You’ve had sex with a guy and now it seems like he doesn’t even want to talk to you. What should you do?
Sadly, it happens all the time. You sleep with him but then he suddenly stops calling or texting.
There are several possible reasons why someone might stop talking to you after you sleep with them. So let’s dive in…
1) He saw it as a one night stand
In your head, you may have been hoping it was the start of something special. But he was never playing out the same storyline.
Unspoken expectations create some of the biggest disappointments in romance. It all comes down to intentions.
He may have been charming, attentive, complimentary, even a real gent. But in his mind all along he was thinking short-term. You on the other hand could have read those signals as an indication of his heartfelt interest in you.
It’s not that he was faking, but his expectations didn’t run away from him because he knew all along it was going to be a one-time thing. But your expectations could have been totally different.
This is the unfortunate side effect of us not talking to one another about what we’re looking for, what we feel, and what we want.
In your mind, it may seem pointless to have sex and then move on straight away. But for some men, once the scratch is itched (so to speak) they no longer desire anything more.
Aka once his physical needs were satisfied the encounter reached a natural conclusion for him.
2) He’s a player (or a cheat)
For some men pursuing different women becomes habitual. They chase, score, and repeat.
There have been names throughout history for this type of guy — whether that’s a Romeo, a player, or the more modern reincarnation, the F-boy.
These kinds of men ultimately aren’t emotionally available. So they bounce from one girl to the next in their no strings attached scenarios.
They may say the right things to get you where they want you, but there’s very little follow-through — which is when he disappears after you sleep with him.
Some may even have a girlfriend, and you were unwittingly the side-chick. They never had any intention of anything other than a fling.
Instead, they lead a bit of a double sex life, juggling several women and flings at the same time.
3) He’s not attached and he’s worried you are (or will be)
Plenty of guys start to back off as soon as they get spooked. Usually, it’s emotions that do the spooking.
Why do guys stop talking to you after hooking up? To put it abruptly, they don’t want you getting the wrong impression.
When it comes to sex, a lot of guys are worried that girls get very quickly attached. So sometimes men freak out about what you will want from them after you’ve had sex together.
They don’t feel emotionally connected to you on a deeper level, and they’re nervous about your feelings or expectations towards them.
They worry you’ll end up wanting more from them. And if you do, they know they can’t give it. So they pull away before you can ask for more.
Although it’s cold, and even a bit brutal, the thinking behind it is letting you know that he’s not open for anything deeper.
4) He isn’t sure if you want to hear from him
I’m going to offer this reason with a disclaimer to be careful.
It is perfectly possible that a guy might not get in touch after you’ve had sex because he is unsure about where he stands and the situation between you two. He is only human, and some men could feel insecure or unsure if you want to hear from them.
Guys don’t get given a manual on how to behave any more than we do.
I once spoke to a guy who told me he didn’t know whether a one-night stand wanted him to call, so he didn’t.
But, and it’s a big but, the reality is also that if he liked her enough, he would have put himself out there to find out.
That’s why it’s probably best to view this reason as the exception, not the rule.
We risk grasping at straws if we try to find more palatable excuses for someone’s poor behavior. And when we are wondering ‘why do guys change after you sleep with them’ it probably makes us feel better to think it’s because they don’t know where they stand or are scared of getting hurt.
But the brutal truth is…
The friend who tries to tell you he doesn’t want to date you because he likes you TOO much is probably just thinking about sparing your feelings.
Usually, the most obvious reason is the right one. And the most obvious reason why a man doesn’t contact you is that he doesn’t want to speak to you.
5) The reality didn’t live up to the fantasy
Unlike in the movies, it isn’t always earth-shatteringly emotional and deep. And unlike in porn, it isn’t a non-stop performance focused purely on male pleasure.
These unrealistic expectations we can develop about how sex will be can leave real-life encounters feeling somewhat lacking or disappointing.
If he has built up an unrealistic idea of what sleeping with you might be like, his hopes could be dashed by reality. And so he doesn’t feel inclined to repeat the experience. This can especially be the case with inexperienced guys.
It’s not that you did anything wrong sexually (Although the two of you combined might not be naturally sexually compatible). But as writer Dakota Lim commented on Quora, research she conducted found that some men do learn unhealthy ideas about sex:
“The use of pornography and masturbation gives many males unrealistic expectations of what is “good sex.” On the internet and in magazines, women are airbrushed and made up to look beautiful while they are shown “inviting” the man to have sex – these females are the initiators of sex, they make men not only feel desire, but also feel desirable – worthy of seducing…They learn sex is for the males – females are there to service the males. When they have real time sex with a fling, usually the fling will be a disappointment. Not only will the fling be unaware of what the male has been habitually masturbating to and is sexually aroused by, the fling will be a person with needs and desires of her own, which will turn off the male. He then disappears.”
6) You are jumping the gun and he will call
It’s worth asking, how long it has been since you had sex?
Because there is going to be a huge difference between a few hours and a few weeks. The latter is way more likely that your fears and suspicions are right, he is avoiding you.
But it could be that you simply haven’t waited long enough yet. It’s not like there is a specific rule book on when to text after sleeping together.
How long do guys wait to text after a hookup? There’s a lot of debate about this one. Some men may drop you a message within hours, others might wait a few days. It’s going to depend on the guy.
It’s easy to assume that the sooner you hear from someone, the keener they are. There’s some truth to this. But some people also hold back for fear of coming off too strong. They try to follow the 3-day rule before reaching out.
If it’s been longer than a week, he’s less likely to call or message. And if he does, it’s probably going to be months from now when he is just looking for a repeat hook-up.
Never underestimate the brazenness of some guys to ignore you for half the year, only to slide back into your DM’s with a “hey” and a smiley face like nothing ever happened.
7) It felt too easy for him
I hate even typing this. I think both men and women should have sex when feels right for them, and there isn’t a right or wrong about when is too soon.
I also think that mature, well-rounded and respectful men do not judge a woman about when she feels ready to have sex — whether that’s after the first date or the fiftieth date.
But we also live in the real world. And in the real world, some men do judge women. An unfair double standard does still exist where a girl can be judged more harshly for her sexuality.
If it seems too easy for this type of man to have sex with you, then he may not value it in the same way.
His twisted logic is one where he loses respect for a girl if he didn’t have to chase her or put in the work. Without that challenge, he loses interest in taking things further.
This is about him, and not you.
It’s a very immature way of viewing women and viewing sex. Even if this is the case, honestly, if he actually had any feelings for you he wouldn’t think like this.
8) He’s emotionally immature
Often it’s just easier for him to disappear than have an adult chat about what he feels.
Regardless of whether you want to see them again, we all know that the mature and respectful thing to do after sleeping with someone is to let them know where you’re at.
But sadly many of us would rather avoid this discomfort.
That’s when bad habits like ghosting or simply not calling after sex can kick in instead. It’s essentially an avoidant way of handling the situation.
The thinking is that actions speak louder than words, and you’ll get the message from his lack of contact.
If a guy lacks the emotional maturity to let you know how he feels, it is much easier to just ignore you and say nothing.
9) He doesn’t want a relationship
I think you can often tell a guy’s intentions towards you quite early on.
If he isn’t contacting you (texting or calling) within a few days of you two having sex, then it’s a strong sign he isn’t looking for something serious with you.
There’s often very little you can do about that. Rather than it be any specific thing about you, it’s simply that he isn’t looking for a relationship.
For some people, and arguably more so men, sexual attraction and emotional connection are two separate things.
Even though he may be attracted to you, it doesn’t mean he feels you two clicked on a deeper level and wants to move towards a relationship.
Generally speaking, men find it easier than women to keep sex and relationships separate in their minds. Although he wanted sex, he isn’t prepared to open himself up to developing an emotional bond.
10) It was a conquest for him
I’ve had plenty of conversations with girlfriends about why guys like a one-time thing.
After all, it’s not like women aren’t also open to flings or no strings attached hookups. But the first time you have sex with anyone is rarely the best.
You are still getting to know each other’s bodies. So why hit it and quit it, one time only?
Sadly the whole ‘notch on the bedpost’ idea is true for some guys.
Rather than be about sex, it’s more about his ego. It makes some men feel good about themselves when they think they’ve “scored”. But after the “win” there is no glory left.
Once he has slept with you, he has gotten what he needs out of the encounter and proved to himself what a “man” he is.
I like to think (or hope) that this type of guy is rare, as it’s a pretty dehumanizing way of viewing sexual encounters. But I do think that some men get very bored very quickly.
They were only ever after one thing. And sadly that’s your body, not your mind.
He hasn’t called after we had sex, what should I do?
1) Wait 2-3 days
As I mentioned earlier, if it’s not been so long since you two slept together, give him some time. When we’re impatiently waiting for our phone to ring, time can go very slowly.
Give him the benefit of the doubt for a few days. There is still a chance he is busy or playing it cool.
2) Read the signs
What does your gut tell you about the situation?
Often there are telltale signs or red flags which fuel our instincts. How did he behave towards you before you had sex, during, and afterward?
This may give clues about his intentions and how he sees the sexual encounter.
For example, if he stayed the night and stuck around the next morning, things probably look more hopeful than if he couldn’t get his clothes on fast enough before heading for the door straight away.
3) Keep your cool
If he is having a little freak out (for whatever reason) about things between you two, the last thing you want to do is come on too strong.
Personally, I think it’s best when dating to match and reciprocate the other person’s behavior and interest level. Chasing pretty much always pushes people away.
For example, they send a text, you send a text, you call him, and he calls you back. It’s not point scoring, it’s about matching someone’s energy.
If he doesn’t make enough effort, don’t be tempted to chase him or give him more energy than he gives to you.
4) Reach out to him
Who should text first after a hookup?
We might prefer the guy to do it, but there really aren’t any rules. So if it’s been a few days and you haven’t heard anything, or you’re tired of waiting for him to make the move, why not send him a message.
Keep it brief, casual and conversational. It’s just to test the waters and see how he responds.
If you are thinking to yourself, ‘yeah but should you text a guy after sleeping with him?’ just remember that at least it will give you some answers, rather than sitting at home wondering what’s going on.
5) Let him go
If he doesn’t respond to your contact or makes no effort to call you, then what? What to do when a guy ignores you after sleeping with you?
As hurtful and frustrating as it can feel, you need to let him go. All too often we make too much effort to try and bring someone into our lives that we should be showing the door to.
If he behaves like this now, then thank your lucky stars he is out of your life.
How do you get a man to chase you after sleeping with him?
1) Be sure that you want the same things before you have sex
If you are looking to date, and potentially have a relationship, he needs to know that. Don’t be afraid to ask him what he is looking for.
There’s nothing wrong with hookups or one-night stands if that’s what both people want. But if it’s not, that’s when someone is bound to get hurt.
What he thinks after you sleep with him depends on the connection you have already built by that stage.
That’s why the best way to get a guy to chase you after sleeping with him is to be sure of his feelings (and that he is genuinely interested in you) before you have sex.
That way you know it’s not the only thing he wants. This means communicating with one another rather than hoping you’re on the same page.
A lot of girls wonder ‘how to get a guy to respect you after sleeping with him’. But here’s the bottom line truth:
You shouldn’t have to. If he doesn’t respect you, then that’s on him.
But you can try to do your due diligence to make sure that the guys you are letting into your life (and your bed) will treat you with the respect you deserve. That means being prepared to have honest conversations and ask men you’re thinking of being intimate with what they are looking for, as well as being clear about what you want.
2) Trigger his hero instinct
If you feel like you are always attracting the wrong type of guys who don’t want to commit, don’t treat you right, and never even call after you’ve had sex — then I have something that could help.
You see, for guys, it’s all about triggering their inner hero.
I learned about this from the hero instinct. Coined by relationship expert James Bauer, this fascinating concept is about what really drives men in relationships, which is ingrained in their DNA.
And it’s something most women don’t know anything about.
Once triggered, these drivers make men into the heroes of their own lives. They feel better, love harder, and commit stronger when they find someone who knows how to trigger it.
Now, you may be wondering why it’s called “the hero instinct”? Do guys really need to feel like superheroes to commit to a woman?
Not at all. Forget about Marvel. You won’t need to play the damsel in distress or buy him a cape.
The easiest thing to do is to check out James Bauer’s excellent free video here. He shares some easy tips to get you started, such as sending him a 12-word text that will trigger his hero instinct right away.
Because that’s the beauty of the hero instinct.
It’s only a matter of knowing the right things to say to make him realize that he wants you and only you.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.