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Where are all the good men? 19 reasons it’s so hard to find a good man

“Where are all the good men?”

Are you asking yourself this question?

Perhaps every guy you’ve ever dated recently feels a little… off.

Sure, the dates weren’t half bad and some of your relationships were pleasant, if not enjoyable.

But you just get this gnawing feeling that you could do better, that a part of you was settling in some way.

The men you have dated were either too casual, too intimidated by you, or not charming enough.

In the back of your mind you know you deserve a little bit better than what you’ve been getting so you’re here wondering:

Where are all the good men and why are they so hard to find?

Here are 19 reasons why you’re finding it so hard to meet a good man. After that, we’ll give you 7 ideas to help you find one.

1) Hookup Culture Makes It Difficult To Date

Thanks to dating apps, casual dating has become the new standard for modern dating.

Gone are the days when you had to actually go through dating to get laid.

Dating apps taught men that they can easily skip to dessert with just one swipe, so why bother going through the entire dinner?

Long-term relationships are a thing of the past and people, including women, are leaning towards quick hook ups.

Semblances of intimacy and deep connection are easier to achieve with almost everyone you meet, so much so that real connection born from long-term bonding and relationship building feels like a chore.

Hooking up with people also lends a sense of partnership and belonging.

Because you can easily feel good with the next person, men aren’t really driven to try as hard anymore.

You don’t have to do the things that make you a good boyfriend because chances are you’ll get the benefits of being in a relationship without actually being in one.

2) You’re Using The Wrong Dating App

Although dating apps have come to define modern dating, it’s true that not all apps are created equally.

Some apps like Tinder are driven by quantity more than quality.

People can get away with half-hearted bios and engagements are driven by good-looking photos more than anything else.

It’s not that app dating is wrong, it’s just that app dating is so accessible that any man off the street can sign up and make an account.

And when an app is accessible to anyone, guys from 1 to 10 will be flocking to that app.

It’s likelier that the 1 guys will be there more often than the 10 guys.

If you want to rise above the sea of low-quality men, it’s worth looking into dating apps that hold higher standards for its user base.

Things like having a complete biography or a more engaging and interactive user experience that actively incentivizes interactions are both key features to look for in a dating app.

3) Some Men Are Intimidated By Strong Women

If you’re particularly headstrong, confident, and independent, chances are you’re having a harder time dating than some of your more “agreeable” female friends.

Despite the new wave of female empowerment, some men just can’t grow out of their hero complex and are stuck idealizing The Perfect Female.

It’s really less about you and more about his insecurities.

Some men still have an internal voice telling them they should drive the relationship forward financially and emotionally.

When men feel needed, their hero complex gets triggered.

This feeling of being needed, of being stronger, of being superior is what most men look for in a relationship.

If he feels you’ve got it all together, he might feel a little lost in the relationship.

Without traditional roles, men who aren’t used to dating strong women might have a hard time defining their place and would rather trot off to find the next damsel in distress.

4) The “Man-Child” Phenomenon

Have you ever met a grown adult male that feels more like a child than a man?

Someone whose friend circle is still limited to his beer pong and smoking days, whose hobbies seem to be exclusively limited to doing pranks and binge drinking.

Sadly, more and more men are refusing to grow up and are unknowingly turning into man-children.

By definition, a man-child is a guy who absolutely refuses to take on any responsibilities or mature emotionally.

He feels adolescent in a lot of ways — from the way he talks down to the way he carries himself in public.

The man-child doesn’t always live in his parents’ basement; some man-childs are successful businessmen.

Man-child are men with weird hang-ups, most of which you’d expect he’d grown out of at this point.

If you’re constantly justifying his poor decisions (like being late to your dates) or walking on eggshells about commitment (unless you want him to run for the hills), there’s no doubt that you’re seeing a man child.

5) People Have Emotional Baggages

Because of hookup and app dating culture, it’s easy to burn through a long list of partners really quickly.

On the upside, you meet a lot of people and take on new experiences in a short period of time compared to pre-app dating times.

Unfortunately this also means we’re exposed to more heartache now more than ever.

When casual dating turns from fun to exhausting, people become desensitized when it comes to relationships.

It’s not that good men don’t exist, it’s just that they’re a little tired.

Jumping from one breakup to another can disillusion anyone, making it seem like the Earth is just a cold, lonely globe.

Lugging that emotional baggage around can keep people from truly connecting and opening themselves up to new experiences.

A man who was once an amazing partner might be more reserved and unable to show his true colors precisely because he’s no longer prepared to get into something more serious.

6) Being A “Commitmentphobe” Is Normal

Why get into a relationship when you can get all the perks without any of the work?

On top of how easy it is to get these relationship benefits, casual dating culture has normalized serial hookups.

Long-term relationships seem like a distant memory, taken on only by the brave or the weary.

Remember when people got into relationships and strived to build a strong foundation for marriage?

Nowadays, being afraid of commitment is perfectly normal, if not celebrated.

The rise of polygamy and non-traditional relationship roles have changed the way modern society views relationships and commitments.

On top of that, adages like “you deserve better” and “treat yourself” have become so ingrained in the modern psyche that we’re programmed not to commit to anything but perfection, regardless of how unreasonable it is.

7) You’re Failing to Understand What Drives Men

If you want to find a good man then you need to grasp what men want from a relationship with you.

And new research is showing that men are driven by biological instincts in their relationships more than was previously realized.

In particular, men want to provide for and protect you. This drive is deeply rooted in their biology.

Since humans first evolved, men have wanted to stand up for the woman in their lives.

Even in this day and age, men still want to do this. Of course you may not need him too, but this doesn’t mean that men don’t want to be there for you. It’s encoded in their DNA to do so.

If you can make your guy feel essential, it unleashes his protective instincts and the most noble aspect of his masculinity. Most importantly, it will unleash his deep feelings of attraction.

And the kicker?

A man won’t fall for a woman when this thirst isn’t satisfied.

I think this biological explanation of what men really want is a fascinating take on what drives men romantically.

I first learned about this biological instinct through relationship psychologist James Bauer.

It’s no secret that instincts drive human behavior but James was the first one to extrapolate this to relationships between men and women.

Click here to watch a free video by James Bauer.

He reveals one particular biological instinct in men that few women are aware of. I think that understanding it could be a game changer for your relationship.

Here’s a link to the video again.

8) You’re Too Easy To Get

All men like a little bit of a chase.

But because of casual dating sensibilities, we’ve created this paradox wherein men only want to chase specific types of women.

You can be hard to get and independent but not to the point that he’ll feel unwanted and insignificant.

Alternatively, if you’re easy to get, you’re not giving him the chance to prove himself and make him feel like he “earned” it.

Guy brains can revert to the primal days in that they enjoy the hunt and the mating process.

Even just the illusion of being hard to get and working for it is enough to keep a man coming back for more.

Things that feel “normal” like replying to his messages promptly or saying yes when he invites you to take you out might be too much in this affection-saturated world.

9) People Tend To Hold Out For The “Best”

Social media culture can make it seem like The Next Best Girl is just one click away.

Because of posts, likes, and engagements, it’s challenging to get a real conversation going.

What ends up happening is that people judge dating candidates based on what’s on their social media profiles before giving them the opportunity to get to know each other in person.

Your persona on social media is now enough of a representation of who you are and what you could offer as a partner.

Because of this, evaluating a potential partner is as easy as clicking the next profile.

If people don’t like what they see, they’re convinced who you are online is exactly who you are in person, so they set out to look for the amazing profile with more fun and adventurous travel pictures.

10) Good Men Are Already In A Relationship

Remember what we said about the 10/10 guys being somewhere else?

They’re closer than you think but it just so happens that they’re already in committed relationships.

Let’s face it: modern dating is extremely competitive.

With too many man-children popping up, finding a good man is like finding a needle in a haystack.

They are in short supply and will likely only go for women who are closer to perfect.

If you’re anything less than what they want (they know their worth after all), you might not even have the chance to say hi. It’s just the law of supply and demand at work.

Is It Them, Or Is It You?

It may feel like good men simply don’t exist anymore, but what you feel and the reality around you might not be the same thing.

The problem could be with you rather than the men around you. For example…

11) You Might Not Be Looking for the Same Kind of Love

There are different kinds of love out there, and we all see and approach these types of love differently.

Some people are in it for lust, others are in it for attraction attachment, and we often find ourselves clashing against those who want a different kind of love.

Even if you find man who marks all your boxes, he won’t truly feel compatible with you if he’s looking for a different type of love from what you’re looking for.

Psychologist Helen Fisher describes three types of love in her book, Why We Love:

Lust: Motivated by sexual desire

Attraction: Motivated by appeal, allure, and the desire to find and settle with a partner

Attachment: Motivated by the need for security, safety, feelings of bonding, and duties to others

Our partner needs to have the same type of love in their sights; without that, we’ll never feel truly settled with them, and there will always be the longing for something else or something more.

12) You Don’t Know How To Lead Love

For so many women, there’s the feeling that the right man will just fall in your lap or walk by you one day and everything will be perfect.

But the truth is most men aren’t Prince Charmings waiting to find the woman to sweep off their feet.

Most men are equally clueless and awkward when it comes to dating and love, and your perfect man may be hiding behind a shy demeanor.

So it’s up to you to sometimes lead love.

Find the man who may not be the finished product, but is a diamond in the rough who simply needs to be led to the perfect relationship with you.

Learn how to be in charge, how to grab a potential relationship and turn it into the perfect one.

This step can be difficult for women who aren’t used to taking charge or taking the lead, but sometimes it’s a necessary one.

13) You Aren’t Ready To Negotiate Right

How many times have you dated a good man but found that for one reason or another, it just didn’t work out?

The more you try to find the perfect relationship, the more you set yourself up to fail, simply because any relationship that doesn’t seem like the ideal one in your head will immediately feel like a sinking ship, even if it isn’t.

For many of us, we self-sabotage our relationship when we subconsciously feel that it just won’t work out for whatever reason.

But any couple who’s been together for years and years will tell you one thing: a relationship requires negotiating on both sides.

You have to compromise with your partner again and again, simply because you are two different people with two different sets of wants and needs.

While you may be able to force your man to be exactly the person you want and to give you the exact relationship you want for a while, no one can keep up with being someone else for too long.

If you find yourself with a long history of “pretty good relationships” but never “amazing relationships”, then this might be your issue.

14) You’re Waiting For Your Perfect Man (Who Doesn’t Exist)

Like life in general, relationships are all about negotiating.

And learning how to negotiate with your potential partner is only the second most important part of setting yourself up for success.

The first most important part is learning how to negotiate with yourself.

And that means learning how to compromise with your own expectations.

Stop waiting for the perfect man you’ve been dreaming of since you were a young girl.

Maybe he won’t as tall, or as handsome, or as kind, or as successful as you’d like him to be. Maybe he doesn’t like all the movies or books you like (or maybe he doesn’t even read at all!).

But that perfect man could take another several years to come by, if he even exists at all.

Or your “perfect man” might not think you’re his “perfect woman”, and then you’re back at square one, looking for the one.

Love happens when you least expect it.

Don’t try to force yourself into a perfect kind of love with the perfect person, when you have someone who may already be almost perfect.

15) You’re Letting The Small Things Get In the Way

In all your years of looking for a good man and the relationship to last a lifetime, you might have turned into a bit of a diva.

Every small issue you don’t like has turned into a major red flag and talking point for you, and you shoot down men before they even get a real chance to show you who they are.

Maybe you don’t like the way he laughs, or the way he chews with his mouth open.

Maybe he’s a bit shorter than your 6’2” dreamboat, or maybe he’s got a bit of a beer belly.

There are things we all wish we could change about ourselves, from our physical appearance to our personality, and sometimes the exact thing we need is a person to show us love, trust, and acceptance.

In many ways, we create the relationship we deserve. If you can learn to let go of the small things, the small things might stop being there.

See your man for who he is, not for all the meaningless or tiny issues that pester you.

16) You Act Too Desperate and It Turns Guys Off

We get it: it can be scary.

Getting older and not finding the man of your dreams becomes more stressful as the years go on.

What if you never find him?

What if when you do find him, he’s already with someone else?

What if it just doesn’t work out ever, for whatever reason?

But desperation smells. It comes off in the way you act and the things you say, and it’s not attractive.

It might be the reason why the conversation during every first date goes astray after you start discussing kids and marriage, or why your laugh doesn’t seem genuine, but awkward and forced.

The answer? Chill out. Take a deep breath before every date, and tell yourself — if this doesn’t work out, there will be another.

Don’t weigh the entirety of your future on every first meet-up with another potentially good man, because the weight of your expectations will suffocate any chance for the date to go well.

17) You Aren’t Really Trying

Then there’s the complete opposite of desperation — not trying at all.

You may say to yourself that you’re trying so hard to find the right guy and there are no good guys out there, but when was the last time you actually went on a date?

Here’s the truth: if you haven’t found your man yet, then you’re probably not looking in new places.

Living your same life and doing the same things over and over again won’t make your man magically appear out of thin air.

To find the man you want, you need to constantly throw yourself into new situations, new environments, and new activities.

So live your life. Do the things you’ve always wanted to go — go travel, join hobby groups, experience new experiences.

Your ideal man will be out doing those things too, and you might finally cross his path.

18) Your Social Skills Could Use Some Serious Work

A huge part of successfully dating and finding your partner is using your social skills to their fullest extent.

But are your social skills actually working for you? Or are they doing the complete opposite and working against you?

You might be making basic social mistakes that most of us outgrow as teenagers, simply because you’ve gotten used to your bad habits and awkward quirks.

And instead of fixing yourself, you might say, “My perfect man will accept me for who I am.” But why work against yourself instead of improving your odds by fixing the little things that go a long way?

19) You Haven’t Improved Yourself in a Long Time

We all want someone who adds value to our life.

Who knows that more than you, since you’ve been looking for the right, perfect, good man for all this time?

But in all this time you’ve been searching, have you ever stopped and asked yourself — are you a good woman that a good man would love?

It’s not just about looks and personality. It’s also about who you are as a person, and what you offer as a potential partner.

Are you interesting? Are you fun? Are you smart? Do you have things going on in your life, or is your life completely centered around the goal of locking down a man to love you until you die?

Think about the last time you actually improved your value as a person.

The last time you taught yourself something new, or read a new book, or cooked a new dish, or even explored a new aspect of yourself.

Instead of constantly searching for the right man to come to you, become the right woman — and he’ll be in front of you faster than you think.

So I suppose now you’re asking yourself, “where can I find a good man?”

Here are some ideas to help you out:

Here are 7 places you can go to find a good man

1. Community Events

If there’s a market, fair, auction, ice skating, cook-off, chili tasting, pie contest, or anything else going on in your community, make an effort to attend it.

Not only do lots of men frequent these kinds of events with friends and family, but a community event is a perfect backdrop for a love story.

Haven’t you seen a Hallmark movie? Good things happen when people gather in town squares, or you know, the recreation center for a hockey game or bake sale.

2. Volunteer Work

Instead of sitting around waiting for Mr. Right to walk through the door, get out, and use that extra time wisely.

Help a community organization organize a fundraiser or attend a blanket drive.

Good men with good morals and values are found at these things all the time.

Don’t ask yourself what a good man is doing at a place like this, if you find him volunteering at a food bank or youth center, ask yourself how you got so lucky to meet a guy who cares enough about his community to give up his free time.

Plus, everyone knows that the minute you stop looking for a date and get busy doing something else, a great guy appears into your life.

3. Tourist Sites in Your Own City

Again, one of the biggest mistakes women make while waiting to find someone to date is they sit around and WAIT to find someone.
Don’t waste this one and only life you have waiting on a man. Go out and play tourist in your own city.

You’ll learn something new, see some cool things, probably have some great food (don’t be afraid to eat alone!) and you might even meet someone from not-too-far-away that could join you at that table for two.

4. Coffee Shops

Sure, this one is totally cliche, but it’s still one of the best ways to meet people.

It’s hard not to engage in conversation in a coffee shop.

But here’s the thing: you can’t just sit there on your phone ignoring every Tim, Dick or Harry that walks through the door.

You have to hold your head up, look at people, smile, and strike up the odd conversation every now and then.

Women with phones in their faces, laptops open, and books in their noses send a message that they don’t want to be disturbed. It screams, “I’m not here to meet anyone.”

5. Professional Associations

If you’re business-minded and your business is already your lover, you might need to date someone who will understand how hard you work.

A professional association or networking event is just the place to find someone who has the same values and work ethic as you do.

It’s important to find people that have things in common with you, but also, you might not be interested (or even allowed) to date in your office, so it’s important to get outside of that gene pool and find someone who isn’t going to eat your lunch in the breakroom.

6. Book Stores

Who doesn’t love a man who reads?

If you make your way to a used book store and get lost in there for hours, you’ll surely find yourself standing in front of some guy who has also just come up for air after hours of browsing through beautiful, old books.

You already have something in common and you’ll have plenty to talk about as you stand in line buying books.

7. Classes

If you’re shy and don’t want to go out into the community alone, grab a friend and head into a local art class or book club or something else that guarantees other people will be there.

And here’s the thing you might not be thinking of as you look for a date: your guy might not be in the class.

But be your awesome self and his sister, who was sitting in the class next to you, just might tell her brother about you.

You can’t know where the love of your life is going to come from, so don’t limit yourself to the new old ways of finding love.

It’s all around you. You just have to look for it in different ways sometimes.

On the other hand, if you’re asking yourself, “where are all the good men?” then perhaps you don’t really want a romantic relationship?

The thought, “where are all the good men?” is more common than most people realize these days.

Is it you or is it them?

Look, finding a partner can be difficult, especially these days.

If you’re single, you can’t help but wonder if it’s a lack of choice that’s the problem or if it’s your teeth.

The good news is that you’re not alone in feeling like something is wrong in the dating pool.

More and more people are choosing to stay single because the thought of trying to find someone is overwhelming.

If you’ve had a string of relationships that ended badly or if you don’t have some self-esteem problems (who doesn’t? Amiright?), you might be timid in putting yourself out there.

You might even think that all the good ones are gone – both men and women.

But don’t lose hope just yet.

The truth is: there are plenty of good men still out there as we mentioned above.

So it’s time to hear a little bit of perspective.

Yep, it’s time to ask yourself some questions.

Because the question “where are all the good man” might not be the question you should be asking.

Here are 3 important questions to ask yourself.

1. Do you really want to meet a good man? Or is it peer pressure?

At one point in our history, women had to marry a man or she would be shunned by society and considered an outcast.

People would wonder what was wrong with her and she’d get to a point where no man would want her.

Can you imagine?

It all sounds horrible.

But yet, many women still think like this today.

If you’re a woman longing for a man because you think you should have been married by now, you’re causing yourself a lot of grief based on how you think you should be living your life.

But let’s take stock here for a minute:

Do you really want to be in a relationship or are you booting 40 and feel like people are going to start judging you if you don’t get a man on your arm soon?

Let’s look at the other side of the coin: men have always been expected to take a wife.

Even now, young bachelors are mourned when they get scooped up by a lucky lady because he’s off the market.

As if being on the market is something to be desired by either men or women.

We treat relationships like the only thing there is to life.

We even have sayings such as “love is all that matters” and songs about how love is all there is and all you need and it can really mess you up if you don’t have it in your life.

Men, as well as women, feel the societal pressure to be a pair, to have a plus one at a dinner party, and to take care of someone until their dying day.

2. Why can’t you be happy alone?

Why do we continue to perpetuate this idea that humans can’t be happy on their own?

Why aren’t you whole unless you are half of someone else?

At this point in our evolution with so much more to care about and focus on, it’s just bad math to think you’re less than or not worthy because you don’t have a man or woman on your arm.

It feels devastating to be alone because you’re comparing your life to a Hallmark movie, and I’ve yet to see a town so perfect as the towns in those movies.

Instead of feeling like you’ve failed in life because someone hasn’t chosen you yet, consider what else your life is about: your contributions, how you help your community, the way you love and care for your family, the good friends you have, and the good friend you are to them.

There’s so much more to love than just romantic love.

But we’ve brainwashed ourselves into thinking we need romantic love to be happy.

3. Are you sure you’re looking for romantic love?

If romantic love is what you want, don’t fool yourself into thinking all the good ones are gone – whether you’re into women or men or both.

There are billions of people on this planet to love you and for you to love.

If you’re telling yourself you’re open to meeting someone but you haven’t met anyone yet, then re-evaluate your definition of what you mean to be “open” to meeting someone.

You might be rejecting people without even realizing it based on the way they look or what car they drive or what job they do.

For example, the barista you get your coffee from every morning might be totally checking you out, but you’re ignoring his attention because he pours coffee for a living.

The funny is that he might love his job and be the best coffee-pourer on the planet.

That makes him a happy-go-lucky guy who has fun all day at work and sees the joy in life.

He might also be filthy rich with a dead relative’s inheritance and you’re brushing him off because he gave you the wrong scone.

The point is that you’re judging people without realizing your judging them and that’s keeping you from really getting to know people who would be perfectly perfect for you.

But maybe that is the way you like it?

Perhaps you are happy being single and you’re just making excuses for not finding a “good man”. At least that the excuse you give to society.

Because the truth is that not only are there lots of good people left for you to date and fall in love with, anyone of them could be right for you and make you happy.

So the next time you’re out and about, try opening your eyes a little wider to see the people right in front of you.

You might be surprised by what you find. And it might just end in a kiss.

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Lachlan Brown

Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 6 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.
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