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Why do I care if my ex hates me? 7 possible reasons

Breaking up is never easy.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re the one to do the dumping or the other way around. It always hurts to say goodbye. Even when you know it’s for the best.

The feelings that come after can vary from relationship to relationship.

It’s common for people to hate their ex’s. From the pain of rejection to hate for the way things ended, it’s such a normal feeling to experience.

So, why do you care so much if your ex hates you?

Read on to discover why your ex might feel this way and what you can do about it.

Main reasons you care that your ex hates you

There are two main reasons that you might care that your ex hates you — and both of them have everything to do with you and nothing to do with him.

1) You feel guilty

When relationships come to an end, there’s usually something that triggers it.

This list of possibilities from one partner cheating to simply not making the time for each other. It’s very likely that you feel guilty over what happened.

Knowing that your ex hates you simply adds to that guilt.

While this isn’t the nicest feeling to drag around with you, it will go away in time. If it makes you feel any better, it’s worth reaching out and apologizing to your ex for your actions.

But, at the end of the day, you may not be able to change how he feels about you. The most important thing you can do is forgive yourself so you can find it in you to move on.

Guilt can eat away at us and can end up having a huge impact on our lives.

Try to take responsibility for your actions, acknowledge what you did and make a promise not to repeat past mistakes.

It’s all about learning and growing as a human being in the process – regardless of how your ex feels about you.

Believe it or not, it will get easier for him as well. As they say, “Time heals all wounds”. Pick yourself up, apologize and move on.

2) You have feelings for him

You may not be ready to hear this, but it’s possible you still have feelings for your ex.

Breaking up doesn’t immediately cut out all those previous feelings you felt for each other. There are so many different reasons people choose to break up, and some of them can leave you with strong feelings still there.

Knowing that your ex hates you is enough to bring out those strong feelings.

You obviously still care about your ex, so be gentle in your approach. Give them the space they need to process their own feelings, even if it hurts.

Hate is such a strong emotion.

If your ex is feeling this way about you, it’s because he cares. He probably hasn’t stopped loving you either, which is causing such a strong emotion to come out.

7 reasons your ex hates you

Before you can work on your changed relationship and learn how to get along again, it’s important to consider exactly why your ex hates you.

There are so many different reasons these feelings might surface in the first place.

Here are 7 reasons to consider:

1) You cheated on him

If you are in a committed relationship, then there’s no doubt this will hurt your partner. He loved you and trusted you, only to find out you were being dishonest behind his back.

Is it any wonder he feels hatred towards you?

He wants nothing to do with you — and while this hatred hurts — it’s best to leave him be.

If you haven’t already, it helps to apologize for your actions. But it’s important to avoid justifying your actions. This will only fuel his hatred.

Apologize. Deeply and sincerely. Then move on and know there’s nothing else you can do. The damage is already done.

2) Things didn’t end well

Ending a relationship isn’t always easy, especially when you’ve been together for many years.

At this stage in your relationship, a split involves dividing assets and working out who gets what. Of course, the two of you may not agree on this.

Here are some things to ask yourself:

  • Have you kept belongings of theirs?
  • Did you take more than your fair share in the split?
  • Is there a particular item they wanted that you kept?

All these scenarios are enough to spark hatred from your ex. Once upon a time, he loved you but now he’s just hurting. This hurt turns into hatred towards your actions.

After all, it was your actions that caused him the pain in the first place.

You have a couple of options here.

You can return what he wants, share things evenly, or move on and forget about it. If you do the latter, then you can’t blame your ex for hating you.

It’s a choice you’ve made.

3) You moved on too fast

There’s always a mourning period when a relationship ends. Usually for both parties.

Of course, how long that period goes on for is up to you and no one can dictate that!

But if you do move on quickly, expect a little backlash from your ex. Think about how you would feel if he did the same to you. It can hurt to know just how easy you are to replace.

He might be still in the process of getting over the relationship and accepting what he’s lost and it can be a punch in the gut to see your ex move on with someone new so quickly while you’re hurting.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t move on. You need to do what works for you — and this is different for everyone.

It’s more about recognizing your ex’s feelings and acknowledging how your actions may have led to him hating you.

You can always reach out and let him know you’re sorry for hurting him but it probably won’t achieve much. The damage has already been done.

Just acknowledge his feelings and move on. In time, he will too.

4) Words were thrown

It’s all too easy to get carried away in the heat of the moment during a breakup.

Things are often said, that we don’t entirely mean. But by the time we calm down and realize this, the damage has already been done.

You may not even remember half the things you said. After all, you were likely just trying to hit him where it hurts. This is a reflex we often have when we’re hurting as well.

But, we can guarantee this: he likely remembers every single word.

The same way you would remember every negative thing he ever said about you.

When it’s about us, we take it personally, which is why it stays so fresh in our own minds. But, when we throw out meaningless words against someone else, we generally forget what we say. It’s a heat of the moment thing.

If you honestly can’t remember, it might help to ask him.

Or simply apologize for any hurtful words in general. Let him know that you didn’t mean it. Explain that it was said in anger. He’ll probably understand and appreciate the apology.

5) Mutual friends are on your side

If you were in a long-term relationship, then there’s no doubt that you built up some good mutual friends in that time.

After the breakup, those mutual friends may have jumped on your side and no longer see him.

While this is a win for you, there’s no doubt it hurts for him. That hurt might even turn into hate. You’ve taken away some important people for him.

It’s up to you whether or not you want to make it work.

Can your mutual friends stay mutual?

How much would it hurt for him to also be invited to mutual parties and occasions?

Could you make it work?

Don’t feel pressured to. Your friends made a choice and that choice was you. This isn’t your fault and it’s not something you have to fix.

6) You’ve talked them down

If there’s one thing we all like to do a little of, it’s bad mouth our ex.

Why do we do it? Because it makes us feel a lot better afterward.

Our friends often join in too. They tell us why he was never good enough and focus on all the bad things he ever did.

This is all part of the process of moving on and getting over him. It’s much easier if we begin to see him in a bad light. But, you might have gone a little too far with that bad-mouthing.

Perhaps you took it to social media. Or maybe you brought his friends into the picture. Both these are enough to make him hate you for it.

Talking him down in public is enough to make anyone angry.

If you’re looking to make amends, then it can help to make a public apology for what you said.

Airing dirty laundry is never a great thing to do, no matter how the relationship ended. At the same time, you don’t have to be sorry for it.

Own what you did and move on. Just don’t get hung up on why your ex hates you for it.

7) You got them in trouble

When it comes to our partners, we often know almost everything little thing about them.

When we breakup, we do have the power to cause some damage with these little secrets they let you in on.

For example, do they often fake calling in sick to work? Or do they avoid going over their mothers’ for Sunday dinner with some excuse?

It’s all too tempting as an ex to dish the dirt on these secrets and cause him some trouble. After all, you’re hurting.

If you’ve gone ahead and done this, then you can’t blame the guy for feeling some hatred towards you. Your actions have consequences for them and they won’t be too ready to forgive for what you have done.

If you now regret it, the best thing you can do is say sorry and leave them be. No amount of apologizing can undo what has already been done.

4 tips to help you move on

Now you have a good idea of exactly why your ex hates you and why you care he has these feelings, it’s time to work out how you can move on.

Sometimes, it’s better just to walk away and leave things be. He may want nothing to do with you anymore and there’s no point pushing that.

On the other hand, if you still have feelings for your ex, you might be looking for ways to make amends.

No matter how you’re looking to move on — with or without him — here are some tips to ease the process.

4 tips to help you get along with your ex:

1) Don’t share the hate

Just because your ex hates you, it doesn’t mean you have to hate him right back. It can be tempting though.

Even just knowing someone hates you can automatically make you share that same feeling back. But don’t fall into this trap.

Instead, try and work out why he hates you in the first place. Use the tips above to pinpoint where you hurt him and see if you can make amends.

It’s up to you whether or not you actually feel sorry for your actions and want to apologize for them. But you do need to own them, whether you’re sorry or not.

Hating your ex won’t make you feel any better either. You can’t control how he feels. You can simply apologize (if you choose to) and move on.

2) Avoid too much contact

It can be horrible knowing that someone you once loved or had strong feelings for, for now, hates you.

You might feel tempted to do everything in your power to make things right between the two of you.

You call him.

You text him.

You go over to his house.

You’re desperate to say sorry and make the guilt go away. The problem is, he doesn’t want to hear it. And you can’t make him. If you keep trying to contact him, all you’re doing is making things worse.

As soon as hate comes into the relationship, there’s not much you can do to change his mind.

And trying to do so will likely make him hate you more. It helps to cut all ties so both of you can heal. Take him off social media, delete his number from your phone, and avoid hanging out in the same social circles.

If there’s something you can do to make your ex feel better, then by all means go ahead and try it. But if you’re only hoping to make yourself feel better, then leave it be.

It might hurt to move on, but you will get there.

3) Focus on you

No matter what you do, there may be no way to make your ex forgive you and stop hating you. The best thing you can do is stop focusing on it.

The more you think about it, the more you allow it to eat away at you and get in the way of living your life. Instead, focus on yourself. Focus on being happy.

Pick up a hobby and distract yourself from your feelings. This is the easiest way to put the past behind you and to rid yourself of any guilt you might be feeling.

Here are some things you can consider:

  • Take up a hobby: crafting, photography, needlepoint, art… the options are endless. Think of something you’ve always want to do and give it a go.
  • Go out with the girls: there’s no better way to distract yourself from your thoughts than by getting out there and seeing your friends. You can also talk through your feelings and find a way to move on.
  • Make some changes: if the guilt is eating away at you then consider making some changes in your life that make you happy. This might be a career change, a home change, or something else big. Find what makes you happy and go for it.

4) Consider therapy

If you aren’t able to shake the feelings of guilt or love that you have for your ex (whichever one it might be), then professional counseling might be your best bet.

It’s a chance to work through your feelings and get to the root of them before they consume your life.

You might just need that extra support to get you through the breakup and to help you move on with your life. Talking to a stranger can be extremely beneficial.

Dealing with hate

Hate is such a strong feeling. It’s no wonder you care that your ex hates you. No matter how that relationship ended, no one wants to be hated.

It’s important to recognize that despite your best efforts, you have no control over his feelings.

As much as you want to change them, the best thing you can do is accept them and give him the space he needs.

Turn that focus on you and give yourself all the love you need to move past this hate.

Remember, he’s your ex for a reason, so don’t let him control your life when you aren’t even together anymore.

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Felicity Frankish

Written by Felicity Frankish

My name is Felicity (Flick) Frankish and I am mum to Cassandra, Vivienne and Elliot. After studying journalism and digital media, I naturally fell into the online world - and hasn't left since!

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