10 reasons she is being distant and avoiding me (and what to do)

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Something gives and you know it.

Things might have been going well for a while, but lately, things have changed.

She seems less responsive. She is playing it cool. She seems to be avoiding you or ignoring you completely. But why, and what should you do?

Dating is supposed to be fun, but let’s face it, sometimes it gets complicated. You might wonder whether or not you’re doing something wrong.

This article will give you the real reasons why she is cold towards you suddenly, and importantly, what to do about it.

Why is someone suddenly distant?

I promise you this:

I’m going to give it to you straight in this article.


Because I’ve read far too many other articles on this topic that seem to me like they are telling you mainly what you want to hear.

Sugarcoating the issue and coming up with more pleasant-sounding excuses like:

“She likes you so much she’s overwhelmed by her undying love for you.”

Can this happen? Sure, anything is possible. But is it common? Nah, not really.

Whilst it might feel nicer to hear, it’s going to do very little in the long run to solve your problem. And deep down, no matter how much you wish it were true, I doubt you’re truly buying it.

Real friends tell the truth. So that’s what I’m going to do today. No fluffy excuses, just the most realistic reasons why girls actually pull away.

The good news is that it’s facing the truth that lets you make the changes that are going to fix the situation. Rather than staying in wishful thinking mode.

That’s how you can take charge of the situation and what’ll really help you get the girl. So let’s get started.

Why is she being distant and or avoiding me? 10 real reasons

1) She’s playing games

A lot of people still go by certain “unspoken rules” when it comes to dating.

Girls especially are told that they should play it cool and let you chase them if they want to get your attention.

It’s not helped by the reality that this can be the case for a certain type of guy. The players who are only in it for the chase and quickly lose interest often do pursue the women they see as more unattainable.

It then becomes this sort of power struggle over who can get the upper hand.

There is always going to be a bit of a dance around dating. We do have to navigate keeping our cool so that we don’t come on too strong.

Maybe she hasn’t felt like she’s been getting what she wants from you — specifically the attention she craves. She might not feel like things are progressing at the speed she wants.

So she’s pulling back because she wants you to come after her. She thinks that girls need to pull away to make a guy follow.

In reality, it’s kind of a passive-aggressive way to try and get what you want. It’s not the most emotionally mature of tactics to try.

But the truth is that saying how we feel can be incredibly vulnerable, and so we act out instead.

There are plenty of girls out there who do push men away in order to try and draw them closer.

2) She’s mad at you

Whilst we’re on the subject of passive-aggressive behavior, the silent treatment has to be one of the oldest tricks in the book.

Why is she being mean to me all of a sudden? She could be trying to punish you.

If she is annoyed at you over something, you might think ‘well, why not just say something about it?’

As logical as that sounds on paper, when it comes to matters of the heart it’s not always so easy.

I’ve lost count of how many guys I’ve professed that there is “absolutely nothing wrong” to, whilst being silently seething.

I’m not proud of it. It’s far better to confront whatever is bothering you. But some of us don’t work that way.

We pull back when we’re feeling hurt or vulnerable. We push someone away when we’re angry at them.

If she’s mad at you but doesn’t feel like she can express that directly to you, then that anger has to go somewhere. It might be coming out through her being distant and avoiding you.

3) She’s just not that into you

Sadly, the dating world is littered with failed romances because one person was ultimately not interested enough to take things further.

Attraction is an incredibly complicated thing. It’s based on so many factors that all come together and make us really want somebody, or just feel kind of lukewarm about them.

Her interest in you might have simply begun to fade. Her feelings haven’t progressed, and so her attention starts to drift.

She gets bored. As it does, it feels as though she is moving away from you.

Even though we think that you’re either into someone or you aren’t, the reality is more nuanced than that.

You can like someone a bit, but still not have become truly attached. You can like someone to start with and then change your mind.

The silver lining is that because feelings aren’t simple, even if she has started to lose interest, that doesn’t mean she can’t change her mind back again.

We’ll discuss later how you can re-spark that interest.

4) She is confused about her feelings

Because feelings are so complicated, they can be overwhelming at times.

Sometimes we don’t know how we feel. Or we get flooded with emotions that take us by surprise.

It can be the case that we occasionally freak out about how we feel.

We’re confused by conflicting emotions, and we feel the need to take a step back to figure out what is going on in our heads.

If this is the case then it’s likely to coincide with a time when you were getting much closer. Perhaps things were moving to the next level and it suddenly triggered fear in her.

Sometimes our heads and our heart also can’t agree. If she is anyway conflicted about whether it’s a good idea to be with you, then she might seek some space.

5) You’re coming on too strong for her

It’s an obvious point, but not all girls are the same.

There can be a stereotype that we love to be treated like Princesses and showered with affection and attention 24-7.

Sure, some women do want that, but plenty of others don’t.

Personally, I really value my independence and will instantly back off from a guy who I feel is threatening that. I need some space. If I don’t feel like I’m getting it, it seriously puts me off.

But the psychology behind it goes deeper than that:

If I feel like a guy is coming on too strong it’s a massive turn-off because, on some level, I feel like he needs me to validate him. And that ain’t sexy.

I want him to have his own life and interests going on. I don’t want to feel like the center of his world.

It’s almost as though his status decreases if I feel like he’s being needy or coming on too strong

6) She’s not truly over her ex

I once spent 5 years getting over a breakup with someone I really loved and was really hurt by.

The men I met during that time, no matter how great, never really stood a chance.

Even though I had dates, short-term flings, and got involved on the surface — deep down I wasn’t ready to put my heart on the line again.

So eventually I’d find a way to remove myself from the situation.

It’s hard to move on and make room for someone new if she is living with the ghost of her ex, has unresolved feelings for him, and has some emotional baggage that needs unpacking.

7) She’s got other things going on

I’m a big believer in trusting your gut. But we also need to recognize sometimes our “gut feeling” isn’t intuition at all, it’s actually paranoia.

Is there a chance you’re misreading the situation?

Is she definitely stepping back from you, or could something else be going on?

How do you tell if a girl is distancing herself?

Well, it has to be more than she didn’t reply yet to the text you sent a couple of hours ago.

Love and romance are hella vulnerable and so hella scary. That means our protective minds can quickly jump to totally fabricated stories.

But the worst-case scenarios we’ve conjured up aren’t always what we think.

As the center of our own world, we often forget that we aren’t necessarily the center of everyone else’s — and that ain’t a bad thing.

If you haven’t heard from her in a day or two, she could just be busy. She might be stressed and have other things to deal with.

There are actually plenty of practical and reasonable reasons why a girl might seemingly go a little bit AWOL without it meaning she is avoiding you

8) You’re her back up

If we’re brutally honest, most of us have probably had a few backups littered throughout our romantic history.

These are the emotional security blankets we cling to when we are feeling lonely, bored, or in need of an ego boost.

It sounds so ugly because it actually kind of is. It’s essentially using someone. But our motives aren’t usually quite as cruel as it sounds.

We all want love and we all have our insecurities. A backup can help us feel better.

What does it mean when a girl is hot and cold? It could mean you are a backup.

When she needs you, it seems like she’s interested. But when she doesn’t she disappears again.

9) There’s someone else on the scene

Dating has become a very competitive sport.

There are plenty of apps and websites where singles can meet each other on demand. People spend way longer shopping around before they are committed to buying.

It could be that you have some competition. She may have a secret crush on someone else. There might be someone else who is giving her more attention.

If you aren’t exclusive then it is safe to assume that someone we are dating, might also be dating other people too. Or at the very least, still chatting to other people.

10) She doesn’t think you’re into her

At some stage, all of us get tired of waiting around.

I’ve found myself a few times in situations where I’m questioning “is something actually going on here or not?”

If she feels like you haven’t been showing enough interest, at some stage, she’s going to have had enough.

She might feel like she’s wasting her time, that you’re never going to ask her out. She might not know whether you are really into her.

Frustration could have led her to a point where she has said to herself, it’s time to step away.

If you have been the one who has come across as hot and cold, she could be fed up. Maybe you text her sporadically. Maybe you chat occasionally, but you haven’t made a move.

My friend calls guys who act like these “fruit flies”. They just buzz around the sugar. But after a while it just gets annoying.

What to do when she is being distant and or avoiding you

1) Don’t chase her

It’s just as much about what NOT to do as it is about what to do.

If a girl thinks you’re going to run around after her, she loses respect for you, so you want to make sure you’re not chasing her and becoming her lap dog.

Having said that, totally ignoring her when she goes cold can backfire, especially if you’re both stubborn.

9 times out of 10, if she started it first, she probably is going to come running back when she sees it hasn’t worked.

But the key is not to go totally cold on her, just make sure you don’t chase her.

Instead, leave the ball in her court. Give her as much or as little attention as she shows you. If she hasn’t replied to your last message, don’t send another one.

If she wants you, she knows where you are.

This shows you are a high-value guy, you’re not desperate and so you don’t need to chase.

2) Let your confidence do the hard work

It’s not looks.

It’s not money.

It’s not status.

The biggest factor when it comes to attraction is confidence. I learned this from relationship expert Kate Spring. And she is so right.

Confidence sparks something deep inside us women that set off instant attraction.

If you want to boost your confidence around women, check out Kate’s excellent free video here.

Watching Kate’s videos has been a game-changer for so many guys struggling to get dates and not knowing why, or who are stuck in a relationship that just isn’t working.

Confidence is like the magic filter that instantly makes you seem ten times more desirable. But I know it’s not so easy to navigate.

That’s why I’d recommend Kate’s free video to show you how.

Here’s a link to Kate’s free video again.

3) Don’t friendzone yourself

She will never really value you if she thinks you’re still there endlessly waiting around for her.

A lot of guys think that agreeing to be friends gives them more chance of her changing her mind, and eventually falling for them. But sadly, it doesn’t work like this. More times than not they just get stuck in the friendzone.

If you are happy to be friends, ok, cool. But if deep down you’re attracted to this girl, why put yourself through that?

If she says she just wants to be friends, don’t be afraid to tell her that’s not what you’re looking for.

Being clear about what you want shows that you are confident and in command of your own life. You don’t settle for less than you want or deserve — and that’s sexy.

Sealing the deal

I could sum up this article with fluffy and noble advice. Telling you to move on,  know your worth, and find someone else.

But I promised you the truth, and the truth is that if you really want this girl, then you have to learn how to play the game.

Luckily it’s not as cold and calculated as it sounds. It’s more about recognizing that love isn’t always fair.

This all relates back to the incredible wisdom I learned from Kate Spring.

She’s transformed dating and relationships for thousands of men by getting real. One of the truest things she says is this:

Women don’t choose the guy who will treat them the best. They choose guys they are deeply attracted to at a biological level.

As a woman, I really wish this wasn’t true (it would have probably saved me plenty of heartaches) but unfortunately it is spot on.

Women don’t like assholes because they’re assholes. They like assholes because those guys are confident and they give off the right signals to them. The sort of signals a woman can’t resist.

The good news is that you can quickly learn the right signals to give to women—and you absolutely don’t need to become an asshole in the process (phew).

Check out this free video by Kate Spring.

She reveals the most effective method I’ve come across to make women obsessed with you (whilst remaining a good guy).

Pearl Nash

Pearl Nash has years of experience writing relationship articles for single females looking for love. After being single for years with no hope of meeting Mr. Right, she finally managed to get married to the love of her life. Now that she’s settled down and happier than she’s ever been in her life, she's passionate about sharing all the wisdom she's learned over the journey. Pearl is also an accredited astrologer and publishes Hack Spirit's daily horoscope.

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