Women who feel undervalued and unappreciated in their relationships tend to display these 7 subtle behaviors

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Hi! Welcome to the club of women whose hard work and effort have gone unappreciated in their relationships.

As the founder, I have quite a vast experience with feeling undervalued by someone I poured my heart and soul into. It’s quite an impressive CV. I’ll show you sometime.

For now, though, this article is about you. Do you feel unappreciated in your relationship?

I know just how confusing it can be to untangle the web of feelings inside you. Fortunately, one way to find out is to observe how you act (rather than feel).

Women who feel undervalued by their partners tend to display these 7 subtle behaviors.

1) They put in extra effort just to be noticed

Do you know that feeling when you go the extra mile for your partner, take great care to do something wonderful for them or share an accomplishment of yours with them, and then witness a lacklustre reaction that only brings your spirits down?

The disappointment is almost tangible – your chest feels heavy, your energy is seeping out of you, and you’re suddenly fighting the tears gathering in your eyes.

And yet.

Yet you keep trying.

Time and again, you think to yourself, “If I do X, they will see me for who I am. If I do Z, they will realize just how precious this relationship is. If I do Y, they will change.”

I’ve been there, my friend.

This is what I consider to be the first stage of the whole process. It’s when you cling to hope and control, convincing yourself that you are able to carry the whole relationship on your shoulders.

It’s when you take the burden upon yourself because it’s better to live in the illusion that you have control over the narrative than to admit there is nothing you can do to change your partner’s unbothered energy.

It’s when you try. And try again. And once more.

2) They bring up the same issues over and over again

“I feel like we don’t really spend enough time together. It’s like we co-habit more than anything.”

“You never ask me about my day. I always ask about yours because I genuinely want to know about it.”

“You said we’d go on weekly dates, but here we are, three weeks later, and you still haven’t arranged anything although it was your turn…”

I can’t even remember how many times I’ve brought up issues along these lines and hit a wall in my past relationships.

My exes reassured me they were just tired or overworked; they had a lot on their mind; they would try to put in more effort, yes, of course, they absolutely would.

But as weeks turned into months, I found myself stuck in a cycle of bringing up the same problem – I felt unappreciated, unloved, uninteresting – and nothing seemed to change.

In my most recent relationship, I finally realized that it was not me who wanted too much. My needs were valid and reasonable. It was just that my ex was unable or simply didn’t want to fulfill them.

If you constantly have to have conversations about the same issue, remember that there’s a high chance it’s not actually your fault.

We all make mistakes, but it seems your partner may have turned a mistake into a pattern. And for whatever reason, this pattern doesn’t seem to be changing.

3) They frequently ask for reassurance

Look, I have also been guilty of the occasional “Do you love me?” and “Would you still be in love with me if I was a floating head?”

Romantic relationships are extremely difficult not only because they require us to be very emotionally intelligent and empathetic to make it work but also because they trigger all kinds of attachment issues and unhealed wounds.

It’s already hard enough when you have a loving and emotionally secure partner, but once you date someone with an avoidant attachment style or someone who simply doesn’t appreciate you…

Well, let’s just say it’s a whole new level of hell.

You may ask for reassurance way too often. You might fish for compliments, always find yourself physically close to your partner, or get triggered by something as simple as a mood swing.

To top it all off, you probably know just how annoying your behavior can get, but no matter how annoyed and frustrated you feel, you can’t seem to find the off button.

Here’s the thing, though.

Yes, it’s entirely possible you have an anxious attachment style that’s gotten out of hand. However, that’s not the only explanation.

Another idea is just as plausible – your partner doesn’t fulfil your (very valid) needs, they don’t make an effort to speak your love language, and they make you feel unappreciated.

As a result, you subconsciously try to wrench their affection out of them with a pair of pliers (aka, annoying questions).

Unfortunately, forced or ungenuine gestures of affection are never enough. Your heart can tell this isn’t what it wants.

4) They may resort to passive-aggressive behavior

Soon, resentment sets in.

And that’s how you know it’s the beginning of the end.

Once you realize that you’ve exhausted all your options, that all your effort has led to no or very little change… you start to feel bitter.

How come your partner doesn’t see just how amazing you are? How come they don’t appreciate what they have?

Maybe they need to miss something in order to see its true value.

Maybe, if you stop cleaning the house for a week, they’ll recognize just how much you do on a daily basis while they don’t lift a finger.

If you punish them with the silent treatment, perhaps they’ll miss the warmth and love you usually shower them with.

If you let your anger show and start to snap at them whenever you feel like it, maybe it’ll dawn on them that things are starting to get serious.

I’ve got some bad news. In my experience, passive-aggressive behavior rarely solves the problem. In fact, it usually makes everything worse.

I completely understand where you’re coming from, though. Feeling resentful and unappreciated is a very powerful emotion. If you’re not careful, it can consume you whole.

5) They complain about their partners to others

When we stumble upon an obstacle in our romantic relationships, it’s normal to discuss it with our close friends to gain some perspective.

As long as we talk about our partners in a respectful way that doesn’t demean them or break their privacy, a conversation with friends can help us step outside of ourselves and see things from a fresh angle.

So, how can you tell your resentment has officially clawed its way right to your core?

You no longer hold back when talking about your partner with your friends. That respectful tone you always tried to employ has left the chat.

You complain, use words your partner would have felt hurt by if they heard, and you might even overshare about certain things your significant other would prefer to keep private.

And that’s because resentment tends to chip away at respect. And once respect is gone…

The relationship begins to disintegrate.

6) They seek appreciation elsewhere

When I felt undervalued in my previous relationship, I eventually began to focus on other aspects of my life just so I could escape the feelings of bitterness and disappointment.

I worked really hard. I spent a lot of time with my friends. I buried myself in academic essays and books. I came up with different projects to keep myself occupied.

I didn’t feel wanted or cherished by the one person whose appreciation mattered most to me, and so I looked for it elsewhere – in academia, in my writing, in my wonderful friendships.

But you can only run so far. Eventually, the truth will catch up with you. 

And then you can’t go on anymore.

7) They slowly give up on the relationship

Women are known for ending relationships slowly and painfully. We practically let all our hopes get crushed to dust while our mental health deteriorates before we finally break up with someone.

It took me a very long time before I made the decision to end my relationship.

The choice came after countless attempts to improve the dynamic, after many nights spent crying, and after hours of confiding in my closest friends.

If you feel yourself giving up on the relationship you’re in as well, know that you’re not alone and that perhaps your intuition is telling you that it’s time to move on.

It is one thing to feel unappreciated for a while, have a conversation about it, and see your partner’s behavior change.

It’s another story entirely if you get stuck in a long-term pattern of thirsting after love, having your needs unfulfilled, and feeling resentful about the fact that your partner doesn’t cherish what they have.

And you know what?

That resentment, however uncomfortable, is a huge sign that you know you deserve better

You deserve a partner who will appreciate you in all your beauty. And if someone can’t do that…

Another person will.

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Tina Fey

I'm Tina Fey, the founder of the blog Love Connection. I've extremely passionate about sharing relationship advice. I've studied psychology and have my Masters in marital, family, and relationship counseling. I hope with all my heart to help you improve your relationships, and I hope that even if one thing I write helps you, it means more to me than just about anything else in the world. Check out my blog Love Connection, and if you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter

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