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15 reasons why you can’t get laid (and what to do about it)

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You’ve tried everything from dating apps to endlessly trawling bars. Nothing seems to work.

You can’t help but wonder to yourself, why can’t I get laid?

If you’re having trouble getting laid, don’t worry — there are ways to fix it.

15 reasons why you can’t get laid (and what to do about it)

1) You’re coming across as low status

This one is at the top of the list because it is huge.

The perceived status you have heavily impacts how attractive women will think you are.

But don’t be fooled by the word status.

We’re not talking about the need to be rich, successful, or strikingly good-looking. You don’t need to be “alpha” or spend 12 hours a day at the gym.

This type of status is given off entirely through your behavior.

The way you interact with people will either give them the impression that you are a powerful person, or not.

Rather than be about having any real power or status, it’s all a matter of perception.

Certain actions, behaviors, and even body language come across as low status to women. Whilst others are seen as high status.

If you are struggling to attract women and get laid, you might be unwittingly presenting yourself as low status, which is a big turn-off.

How to fix it:

This is so simple to correct once you start to notice the ways you may be giving off low-status signals to women.

And some may surprise you.

Because rather than being seen as high status, things like bravado or acting macho are actually read as low status.

Why? They’re seen as a cry for attention. Something truly high-status individuals don’t need to do.

Here are some low-status behaviors to look out for and avoid:

  • Trying to take up as little space as possible
  • Being defensive in discussions or arguments
  • Staying silent or hardly saying anything
  • Speaking overly loud or in a really quiet voice
  • Avoiding eye contact
  • Oversharing information
  • Showing off and trying to impress
  • Being overly emotional
  • Fidgeting
  • Being overly agreeable
  • Seeming nervous and anxious

In contrast, here are some high-status behaviors that are interpreted by women as powerful:

  • Making eye contact
  • Taking up physical space and stretching out your limbs
  • Keeping certain information to yourself (not divulging everything)
  • Emotional composure
  • Slow movement and physical composure
  • More monotone speech
  • Choosing to ignore or deny certain requests or questions
  • Being comfortable with pauses in speech

2) You’re trying too hard

If you are constantly trying to get laid, the chances are you could be lessening your chances.

The point above about status highlights how our actions are being subtly interpreted all the time by one another.

We’re actually experts at reading each other. We had to be for the survival of our species. It helps us to suss out who to trust and who to avoid.

Nothing comes across as low status quite like an air of desperation.

People who have something to offer, and are confident in themselves don’t need to endlessly chase, beg or plead.

If you are on the prowl with the sole aim of getting laid, women can sense it.

How to fix it:

I’m aware that saying “don’t think about getting laid” is about as useful as saying “don’t think about a pink elephant” as soon as someone mentions it.

Getting something out of your head isn’t easy when it’s on your mind.

But what you can do is manage your expectations.

Lower your standards for what you want to happen.

Rather than specifically trying to get laid, do things that are going to help you connect better with women.

For example, you might tell yourself on a night out that you’ll approach women you find attractive and just strike up a conversation.

Essentially, don’t make sex the sole purpose for what you do.

3) You’re relying on dating apps

Both anecdotally and statistically speaking, dating apps can totally suck for guys.

Don’t get me wrong, they have their own entirely unique set of problems for women too.

But for men in particular, they are not the easy source for hooking up with women that they would have you believe.

You might worry that every other dude is having success but you.

But take some comfort in the knowledge that the rest of the population isn’t doing any better on there.

In fact, some stats suggest as little as 0.6% of men are able to find partners on tinder.

Apps aren’t all bad, but it can be a needle in a haystack. They give the illusion of choice that doesn’t really exist.

And in a meat market of thousands and thousands of people, it’s very easy to get overlooked.

And all that effort that constantly feels rejected can very quickly leave you feeling deflated.

How to fix it:

Dating apps have made us a bit lazy.

We also can hide behind a screen, and that’s not necessarily doing our social skills any real favors either.

There are still advantages to meeting people offline.

It’s easier to present yourself as a full and well rounded multi-dimensional person with so much more to offer than a two-dimensional photo and a few sentences are ever going to portray.

Simple tips for meeting people without using online dating include:

  • Striking up more conversations when you’re out
  • Going to events and meet-ups
  • Going to bars, clubs and gigs
  • Joining groups or starting new hobbies

It’s easier to shine in person than it is on an app.

4) You’re not working on yourself

Sex is only part of it. But it’s more complicated than that.

There isn’t going to be one magic fix to getting laid. You can’t learn one simple thing to say or do that makes you suddenly irresistible to women.

Attraction runs deep.

Making yourself more appealing to women sexually is going to involve making yourself more appealing full stop.

That means actively working on becoming someone with plenty to offer.

She will also (quite rightly) expect you to see her and treat her as someone with a lot more to offer than what is between her legs.

How to fix it:

You’re bound to have your own unique hangups, stumbling blocks, and issues that hold you back. We all do.

Commit to your own self-improvement. Learn what is standing in your way.

If you feel lost on where to start, I’d really recommend speaking to an expert from Relationship Hero.

They will give you specific feedback on what you are currently doing wrong and how to get it right.

They know the dating game well. They’ve seen it all before and they can arm you with the tools for success.

Because the reality is that nothing changes in life until we change.

Rather than just talk, you will get practical advice and strategies to actually solve the root cause of why you’re not getting laid.

Click here to instantly connect with an expert.

5) You don’t know how to talk to women

The art of conversation is arguably one of the most significant parts of the overall art of seduction.

Humor, thoughtfulness, and depth of character all make someone sexy.

But you have to know how to present these sides of yourself when you’re chatting to a woman.

Women want to be challenged, entertained, and feel heard by men.

How to fix it:

I’m not saying you need to become some kind of master conversationalist overnight.

But there are ways to improve your communication skills. Remember that practice makes perfect, and that goes for getting better at speaking to women too.

Here are three key things to remember:

  • Ask questions

Essentially when you ask questions, you show interest in other people.

And ultimately we all love to talk about ourselves. So much so that research has highlighted how we tend to like people more if they ask us questions,  and particularly follow-up questions.

  • Listen

Genuinely listen to what she is telling you so that you come across as engaged and interested in the conversation.

  • Talk about things you are knowledgeable about and interested in

In an ideal world, you will try to find common ground. It’s far better to talk about things you think you’ll both be interested in.

But it’s also a good idea to chat about subjects you feel confident in talking about. You’ll come across as enthusiastic and sure of yourself.

6) You suck at flirting

Flirting is what turns platonic situations into something sexual.

It’s what gets girls interested in you. And it’s what keeps them interested in you.

So if you’re struggling to flirt, then you’re probably failing to turn conversations into sex.

How to fix it:

There are many different types of flirting techniques. It’s about finding what works best for you.

Brush up on your flirting skills and always follow the basics to make sure it’s clear from the start when you’re into a woman.

  • Be playful

Playful doesn’t mean being silly or childish. It means making her laugh, gently teasing her, and keeping things light and fun.

  • Make eye contact and smile

Basically, our body language is another way to communicate without words. The way you stand, sit, and move around speaks volumes.

  • Compliment her

Sincere compliments let her know that she has caught your eye and that you see her as special in some way.  But avoid being cheesy and keep it genuine.

7) You’re too agreeable

You might have heard the saying that nice guys finish last.

It’s not strictly true, as the majority of women are definitely looking for decent guys.

But there are certain aspects of the “nice guy” personality that are a real turn-off.

Being too eager to please is one of them. It puts her on a pedestal and implies she is above you.

If you’re going along with a woman and always letting her lead, it’s more likely to stand in your way.

How to fix it:

It might feel like the best way to get anyone to like you is to be as agreeable as possible. But it doesn’t quite work like that.

Having a backbone, self-respect and dignity are really desirable traits in someone.

That’s why if you’re too eager to please in an attempt to get a woman into bed you’re more likely to get friend zoned.

Instead don’t be afraid to (humbly) disagree and always enforce your own boundaries.

8) You’re not meeting enough women

If you’re always hanging out in the same places and doing the same things, the chances are you’re not putting yourself in a position to meet new people.

And this could be holding you back from getting laid.

If you want to attract women, you need to put yourself out there and go where they are.

How to fix it:

The easiest way to meet new people is to go where the action is. Go to events, clubs, parties, etc.

Don’t just stay home watching Netflix by yourself. Get out there and mingle.

You don’t have to put yourself in places that aren’t your scene.

If you’re more at home in art galleries than nightclubs, that’s ok too. You really can meet women anywhere.

But the more you socialize, the more opportunities you create to connect.

9) You’re not approaching women often enough

The blunt reality is that sex, dating, and even love is a bit of a numbers game.

Try once at anything in life, you give yourself one chance at success. Try multiple times and you’re giving yourself far better odds at getting a winning result.

As hockey Hall of Famer Wayne Gretzky once said:

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

The same goes for chances to meet, talk to, and sleep with women.

How to fix it:

In a nutshell:

Take more shots.

But importantly, that doesn’t mean haphazard or indiscriminate shots.

As you’re probably going to miss the goal if you start blindly firing off any old unskilled attempts left, right, and center.

But it does mean being prepared to put yourself out there and approach more women.

It’s going to rely on building up your self-confidence and being prepared to simply see what happens without expectation.

10) You’re not making the most of your appearance

If you feel like you’re struggling to get laid, maybe you’ve started to question whether you’re not “good-looking enough”.

But here’s the thing:

There are no hard and fast rules about what is good-looking and what isn’t.

Everyone has their own type, and we all look at each other differently.

Attraction is totally subjective.

But there are some Universal basics that we can all do to boost our looks. And you might not be making the most of this.

How to fix it:

  • Keep clean — let’s not forget the basics. That means showering, good oral hygiene, wearing clean clothes, etc.
  • Exercise — to look better, feel better, and boost your confidence.
  • Present your best self — wear cologne, use mouthwash, dress well, style your hair.
  • Improve your posture.

11) You’re moving too fast

One way to get quickly shot down in flames is to try and rush things.

The reality is that men and women often approach sex quite differently.

And men usually find they have to put in a lot more ground work to reach a stage where a woman wants to sleep with them.

Although it’s not unheard of, generally you can’t skip the build-up and try to jump to the getting naked part.

How to fix it:

Slow down. Take time to enjoy the process. Don’t expect to get laid straight away. It takes time to develop an attraction and a connection.

Be patient. Women want to know they’re attractive, but they also want to know they’re worth waiting for and that your attraction runs deeper than a superficial level.

Give her space to make her mind up about you. Remember that we said earlier that desperation and urgency is a sure-fire way to put her off.

Talk, get to know someone, and see what happens.

12) You’re not being yourself

This is something I hear from guys all the time.

They say they’re just trying to be themselves when approaching women, but end up coming across as awkward or weird.

They think they should be able to walk into a bar and pick up girls without having to worry about how they come across. But it doesn’t work like this.

Being yourself is important, but so is knowing how to present yourself. How you carry yourself will affect how others perceive you.

How to fix it:

It starts with being true to yourself.

When you want someone to like you, it’s tempting to try and offer them what you think they’re looking for. Even if that’s not what you are.

But the problem with putting on a front, being cheesy, or even worse, completely lying to a woman is that we have a habit of being able to tell when you’re faking it.

No matter who you are and what your interests are, there are women out there who you are a good match for.

You have to give them a chance to see and like the real you. And that means being yourself.

13) You think you can’t get laid, and so you don’t

I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that you’ve never been told by anyone that you’re totally ugly, boring, and have zero to offer any woman.

So why would you believe that you can’t get laid?

What usually happens is that we get rejected one too many times and so we start to tell ourselves it “always” happens.

We look for patterns and then make sweeping assumptions and generalisations.

Before you know it, you think you have a problem.

And those thoughts begin to dig deeper into your psyche, and take up residence in your brain.

That negative way of seeing things (and yourself) becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

How to fix it:

Take a look at your limiting beliefs about yourself and your love life.

Are they really true? Or are they just stories you made up?

I am not going to pretend you can positively think your way into someone’s pants.

But the reality is that negative thinking is going to put you in a far weaker position.

Be mindful of what you tell yourself, and keep your negative thinking under control.

14) You have low self-esteem

A lot of the things we’ve spoken about, like presenting status and confidence, can rest on the firm foundations of your self-esteem.

If you feel bad about yourself because you think you’re lacking somehow — that’s going to shine through.

We’ve all met guys who do really well with women. Yet on the surface they don’t seem that special.

They’re not the best looking, the most successful, the richest or the smartest of guys.

You might wonder what they have that you don’t.

The answer could be self-belief and self-esteem.

How to fix it:

The first step is to accept yourself for who you are.

Don’t compare yourself to other people. Instead, focus on what makes you unique. And remember that no one else has ever been you.

Let’s face it, deep-rooted self-love doesn’t happen simply by clicking your fingers. You’ve got to work at building up your own value.

But the rewards are endless and go way beyond picking up women.

You can check out this Hack Spirit article on confidence and self-belief for more tips.

15) You’re afraid of rejection

Rejection sucks. It hurts. It leaves us feeling vulnerable and insecure.

It’s easy to let fear dictate our actions.

You might avoid talking to girls, or you might be too scared to ask someone out.

But the unfortunate truth is that rejection is a part of dating.

In fact, it’s a part of life in general.

How to deal with it:

The bad news is that rejection is never going to feel good. We can’t sidestep the discomfort of rejection.

But by trying to dodge it all together, you’ll miss out on some great opportunities.

Learning to better handle rejection rather than taking it personally is going to help.

It’s actually this that helps to make you more resilient. And resilience is a key part of all success in life. Even the success of getting laid.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

Click here to get started.

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Written by Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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