Tina Fey
Resentment is like a poison that slowly eats away at you.
Not only does it destroy your own well-being, but it can ruin relationships too.
Unfortunately, weโre not always good at expressing our frustrations and irritations.
But when we keep it bottled inside, it only festers.
Here are some signs that a woman is deeply resentful, even though she never complains.
1) She constantly runs around after others
As weโll see throughout this article, people-pleasing behaviors often end up in secret resentment.
Thatโs because it means someone is overly concerned with keeping others happy, and so often neglects themselves in the process.
If a woman consistently puts other peopleโs needs and wants in front of her own, it sounds like there is an imbalance.
Sooner or later, thatโs bound to lead to her begrudgingly putting everyone else first.
2) She withdraws when she is feeling down or angry
A lot of the time stonewalling (aka the silent treatment) looks like sulking.
Sometimes it is. But itโs also important to realize that this passive-aggressive move often arises when people cannot express themselves in healthier ways.
For example, when someone finds confrontation too difficult, perhaps as they fear rejection. Or if they canโt find the words to honestly share what they worry are โnegativeโ emotions.
But when we try to keep a lid on feelings, they have a habit of spilling out anyway, often in toxic ways.
Withdrawing becomes a defense mechanism to try to handle anger and upset at a situation or person.
3) She talks a lot about everything she does for others
My mom is a classic example of this.
She wants to be a completely selfless person, and in many ways she is. But the real truth is that selflessness isnโt healthy.
Itโs not only okay to consider your own needs, but itโs essential to your well-being.
When you bury them, you turn yourself into the martyr and end up silently seething, hoping someone will realize itโs not fair how much you put yourself out.
Rather than have clear boundaries and say when something isnโt convenient for her, my mom will make very subtle complaints.
If youโre not paying attention, you could easily miss them. They seem light-hearted and played down.
Sheโll very delicately highlight how busy she is or what she has to do for others.
For example, โIโm feeling quite tired as itโs been a busy week. Your sister needs me to pick up the kids again. I was there 3 days this week already. But, of course, I donโt mind.โ
Although itโs not a complaint, when you read between the lines you can see the strain she feels under.
4) She turns her irritations into a joke
Sarcasm is often used in relationships to make subtle digs.
A lot of truths get expressed under the guise of โonly kidding”.
It becomes a platform to air annoyances that feel less confrontational and more indirect.
Itโs another passive-aggressive outlet for the things we donโt feel like we can say straight-up.
5) She seems incapable of saying โnoโ
Every single request made of her she feels obliged to agree to.
Even if she is running herself into the ground and close to burnout, she still takes on more.
It may be parties that she doesnโt want to attend, favors she doesnโt want to do, or extra workloads she doesnโt have the time for.
We only have a limited amount of energy and time. When we say yes to everything, something has to give, and thatโs often at the expense of self-nurturing.
This is why people pleasing can lead to extra pressure on yourself, as weโre about to see next.
6) She gets stressed or anxious
General life dissatisfaction and taking on far too much are just a couple of things that can turn into stress.
When we have too much on our plate or feel resentment in our relationships it may manifest in anxiety or depression.
Itโs not just the physical toll it can take, itโs the mental one. When feelings like anger, sadness, bitterness, hurt, and indignation build, they have to go somewhere.
This leads us nicely to our next signโฆ
7) She has mood swings
The reason is that she is sitting on her emotions.
When we try to push down frustration and irritation, it starts to build below the surface.
It needs an outlet, and if you donโt give it one it tends to explode.
She may end up crying over something seemingly small, but thatโs because itโs all been building up.
Or she flips her lid over little things, which are the metaphorical straw that broke the camel’s back.
8) Thereโs an unspoken tension in the air
Sometimes words donโt need to be spoken for you to sense there is an issue.
Weโre very good at reading non-verbal cues that people give off because so much of our subtle communication involves these silent aspects.
Thatโs why resentment can show up as an uncomfortable and uneasy energy in the air.
You canโt quite put your finger on it, but you still sense something isnโt right.
9) She has a victim mentality
Resentment robs us of our power.
We end up feeling hostage to things that seem out of our control.
โI donโt like it, but what can I do about it?!โ
This mindset means we slip into victimhood.
Our circumstances donโt change because we are waiting for others to make the first move.
We donโt realize that weโre the ones in charge of our own feelings, thoughts, and actions, which can make all the difference.
This sense of powerlessness only serves to further feed the resentment as she feels trapped in it.
10) She can be quite cold
Withdrawing affection is another consequence of deep resentment.
Perhaps she no longer wants to spend as much time together and makes excuses as to why.
Rather than explain how she is really feeling, she pretends sheโs just busy or tired.
But itโs actually a sign of the disconnect she feels. It manifests in a withdrawal of affection and attention.
She may be complainingโฆjust not to you
Itโs worth pointing out that a woman who feels deeply resentful but doesnโt complain may have an outlet elsewhere.
The majority of badmouthing behind peopleโs backs springs from an inability to directly address concerns with someone face to face.
Sadly, women are often taught by society that they should always be nice and kind, and so end up suppressing what they believe to be negative thoughts and emotions towards someone.
But because thatโs not natural, they then feel compelled to express themselves, and so may do that with a friend or family member.
Letting go of deep resentment
Itโs a process that involves internal and external steps. But the good news is that peace of mind and healthier relationships are possible.
1) Create clear and healthy boundaries
Boundaries can feel tricky for many of us to navigate. But this is just one of the many areas where they become vitally important in maintaining healthy relationships.
We have to be able to express what we want and expect from others.
We cannot expect people to be mind readers, yet thatโs often what happens. People assume expectations without clearly defining them.
They then start to feel resentment when they arenโt met.
Getting more comfortable with honest communication is a must.
I know it can be awkward, but boundaries are no use if we canโt simultaneously find appropriate ways to express and uphold them.
2) Take self-responsibility
Resentment creates feelings like โthis isnโt fairโ.
But it becomes a big problem because itโs often accompanied by hopelessness that thereโs nothing you can do about it.
These things combined create a โwoe is meโ self-narrative that ends up leaving you feeling hard done by.
Taking 100% responsibility for ourselves empowers us because we start to realize we do get a say.
If we donโt like how someone is treating us, we donโt have to wait around for them to realize the error of their ways and do better.
Itโs on you to choose how you want to live your life.
3) Be kind to yourself
Self-compassion and self-care can help us to release some of the unpleasant emotions that have built up inside.
The kinder we are to ourselves the less burden we pile on. Many of the things we feel resentful about, nobody ever asked us to do.
Learning that your own emotions, needs, and preferences are just as important as other peopleโs is key.
4) Use empathy to let go of grudges
Sometimes resentment builds up against one person and it fills us with negativity.
To help let go it can be useful to put yourself in someone elseโs shoes.
The real truth is that the vast majority of us are doing the best we can, with the life tools and skills that we have at the time.
When someone falls short, theyโre not necessarily a โbad personโ, they are just human and so flawed like the rest of us.
5) Remember to be grateful and focus on the positives
Gratitude is like a magic tonic that can help to dissolve bitterness.
Resentment keeps us focused on our frustrations. But in the process, we can forget all thatโs good.
Looking for what we can feel thankful for encourages positive emotions and aids our relationships.
Itโs not about glossing over the bad, that clearly needs addressing. But it is about readdressing the balance so we donโt inadvertently overlook the good.
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