“Why won’t my husband talk to me?”
Are you asking yourself this question?
Let me go out on a limb here and guess that you’re husband isn’t talking with you anymore and your marriage isn’t what it was.
It can tough to know what to do. After all, communication is one of the most important factors of a successful marriage.
And without it, how are you meant to grow and build your marriage and your life together?
But don’t panic.
What you need to know is that men communicate differently to women and it’s common for men to shut off every once in a while.
So in this article, I’m going to go over 8 reasons why your husband might not be communicating with you anymore and then we’ll go over what you can do to get your husband to communicate with you more.
We have a lot to cover so let’s get started.
8 possible reasons your husband won’t talk to you
1. Your husband is not feeling essential to you
Maybe your husband isn’t talking to you because he feels that he isn’t getting enough attention from you and he doesn’t feel that you’re respecting him for who he is.
He doesn’t make an effort because he feels that it’s demeaning to work for the attention of his own wife.
It something that should come naturally.
So it becomes a problem that feeds on itself because you both believe that you’re not paying attention to each other.
There’s a reason why men feel like this.
You see, according to a new psychology theory called “the hero instinct” men have an in-built desire to feel “essential” to a woman.
Now I’m willing to guess that you’re a strong and independent woman, and while your husband loves that about you, you might be giving off the vibe that you don’t need him in your life.
It sounds silly, but men can be very sensitive about feeling unessential to their woman, and it can cause drastic damage to his self-esteem and confidence.
Because men have a biological drive to feel needed, to feel important, and to provide for the woman he cares about.
Relationship psychologist James Bauer created the term the hero instinct.
As James argues, male desires are not complicated, just misunderstood.
Instincts are powerful drivers of human behavior and this is especially true for how men approach their relationships.
So, when the hero instinct isn’t triggered, a husband can feel immasucalted. He stops communicating because he feels that he isn’t being respected in the relationship.
And he won’t fully “invest” meaningful conversaton with you unless you give him a sense of meaning and purpose and make him feel essential.
How do you trigger this instinct in him, and give him this sense of meaning and purpose?
You don’t need to pretend to be anyone you’re not or play the “damsel in distress”. You don’t have to dilute your strength or independence in any way, shape or form.
In an authentic way, you simply have to show your man what you need and allow him to step up to fulfill it.
In his new video, James Bauer outlines several things you can do. He reveals phrases, texts and little requests that you can use right now to make him feel more essential to you.
By triggering this very natural male instinct, you’ll not only get him to open up to you but it will also help to rocket your relationship to the next level.
2. He is scared of his feelings
This reason probably only relates to those who are in the early stages of their marriage.
Sometimes it can slowly dawn on a man that he is in a marriage and he has a wife relying on him for the rest of his life.
Of course, he should have thought about this before he got married, but sometimes your mind can take time to twig about the significance of big live events.
When he realizes that it’s up to him to provide for another person and build a family together, he can feel uncertain and doesn’t know how to properly process it.
What if he already had his life figured out?
He had plans in place for what his life will look like.
And then all of a sudden, he is less certain about everything because he realizes that having a family really does change the trajectory of his life.
Those nights out with the boys? The business he always thought he’d start? The back-packing trip he wanted to go on as a teenager?
It all becomes non-existent when you’re in a marriage.
So he might be feeling scared. And he is ignoring you because you’re making him feel scared.
And look, he might take time to come around as he fully processes it all. He’ll just act distant for a period of time until he’s able to get his head around it all.
In situations like this, it’s important not to push him too hard to open up to you. It may have the opposite effect of what you’re looking for.
Instead, keep it cool and calm and be there for him when he is ready to talk. n
He’ll soon realize how much he loves you and
3. He might not be ready for kids
I’m not sure where you’re at your marriage, but if you haven’t had kids yet, then he may be feeling that he is not ready to have kids yet.
Starting a family is a big commitment, and while he might be sure that he really loves you, he might feel better about it if it moves slower.
If starting a family is on the horizon, then he’ll start avoiding communication as a technique to put the brakes on things.
There’s nothing wrong with this. In fact, it means that when you kids you know that you’ll both ready for it.
So if you think he might ignoring you because things are going too fast, take a moment to let him know that you’re okay with going slower.
4. He has other priorities
What stage of life is your fella in?
When a guy is in the late 20s, or early 30s, he’s (likely) trying hard to establish himself in his career.
He’s starting to make money and he knows he needs to focus if he is going to be successful.
Maybe he’s ambitious and his boss is asking him to work late and put in extra hours. Or perhaps he has other issues going in his life.
Life is complex, after all. We have all battles and struggles that we have to overcome.
He not be communicating with you because these stresses and priorities are taking up his focus.
If you’re only in the early stages of your marriage, then he might find it difficult to be fully open you.
Maybe he’s scared about how you’ll react so that’s why you’re left in the dark.
5. He is completely focused on himself
This could be a warning sign that your husband a little narcissist and he he only cares about what’s important to him.
He’s completely self-centered and rarely considers your feelings or what you’re going through.
He focuses almost exclusively on doing things that please him more than they please you. He hardly ever compromises.
If he used to be less self-centered and more focused on your needs, then this isn’t a good sign.
Sometimes this can be an emotional issue that forces him to focus on himself more.
But it doesn’t excuse him to totally ignore your needs and wants.
Relationships are a two-way street and if he is only focused on himself, then it may be that his love has disappeared from the relationship.
3 common differences between how men and women communicate
6. Men keep to themselves more than women
Let’s face it. Men and women are completely different beasts. From time immemorial, men were the hunters and warriors.
Women were the child bearers and housekeepers.
Women love a conversation. Men don’t. Not too much has changed in that department.
I bet that you talk endlessly with your friends. Look at your husband’s friendship group. Does he do the same? I bet he doesn’t.
Men can keep to themselves much more than most females can.
In conversation, men tend to keep it serious and practical.
Sure, they speak and listen, but there isn’t much else going on.
On the other hand, women tend to expand on their feelingz and seek resolutions to “work things out”.
Women also have another layer to their communication: non-verbal. They use facial expressions and emotional cues.
7. Feelings vs Factual
For men, conversations serve a purpose. It is a tool to solve problems. This makes the conversations that men have to be very fact-based.
They tend to avoid small-talk or meaningless conversation because it’s simply a waste of time.
Women, in general, prefer to expand in conversations and explore the feelings of the person they’re talking to.
After all, women tend to be more empathic and compassionate. This is why females like talking about emotions. As I’m sure you can attest to, men not so much.
8. Men just want to get a point
As I mentioned above, men have conversations for a purpose, which means that they want to quickly get to the point!
For every conversation, there should be a goal. There is no need for a pointless chat.
For women, though, conversations tend to be much longer. They love getting to know someone and talking about someone’s personal life and interests.
Whereas men can be satisfied with a “yes” or “no” answer, women prefer to find out as much as possible.
How to get your husband to communicate with you: 6 important tips
1. Find a time when there is no distractions
This an obvious one, but if you want to have a good discussion with your husband, then you need a quiet space where you can both relax and engage in the conversation.
This might an issue if you have young children. You could wait until they have gone to bed for the night and then make a request with you husband to have some tme to speak to him.
In the end, you just don’t want interruptions when you engage in your conversation.
You could go out to restaraunt, but you need to make sure it is a quiet area where you can have your own private space without distractions.
2. Don’t attack their character
If they’re doing something wrong in the relationship, then make sure you don’t attach their character to their actions.
You may not know their true intentions. After all, sometimes when we’re doing something wrong, we don’t actually know we’re doing it.
But when you start attacking their character and you get personal, it turns into an argument and nothing gets solved.
It will only result in an unproductive conversaton and your husband might shut off even more.
Remember, if your relationship is to continue and most importantly, grow, then you need to have a productive discussion that addresses why he isn’t communicating with you as much as you’d like.
Leave personal insults out of it.
3. Stop thinking in terms of who causes more issues in the relationship
Whenever there is a problem such as lack of communication in the relationship, there is almost always 2 sides to the story.
Yes, your husbandmight be more responsible for his lack of communication, but pointing it out in that way just makes it seem petty like you’re trying to win points.
In the same vein, don’t bring up previous issues to show who has caused more problems in the relationship.
Stick to the current issue which is the lack of communication from your husband. Focus on what’s important. Leave ego out of it.
Now if you’ve discovered the real issue of why he isn’t communicating with you, and you’ve communicated together in an honest, clear, and mature way, that’s great.
If you’ve both agreed to work on communication in the relationship, then it’s important to stick with it and see how it goes.
But if over time you find that he is not realy changing in anyway (nor even making an effort) then it could be time for more drastic steps.
Can people change? Yes, of course, they can. But they have to not only be willing to change, but they’ve got to show it with their actions.
As the old saying goes, it’s easier said than done. So always to look to their actions when you decide whether the issues in the marriage have been sold.
4. Make your husband feel like a hero
This is another strategy that can highly effective to get your man feeling good so he is more likely to open up to you.
If you want your husband to open up to you and communicate with you, you must make him feel like your provider and protector, and someone you genuinely admire.
In other words, you have to make him feel like a hero (not exactly like Thor though).
I know it sounds a bit silly. In this day and age, women don’t need someone to rescue them. They don’t need a ‘hero’ in their lives.
And I couldn’t agree more.
But here’s the ironic truth. Men do still need to be a hero. Because it’s built into their DNA to seek out relationships that allow them to feel like a provider.
Men have a thirst for admiration. They want to step up to the plate for the woman in their lives and service, provide and protect her. This is deeply rooted in male biology.
And the kicker?
A man won’t fall in love with a woman when this thirst isn’t satisfied.
He wants to see himself as a provider. As someone you genuinely want and need to have around. Not as a mere accessory, ‘best friend’, or ‘partner in crime’.
If you don’t make him feel this, he will feel like less of a man. Emasculated. And your husband will lose interest in you over time.
I can guarantee to you then if you can make him feel like a hero, he will start communicating more openly with you.
There’s actually a psychological term for what I’m talking about here. It’s called the hero instinct. This term was coined by relationship psychologist James Bauer.
I spoke about this briefly above.
Now, you can’t trigger his hero instinct just giving him admiration next time you see him. Men don’t like receiving participation awards for showing up. Trust me.
A man wants to feel like he has earned your admiration and respect.
You have to find ways to make him feel like your hero. There’s an art to doing this which can be a lot of fun when you know exactly what to do. But it requires a little more work than just asking him to fix your computer or carry your heavy bags.
The best way to learn how to trigger the hero instinct in your guy is to watch this free online video. James Bauer gives a terrific introduction to his concept.
If you can trigger this instinct successfully, then you’ll see the results immediately.
When a man genuinely feels like your hero, he’ll become more loving, attentive, and interested in being in a committed, long-term relationship with you.
The hero instinct is a subconscious drive men have to gravitate toward people who make him feel like a hero. But it’s amplified in his romantic relationships.
Hack Spirit writer Pearl Nash discovered this for herself and in the process completely turned around a lifetime of romantic failure. You can read her story here.
Some ideas really are life-changing. And for romantic relationships, this is one of them. That’s why you should watch this free online video where you can learn how to trigger the hero instinct.a
5. Make time to do fun things together
When you’re getting deeper into your marriage, it’s easy to forget to have fun.
The more you mesh your lives together, the more time you seem to spend on chores and just generally mooching about, rather than on exciting dates and adventures.
This is, in part, an inevitable consequence of being in a marriage.
Being able to do boring stuff together as well as partying all night and swinging from the chandeliers is just part of creating a strong, long-term bond.
But unfortunately, this “boredom” can be a significant reason a husband can fall out of love.
So keep this mind:
Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that the fun’s over.
It’s vital that you don’t allow your relationship to end up being just about sensible nights in and saving for the future. This isn’t an either/or kind of choice at all.
You know that famous breakup phrase “I love you but I’m not in love with you”? What that often really means is “we don’t do fun stuff together anymore”.
Having fun together is part of the fabric of a relationship. It is a big part of what binds you together.
In the beginning, fun was what it was all about. Now, it can’t be anything. But you can make sure it’s still a pretty big feature.
The way you do this? It’s boring, but schedule in some fun time.
If it’s not happening naturally, then you need to take action to make sure it starts happening.
Maybe a regular Saturday night date, or a Sunday movie, or just a hot night in once in a while. Whatever works for you and your husband.
6. Try the 10-minute rule
Ever heard of the 10-minute rule?
It’s a term coined by relationship expert Terri Orbuch.
In fact, in her book 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great, she says that the 10-minute is the single greatest routine a couple can get themselves into.
So, I bet you’re wondering: What the hell is this 10-minute rule?!
According to Orbuch, the rule is “a daily briefing in which you and your spouse make time to talk about anything under the sun – except kids, works, and household tasks or responsibilities.”
Of course, to engage in this activity you’ll want to have some pre-planned questions you can ask.
Here are some ideas:
– What is the one thing you want to be remembered for?
– What do you feel is your strongest trait?
– What do you think is the best song of all time?
– If you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?
The idea here is to chat about something that isn’t routine. Have a talk about something interesting!
You might think that you know what each other thinks about everything, but I bet you’d be wrong. There’s more to learn about everybody.
Heck, you could even chat about the past and all the good times you’ve had together.
That will guarantee to get his mind wandering on all the passionate and fun times you’ve had together.
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