Amy Reed
Feeling lonely is a powerful emotion. Personally, I think everyone has to experience loneliness at least once in their life!
It makes you appreciate company, including your own, and it can grow your independence like nothing else can.
But being lonely in a relationship isn’t quite so teaching. In fact, it’s something that shouldn’t happen at all when you’re happy together.
Relationships should spark feelings of connection and contentment; a feeling of independence and togetherness all at once.
They shouldn’t feel lonely or isolating. If they do, you might not want to admit it – even to yourself. But your behaviors might be giving you away.
Like if…
1) You’d rather see friends than your partner
When you feel lonely, you probably text your friends a lot more than when you don’t!
Like when I went through a breakup, I relied on my support network in those first couple of months more than I usually would.
And sure, some people are just very sociable and love meeting up with their friends all the time!
But if this behavior comes on very suddenly, or you just always prefer seeing friends over your partner, it could mean something else.
It could mean that loneliness is creeping into your relationship, and a lack of connection with your partner is to blame…
2) You only do things you enjoy alone
As an introvert, I love going out alone! Like to the garden center or for a forest walk.
But introvert or not, you shouldn’t only do things you enjoy alone when you’re in a relationship. Your partner should want to come with you sometimes.
When you feel lonely, this probably doesn’t happen. Instead, your partner prefers seeing their friends or watching TV over spending time with you.
Which means you often end up going out alone. When people ask if you like doing these things by yourself, you say, “Oh, I don’t mind”.
But in reality, you do mind a little bit. You know it’d be nice to have company on occasion. Company just isn’t something you can find in your partner when it comes to doing things you like…
3) You stay late at work most nights
My old director was the best boss ever! She was brilliant at her job and worked hard.
No matter what time you left the office, she’d still be in hers, tapping away at her keyboard. You’d often get emails from her on a weekend or when she was supposed to be on vacation.
When I was single, I looked up to her behavior. But when I got into a relationship, I didn’t. I questioned it – big time!
I couldn’t wait to get home to my partner. I’d never work late when I could spend time with him. It made me wonder why she did when her partner was at home…
She might not have been lonely in her relationship. But throwing yourself into work and not wanting to come home is a classic sign that you might be.
4) You flirt with guys when you go out
I know this just sounds like bad behavior, but when a woman constantly flirts with other guys, the reasons might be deeper than “she’s just a flirt”.
Loving someone is supposed to feel connecting. You should feel like you know each other deeply and are seen for who you are.
When there’s a disconnect between two people, you won’t feel like this. You’ll feel misunderstood and uncared for. You’ll crave attention and affection because you aren’t getting it from your partner.
So, to fulfill your needs, you might flirt with others any chance you get.
It may seem innocent and harmless, but it usually isn’t. Most people who are happy in their relationship don’t want or need to seek validation from others. They get enough of that from the person they’re dating…
5) You don’t talk about your relationship with anyone
Some women are private about their relationship and there’s nothing wrong with that! But when you NEVER talk about your partner, privacy might not be the reason why.
This is especially true if you used to talk about your relationship all the time, but now, you couldn’t avoid the subject more if you tried!
Like when your friends ask how your partner is, do you say, “Good” and quickly change the subject? Do you roll your eyes and say, “Let’s not talk about him, let’s talk about fun stuff!”?
When you’re genuinely happy in your relationship, there might not be much to say about it. But you’ll still talk about them sometimes!
You might say something nice about them, talk proudly about what they’re up to, get something off your chest, or just share details of the dates you’ve been on recently.
But when you don’t know what’s going on with them, don’t have dates to talk about, or just don’t want to talk about them, it might be because you aren’t as “together” as you used to be…
These days, the idea of them just feels lonely and sad, and you just want to forget that feeling when you’re out with friends.
6) You’re always trying to improve yourself
This is a good thing, no doubt! It’s always good to work on yourself and set new goals for your life.
But pay close attention to the reasons why you’re doing this. Is it because you think you aren’t good enough as you are? Is it because you think if you do this, you’ll finally get the attention you want from them?
Like if you finally lose that weight or get a better job, your boyfriend will pay more attention to you? Or he’ll love you like he used to?
When I was in a lonely, unhappy relationship, I kept thinking there was something wrong with me. I always felt like I needed to do better and be better. That way, he’d finally “love” me and pay attention to me like he used to.
It wasn’t until things ended that I realized there wasn’t anything wrong with how I was. I was unhappy with my relationship, not myself. It was just hard to tell the difference for a while…
7) You’ve stopped your self-care
Everyone’s different, and while one woman might up her beauty regime when she feels lonely, another one might stop it completely.
I don’t want to say she “gives up”, as I don’t think that’s a nice term. But essentially, she won’t really care what she looks like anymore.
She won’t care if she showers or not when her boyfriend is coming over. She won’t care about buying nice clothes for herself or even dressing up.
I felt this way once and blamed it on the fact that I just felt so comfortable with him that I didn’t need to make an effort – ever!
It was only when it ended that I realized I’d stopped seeing the point in dressing up because he didn’t care if I did or didn’t…
When really, self-care should be something you always do – for yourself as well as the people around you.
If you “give up” on your self-care like this, it could signal some unhappiness in your relationship. It could be a sign that you don’t feel seen or noticed, and it’s making you feel lonely…
8) You self-deprecate as a joke
Making yourself the butt of the joke is a risky game. Sometimes it’s funny. After all, most comedians make fun of themselves to get a laugh!
But when you do it all the time, it can signal that you lack self-esteem.
Like if you say, “Don’t worry, I’ll do that, I’m the ugliest one out of us anyway!”. Or, “I’ll sit back and watch you guys do it, I’m terrible at everything anyway!”.
These are self-deprecating jokes that aren’t actually that funny. They’re also a classic sign that you might be feeling unhappy, insecure, or lonely in your relationship.
Why? Because when your partner stops paying attention to you, it feels like they don’t care about you. The longer things stay this way, the worse your self-esteem can become.
So while it may seem like “just a joke”, it might actually be a cry for the attention and validation that you aren’t getting in your relationship…
Final thoughts
Feeling independent and feeling alone are two very different emotions. When you do things by yourself, it should feel empowering and uplifting. And, also, kind of normal.
But you shouldn’t be on your own all the time when you’re in a relationship. You also shouldn’t have an underlying feeling of loneliness seep into your every day, even when you’re together…
These feelings aren’t normal and they aren’t really OK in a relationship. You should feel loved, validated, appreciated, and together.
Not lonely or like you have to do everything on your own…
