When you started dating your girlfriend, things seemed so great, and you loved spending time around each other.
But lately, you get the feeling like she kind of hates you.
Though I haven’t experienced this problem myself, I was surprised to learn how common it is among couples I spoke to and have heard about secondhand.
Each couple was different, but I did notice a pattern of the same reasons behind the issue time and time again.
I also saw how confusing it can be to figure out what the problem is, much less to solve it. So hopefully, I can offer you some good guidance and advice on what to do.
Let’s get started, and get your relationship back on the right track.
1) She’s depressed
This is perhaps the most serious reason why it might seem like your girlfriend hates you.
It might not be about you at all — but it could be a sign that she’s going through some serious mental health issues, such as depression.
It’s important to remember that this isn’t a reflection of you, or anyone else either for that matter.
Depression can have many different causes, from abuse, neglect, or event childhood trauma that is resurfacing. Or maybe it’s something that’s currently going on in her life, such as feeling useless in an unfulfilling job.
These symptoms can help you figure out if this is the reason why you feel like she hates you:
- She often says she’s upset, sad, or feels hopeless
- She has problems with sleep, whether it’s sleeping excessively or insomnia
- She’s overly anxious or very irritable
- She doesn’t spend much time with friends or family
- She doesn’t seem to enjoy her hobbies anymore
- She seems particularly distracted or restless
- She’s developing bad habits
- She’s neglecting taking care of herself
It can be tricky to figure out what to do in this situation, as depression can be a very serious issue.
One thing is for sure though, and that’s that you shouldn’t try to solve the situation “for her” or without her knowledge.
As a first step, you should try to share your concerns with her. The signs above can mean she is depressed, but only a professional can give an official diagnosis.
Until then, don’t jump to conclusions, and remember that they can only be assumptions.
If you suspect depression could be the problem, you can lovingly suggest that a counselor could help, but don’t nag her or get angry. The decision still has to be hers.
And don’t forget your own mental health in the process. Being with a depressed partner can put a strain on your own wellbeing as well, leading to self-blame, resentment, lower self-esteem, or other issues.
You might consider going to see a counselor as well. It won’t solve every problem in your relationship or necessarily change your girlfriend’s feelings, but it will surely give you an advantage in dealing with problems that come up.
2) She’s upset by another problem
I cannot even count how many times I thought someone was upset at me, but it turned out they were actually upset about something unrelated.
So it may look like your girlfriend hates you, but in reality she’s upset by something else.
There could be a myriad of different reasons:
- She’s going through financial problems
- She’s starting a new job that’s very stressful for her
- She has recently moved
- She lost a friend or loved one
- She’s experiencing hormonal changes
- She’s going through a difficult change such as a diet or quitting smoking
Perhaps it’s something you don’t even know about, if she’s embarrassed to talk about it with you, or she’s running away from the problem.
Meanwhile, she cannot handle the emotional stress and she’s taking it out on you.
The solution? As with many problems in life, it’s good communication.
Try calmly bringing up what you’ve noticed. It’s best to use “I” statements and stick to facts for this, to avoid making things sound conflictive or accusatory.
Then, follow up by asking her why she seems to be upset. Make it clear that you’re there to offer her comfort, and if needed, a shoulder to lean on or a person she can vent to.
For example, you could say:
“I noticed that you don’t text me a lot and we don’t hang out much anymore. I’m concerned about you because I care about you and I want you to be happy. Is there something you can share with me to help me understand what’s going on?”
3) The spark fizzled out
We’ve all been through that amazing rose-colored glasses honeymoon phase at the start of the relationship.
Everything is amazing, every joke is hilarious, every touch sends tingles running through your body.
But eventually, and inevitably, these feelings calm down. This isn’t bad — in fact, if your body had to keep feeling the initial intensity throughout the entire relationship, you would die. It’s too much to manage, and it’s natural for these strong feelings to fade.
At the same time, you don’t want the spark to fizzle out. Unfortunately, this is what happens to many couples.
In fact, I’ve been through it myself. My partner and I had an amazing start, spending hours together most days every week, making all sorts of plans for the future, and sharing an intense passion that I just could not get enough of.
But then, about eight months into the relationship, I realized that we’d started treating each other like an afterthought. We didn’t prioritize each other anymore, and many of our phone calls sounded like we were roommates rather than boyfriend-girlfriend.
I knew that I could not make the relationship the same as it was at the beginning, because we had grown as people together. But I wanted more than anything for our love to grow along with us, rather than die out as it seemed to be doing.
When I shared this with a friend, he suggested I reach out to a relationship coach. He had recently tried out Relationship Hero to help him go through his own relationship issues.
Since I had nothing to lose, I gave them a shot too — and I quickly understood why he recommended them so highly.
They took the time to truly get to know my situation and were not only very understanding, but gave me unique insight into how to get my relationship back on track.
I can honestly say I was truly blown away, and I don’t say that lightly.
If you’d like to try them out too, you can connect with a certified relationship coach in just a few minutes and get tailor-made advice for your situation, just like I did.
It’s much better to give it a shot than to spend the rest of your relationship wondering, “what if?”
4) You repeatedly do things that bother her
Despite what Instagram influencers would have us believe, no relationship is perfect.
Inevitably, even the most in-love couple in the world will eventually find something about the other person that pushes their buttons, or that downright bothers them.
If a few of these things pile up, it can really start to affect a person’s outlook towards their partner.
So if you feel like your girlfriend hates you, think about your interactions with her.
In particular, consider if she has repeatedly told you about things you do or say that bother her.
If she has, have you changed your behavior? Perhaps you didn’t understand how serious the issue is to her, and continue doing what she doesn’t like.
If this has gone on for a long time, she may have given up on calmly telling you what she doesn’t like, and morphed into nagging, eye-rolling, or sarcastic comments instead. So consider what she told you in the past and how she acts in the present.
Even if you have tried changing your behavior, it’s a good idea to check with her to see if this is the change she had in mind. Sometimes we interpret things differently than someone meant them. So you may believe that you fixed a problem, while she may not see any difference.
If, on the other hand, you don’t recall any instance when she shared something you do that she doesn’t like, you can check if this is the case or not by asking her.
She’ll surely appreciate that you’re putting in the effort and care to listen to her and look for solutions.
5) You have an unresolved conflict
In healthy relationships, conflicts are resolved and then put to rest.
But if they are left unresolved, emotions can fester and ferment, even for years. Over time, this can build resentment that can result in her acting like she hates you.
Maybe it’s a promise that you broke to her, making her trust you less. Without hearing from you if you understand how you hurt her and that you regret your actions, she may feel unheard and on guard around you as she’s worried you might do it again.
Often, issues like this are something obvious and serious, like a past infidelity. Even if you’ve spoken about it in the past, she may still feel like it’s unresolved if she didn’t hear from you what she needed to hear, or if she feels like you don’t fully understand her pain.
On the other hand, the problem could even be something that seems inconsequential to you, but affected her deeply emotionally.
One of my friends experienced this. Her boyfriend’s family member said something to her that she perceived as horribly mean and disrespectful. But for some reason, her boyfriend didn’t seem to make much of it, and waved it off when she told him.
This hurt her deeply because she was expecting her boyfriend to stand on her side, and at the very least tell her that he’s sorry his family member said that to her and that he will definitely speak up if something similar happens again.
She brought it up to him a few times, but he brushed it off and was getting increasingly annoyed that she wouldn’t let it go.
If he could pause to notice that something is truly bothering her and open himself up to fully listening, they could put this problem to rest and prevent resentment from building up in her.
6) She feels like you’re mistreating her
Aside from annoying tendencies, or an unresolved issue in the past, the reason why your girlfriend hates you could also be your overall treatment of her.
Whether you believe it to be true or not, if she feels like you’re mistreating her, it will definitely show in her behavior towards you.
I’ve heard many variations of this:
- She feels like you don’t listen to her
- She feels like you’re taking advantage of her
- She feels like you don’t prioritize her
- She feels like you constantly criticize her
- She feels like you’re overly controlling or jealous
- She feels like you’re manipulative
Notice that these notes mention “she feels like” — so her perception may be different from what you believe to be true.
However, if she has strong feelings about something, they come from somewhere. You may be doing something you don’t even realize that is making her feel this way, and she deserves to be heard out.
When you both have time to have a calm conversation, bring up that you’ve noticed a change in her attitude towards you, and ask her if it’s due to something you do that bothers her.
Make sure you do this with genuine curiosity. After all, you can only fix a problem if you find out what it is.
7) She’s triggered by previous experiences
Nobody likes past baggage in a new relationship — but maybe she’s carrying some without even being aware of it.
Anyone who has a “failed” relationship has probably been hurt, but some issues cut much deeper and are much harder to get over than others.
If she has been deeply affected by a relationship in the past, she may have even buried it deep inside her. This isn’t necessarily something she did on purpose — it can be very hard to deal with some issues, so it happens as a result of trying to move on.
And then, these issues bubble back up to the surface, often when a person gets settled into a new relationship.
This is partially what happened to me in my relationship, as I mentioned above. I didn’t even realize that a few seemingly harmless things were triggering past pain and traumas to come up, and they were deeply affecting how we were interacting as a couple.
Like I mentioned above, what helped me — and what I recommend to anyone going through relationship troubles — is speaking to a professional relationship coach.
The company I tried is Relationship Hero, and it’s the only one I’ll ever need to try as they went above and beyond my expectations.
They didn’t give me cookie-cutter advice, but took the time to really understand the issues my partner and I were going through. I could tell they genuinely cared, and as a result they were able to give us excellent advice on how to move forward.
We went from feeling stuck and hopeless to rediscovering the passion and enthusiasm that we initially had for each other. I really can’t thank them enough.
If you also feel like you’ve hit a wall, I highly recommend you reach out to Relationship Hero too and give them a chance. It could be what saves your relationship and makes it better than it ever was before.
8) She’s gotten too comfortable in the relationship
This last reason for why your girlfriend hates you is something I saw in the relationship of a good friend of mine.
He was dating a young woman who seemed very sweet when he was getting to know her. But as the months went on, she became more comfortable in the relationship and her real personality started coming out.
She started being irritated with him very often, and snapped at him on more than a few occasions.
She didn’t put a lot of effort or care into the relationship anymore, and it seemed like she started taking him for granted.
Honestly, I have to say I did see this from his side too. Change like this is rarely one-sided, as both partners respond to each other and constantly define and redefine what behavior they accept from each other.
But the fact is, she had it in her personality to act this way in the first place — and so did her boyfriend.
It may take time until you discover your girlfriend’s true personality, and maybe it happens to be a difficult one.
At the start of a relationship, people are often on their best behavior, or overcome by positive hormones, but when they get comfortable, you discover who they really are.
If this is the case, then there may not be anything to fix — though there are still certainly ways to work on the relationship and infuse more love and passion into it.
How to fix things with your girlfriend when she hates you
There’s one thing that is a surefire way to improve any relationship: good communication.
I mean, think about it. Have you ever met a couple that has broken up because “we just communicated too well, and my partner understood me too deeply?”
No way! That’s because communication is always the solution, not the problem.
But that’s where things get tricky.
If issues have been going on for a long time, or have hurt someone deeply, it can be very difficult to communicate effectively about them.
I realized this myself in my own relationship. In my case, I knew I was out of my depth, and that if I wanted to give my relationship the proper shot that it deserved, I had to go to an expert who knew far better than me.
For me, that expert was my coach at Relationship Hero, and it’s the only one I’ll ever need.
I’ve already explained above how radically they’ve improved my relationship.
If you’re also struggling with issues in your relationship, you don’t have to go through them alone. Reaching out to Relationship Hero will give you an ally who genuinely cares about you and not only roots for you to succeed, but gives you the insight you need to do it as well.
At least, that was my own experience with them. See for yourself, and I’m willing to bet you won’t regret it for a second.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
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