Are you worried that your partner just isn’t attracted to you anymore?
Maybe you’re scared that it will spell the end of the relationship if you can’t keep those sparks of passion alive.
Well, the good news is that you shouldn’t worry if your partner isn’t attracted to you anymore.
5 reasons not to worry if your partner isn’t attracted to you anymore
1) It’s pretty common
Is it normal to not be attracted to your partner anymore?
Yes, it is.
A loss of attraction within a relationship happens to far more couples than you probably think.
In fact, it’s a very common occurrence. Why?
Part of the reason comes from an unfortunate side effect of human psychology.
One of the elements that make up the attraction and desire that we feel for someone actually comes from novelty.
We find “newness” thrilling.
Psychotherapist Esther Perel argues that one of the difficulties long-term relationships can face is that they start to feel safe and secure.
Whilst that strengthens the foundations of a relationship in many ways, in other ways it can kill the sparks of passion.
In short, love hinges on closeness, but desire thrives on distance.
As she notes:
“Desire is rooted in absence and longing. And the experience of “not having” increases our “wanting.”…It’s so easy to grow frustrated with each other when we’re constantly in each others’ spaces, making every decision together, going through the motions of a long life together. ”
When confronted with the less than thrilling realities of daily life with your partner, it can impact attraction.
The reality is that a lot of the little intricacies of a real relationship aren’t very sexy.
Sitting on the sofa in sweatpants eating pizza, becoming all too familiar with one another’s bathroom habits, or bickering over whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher.
Relationships aren’t always a breeding ground for sparks of desire. So it’s no wonder that it can fade.
2) Relationships go through dry spells
Sexual dry spells in long-term relationships are a dime a dozen.
And most couples who have been together for quite a while usually find that the frequency of sex declines.
This is always most noticeable when first leaving the honeymoon stage. But it will come and go throughout a relationship.
Stress, being busy, being tired, a change in libido, and countless other factors can all come together to contribute to a reduction in physical intimacy between couples.
But importantly, a dry spell in sex doesn’t automatically mean a total loss of attraction.
Whilst it’s easy to take it personally, it’s best not to jump to conclusions. Because in most cases, a lack of action in the bedroom isn’t because of a lack of attraction for your other half.
As psychologist and sex therapist Shannon Chavez told The Huffington Post, it can be a difficult topic to navigate, and so instead, we avoid talking about it.
“Couples rarely communicate about these changes and instead make assumptions about what a partner should intuit without having to be vulnerable by sharing inner thoughts and feelings. We have to be open to ebbs and flows in sexual desire and normalize it so dry spells aren’t so taboo.”
3) Your partner’s own moods and stress levels play a part
If we feel like our partner isn’t attracted to us anymore, we can very quickly internalize that. It’s understandable.
You might question yourself, the way you look, your body shape, or other things about you. It feels very personal.
And that’s because we often think that attraction comes from something about the other person — and is triggered outside of us — but that’s not the case.
The truth is that so much of what fuels our attraction toward someone actually happens on the inside.
What we find attractive comes from our own desires, beliefs, thoughts, preferences, and feelings.
And all of these things are prone to change, depending upon what else is going on right now in life.
What I mean is that how your partner feels about him or herself, their life, their hormones, their moods, and their stress levels will all deeply impact how they feel about you too.
If your partner isn’t feeling very attractive themself right now, they may struggle to feel that way towards you too.
4) Attraction is multifaceted
Attraction isn’t so straightforward. It is made up of a complex mix of elements. And physical attractiveness is only one part.
There are obviously certain people who many agree are attractive. But even if someone is good-looking, it certainly doesn’t follow that we will feel attracted to them.
So what makes us feel attracted to certain people?
According to researchers, the initial attraction you may feel towards someone can depend on some perhaps surprising factors:
- Proximity — how often you see each other and how close you are to someone
- Similarity—how alike they feel to you, and whether you share the same sorts of interests, hobbies and values
- Reciprocity—Whether we feel that they are attentive towards us and like us back
- Physical attractiveness— If we feel that they are appealing physically to us
- Familiarity — The more comfortable we feel around someone and the more familiar they seem the more attracted we feel
It could be that certain elements of what created attraction between you and your partner have suffered recently.
Identifying where the divide could be coming from will help you to fix the problem and bring back those sparks.
But the reality is that plenty of attraction comes from emotional connection, time spent together, and the amount of effort you make towards one another — and not necessarily from how you look.
5) There are things you can do to bring attraction back into your relationship
One of the most overwhelming reasons not to worry if your partner has lost attraction is that you certainly aren’t powerless to change it.
Rather than be a victim of the circumstances, you can be proactive in bringing back that spark.
The fact that they were attracted to you once proves that they can feel this way again.
You just need to figure out what is effective their attraction to you now and then work to address that issue.
Some very common relationship issues that aren’t addressed can lead to attraction slipping.
- Resentment — holding onto frustrations, irritation and anger within a relationship. When we feel negatively about someone, we start to see them differently.
- A lack of quality time — Remember that the research above highlighted how often we see someone and how familiar they feel to us creates attraction. Quality time in a relationship is needed to nurture this.
- Poor communication — A breakdown in communication in a relationship often leads to a loss in emotional connection and intimacy. For many couples, this emotional bond is an essential part of feeling attraction to their partner.
- Boredom — Reason number one on our list explained how important novelty can be in keeping flames of passion burning. If you are stuck in a routine that starts to feel mundane, without even realizing it, the attraction can slowly fade.
- Loss of physical attraction – That physical chemistry can fluctuate throughout a relationship.
How to bring attraction back into a relationship
If you want to bring attraction back into the relationship, there are several ways to go about doing so.
1) Look for potential reasons why that spark might have gone
It all starts with trying to identify possible reasons why attraction could be wavering.
Go through areas of the relationship and ask if there are deeper problems.
Is there a lack of emotional intimacy? Do you feel a disconnect from your partner? Have you fallen into a rut?
You might not be totally sure what the main culprit is. And it’s often a combination of factors.
But this will encourage you to look at the overall health of your relationship and consider how it all plays a part.
2) Make changes to improve your relationship
Once you’ve identified the potential root cause of the problem, it’s time to take action.
Your own unique plan will obviously depend on the factors you think play the biggest part for you.
But that might include things like:
- Introducing novelty into your sex life to spice things up
- Creating some psychological distance to avoid feeling bored by your partner. Make sure that you are separate individuals who feel like you both have lives away from one another
- Making more of an effort with your physical appearance
- Go for date nights to spend quality time together and remind yourselves of why you fell in love in the first place
3) Get help when you need it
There’s absolutely zero shame in it. The truth is that we all need a helping hand to get our lives and relationships back on track from time to time.
Speaking to a professional can be really powerful in:
— Helping you identify the root of the problems you’re facing
— Knowing what to do next
When people are looking for relationship advice, I always recommend Relationship Hero.
Their expert advisors are unique as they don’t just listen, they signpost you in the right direction by offering specific advice about what to do now.
They can support you as you make changes and help you create a practical plan of action to get your relationship back to where it once was.
Click here to find out how you can speak to an expert right now for personal advice unique to your own relationship situation.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.