7 reasons why you’re jealous and insecure in your relationship

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Are you feeling insecure and jealous in your relationship?

It doesn’t have to be like this. 

I’ve been in your shoes, so I know what it’s like to feel as though you’re in an endless loop of insecurity and jealousy.

But I’ve worked through these feelings by exploring the reasons behind the thoughts.

Read on to learn about 7 reasons that could be impacting you, and what you can do about them.

1) You might have esteem issues

First things first, self-esteem is something we all have to work on.

There are so many things that can happen to us throughout life that negatively affect our self-esteem.

It’s not as though we actively choose that we want to have low self-esteem; instead, our esteem gets impacted as life happens to us.

For example, things could have happened in your childhood that have impacted your self-esteem more than you ever know.

Maybe a teacher told you that you’d never amount to anything, and that you were the worst in the class.

Maybe a parent told you they were disappointed by you.

It could have been something that you’ve even forgotten happened to you… but it could still be affecting you today.

Now, you might be wondering what this has to do with why you’re insecure and jealous in a relationship.

Truth is, events that have happened to us have the potential to affect how we see ourselves.

You see, because a parent or teacher might have said you were good for nothing, you might feel like that in your relationship. 

There’s a chance you could be carrying this negative belief around with you, and it could be impacting your romantic relationships more than you realize!

So you need to take some time to get to the root cause to unpick this thought. In this case, speaking to a professional is a great idea!

2) You have unrealistic expectations

Another reason you’re feeling jealous or insecure in your relationship could be because you have unrealistic expectations about the relationship.

As in, you may be expecting things from your partner that you believe you should have in a romantic relationship… 

…But it’s not really the case.

I have a personal experience with this.

You see, I used to feel jealous and insecure in my relationship when my boyfriend would spend time with his female friends. 

In my books, I thought he didn’t need to have any female friends because he had me…

…So when he would spend time with them, I’d automatically feel jealous and wonder why he felt the need to hang out with them.

Although he was doing nothing wrong other than seeing some of his good friends that cared about, I would feel jealous about him spending time with them.

I wondered what value they added to his life that I didn’t add. I wondered what they talked about and why he even wanted to spend time with them.

You see, I was feeling this jealousy because of my unrealistic expectations.

My expectation was that he should have no female friends…

…But it’s unrealistic and not necessary, and there’s no problem with having friends of the opposite sex!

What does this mean for you?

Think about whether you’re setting unrealistic expectations in your relationship, and reflect on how they might be negatively impacting how you show up in the relationship.

Remember that you have the choice to change anything about it!

3) You’re comparing yourself to others, including their ex

Now, no one has ever said comparison is a good thing… Because it’s not!

Comparing yourself to anyone – whether your parents when they were your age, your siblings, friends or other people in relationships – is never going to end well.

Worse of all, if you’re in a relationship with someone, the last person you want to compare yourself to is their ex.

I’ll admit it: I’ve done it before!

We live in a society that makes so much money from the fact we compare ourselves and don’t feel good enough.

Given this fact, there’s a chance that the reason you’re feeling jealous and insecure in your relationship is because you’re comparing yourself to others.

And there’s a chance it could be the last person they dated.

It takes a lot of self-reflection to think about whether you’re doing this or not…

…So be honest and ask yourself: 

Are you comparing yourself with anyone? Is that person an ex of your current partner?

Now, as I say, I’ve been guilty of this.

It’s so hard not to look someone up! 

In my experience, I always find myself in the depths of Instagram finding photos of people my partner used to have a thing with.

Then…I find myself thinking: oh no, were they prettier, smarter, more talented, more articulate than me?

I end up spiraling into such negativity when I allow comparison to creep in.

But, the truth is, we can get in control of this and not allow it to happen!

Remember that you can set a boundary yourself and stick to it. Just decide not to look someone up because you know how it negatively impacts you.

Before you go to type their name in, pause and think about how you felt last time and don’t do it!

Chances are, you’ll reduce the feelings of jealousy and insecurity you’re experiencing in your relationship…

…And you’ll feel more present in your relationship as it is.

4) You don’t know what your values are

Now, you might be wondering what your values have to do with feeling jealous and insecure in a relationship

…But the answer is: a lot!

Knowing your values gives you a strong sense of self and more meaning!

It helps you feel good about yourself and who you are. 

You see, not feeling good about yourself is a root to feeling insecure.

It comes back to the low self-esteem that I spoke about earlier. 

Simply put, it’s essential that you have a strong relationship with yourself and you have a positive idea of who you are. 

If you commit to working on yourself, it will most definitely help you reduce feeling insecure in your relationship.

As you feel better about you, the relationships around you feel better too!

In my experience, coming back to my values always makes me feel empowered in times when I’m feeling insecure and jealous. 

So, the question is: do you know what your core values are?

Don’t worry if you don’t:

This free checklist by Jeanette Brown will help you get clarity about what yours are.

It could be traits like being compassionate and caring; it could be spirituality; it could be honesty and loyalty…

…There are so many values that could resonate with you!

The best bit?

There are no limits for how many values you can hold, and you can revise your list over and over if you feel like something doesn’t click with you anymore. 

It’s natural that values adapt as we grow and evolve!

For instance, spirituality is now one of my most important values when it used to be something I was just interested in.

Now, it drives all of my decisions. 

In other words, I make decisions that support my goal of spiritual growth, rather than decisions that could damage it.

So what should you do?

Start by taking some time to look at the checklist and consider printing it out!

Keep it somewhere that you can see it – like on your bedside table – and return to it time and time again if you need to!

If it gets out of date, print another one off and do it all over again!

5) You have a fear of being alone

Ah, fear.

Fear affects us more than we realize!

I like to call fear: false evidence appearing real.

Thing is, there’s no evidence that the things we’re fearful of are actually going to happen…

…So, in other words, fear causes us to project imaginary situations!

But our bodies don’t know the difference, so we experience fear as though it’s actually happening in real life. This might mean that we feel our heart rates go up and our breathing shorten!

Fear can really affect our physiology! 

Now, one common fear that many of us have is the fear of being alone.

We might fear that we’ll end up alone in the world, and miserable without a life partner to share moments with.

But again this is: false evidence appearing real.

Nevertheless, this fear can make us feel like we need to hold on to the relationship we have in front of us…

…It can make us feel possessive and jealous, and as though we can’t let anything ruin it or anyone else get between us!

I’ve definitely had this fear of being alone, and it’s affected how I’ve shown up in my relationship.

I used to be really fearful about one day ending up alone and surrounded by cats, so I would be incredibly possessive with my boyfriend.

I felt like I needed to know who he was with and what he was doing, and I expected him to call me a lot more than was necessary just so I didn’t feel anxious.

It caused me to need constant reassurance and I can tell you it was not healthy!

So, if you’re feeling jealous and insecure, have a think about whether it could be because you’re driven by a fear.

If this is how you’re feeling, take some time to journal your thoughts to get to the root cause.

I personally find journaling to be so helpful in helping me get clarity about the emotions behind behaviors.

6) Your past relationships are affecting you

Odds are, the more people you date, the higher the chance that you’ve dated someone who’s been a little bit toxic.

Or maybe very toxic!

As a result, a valid reason you’ve been feeling insecure and jealous in your relationship might be because of their behavior.

Maybe someone treated you in a way that was less than acceptable – they could have spoken to you in disrespectful ways and even cheated on you.

Now, if you have been cheated on in the past then first of all, it’s important to remember that it’s not your fault that it happened.

You didn’t deserve to be cheated on; no one deserves to be cheated on.

It’s little surprise that you will be feeling insecure and jealous in your current relationship if this is something you’ve experienced…

…So cut yourself some slack if this is you.

But, equally, remember that this doesn’t need to be an anxiety you carry with you forever and it doesn’t need to define all of your relationships.

In other words, you have a choice to draw a line under this past experience and to be present with your current relationship.

It’s easier said than done, so I suggest a few things:

  • Speak to a professional
  • Journal your thoughts
  • Tell your partner about what you’re experiencing

All of these steps are positive actions that you can take to move forward with your life.

Truth is, people will be more understanding than you imagine and you’ll likely be able to find masses of relief from getting things off your chest.

What’s more, if you’re with the right partner then they’ll be understanding and able to reassure you that this won’t happen to you again.

It will also allow them to understand you more, and to behave in a way that can reassure and soothe you.

Remember, again, what happened to you in your past does not define you!

7) You don’t challenge your thoughts

We have so many thousands of thoughts a day…

… Some of our thoughts can be driven by fear and irrational, some can be totally inspired and some can be really negative.

But here’s the thing:

…Not all of these thoughts are real!

We have to take it upon ourselves to filter our thoughts if we want to have mind mastery… And to not have to deal with thoughts like jealousy and insecurity, which might show up in our relationships and in different areas of our lives. 

So, how do we do this?

Mindfulness is a great tool that allows us to sit with our thoughts, sift through them and to challenge them.

There are loads of ways you can go about bringing mindfulness to each and every day:

A favorite of mine includes journaling first thing in the morning and filling up pages with all of your thoughts.

I can sometimes fill up five pages with my inner thoughts!

As if that’s not enough, I like to meditate where I allow myself to think without judgment for about 20 minutes.

Then I challenge where they’re coming from and if they’re real! 

I sit in silence and allow the thoughts to come in. I observe all of the different thoughts I have, which can include feeling jealous in my relationship, then I take a second to question if they’re real or not.

I recommend buying a journal you can keep nearby all of the time to help you get to the bottom of different thoughts you have!

Trust me, it will help you unravel emotions such as insecurities and to see where they’re coming from and if they have any place in your life!

Pearl Nash

Pearl Nash has years of experience writing relationship articles for single females looking for love. After being single for years with no hope of meeting Mr. Right, she finally managed to get married to the love of her life. Now that she’s settled down and happier than she’s ever been in her life, she's passionate about sharing all the wisdom she's learned over the journey. Pearl is also an accredited astrologer and publishes Hack Spirit's daily horoscope.

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