10 reasons he keeps you around when he doesn’t want a relationship

Finding yourself in a situationship? It’s a relationship without the definition. You like the guy, you think he likes you, but it’s not an actual relationship.

Hence, situationship. And in most situationships, you inevitably reach the point of, “Why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship?”

It’s a simple question. But they act like it’s such a complex answer. And the truth is, it isn’t. You either want to be in a relationship with someone or you don’t. So, which is it?

The fact is that a lot of people find themselves in the same place as you, wondering why they’re kept around if they don’t want a relationship.

And in this article, I’ll tell you the answer you need to hear. I’ll even give you nine more reasons after the first.

Once you realize why they’re keeping you around, you can decide for yourself whether you should kick him to the curb or step up to try and make a relationship happen.

He doesn’t want a relationship but he likes me

Most people in a situationship eventually get to the point of finding out that the guy likes them, but they don’t want a relationship. And when you first hear this, it doesn’t sound bad.

There are a lot of real, valid reasons that someone may not want to be in a relationship right now. Maybe they just got out of a relationship, their life is insanely busy, or there are personal problems in their life.

However, it also could be that they just don’t see a future with you.

Sometimes, you like someone but can’t see it going much further for multiple different reasons.

But, there’s no telling which one it is. If a guy likes you, that’s a good sign. The reality of the situation is that you need to talk to him.

When he does like you, the next logical step is to get into a relationship. And when that doesn’t happen, it can cause an issue with your feelings and theirs.

So, why does it happen?

Why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t love me

If he doesn’t love you, why is he coming back? He likes you; he thinks you’re great, but he just doesn’t love you.

Still, he doesn’t want to let you go. Sucks, right?

You want things to change, but you can’t make someone love you. Chances are, if he’s coming back and doesn’t love you, the issue isn’t with you—it’s with him.

It’s clear that he doesn’t know what he wants.

And that’s actually the reason that these guys keep you around. Because deep down, they know that there’s something between the two of you, but it’s too hard to make it a relationship.

They aren’t sure what’s going on and how to fix it.

Simply, they have no idea what they want.

This goes beyond what they want in a relationship. It’s usually that the men don’t know what they want in life at all—and the relationship becomes even more confusing. 

So as much as it sucks, he’s coming back to see whether or not there may be something there. Sometimes, this manifests differently than you think.

And truthfully, you may be caught in the crossfire.

Because while they don’t know what they want, it may not even be you that they’re questioning.

The man you’re dating could be dating multiple people at the same time, and you may not be the frontrunner. So, while they’re deciding what they want, they may:

  • Date you
  • Sleep with you
  • Call you late at night
  • Or a number of other things

But deep down, the root of the issue is that the guy doesn’t know what he wants. So, if you think that might be happening, there are a few signs you should look out for.

10 signs a guy doesn’t know what he wants

If a guy is keeping you around but doesn’t want a relationship, it’s obvious that he doesn’t know what he wants. Thankfully, with these 10 signs, you can see the true reason they’re keeping you around.

1. Things go from intense to nothing

Do you feel like he is constantly hot and cold? Sometimes, things are hot and heavy. Other times, there’s nothing. You feel like you’re being pulled back and forth. Confusing, right?

This is one of the top signs that a guy doesn’t know what he wants. One moment, he thinks that you’re everything. And the next moment, he’s ghosting you. Think about all the people that you really like. You want to talk to them all the time.

Shouldn’t they be the same? A study showed that those who are truly interested are communicating with their romantic interest nearly every day. Only 7% of people who weren’t interested and kept women on the side were talking to their side-woman every day.

2. Cancels last minute

Maybe when the two of you are together, it’s the best thing. You’re constantly connecting and show each other that through touch, communication, and appreciation. 

But, the problem is you hardly ever see each other. That’s because when you’re about to get together, they cancel last minute.

Even when you think you’re going to get together, it doesn’t happen. 

This isn’t normal.

Someone who wants to build a relationship should be there every step of the way. They won’t cancel last minute more than a few times.

Sure, life happens. But many times, the excuses aren’t genuine.

It doesn’t matter how great things are when the two of you are together—if he’s canceling often, he doesn’t know what he wants. Or if he does, it isn’t you.

3. You haven’t met anyone important

Does it seem like every time the two of you are together, you stay behind at your house or go to non-popular areas? 

If you haven’t met any of his family or friends, I hate to break it to you, but that’s not a good sign. The guys who know what they want will show you off to their loved ones. They want their opinion, which is why you meet family and friends.

But if he’s going out of his way to make sure you’re not meeting anyone he knows, it’s clear he’s not ready for a relationship and doesn’t know what he wants.

4. He puts his dreams first

Look, putting your dreams first isn’t a bad thing. But men and women are different. Men usually have a checklist of things they want to accomplish before they step into a serious relationship.

So, he may like you. But it could be he isn’t ready for a relationship yet because he hasn’t reached all his personal accomplishments.

That’s not to say you aren’t amazing (you are), but he’s focused on something else. No matter what you do, you’re not going to change his mind to want a relationship if he’s focused on his dreams.

So, he does know what he wants—he just doesn’t know what he wants in his love life.

5. He doesn’t spend much time with you

If you’re in bed the majority of the time the two of you are together, this isn’t a good sign. It could be a classic friends with benefits thing, so you can expect that he’s really not interested in a relationship.

He may have someone else he’s interested in, or he may not. But he doesn’t know whether he wants to change the current predicament the two of you are in. 

Someone who wants to be in a relationship is going to spend time getting to know you—outside of the bedroom. He should want to know your likes, dislikes, dreams, and desires. 

6. He shows no effort

You’re the one putting in all the effort and planning. And when you do, he seems okay with it all. But when you don’t put in effort, you don’t hear from him.

He’s probably not that into you if he isn’t showing effort.

As much as you’d like to be in a relationship with him, he clearly isn’t sure whether he wants to or not if he isn’t putting in the effort.

It could be that the situation you have on hand is too easy. He likes the arrangement and doesn’t want to put a label on it all.

7. They’re seeing other people

This should be one of the largest red flags. If they aren’t sure what they want, they’re probably seeing other people.

While dating around isn’t something to be ashamed of, it’s going to hurt you in the long run if you want a relationship and they don’t.

If you find out that the person you’re interested in is seeing other people, you should take it as a sign that they’re not quite sure what they want from you.

8. They avoid the talk

Have you tried to talk to them about defining the relationship? Are they avoiding it like the plague?

You should definitely know that this is a bad sign. They don’t want to have the talk about defining the relationship because they aren’t sure what they want.

9. They’re scared of commitment

A guy who doesn’t know what he wants is probably scared of commitment. There are multiple reasons that this could have happened to them, but commitment phobes hardly ever know what they want.

Though they want to be around you and they like you, they’re scared of starting a relationship with you.

So, they’ll show that they like you through small things—like being all in when they’re around you. But then they pull away or even say things that may hurt.

This indecisiveness can leave you confused and anxious about the relationship.

10. He doesn’t know what he wants because he doesn’t want you

As hard as it is to accept, the guy you’re interested in may just not want you. Even if you feel good about the time you guys spend together, if he’s not putting in effort and trying harder in getting to know you, he probably doesn’t want you.

This sucks. But at the same time, all of these signs just show how much he has no idea what it is that he wants.

It all comes down to one simple thing: If you’re questioning whether or not he wants you, he probably doesn’t.

RELATED: My love life was a train wreck until I discovered this one “secret” about men

You deserve better

Here’s the thing…

You deserve better. So much better.

When a guy doesn’t know what he wants but keeps you around anyway, you don’t deserve that. You deserve someone who will love you, want to get to know you, and who is willing to put in the effort.

A man who keeps you around but doesn’t want a relationship isn’t going to worth the time and effort. He can always come back around when he’s ready for a relationship. But in the meantime, you shouldn’t wait around. Because truthfully, it doesn’t happen very often.

It’s obviously bothering you, as it should.

So, it’s probably time to cut ties.

Have a conversation with the guy you’re dating. If he steps up and wants to begin a relationship, then you have your answer.

If he avoids defining the relationship or beats around the bush, it’s time to cut ties.

As much as that sucks, it will make you happier. You don’t need a relationship to feel good about yourself, and a man that’s half-in is only going to make you feel worse. 

You shouldn’t have to ask why he’s keeping you around if he doesn’t want a relationship. Nothing good comes from that question.

It’s a hard conversation to have, and you may be scared to do so. But, you truly do deserve better. You’ll find a guy that’s all-in and ready to start a relationship. It may take time, but it will be worth cutting ties with the guy that’s keeping you on the side.

You may also like reading:

Sign up to Hack Spirit's daily emails

Learn how to reduce stress, cultivate healthy relationships, handle people you don't like and find your place in the world.

We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time. Powered by ConvertKit
Jess Carpenter

Written by Jess Carpenter

I studied at The University of Utah where I earned both my B.S. and M.S. and am a Certified Health Education Specialist (CHES certified). My favorite spot to write is wherever I can see my toddlers to ensure they aren’t jumping from the second story or coloring on the walls.

How to be sexy: Everything you need to know to look & feel attractive

How to be a good wife: 12 helpful tips to make your relationship thrive