Pearl Nash
Three months ago my boyfriend left. Yesterday he came back. That’s why I feel confident in giving you the following advice about how to use absence and no contact to your advantage. My method here is actually very simple, except many women go about this completely the wrong way and end up driving their man away permanently.
I’ll show you how to leave him alone the right way so that it’s effective and brings him back to your door more committed than ever before.
1) Let him feel your absence
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and whoever they are, they’re right. They really are.
You need to let your guy feel your absence and know that you’re really gone this time and you will not be coming back easily.
If your intention is just to do anything you can to convince and beg with him to come back, you might succeed however he will never really respect you again.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. This is why no contact is so important and why I like to swear by it in my own love life and experiences here.
This rule works, but you need to go about it correctly and really let it simmer, give it time to percolate and come to a boil.
He needs to feel that pain of separation and you need to accept that he might meet someone new. That’s the risk you have to be willing to take by sticking to no contact for a minimum of one month is my recommendation here.
2) Stop scrolling his social media (right now)
If you leave this guy alone he’s only going to come back if you do it for real. So take your hands off your phone. Don’t visit his profile, scan his stories or interact with him in any way.
Leave him alone for real, like for real for real. I can’t emphasize this enough to all you ladies out there. He needs to feel that space between you and really have some heartache.
He needs to feel that absence, really. Because if you’re liking his photos or putting wink faces under stuff he’s not going to feel that absence.
Leaving him alone means leaving him alone digitally, especially in our times like these when everything is beaming off our smartphones 24/7.
If he sees that you are watching his posts and stories and still tracking him longingly, he’s going to lose interest in you and rethink the attraction and love he may still have for you. Don’t give him the opportunity to do this.
Also don’t give yourself the chance to sink deeper into wishing he’d come back and trying to hope with all your might that he will. Focusing so much on this won’t allow the breathing room that needs to happen for him to come back.
3) Use social media to your advantage
You want to stay off his social media and following him around or awaiting his response. However getting this guy to come back to you and leaving him alone does not mean you must remain fully passive.
In fact your number one job here is to live your life as well as possible in his absence and to show some of that online as well.
If he hasn’t blocked you then there is a high probability that he will still be looking at your posts and stories. You want to ensure that these show you in the best light possible without showing off.
It’s OK to sad post a bit too, but do not go over the top with this or do it in a way that indicates a need for attention, approval or validation.
Your job is to show this guy that you’re moving on but that he really has lost out if he lets you go for good. However you do this in a week that doesn’t look like you are trying to do so.
The key is using social media somewhat spontaneously and showing yourself in your best light without overanalyzing it too much. Just the right balance to get him hooked and wanting to come back.
It’s something of a fine art.
4) Don’t rely on wishful thinking
Wishful thinking is so hard to avoid, but when you fall into it you start dramatically reducing the effectiveness of him coming back.
Wanting your ex to come back is one thing, and it’s very helpful to be honest that this is what you want. However waiting on him to do this expectantly or with all your hopes staked on it creates a very lose-lose atmosphere.
If he doesn’t come back, you’re devastated and your life is over. If he does come back you’re so eager that he loses respect and attraction for you and begins to take you for granted or even leaves you again.
You don’t want to base all your happiness on one person in life, it’s a major mistake to make.
5) Let him reinitiate contact (not you)
Will he come back if I leave him alone? Yes, but seriously leave him alone, and that includes on the digital front and texting and trying to get his attention.
Regardless of the reasons that led to your unfortunate breakup, this guy is going to have to be the one to decide whether or not to reinitiate contact. The best way to allow this to happen is to go about your life and focus on something else. I mentioned staying off his social networks and giving it a rest.
He’s going to be on your mind, that’s for sure, however you do not have to give in to the desire to contact him. He’s going to come back when he’s good and ready.
You should mute his social networks, texts and other ways he can contact you, however I advise against blocking. That’s because you want to be open to receiving his messages once he feels a desire to speak with you once again.
6) Resist the friendship siren song
There’s a big bag of half measures and tricks that some guys will use on you when they leave. One of them is what I call the friendship siren song.
Sirens were mythical creatures in ancient Greek mythology who would lure sailors to their deaths with their beautiful singing. A siren song is something which seems beautiful and amazing but ends up killing you.
That’s how it goes with getting friendzoned by an ex. You should never ever fall for this siren song unless all you want is really friendship.
Do you want your ex to come back only to just be friends? Because if the answer is no then you need to duck out and say no as soon as he starts dropping the F word.
If he gets back in touch but says that he wants to just be friends for now, you say that you really appreciate that but you’re interested in a relationship not friendship.
Make it clear where you stand, because if he really does only like you as a friend at this point then it’s not going to work out anyway.
Some people will tell you that romance and love can grow once again in the embers of friendship, but I strongly disagree. It’s not going to happen. So decide if you want him back for real, and don’t give in to his friendship pitch.
You can be friendly, but just be very assertive that you aren’t in this for platonic friendship.
7) Do not try to tap his friends for info or updates
On the friend subject, it can be very tempting to tap into his friends for updates on how he’s doing and whether he’s with someone new.
Like I said you won’t be stalking his social media and will be taking a break from that, so you may be inclined to see what you can hear on the grapevine and consult mutual friends or those who know him.
Doing this is just like holding a giant neon sign flashing the words ‘please come back to me I’m desperate for you.’ Guaranteed he will receive word that you are snooping around about him and he’ll be weirded out.
Even if he’s super in love with you still, hearing that you’re asking around about him is likely to make him feel a lot more sure of his position. No need to come back to you yet, right?
Maybe he’ll sleep with a few more girls and take his time, since you’re clearly going crazy without him.
Gregory Behrendt is a bestselling relationship author and I really like the way he explains this writing that “it’s likely that you might have mutual friends so you might need to stop hanging out in some places where you know he might be for some time also.
Keep yourself busy as much as you can either with work or a hobby, this is key in successfully avoiding him for the time being.
While it might be difficult, keep in mind that it is definitely going to be worth it.”
On the mark.
8) Think about why you broke up
Why did you break up? Was it you or him? I’m sure these are things you will be considering. My ex-ex and I broke up mutually, although he wanted it more than me. I guess you could say I got talked into the breakup by him.
The real causes were that we were having clashes in our values and it was starting to make our fights get quite bad. It began triggering issues he had from past relationships and presto, we split.
The problem is I was still in love with him, so I wanted him back. The other problem is I wasn’t ready to change my values in order to please him.
However, by reflecting on why we broke up and what it meant, I was able to reenter the relationship a few months later with a much clearer head.
The two of us were able to communicate in a much more meaningful way that actually led to us finding a lot of common ground we hadn’t realized we even had.
Our values weren’t as misaligned as we’d thought and we were able to talk back over the emotional issues that had led to our split.
I credit that partly with my time and energy I spent thinking back over the relationship and objectively taking apart what had happened and why.
9) Find out what a pro thinks
The tips I’m giving in this article are not easy to do. They require discipline and a lot of faith in yourself. They also require that your relationship is something you have confidence in.
If it was built on a shaky foundation then you may worry that your ex will forget about you and move on without a second thought.
While this article explores the main tips for making sure your ex finds his way back to you, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.
With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life and your experiences…
Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations, like going through a difficult time of separation with an ex.
They’re a very popular resource for people facing this sort of challenge.
How do I know?
Well, I reached out to them a few months ago when I was going through a tough patch in my own breakup where I was really tempted to beg my ex to come back.
It had been two months and I felt sure that by now it was up to me to reach out if I wanted any chance of salvaging what we’d had.
After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
Thank God that I didn’t call and make a fool of myself at that time, since it was only a week later that my ex got back in touch with me and we started the process of reconciling a month later.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
10) Make new friends
In many ways your ability to leave this guy alone and actually stick to it depends on finding a new focus for your time and energy as well as a social life that’s somewhat fulfilling.
If you’re like I was after your breakup, then you’re hurting and the last thing you want to do is go out and have fun. You don’t want to party or chill out and meet new people.
I know I didn’t. However, what I advise is to make new friends if possible, even if it’s just one and even if it’s very specific, such as a friend you can nerd out with about your love of a specific hobby or computer game.
Physical activities can be very well advised as well like finding a jogging friend or somebody who wants to go try the rock climbing wall at the gym. These kinds of things will really use your energy and get you feeling good in your body.
The secret that many won’t tell you is that feeling good in your body is the first step to feeling good in every other area of your life, including your love life.
11) You set the pace this time around
When your guy comes back, I’ve stressed not to treat this like a miracle that’s saved your life. I’m sure that both of you played some part in the breakup, and there’s no doubt that it hurt you.
Respect yourself and your process. Him wanting to come back does not suddenly mean that you prostrate yourself and beg his approval and love.
You have to set the pace this time around, because remember it’s him who’s coming back to you and a big part of this has been about turning the power dynamics so that you don’t humiliate yourself chasing after a man.
“Before you let him back, remember all those sleepless nights you spent crying,” wrote Ana V. at Think Aloud.
“Remember all the songs about toxic relationships that you listened to and do yourself a favor.
Don’t let him think that he can walk in and out of your life whenever he chooses.”
This. So much this.
