming a deeper connection with you but likes the attention and distraction that your conversations bring.
She may play hard to get because she is, in fact, impossible to get.
Of course, a little bit of external validation never hurt anybody, and plenty of people seek a bit of an ego boost after a breakup or a painful rejection.
But it’s important that we don’t lead people on and that we’re very clear on what it is we want, be it a casual relationship, a friendship, or something more serious.
This woman might seek your validation because she suffers from poor self-esteem, because she’s going a bit rogue after a big breakup, or because she was socialized into thinking her romantic appeal is the most important aspect of her.
However, these are all explanations rather than excuses.
5) They think that playing hard to get is the rule of the game
Another reason a woman may pretend she’s unavailable is that she may simply think that’s how dating works.
There are so many mysterious manic pixie dream girls in movies and video games that it is often the unavailable, idealized woman who is praised, not the raw woman with real passions, struggles, and desires.
If a woman grows up in quite a sheltered environment where certain ideas are highlighted and others ignored, she may think that she *needs* to play hard to get in order to be appealing. She *needs* to let the man chase her for a bit so that she doesn’t “give in” so easily.
Of course, these are incredibly outdated and inaccurate narratives that don’t really benefit anyone, least of all the woman who feigns emotional unavailability.
What’s more, they can be easily misinterpreted and misconstrued, leading to harmful ideas that result in people ending up in dangerous situations.
How about this: let’s just throw the whole “hard to get” game out of the window. Let’s say what we want and don’t want in clear terms. And let’s respect each other’s wishes and boundaries.
6) They may have an avoidant attachment style
Finally, many women who “play hard to get” are actually just struggling to open themselves up to vulnerability and to love someone with all their heart.
An avoidant attachment style is usually a result of having grown up with inconsistent or neglectful caretakers. It’s a coping mechanism that we integrate in order to save ourselves from hurt.
And far too often, the patterns of behavior we learn during childhood follow us into our adult years, wreaking havoc in our close – especially romantic – relationships.
Does this mean you should excuse every avoidant woman’s behavior and just accept her as she is?
No. Your needs and wants are important, too, and if an avoidant attachment style is a deal-breaker for you, it is your right to walk away and find someone better suited to you.
Ultimately, we should all strive to both date and become emotionally mature people who can communicate, embrace vulnerability, and express genuine interest in potential partners.
And if a woman doesn’t tick those boxes, she may have some self-development work to do.
