Pearl Nash
Do you sometimes feel like a magnet to married men?
It’s almost like unavailable guys can track you down in a crowd.
If you are wondering why married men seem to seek you out (and exactly how to put a stop to it) you’re in the right place.
Why do I attract married men?
It may feel like you’ve got some kind of hidden tracking device that married men are using to hunt you down, but I assure you that’s not the case.
There may not be one sole reason responsible for why married men always seem to cross your path. Instead, it’s probably a combination of factors.
Before we dive into the possible reasons why a woman attracts married men, it’s important to say one thing. These reasons aren’t something you’re doing “wrong”.
Some could be a natural side effect of things that make you seem like a great catch for any man (including the married ones).
But understanding all the reasons why may help you identify some of the more subtle or hidden reasons that you haven’t been aware of up until now.
By finding out why you could be inadvertently attracting unavailable guys, you can then take charge and finally allow into your life the type of man and relationship you want and deserve.
11 reasons why you’re attracting married men
1) You’re friendly and open
Sadly there will always be men who misinterpret friendliness and warmth for something else.
Having an energetically open personality means you are attractive to all kinds of people in general.
Whilst you think extending the hand of friendship to a married man is clearly just an invitation of friendship — after all, he is married — he isn’t necessarily thinking the same thing.
Yes, we live in the 21st century when men and women can be friends. But for some guys, that’s not what is on their minds.
Does that mean you should be more guarded and closed off around men, especially once you know he is married? Absolutely not.
Being friendly and kind towards someone is not an invitation for anything else. If he interprets it as more, then that’s on him and not you.
Please don’t start blaming yourself for being too nice to a married man if he mistakes the signs.
The unfortunate truth is he may not be used to female attention anymore as a married man, and so jumps on any he gets as an opportunity for something else.
2) You’re avoiding difficult questions
Married men on the lookout for an affair prefer non-demanding women. Let me be clear, that certainly doesn’t mean weak women.
What it means is they don’t want to start something that creates trouble for themselves. So they know they’re better off with a woman who can be discreet and won’t ask too much of them.
If you meet unavailable guys and only discover later that they’re married, ask yourself this: Are you avoiding the challenging questions?
When you’re dating a guy are you comfortable asking him about his relationship history, and what he is looking for? Are you happy to let it be known what you want from a relationship?
Sometimes women don’t like to ask too many questions as they want to look cool and casual, and are worried about scaring a guy off.
But this can also perfectly suit an unavailable guy. He can get to know you without being confronted by any tricky questions.
If you’re constantly attracting married men, then you need to make sure you are doing some proper vetting beforehand.
If a guy is determined to lie, then obviously there is nothing you can do. But being prepared to step up and ask some straightforward questions can help scare off the ones that have something to hide.
3) You’re emotionally unavailable
If there are some deeper psychological reasons at play for why you seem to attract married men, then you need to do some soul searching.
Confession…
For years I felt like I was attracting emotionally unavailable men who struggled to commit. Then one day I had a lightning realization when someone asked me:
“Do you think you are emotionally available?”
I had been focusing on what kind of guys I ended up with, but not thinking about my part in why I was finding these types of men. Why do I attract unavailable guys? The reality is that like attracts like.
It can be tempting to quickly dismiss a suggestion that you are unavailable too. After all, you are not the one who is married.
But sometimes we say we want something, yet at the same time, we are scared of it. This can create subconscious patterns. As clinical psychologist Roxy Zarrabi points out:
“Perhaps you consciously want commitment, but deep down you fear true intimacy, losing your sense of self in the relationship, or getting hurt. As a result, it may feel safer to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable, because you know on some level that you don’t have to fully commit to the other person.”
4) You’re a challenge to them
Perhaps they see you as the independent type. You’re single and not tied down like he is. You represent carefree days he is romanticizing and reminiscing about.
Married men who actively chase women are looking for excitement and the thrill of the chase.
An independent woman can seem like the perfect challenge. Trying to win you over somehow offers him affirmation that he’s still got what it takes.
After years out of the dating game, some married men are looking for an ego boost. They want to know they are still attractive to women.
Going after you proves to themselves that they are.
5) You’re in the wrong place at the wrong time
As I said at the start of this article, it’s the wrong approach to search for ways to blame yourself if you are meeting mainly married men when you really don’t want to.
Sometimes it’s more about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. And sometimes certain things about your lifestyle may more frequently put you in the wrong place at the wrong time.
For example, maybe you’re single at an age where a lot of people around you happen to be married.
Perhaps you work in a largely male environment, where you are surrounded by lots of married men on a daily basis.
6) You need to bolster your boundaries
Boundaries are super important. They are the clear line we draw to signal to others what we will and will not accept.
But people-pleasing has an unfortunate habit of eroding our boundaries. It can lead us to tolerate things we’re really not ok with. All the while, you tell yourself you are just trying to be easy-going, or nice.
For example, if a married man makes a comment to you that feels inappropriate are you more likely to try and laugh it off?
Perhaps you make a joke about him being a dirty old man but deep down don’t feel comfortable. Maybe you go all shy and retreat into yourself because you want him to stop.
Sadly some men are simply chancers who will prey on women who they think they can push their luck with.
Why do married guys hit on me? The honest truth is there is no singular answer. But if they do, that’s not your fault. How others behave toward you is on them, and never on you.
But creating healthy boundaries and refusing to tolerate behavior that leaves you uncomfortable can help you to better handle unwanted attention when it comes your way.
The remedy is finding your voice and learning to firmly say no to anything you do not want. You don’t have to put up with it.
Nip it in the bud as soon as a married man crosses any line with you. You don’t have to be friends with him. And you certainly shouldn’t worry about trying to turn down his advances in a “polite” way.
7) You’re flirty towards married men
Please know that this is not an accusation, it’s merely something for your consideration. And that’s whether you are a natural flirt?
Even if you are a bit flirty, that’s obviously not the green light for them to take things any further.
But here’s the thing:
Some women can feel like flirting with a married man is harmless fun. Whilst it may mean nothing to you, it might send them different signals.
We’re not talking about being friendly or chatty, we’re talking about actual flirting.
What counts as flirting? Well, that can be tricky to define. So rather than focus on specific actions, it can be easier to focus on the intention behind it.
If you are actively looking to get the attention of a married man, it’s probably considered flirting.
8) You’re using online dating apps
This reason is zero to do with you, and everything to do with the online dating culture. In a nutshell, it can make lying and cheating easier.
The reality is that technology makes it easier than ever before to have an affair. Not only does it make sneaking around much easier. But it is also so much easier to go in search of other women.
It might sound like a shocking statistic, but research from GlobalWebIndex claimed that around 30% of Tinder users they surveyed were married, while another 12% were in a relationship. That would mean as many as 42% of all users were unavailable.
To be fair, their study was only based on as little as 1,282 active Tinder users. Whilst the online platform has literally tens of millions of users worldwide. So it’s not clear how representative that is.
But what it does highlight is that the face of modern dating has also changed the practicalities of infidelity.
That means it is not necessarily you that attracts married men, it could be that married men find it easier now to find you.
9) You don’t feel worthy of more
Do you feel deserving of all the things you are looking for in love?
The attention that married men can lay on a woman he is pursuing may make her feel special. In some ways, it may feel like this guy is choosing you. He wants you over his own wife.
They may make more of an effort to be “charming” or to “woo” you.
It’s almost as though his actions prove that you really are loveable. Perhaps because deep down you question that you are.
Even if you don’t want to be with a married man, that attention can feel good. It can serve as an ego boost, and make you feel validated in some way.
Your underlying relationship with yourself impacts on every other relationship you have, including your romantic relationships.
If you find yourself being drawn to married men or flattered by their advances, ask yourself why? Does part of you feel wanted by their attention?
If it does, then working on your own self-esteem, self-worth and self-love can help.
10) You’re a cool girl
What I mean by “a cool girl” is that men see you as free-spirited, open-minded, and fun. All of which are great traits. Yet again, there’s not a lot you can (or should do) about that.
These days alternative lifestyles are more accepted. That includes non-traditional relationships, polyamory, open relationships, etc.
We’ve already talked about how the online world also facilitates less conservative attitudes around relationships.
Without any defined labels about what is proper and appropriate, there’s a lot more leeway for men with wives and girlfriends to be fairly bold about infidelity.
Married men may mistakenly assume that easy-going, open-minded women are more likely to entertain the idea of some no strings attached fun on the side.
11) You’re drawn to them too
Maybe you don’t simply attract married men, maybe they also attract you?
Attraction is complex. We often say things like “we just clicked” or “we just get each other”. But as mystifying as love can feel, there are reasons behind our choices.
Research has shown that the family role models for romantic relationships we had growing up become the framework we use for our adult relationship patterns too.
Often we’re drawn to partners who resemble behaviors or traits of our parents or primary carers. We feel drawn to certain types of people because they quite literally feel like home to us.
All the experiences you have around love and relationships shape the subconscious beliefs that silently program you behind the scenes.
Experts estimate that our subconscious pulls as much as 95% of the strings in our brain. With only around 5% of the things that you do a conscious decision. That’s incredibly powerful.
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking ‘Why do I keep falling for married guys?’ then the answer could be that something they represent to you feels appealing somehow. It is familiar to you from your past.
Your subconscious likes familiarity. It does not distinguish between what is familiar and good or familiar and bad. That is why your conscious brain might want to break the pattern, but your subconscious behavior seems to fight it.
“I attract taken guys” Here’s how to fix it…
1) Understand how your past impacts your present
I’ve already touched on how psychology powerfully impacts why we are drawn to certain people, without even realizing it.
If you can already recognize destructive patterns, this may be something you want to discuss with a therapist.
Changing our deeply ingrained beliefs isn’t always quick and easy. But simply being consciously aware of our unhealthy drives in life can help us make different choices in the future.
Knowing why you feel a certain way is always the start. It is possible to reprogramme your beliefs to create ones that better serve you.
2) Take your time
If you find yourself ending up with unavailable guys all the time, then this is for you.
They say that only fools rush in, right? Romance can undoubtedly be intoxicating. There is always the risk that we dive straight in rather than taking our time.
Married men are often in a hurry. They come on strong. That’s because they’re not looking to create real and lasting foundations.
But instead of going too fast, slow down the whole process of dating. Slowly get to know guys so that you can find out about them.
Be wary of the men that are moving at 100 miles an hour. Rather than their passion, their speed could be more a sign of their impatience.
A guy who is available to build a real relationship won’t mind taking his time.
3) Take control
Attraction is a two-way street. That means ultimately, attracting married men isn’t a problem. The only real problem is choosing them.
Take matters into your own hands and when you meet someone you are attracted to, be the one who approaches them.
If you don’t like the guys who are “choosing” you, then do the choosing yourself.
Perhaps it is easier for cheating men to find the confidence to approach you because they are less emotionally invested in the outcome. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t countless guys out there who would jump at the chance to date you.
Take charge and do the asking. Just be sure to find out their relationship status from the get-go.
