Paul Brian
Is your wife talking about an ex-boyfriend?
It can be frustrating, confusing and just plain bizarre.
Here’s how to know if the marriage is over or it’s just a small speed bump.
15 reasons your wife talks about her ex-boyfriend (and what it really means for your marriage)
1) She’s playing a game
Let’s start with a common and unfortunate one of the reasons your wife talks about her boyfriend (and what it really means for your marriage).
Sometimes she’s just talking about that one magic winter in Aspen with her ex Brad because she’s playing a game with you.
More specifically, she’s playing a game with your heart.
She’s testing how you’ll react and seeing if you’ll flip out, get sad, withdraw or do something bad in return.
Needless to say, this is very immature behavior that nobody should be doing in any relationship, much less a marriage.
If your wife is bringing up her ex-boyfriend in order to play with your emotions and test how you’ll respond, you have a solid reason to feel angry.
It’s juvenile, hurtful and dangerous. She’s risking torching your whole marriage in order to just test how much you love or how upset you get about her fantasizing about another guy.
2) She wants to hurt you
It gets worse.
Sometimes one of the reasons your wife talks about her boyfriend is that she wants to hurt you.
As simple as that.
Something in her own life or your relationship has upset her and she’s looking to lash out.
So she brings up her ex to piss you off.
If you don’t react, she keeps pushing.
If you do react, she uses that as a springboard for an even bigger, nastier fight.
It’s a vicious cycle that you just can’t win.
As Culture Club sang in their 1982 hit song “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?”
“Do you really want to hurt me?
Do you really want to make me cry?”
Unfortunately, in this case yes.
Your wife does want to hurt you and make you cry.
And that’s really horrible.
Your wife shouldn’t be trying to hurt you!
If your wife is doing this, it’s just one of the various signs that:
3) Your marriage is in trouble
The thing is that your wife wouldn’t be playing games or trying to hurt you if your marriage was doing OK.
Talking about her ex-boyfriend isn’t normal or healthy, and she knows it.
How would she feel if you were going on about a beautiful ex-girlfriend you had?
She’d probably be just a little bit uncomfortable too, right?
You could be forgiven for feeling like your relationship has run its course and your wife is just looking for a way out.
But that’s not always the case.
If this is you, don’t worry, there is a way to salvage your relationship.
Brad Browning is an expert in the field of relationships and marriage. In this quick video, he shares some excellent tips on how to resolve the issues in your marriage.
But not only that…
He also covers some crucial mistakes most people make, mistakes that usually end in divorce.
So if you want to give your marriage another chance, this video will be a great starting point.
With Brad’s advice, you’ll be in a better position to get through to your spouse and revive the loving marriage you once had.
Here’s a link to the free video once again.
4) She misses her ex and wants to divorce you
Browning’s system truly is helpful and insightful, especially if there’s still some hope left in your marriage.
But if your wife is completely convinced that she wants to get out of the marriage, sometimes it’s not possible for you to stop it.
One of the reasons your wife talks about her boyfriend (and what it really means for your marriage) is, in some cases, that she wants a divorce.
Talking about her ex is her way of basically telling you that you’re not good enough and she doesn’t want you anymore.
Unlike the first few points where I talk about game playing and provoking, this is dead serious.
She wants out of the relationship and she’s not making it easy, either.
She’s talking about her ex to make it clear that she no longer has any boundaries and wants to be done with you. She also might miss her ex.
5) She’s trying to pressure you
Another one of the reasons your wife talks about her boyfriend can be that she’s trying to pressure you.
The logic here is clear:
She was with a guy she liked in the past and he had various pleasing or displeasing characteristics and behaviors.
She’s now talking about them as an obvious parallel with you.
For example, she may talk about her ex-boyfriend and how he was so messy at cleaning up around their apartment.
Hint: stop being so messy or you’ll soon be an ex.
On the positive side, she may talk about her ex-boyfriend and how he was such an attentive partner in bed.
Hint: you’re not good enough in bed and she’s getting bored.
This is far from subtle, and it’s normal for you to feel a bit ticked off if your wife is doing this.
Why is she trying to compare and contrast you with an ex who’s no longer in her life? Even if she’s doing it in a “nice” way, it will tend to create some pressure and awkward expectations.
At this point you may quickly start feeling lost and confused.
I strongly recommend checking out the shaman Rudá Iandê’s Out of the Box course for a deeper dive on love, intimacy and how it relates to your personal power.
On the other hand, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.
With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life and your experiences…
Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations, like partners openly talking about their part past romances. They’re a very popular resource for people facing this sort of challenge.
I’ve done it myself in the past and had some very insightful readings.
How do I know?
Well, I reached out to them a few months ago when I was going through a tough patch in my own relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
6) She wants to cheat on you
Another one of the top reasons your wife talks about her boyfriend is that she wants to cheat on you.
Some people are more impulsive than others.
But many cheaters actually show various signs of their infidelity long before they ever do the deed.
They sext…
They make fantasizing comments that seem a bit bizarre…
They hit on people they find attractive, even in front of their partners…
And so on.
That’s why sometimes it’s important to keep in mind that your wife’s comments about her ex boyfriend could be more than just talk or game playing.
They could be part of her blueprint to cheat.
Maybe with him, maybe with someone else.
But cheating sounds like it’s on her mind.
7) The spark is almost dead
In many cases, one of the reasons your wife talks about her boyfriend is that she’s feeling like the spark is gone.
This can be on multiple levels:
- Physical
- Emotional
- Conversational
- Even spiritual…
She’s just not feeling it anymore, and she’s bringing up an ex to let you know that things are not working out for her.
When this happens, it can be difficult to stay in the relationship.
But rather than letting things get to this point, take action before it’s too late to save your marriage.
I mentioned Brad Browning earlier – he’s widely regarded as one of the top experts in saving marriages.
In this simple yet genuine video, you’ll learn some valuable tips on what to do to improve your relationship and salvage the love and commitment you once shared.
8) She’s angry at you
Another one of the top reasons your wife talks about her boyfriend is that she’s angry at you.
Sometimes it’s less about her wanting to piss you off as it is about her already being very ticked off.
Maybe it’s her own issue, maybe you’re to blame.
Or maybe it’s a mix of both.
The point is:
She’s bringing up her ex because she wants to get your goat.
Something has angered her and she’s lashing out in a juvenile and hurtful way, hoping to land a hit in return.
This is pretty desperate behavior, and if she’s doing this then you have to ask yourself what’s prompting this kind of outburst.
Even if you’ve done something wrong, you deserve better than to have your wife throw the memory of an ex in your face out of impulsive anger.
9) Your wife is worried you’re not her soulmate
Another one of the top reasons your wife talks about her boyfriend is that she’s worried you’re not actually her soulmate.
Marriage has a way of breaking down romantic ideals of love.
The nitty gritty of daily life often replaces the initial stars you both had in your eyes, and now your wife is worried she made a mistake in joining her life with hers.
The truth is that high expectations and idealism can cripple a relationship just as much as fear and doubt.
In order to make marriage work and become your full potential, it’s necessary to embrace all of the “good” and “bad” of life in a dynamic and mature way.
In the Out of the Box workshop, Rudá Iandê teaches us how to embrace fear and doubt and make it into our superpower.
This will be key to learning how to move past an overly idealized version of love that you’re clinging to or that your wife is clinging to.
In the end you have to break out of that, or she does.
And understanding why will help you out a lot in knowing whether this marriage still has juice in it.
10) She’s trying to make you jealous
Another one of the common reasons your wife talks about her boyfriend is that she’s trying to make you jealous.
This is a form of game playing which I mentioned in point one, but it’s more specific.
She wants to specifically see if she can make you get jealous and chase her.
She’s basically testing your sense of confidence and security, and giving you lurid details of her past relationships to see if it will throw you off kilter and make you become weird and possessive.
If you don’t care at all, she may accuse you of being passive.
If you care too much, she may accuse you of being possessive and jealous.
It’s really a Catch 22, and nothing good can come of it.
11) She feels an emotional void
Another one of the more disturbing reasons your wife talks about her boyfriend is that she might be feeling an emotional void.
This could be her own mental health or spiritual struggles, but it can also be something involving you if she’s just not feeling that you two are connecting.
This ex is someone who was once dear to her, and she’s bringing him up as a character foil.
This is basically your wife sounding the alarm and letting you know that she feels distant from you and unsatisfied.
It’s an awful way of doing it, but she’s either petulant and cruel or she’s really at the end of her rope if it’s gotten to the point of her trying to stimulate your loving side by bringing up an ex.
12) She wants to go back to a younger age
There’s one thing that your wife’s ex boyfriend and you will never share:
The same period of your wife’s life.
Sometimes she’s fantasizing about those past times and talking about him because she’s basically lost in nostalgia.
If she’s mentioning old family and friends a lot more as well recently then this is often what it is.
None of us really love aging, and your wife may be taking a trip down memory lane as a way of easing some of the stress.
Does she really have to bring up her ex as part of her nostalgia tour?
Maybe not, but unless it’s getting excessive and X-rated, you can probably allow her a few idle mentions of Mr. Perfect Abs now and then, right?
13) She regrets marrying you
This one hurts:
Sometimes your wife talks about her ex because she regrets marrying you.
It’s not necessarily that she wants to cheat…
Or that she’s playing with your emotions…
It’s just that she’s overwhelmed with a feeling of regret about your marriage.
It can be that she wishes she hadn’t married you, but sometimes it may also be that she just feels bad about getting married at all.
Nobody would blame you for taking this pretty badly.
After all, marriage can be hard, but how are you supposed to feel if your spouse basically tells you that saying your vows together was a mistake?
14) She wants the greenlight to talk to her ex
Sometimes your wife talks about her ex because she wants the green light to talk to her ex.
What I’m saying here is that she’s bringing him up because she wants your permission to reestablish contact with him.
Either that, or she’s already talking to him and wants to appease her own conscience.
The best way to find out is to ask her why she’s suddenly talking about him so much.
She may not want to tell you, but in one way or another you have a right to ask this question and get a decent answer.
15) She’s urging you to treat her better
Another one of the reasons your wife talks about her boyfriend could be that she’s urging you to treat her better.
She may feel that you’ve stopped appreciating her enough or paying attention, and this is her way of letting you know that you should shift gears.
More love…
More connection and conversation.
Bringing up her ex is her way of basically reminding you of her value and reminding you that you aren’t the first man who’s wanted her heart.
She’s basically dropping a hint to you that you shouldn’t take the relationship for granted.
If you respond with anger, the relationship could definitely be over.
But if you can try out responding gracefully or with restraint and appreciation of her you might be surprised as things slowly turn around.
“If you’re willing to treat your wife like she’s special, you might be surprised how those actions shape your attitude toward her, not to mention her attitude toward you.”
Remember one crucial thing…
You can’t read your wife’s mind or know with 100% certainty why she’s saying what she’s saying.
That’s where trust comes in.
If she’s been talking a lot about her ex boyfriend then pay attention to details. Here are four questions to ask yourself in order to figure out how big of a deal this is.
1) How is your marriage doing right now?
Ask yourself about the current status of your marriage.
I don’t mean last month or last year, I mean right now this day and this week.
Have you and your wife been talking, joking, having sex, spending time together?
How have things been going with work, with your family and with your mental and physical health?
If you had to rate your marriage’s current health from 1 to 10, with 10 being the healthiest, what score would it get?
Don’t exaggerate on the bright side, but also don’t be too gloomy.
Go with your gut about how your marriage is doing right now.
If you have no idea, then it’s probably a sign that communication isn’t happening a lot in your marriage right now and you should check in.
2) Did anything particular happen recently?
If your wife has been talking about her ex boyfriend, that’s not a great sign.
But it comes in a certain context.
Did something happen (or fail to happen) recently that might have shaken her up a bit?
Did you forget your anniversary, or did she have a health scare?
It could even be a problem with your kids or issues with work…
Look at the context.
3) How serious was this ex-boyfriend?
Next up, is how serious this ex-boyfriend was. Was he a fling or a near husband?
Did they get really serious or was it more of a passing romance?
If you don’t know, you might as well ask her.
If the ex-boyfriend was someone very serious, then she’s probably not just joking around when she talks about him.
It sounds a lot more like love bubbling back up to the surface.
4) When and why does your wife talk about him?
Next up look at the context of when and why your wife mentions him.
If it’s totally random, look for a certain time when she tends to do so.
If it’s at random times, look for some underlying topic or issues that seem to happen close to her mentioning him.
This is basically you being a marriage detective.
Because sometimes she doesn’t want to talk about why she’s mentioning her ex, and other times she doesn’t even know herself, because it’s coming out of her subconscious!
Game over?
If your wife is talking about her boyfriend it’s not a good sign.
As I’ve discussed, it’s either her wanting out, her playing games or her genuinely preferring another guy than you.
None of this is what you want to hear.
On the one hand, this can be a chance to work through your relationship issues and see if you can still salvage your love.
On the other hand, it’s a worrying sign that usually signals a marriage on its way to the wrecking yard.
