The freedom of being single eventually loses all novelty at one point or another.
Eventually, you start to see all your friends getting engaged or going on couple vacations on social media, and you can’t seem to attend any social event without someone’s partner being around.
And you just can’t help but ask yourself: Why haven’t I found anyone yet? Am I going to be single forever?
Whether you’ll eventually find the love of your life or not isn’t just a matter of whether you go on a certain number of dates every month.
Sometimes you need to take a step back from dating and ask yourself a few questions, just to see if your head — and heart — is really in the right place.
Here are 23 questions you need to ask yourself if you don’t want to be single forever.
1) Have you moved on from your ex?
We often underestimate just how much a previous relationship can impact the way we live and think moving forward.
And one of the biggest obstacles for most people trying to find a new, healthy relationship is the lasting damage they experienced from their previous relationship.
Your ex was once someone you gave your all to.
I’ve been in this situation too, and I understand how difficult it moving on can be. That’s why I want to share what helped me get through it:
A rejuvenating free breathwork video, created by Brazillian shaman, Rudá Iandê.
Combining breathwork with his shamanic knowledge, these exercises are aimed at restoring emotional balance and dissolving anxiety, but most importantly, at reconnecting with yourself.
Since starting the exercises, I feel like I can finally focus on myself instead of my ex. And, I feel like I’m in a better place to create genuine, healthy relationships, especially since the one I have with myself is flourishing.
After all, that’s the most important relationship you’ll ever have. Work on that first, be true to yourself, and you’ll soon attract love again.
2) Are you a person other people want to be with?
Being single when you don’t want to be can be extremely frustrating. You think, “I’m doing everything I can, why is it so hard to find someone who likes me?”
And you start to question your self-worth, because you might be putting yourself out there in all your vulnerability, and even then, no one wants to take you up.
But perhaps the issue isn’t your willingness to love, but your base personality — the general way you act and behave.
Maybe you can’t find someone who wants to love you and accept your love because you make it difficult for people to like you in the first place.
So ask yourself: are you a person that other people like being around? Do you have difficulty making friends? Do you radiate a positive energy that inspires and brightens other people up, or do you come across as negative, grumpy, disagreeable and unlikable?
Before anyone can love you, they need to like you. But do you even like yourself?
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3) Are you open to trying new things?
Humans are creatures of habit.
Even the wildest extroverts and party animals eventually fall into routines and schedules, because we all realize at one point or another that stability is the only way we can grow.
But the problem with this behavior is the tendency to go too far into our stubborn routines.
Over time, we eventually build a little comfort zone in every aspect of our lives, giving little to no wiggle room for anything new.
Maybe you’re at the point where you can’t remember the last time you did something totally new in your life because all you do are things you’ve been doing for years.
So how do you expect to bump into the love of your life if you only ever walk paths etched with your old footsteps?
If you’ve been doing the same things for years, then clearly your potential partner isn’t in the places you visit.
If you want to find them, you’ll need to go somewhere and do something else.
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4) Do you have the perfect person you’re waiting for?
When you think about the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, what do you think of?
What do they look like? How do they act and behave? What are their hobbies; what’s their temperament?
How much time have you spent daydreaming about this person and trying to manifest them into your reality?
While it’s never wrong to have an ideal partner, you might be sabotaging dozens of potential relationships simply because they don’t fit the exact mold you had in mind.
Dreaming about your perfect soulmate can give you unrealistic expectations about the people around you.
This ultimately makes you unhappy with someone who might actually want a real relationship with you.
You end up never giving them a shot because they don’t exactly fit your dream man or woman.
It’s time to let go of that ideal partner.
And you might think that this is about settling for the next person you meet. But that’s not the case.
It’s about being more open to new possibilities, rather than forcing the universe to create a person who doesn’t exist.
5) Do you know who you are and what you want with your life?
So many frustrated single people spend tons of time and energy on dating, meeting new people, and trying to start relationships that ultimately end up failing.
But how much time and energy have you spent on yourself?
Some of us use relationships as a crutch.
Your partner becomes your distraction from yourself and your own life as you don’t really know who you are or what you want to do with yourself.
But using a relationship to fill the void in your life can lead to a number of toxic and destructive behaviors: obsessiveness, jealousy, neediness, and more.
Any healthy and fulfilled person can see through all that; they can see through your attempts to fill the void in your life with the relationship, and this pushes them away from you.
This is why it’s crucial that before you put yourself out there, you actually know yourself — your goals, your needs, and your personality.
Recommended reading: How to find yourself in this crazy world and discover who you are
6) Do you love yourself?
No one can love you if you don’t love yourself. So ask yourself — do you love the person you see in the mirror?
Loving yourself isn’t easy. No one knows your worst characteristics and sins more than you.
You’ve disappointed and betrayed yourself several times, and you may have difficulty living with some of the things you’ve done in the past.
And the reason why this matters is simple: if you don’t love yourself, you can’t inspire someone else to love you.
You may use their love to make up for the feelings of emptiness and even resent you have for yourself.
While that may work for a while, no one can continue unconditionally loving another person indefinitely, especially when they do nothing to work on themselves.
So love yourself. Learn how to forgive yourself for the things you’ve done, and move forward doing things that turn you into a person you can look in the mirror with respect.
Only then can you find someone else to join you.
Recommended reading: 9 ways to practice self-love and believe in yourself again
7) Are you willing to work for your love?
Ask any couple who has spent a lifetime together, “What is the most important thing for a long and lasting relationship?”, and most of them will answer something along the lines of: the willingness to work for it.
We get this idea that love is supposed to be easy. And in the beginning, that beautiful honeymoon phase, it is.
But after the novelty of the relationship wears off, both partners have to deal with the reality that they are spending their life with a completely different person.
And no matter how compatible you two might be, there will always be clashes at one point or another.
This means that you and your partner will be faced with countless opportunities to fight and potentially break up.
And the only way you two will stay together is whether you’re both willing to continue working for the relationship: accommodating your partner, learning to compromise, and adjusting and changing in little ways to be a better companion for your partner.
8) Are you actively working to be a healthier and more attractive individual?
True love should go beyond the superficial, sure, but no one wants to spend their life with someone who doesn’t do any kind of self-care.
Just as much as you want an attractive, fit, and healthy partner, everyone else does, too.
So when was the last time you went to the gym? Have you ever counted your calories? Do you know how to cook, and do you think about the nutrition of your food when you eat? Are you the type of person who cares about their health and well-being?
You don’t have to be an Instagram model to find a relationship.
But you should do what you can to clean yourself up and look decent.
Not only will it be easier to attract your potential partner when you obviously take care of your body, but it will inspire them to be their best self as well.
Recommended reading: How to be sexy: Everything you need to know to look and feel attractive
10) Do you push people away when they get too close?
It’s easy to say you’re not compatible with anyone, without realizing that you may not actually be putting the work necessary to get closer to someone.
Vulnerability is tough. It’s hard to open up yourself to someone.
This especially the case in the modern dating scene when everyone seems to be so ready to move on to the next best thing.
Learning how to strike the balance between intimacy and absolute vulnerability is an essential skill.
Reveal your cards too easily and you risk scaring them off; at the same time, withdrawing too much affection might make them think you’re not that interested.
It’s time to open up your heart and let people into your life. Shared humor and similar hobbies can only go so far.
If you really want to connect with another human being and find someone who could potentially be your partner, put in the work necessary to make that happen.
We tend to have the idea that romantic connections are instant and that anything less than that isn’t worth pursuing.
Don’t take notes from movies: real relationships require real work.
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11) Do you avoid trying because you can’t stand rejection?
Maybe you’re single because you just never try to get past the first steps.
Putting yourself out there is scary.
The idea of someone rejecting you after you open your heart to them sounds miserable, but it is part of the process.
Some people are lucky, but for most of us, finding the love of our lives involves more than just a few bad dates.
Bad dates are an inevitable part of this journey; it’s what makes the destination all the more worthwhile.
You might have a habit of dismissing other people so quickly or nitpicking what they have to offer.
Without knowing it, these could be your coping mechanisms so you don’t have to confront the possibility of rejection.
Your relationship is never going to work if you don’t take a risk.
The right person for you might be closer than you think, but you’re risking missed opportunities because you’re too afraid to really commit to the process.
Rejections are a normal part of dating. Don’t take it personally and don’t get discouraged.
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12) Are there other areas in your life you want to prioritize first?
Too many people use relationships as a crutch.
They think company is a band-aid solution for their problems, which harms their chances of actually dating someone special.
The reason why you haven’t had the best luck with relationships might be because you’re simply not ready for one.
Self-love isn’t the only component to establishing a healthy relationship with yourself.
You might be dealing with past baggage from a previous relationship that’s keeping you from being your best self in new relationships.
Be more aware of where you are in your psychological and emotional growth.
You might be subconsciously projecting personal issues onto others, limiting your ability to connect and communicate with those around you.
Things like job security and financial stability are also important variables when it comes to meeting someone.
People who are looking to settle down often turn to people who more or less have their life together.
People want to date people who have something to offer.
Do you have interesting hobbies? Do you have passions you can share with someone? Focusing on self-development urges you forward and makes you a more attractive person.
Recommended reading: Here are 40 personal development goals that will make you happier
13) Have you forgotten what it’s like to flirt?
Flirting is an explicit expression of interest. Directness is crucial in the game of attraction; how else will someone know that you’re interested in them romantically?
Playful banter sets the tone for building communication and rapport with someone. It’s a way to showcase your personality and show people that you’re not dull.
As important as it is to be vulnerable, another crucial component to attraction is flirting.
Some connections fail to progress beyond friendship because one or both persons involved don’t feel any sexual chemistry.
Too many people get into the friendzone because they don’t take the connection a step further.
If you find good dates ending with “I would love to be friends”, chances are your flirting game could use some work.
Recommended reading: How to flirt like a pro: 27 incredible tips
14) Do you “go to bed” too fast?
You’d think that going through a revolving door of sexual partners might be putting you a step closer to finding true love.
After all, the more you sleep around, the more people you test your compatibility with.
In reality, this might be harming your chances of finding someone you could be with long-term.
The modern dating scene has made it easy to reap the benefits of a relationship without necessarily putting in the work.
You could meet someone on the same day, exchange banter, sleep together, and never see each other again.
If you’re making it too easy for romantic prospects to sleep with you, there is no reason for them to stick around or try any harder.
When you set the standards too low, they understand that they can get the benefits without committing to you.
Do you often find yourself getting ghosted after the second or third date? How often do you find yourself developing feelings for a person, only to have them end it in a couple of weeks?
If your dating history more or less involves a steady stream of new guys every week, you might rethink how casual you are with sex.
Intimacy feels so much better when you share it with someone you sincerely care about.
15) Do you give up on a person after a single flaw?
App-based dating culture makes it seem like connection is an infinite resource.
Don’t like where the conversation is going? Unmatch and try again. Did they do something that was a little awkward? Ghost and never talk to them again.
One of the biggest problems of the modern dating scene is that it encourages people to take others for granted.
Rather than sticking it out with someone and working through flaws, no matter how minor, people are more disillusioned and convinced that The One is just one swipe away.
In reality, no relationship is perfect. Even the most compatible people on the planet will run into awkward bums in the beginning.
If you don’t like one thing about a person, that doesn’t mean there aren’t any feasible ways to reconcile your differences.
Too many people nitpick the smallest things and use that as an excuse to terminate the relationship.
This leads to a vicious cycle of swiping and hoping that the next person you talk to is perfect.
16) Do you really want to be in a relationship?
You have to want to be in a relationship to successfully be in one.
You might be unknowingly giving off the vibe that you’re not very committed, which would explain why your attempts at a relationship are falling short.
If you don’t want a relationship, that’s fine. Don’t let your peers pressure you into thinking that this kind of arrangement is something that everybody needs.
Maybe you’re at the stage of your life where you’re looking to “shop around”.
Maybe you’re still healing from past wounds and would like to use this as an opportunity to meet other people without necessarily settling down.
The important thing is to understand what you really want. This helps you set expectations for yourself.
This way, you can avoid getting upset when you see that you’re not progressing in the traditional sense.
Understanding where your head is at in terms of relationships helps you navigate other people’s emotions and connect with like-minded people.
Recommended reading: Am I ready for a relationship? 20 signs you are and 9 signs you aren’t
17) Are you becoming a better person every day?
Are you really the best person you could be for other people?
Do you take care of your body enough that you can be considered physically attractive by someone else?
Do you have hobbies, a career plan, and just general things to talk about and offer the other person?
Dating is all about value propositions.
If you’re a 28-year-old loser, living in your parent’s basement, with hobbies consisting of video games and not much else, chances are you won’t find the perfect person.
In order to attract the kind of people you want to be with, you have to be the person they’ll be attracted to.
This means working towards self-development and growth.
If you’re not having much success in your dating life, use this as a sign to start working on yourself. Improve your social skills, work on your body, get into a new hobby.
18) Do you understand what they want?
If you’re a woman who is wondering why you don’t have a boyfriend, then you need to grasp what men want from a relationship with you.
And new research is showing that men are driven by biological instincts in their relationships more than was previously realized.
In particular, men want to provide for and protect you. This drive is deeply rooted in their biology. Since humans first evolved, men have wanted to stand up for the woman in their lives.
Even in this day and age, men still want to do this. Of course you may not need him too, but this doesn’t mean that men don’t want to be there for you. It’s encoded in their DNA to do so.
If you can make your guy feel essential, it unleashes his protective instincts and the most noble aspect of his masculinity. Most importantly, it will unleash his deep feelings of attraction.
And the kicker?
A man won’t fall for a woman when this thirst isn’t satisfied.
I think this biological explanation of what men really want is a fascinating take on what drives men romantically.
I first learned about this biological instinct through relationship psychologist James Bauer. It’s no secret that instincts drive human behavior but James was the first one to extrapolate this to relationships between men and women.
Click here to watch a free video by James Bauer. He reveals one particular biological instinct in men that few women are aware of. I think that understanding it could be a game changer for your relationship.
Recommended reading: The Hero Instinct: How Can You Trigger It In Your Man?
19) Do you give people a chance?
Some people are still single because they never give other people a chance. They say no to dates and they don’t take the time to get to know a person.
If you’re like this, try a different approach.
Be open and give other people a chance.
Who knows? Some great love stories begin unexpectedly.
Open your heart to other people and soon enough, someone might just get in and stay.
20) Are you too needy?
If you constantly depend on other people and you cling to them like glitter, stop.
Neediness is unattractive.
Be independent and show others that you’re in control of your own life. In fact, slash that. You don’t need to show others you’re in control. Just live your life.
Spend some time alone and be mature enough to handle your own business.
The right person doesn’t need to be chased.
Recommended reading: How to stop being clingy and needy: 9 no bullsh*t tips
21) Do you meet new people?
Look, finding the time to meet new people can be challenging, especially, if you always have a busy schedule.
But completely isolating yourself from human contact might negatively affect not only your social life, but also your chances of meeting your potential significant other.
Try maintaining a healthy balance between work life and social life by spending some time with other people.
Be single and ready to mingle.
How on earth are you going to meet people if you don’t get out of the house once in a while?
Even if you use online dating to find people to go out with, you are missing out on chance encounters, introductions, and more!
22) Do you have fun while you’re single?
If you have followed the last 10 tips and you’re still single, don’t worry, it takes time finding the right person to be with.
In the meantime, it’s best to work on improving yourself and enjoy being single.
Spend time with your family, hang out with your friends, and do the things that make you happy. You can even travel and see that there’s a big world out there to see.
Soon enough, someone will enter your life and being single wouldn’t be a problem anymore.
Believe that someone out there is meant for you and it’s just a matter of time before you meet that person.
23) Do you fall in love with everyone?
You might have a hard time finding someone to be in a relationship with if you fall head over heels in love with anyone and everyone you meet.
This screams of desperation and nobody likes someone who is desperate.
Remember, a genuine and fulfilling relationship takes time. “Love at first sight” is bogus when it comes to building a strong relationship.
QUIZ: What’s your hidden superpower? We all have a personality trait that makes us special… and important to the world. Discover YOUR secret superpower with my new quiz. Check out the quiz here.
No one needs to be single forever. I hope these 23 tips will motivate you to put yourself out there and find the person right for you.
However, there’s one crucial ingredient to relationship success I think many women overlook:
Understanding how men think.
Getting a guy to open up and tell you what he’s really feeling can feel like an impossible task. And this can make building a loving relationship extremely difficult.
Let’s face it: Men see the world differently to you.
And this can make a deep passionate romantic relationship—something that men actually want deep down as well—difficult to achieve.
In my experience, the missing link in any relationship is never sex, communication or going on romantic dates. All these things are important, but they are rarely deal breakers when it comes to the success of a relationship.
The missing link is actually understanding what drives men
Relationship psychologist James Bauer’s new video will help you to really understand what makes men tick romantically—and the type of women they fall in love with. You can watch the video here.
James reveals a relationship “secret ingredient” few women know about which holds the key to a man’s love and devotion.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
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