Pearl Nash
Getting back together with an ex is not something you should consider lightly.
Make sure that you think deeply about why you want them back. Doing so can either result either in something magical or troublesome—or both.
There can be countless reasons why you just can’t get over your ex. Here are some of the most common ones.
15 reasons people reunite with their exes
For certain, such relationships almost always have some form of uncertainty about it.
If two partners can’t decide whether they want to stay away from each other or stay together, they are unsure of their own thoughts and feelings.
Are they not able to break away from the familiarity of having the other person?
Are they afraid they won’t find love again?
Or maybe they feel like they can fix the problems that led to the break-up in the first place?
Here are the main reasons you just can’t stay away from each other.
1) Being alone makes you uncomfortable
The thought of being or remaining single makes you uncomfortable—maybe even terrified. You feel that you need a romantic partner to not feel lonely.
The fact that you need to be in a relationship to not be lonely is a myth.
However…
While being in a relationship surely has its joys, it also has its downsides.
You need to be comfortable living alone, as it presents opportunities for self-growth and self-discovery that you won’t have while being committed.
In fact, if you find yourself uncomfortable being single, you most likely don’t feel “whole” on your own and need someone else to “complete” you.
This s a bad sign and means that you need to be more mature before you enter into another relationship.
2) You don’t want to hurt your partner
Some people prioritize other people’s feelings over their own. They find it hard to say no or to put themselves first.
Why so?
Often it’s because they’re afraid that they’ll hurt the other party, even if they’re already hurting themselves by staying. They feel like they will be overwhelmed with guilt if they leave, even if the relationship is already abusive.
Advice for this situation is the following.
You should never compromise yourself to such an extent, even when in a relationship. And this goes for all kinds of relationships, even with family and friends.
3) Nostalgia for the “honeymoon” stage
Maybe you ended things because you felt that the relationship lost its flame. It got too dull and boring once you’ve spent a lot of time with it each other.
Now, you’re starting to crave it again and think that you’ll get that so-called “flame” back if you
reunite. However, there is no guarantee that that second honeymoon phase will even occur.
In fact…
Even if it does, it won’t last as long or as intensely as the original one.
What you’re craving is the thrill of new romance, and not an actual committed relationship, so you just might be fooling both yourself and your partner.
How to deal with it?
You two need to be honest and realistic about what you need in a relationship. If you broke up, then you likely weren’t able to meet each other’s needs in the first place.
If you reconnect without evaluating these things, then you are setting yourself up for another break-up and even more pain.
4) You’re afraid of never finding love again
This is one of the most common fears that prevent people from breaking up for good. However, you need to understand that staying with someone out of fear—and not out of love—is never a good thing.
Think about it.
Your relationship with your ex was special in many ways. Maybe you even thought that they were the ones.
But if you’ve been breaking up and reconnecting constantly, then you should also know deep inside that your relationship isn’t sustainable in the long run.
There’s no reason to believe that you won’t be able to find love again in the future.
In fact…
Now that you’ve learned from your past relationships, you’ll be better equipped to make the most out of your future ones.
5) You believe your ex has changed
This isn’t to say that people can’t change for the better. Break-ups can be an illuminating process for people to learn more about themselves and to further mature.
On the other hand…
If you’ve constantly been breaking up and reconnecting, then there’s a good chance that they’ll likely never learn.
At least not soon enough.
How many times can you say that “this time, they’ve really changed!”
If you’re getting back together, completely evaluate first if this is truly the case. If they haven’t changed—and it’s likely that they haven’t—then you’re simply wasting your time and effort.
That’s tough to hear, we know.
6) You’ll get jealous when your ex sees someone else
It’s not easy to see an ex completely move on from you and begin dating again—especially if you’re still getting over the relationship.
This doesn’t mean that you should get back though. It simply means that you need more time to properly move on yourself.
Remember…
Breaking up is a form of loss. It’s normal to be sad that someone walking out of your life, even if this includes some uncertainty. Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve.
7) Changing life circumstances
It’s possible that there was never really any significant problem between the two of you. Rather, the obstacle was external.
For example, you might have:
- Planned to attend different schools;
- Gotten a great job offer abroad;
- Realized you wanted to live in different places;
- Realized that you wanted different things in life (such as kids).
If things are temporary—like studying abroad for one semester or only working abroad for a few months—then, it’s completely understandable to have an off-phase.
But if they’re more permanent, long-term stuff like having kids or moving away for good, then maybe it was never meant to be.
8) You don’t want to let go of the familiarity
Perhaps you’ve been together with your ex for so long that you’ve gotten used to them being a pillar of your life.
Breaking up thus leaves a hole in your heart that you don’t know how to deal with.
Maybe you think that they make you feel safe, and it’s normal to want to be with someone who feels at home.
But ask yourself honestly: do they really feel like home or are you just afraid of change?
It’s tough to go through change. It takes a lot of strength. But if that’s the right thing to do, then you should do it no matter what.
9) You let your emotions control you
Emotions are powerful things—sometimes too powerful.
Texting one’s ex when you’re lonely or drunk (or both) is not that uncommon, but that doesn’t make it any less of a mistake.
You see…
Whenever you let your emotions take over your decision-making in such a way, you’re temporarily rationalizing away all the problems of the relationship.
If and when you do get back with them, you’ll be slapped in the face with all the unresolved issues and you’ll likely regret it.
In such cases, you got back together with them because of impulses, not because it’s something that you believe is the right thing to do.
10) It’s thrilling to get back together
It’s no coincidence that many love stories on TV have couples breaking up and reuniting. Such events are dramatic and entertaining to watch.
In the same vein, this is why you keep getting back with your ex: there’s a certain thrill to these on-and-off cycles, even if you know deep inside that it’s toxic.
In reality…
There will come a time when any relationship will not be as exciting or as novel as when it began. Any couple must find ways to keep things exciting and keep the flame alive.
There are many ways to do this instead of constantly fighting:
- Planning dates you’ve never tried before;
- Traveling to different places;
- Reliving old experiences;
- Experimenting with sex.
11) You continue having sex after your break-up
It’s understandable that you just want some sexual gratification, but completely delineating the physical from the emotional is not as easy as it seems.
In fact…
Sex inevitably causes your brain to produce chemicals such as oxytocin which makes you feel bonded to your sexual partner.
This goes for both you and your partner.
So, having intimacy after the break-up may make you want to get back together on the hormonal level.
And that’s hard to resist.
12) You feel rejected
Social butterflies tend to take rejections very badly. Break-ups, in particular, can feel like an intense form of rejection for them.
After all, they feel that it happened because something is wrong with them or that they are not enough.
In truth…
It usually has nothing to do with you and the two of you just might generally be incompatible as romantic partners.
Be careful about getting back with an ex.
Think deeply about it.
Is it because you think you can make it work with that person this time around?
Or are you just craving the sense of approval and affirmation that comes with a relationship?
13) Feelings about the breakup haven’t been properly processed yet
One might think that dwelling on the past is counter-productive to moving on from it.
However, having enough time to properly feel your emotions and learn from past experiences is crucial to being able to face the future.
A 2015 study from Northwestern University supports this, as they found that reflecting on the end of a relationship can help you feel less lonely.
As ironic as it may sound, the more you want to return to your ex, the more you should probably think about them!
The more and longer you do so, the more clearly you will think about them as well, leading you to make the right decisions.
14) You forgot the relationship’s problems
Now that you’re away from your ex, it’s understandable if you miss them regularly.
However, this might lead to you only remembering the good parts of the relationship and forgetting all the problems that likely led to its end.
Such issues will likely resurface if you get back together with them, and you will have an even harder time solving them if you had the idealistic, nostalgic mindset we talked about above.
So, what do you do?
If you feel like you to run it back for a second round, be more prudent and realistic about the problems between the two of you.
Be even more active in solving these issues, or else it will probably end up in another break-up.
15) You think he’s the one
Even if you loved your ex to death to the point that you believe your soulmates, the truth is that love isn’t enough to hold a relationship on its own.
A relationship is more than just emotions and affection.
You need to evaluate your past relationship objectively.
Look at it from an outside perspective to see all the things that didn’t work. You will likely see a very long list of issues that led to your break-up in the first place.
These things will not simply go away with the power of love if you decide to get back with them.
What if we’re already back together?
Although we’ve largely spoken against getting back together, it doesn’t mean that it’s always a bad idea.
Going through a breakup could strengthen a couple’s resolve to commit to each other and do it right this time.
Ideally, they should have also gained some wisdom and understanding about each other and the past problems of the relationship.
This should theoretically make it easier to acknowledge and solve these issues during this time around.
Give it time
As lovely as this sounds, it’s not as easy as it sounds and there will still be some problems:
- Firstly, breaking up and getting back together is a wild emotional roller coaster ride for both people. This could cause feelings of doubt and insecurity about whether this was the right move or not.
- Secondly, it’s essential to know that acknowledging a problem and solving it are two different things. On-again couples might find that the same issues and incompatibilities emerge, and realize that they are just too difficult to fix.
Another concern might be that their families or parents might express worry instead of support for such a decision.
Give it time to get back to the normal stage, when you’re just enjoying each other’s company.
Explore your own feelings
Whether you’re considering returning to your partner or have already reunited with them, ask yourself the following questions.
It should help you either decide whether to reunite or improve your relationship if you’ve already gotten back together:
- What were the main reasons for your breakup?
- Are you idealizing your ex?
- Do you love them or the feeling of being in a relationship?
- What are the changes that led you to think the relationship will succeed this time?
- Are these changes enough in the long term?
- In what ways has your partner improved to be a better lover?
- In what ways have you improved as a better lover?
- Can you rebuild trust and intimacy?
- How willing are you to fix the issues that led to the breakup?
- How realistic is it for you to fix these issues?
The problems in your past relationship will still be there if you go for round two.
Working on them as soon as possible is of utmost importance if you want to succeed this time.
You need to reenter this relationship as better and more mature people compared to your past selves. If not, then you will likely end up in another breakup.
Change how he feels around you
When someone tries to convince you of something, it’s human nature to always come up with a counterargument.
Focus instead on changing the way he feels. To do this, simply change the emotions he associates with you and make him picture a whole new relationship with you.
In his excellent short video, James Bauer gives you a step-by-step method for changing the way your ex feels about you. He reveals the texts you can send and things you can say that will trigger something deep inside him.
Because once you paint a new picture about what your life together could be like, his emotional walls won’t stand a chance.
Watch his excellent free video here.
Is it okay to have sex with an ex?
People have wildly varying opinions about this matter.
Although you can ask your friends about their opinions, the choice is still yours and only you will face the consequences of your actions.
It’s, therefore, crucial to be honest about yourself about why you’re considering having sex with your ex.
Do you simply want sexual gratification from someone who knows your body and who you have good sexual chemistry with?
Or are you secretly craving the intimacy you once shared with them?
Missing intimate moments with your ex is completely normal. They are, after all, some of the most intense moments of love and attachment that you’ve experienced with them.
However, you need to know that considering sex with them is a form of romanticizing the past relationship.
This makes it incredibly difficult to completely move on from them.
Having sex with them is the most counter-productive thing you can do if you want to finally let them go in your life.
If you feel that you can have sex with them without reigniting deeper feelings of love and attachment, then ensure to set clear boundaries and expectations between the two of you.
Try to keep it short and infrequent, if not completely temporary altogether.
But if you catch yourself starting to develop unwanted feelings again, then you should stop immediately.
You’ve got back together but your relationship is stuck?
Relationships can be confusing and frustrating. Sometimes you’ve hit a wall and you really don’t know what to do next.
I know that I was always skeptical about getting outside help until I actually tried it out.
Relationship Hero is the best site I’ve found for love coaches who aren’t just talking. They have seen it all, and they know all about how to tackle difficult situations like where to start if you’ve got together after a break-up.
Personally, I tried them last year while going through the mother of all crises in my own love life. They managed to break through the noise and give me real solutions.
My coach was kind, they took the time to really understand my unique situation, and gave genuinely helpful advice.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
How to finally stop the cycle
If you’re reading this and haven’t given in to the temptation to get back with them, then we’re proud of you.
We’re here to support you.
Here’s what you should do to not only resist the next attack of nostalgia, regret, or loneliness but also move on completely for good.
Let yourself grieve
As powerful as your emotions might be, you don’t need to let them dictate your actions. Most of the time, you simply need to feel them.
It might your gut instinct to immediately try “solving” your sadness.
However, your emotions are not a problem. They are a natural result of the loss you feel after a break-up.
Give yourself enough time and space to sit with them Don’t judge yourself for being emotional or petty.
Doing this is critical for your mental and emotional health—as well as crucial for you to be able to move on.
Remember why you broke up in the first place
Loneliness can make you forget all the bad experiences that led to the breakup.
Remember what made the two of you break up and why you thought it was the right thing to do at the time.
Likely, there’s no reason to think that you were wrong. It was most probably still the right decision. Your emotions are simply clouding these thoughts.
Evaluate your emotions
Impulsive, emotionally-driven thinking is what usually leads to reunions with an ex.
While you need to allow yourself to feel your emotions about your ex, you also need to evaluate them logically. Here are a few questions you need to ask yourself to do so:
- Did you feel like your authentic self with them?
- Were you compatible in all areas of life?
- Do you miss this person or just the affection that comes with being in a relationship?
- Would you want a friend to get back with your ex if they were you?
Know how to deal with intrusive thoughts
Although we said that it’s important to sit with your feelings, sometimes you also need to step away or distract yourself from intrusive thoughts.
For example, if you catch yourself fantasizing about your ex or reminiscing old memories, it may further tempt you to get back with them.
It’s not always clear when you should let yourself feel your feelings or when you should ignore them, but it should get easier over time.
During the latter, try not to argue or reason with such thoughts. It might only create even more frustration.
Instead, distract yourself from it in the meantime or sleep on it to be able to think more clearly about them tomorrow. Maybe they’re even gone when you wake up!
Be patient
The adage “time heals all wounds” is popular for a reason.
If you find yourself conflicted, try giving yourself a lot of time. Slowly but surely, you will regain your emotional stability, self-esteem, and clarity of thought.
You will then be able to properly process your emotions and allow you to make a logical decision.
Sometimes we get caught up in trying to solve the issue as soon as possible.
Most of the time, we just need to let time do its thing.
