Every time I’m around my boyfriend I just feel so tired. Like, so so tired.
It’s really weird!
It’s not even emotional, it’s physical in my body as though I had run a half-marathon or just woken up at 3 a.m. and want to go back to sleep.
I’ve been trying to figure out more about why this is happening and what I’ve discovered is helpful to anyone who’s finding that they get really tired around their partner. Here are some of the possible reasons.
Every time we’re together I find myself nodding off…
I’m going to go through the most common physical and emotional reasons why you may be feeling so exhausted around your partner.
If you notice that your energy has a specific and noticeable plunge when you’re around your boyfriend it’s definitely an issue, and I will shed light on that here.
1) Because you’re really happy
When you’re really happy, your brain puts out “happy chemicals.” These tend to be chemicals that make us fall asleep.
It’s like the equivalent of a food coma, except in this case it’s a feel-good love coma.
This doesn’t exactly track with my youthful idea of love as this exciting, non-stop rollercoaster ride.
But it makes a lot of sense. When you’re happy and feel good around someone you get sleepy around them.
“When you’re at ease and in love with your partner, your body releases feel good hormones, mainly dopamine and serotonin,” wrote Kim at Slumber and Smile.
“The secretion of hormones can cause you to feel more tired and sleepy than normal, and you may even fall asleep faster.”
That actually explains a lot!
2) Because your time together has become part of a routine
My new favorite Friday night routine is saying we’ll go out for dinner and then going to my boyfriend’s house and falling asleep in the first five minutes of whatever’s on Netflix.
I let him choose, and it doesn’t matter much to me as long as there isn’t really loud cursing and gunfire (at least not right away).
I honestly don’t care what’s on Netflix and what he chooses, because it’s just going to be the accompaniment for a few minutes while I drift off to dreamland.
This brings up two issues here, right…
One is that I don’t see my boyfriend as much as I’d like to, due to my intense work schedule.
Second is that I know it’s a bit presumptuous to treat him as a human cuddle pillow in the rare chances I do see him.
But I’m just … so tired!
3) You’re genuinely under-rested
How is your schedule and your relationship? How do they mesh together or clash?
In my case, my job keeps me on quite a treadmill from Monday to Friday and sometimes on weekends as well.
This can get a little bit in the way of my romantic life, partly because of the actual workload.
This is one of the things to think about if you’re finding that you’re always tired around your boyfriend.
Sometimes it relates to deeper issues (as I believe my situation does) but it can also simply be that you’re really, really tired in general.
If you’re not getting enough sleep and rarely have time to feel truly safe and rested, it can often be a bit like a safe harbor in a storm.
Your boyfriend is that safe harbor. You feel comfortable and happy in his arms, so you start seeking him out almost more as a sleep partner than a guy you want to have sex with and kiss.
You just want that sweet, sweet sleep.
Because you’re not getting enough of it.
4) A professional will know why
I’m talking about a professional relationship coach!
Look, I have to admit that it’s a pretty unusual situation to feel physically drained by your boyfriend… And while I have some theories as to why, nothing beats talking to a relationship coach, one-on-one.
Since it’s their job to deal with other people’s relationships, I’m pretty sure they’ve spoken to several people who find themselves in your shoes (and mine). That’s why I think they’re in a good position to tell you what’s going on.
After you finish reading this article, I suggest that you go to Relationship Hero and get in touch with a relationship coach. Explain how you feel and see if they can figure out why you’re so tired around your boyfriend.
Whether it’s because you’re just over-worked or it’s something to do with him, they’re sure to have the answer.
What are you waiting for? Get in touch with someone today. In fact, I think I’ll check in with them myself!
5) Because you’re sexually drained
Did I mention that my boyfriend and I barely ever have sex?
It’s like the “chill” part of Netflix and chill has just gone missing in our relationship.
It relates to something else I’ll get to a bit further down in this article.
Yet some couples who are very sexually active may feel extra tired for this simple and important reason:
Sex is a big exertion and especially if you climax, your body then enters an intense relaxation mode, triggering sleep chemicals like tryptophan and dopamine.
You get flooded with happy, feel-good sleepy feelings and may find that you just drift off.
If you’re having sex a lot then it makes sense you feel sleepy a lot, because many girls and guys get super tired after sex.
You don’t need to break up over it, don’t worry: it’s biology.
6) You’re becoming complacent
Complacency is a real issue in many relationships and it’s a bit of a Catch 22.
The thing is that you can like someone so much that you start feeling like they’re almost a part of you and taking them for granted.
Then you begin to become complacent and sort of apathetic.
Your tiredness around your boyfriend can now be seen as an offshoot of being ultra comfortable with them.
You like them, you enjoy holding their hand, you feel safe with them.
But you also are just so comfortable that you don’t appreciate it as much as you first did.
The challenge and thrill of the chase is gone. Everything becomes so domestic.
You cuddle up and drift off, or turn down sex just to take a little nap in the afternoon.
This can be the start of a long slippery slope that many couples, including married couples, fall into.
It can also relate to the next point quite a bit:
7) Maybe you’re really bored by him
Part of the reason that getting sleepy around my boyfriend has me worried is that it’s not the first time.
I had a past relationship where I started feeling so drowsy and listless every time I was around my partner. It ended in a bad breakup and never speaking to each other again, and the year we were together is mostly a memory of…well…nothing.
I was practically asleep for half of it or picking up his calls and texts late because I was drooling on my couch pillow.
The reason in that case is that I found him really boring. Like, super awful boring. Great guy, amazing. But so…so boring.
If you find that you’re getting super tired around your boyfriend it could be this that’s happening.
Be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you find your boyfriend interesting, engaging, handsome and intriguing?
Or maybe he turns you on physically but emotionally and mentally he’s a sack of wet cement? Rough, but you’re better off facing how you really feel early on before you get trapped in a relationship forever with somebody who bores you.
My current boyfriend does not bore me, for the record.
Instead, I think it’s much more related to the routine we have established and the next point.
8) Maybe you have repressed trauma
We all have very different experiences growing up, including traumas that occur.
This is not about competing for whose trauma is worse or more noteworthy. Any trauma you experienced hurt and potentially misdirected you in life. It’s worth addressing it and taking it seriously.
I know that growing up I experienced sexualization from an early age. Men commented on my appearance when I was only a young teen, even sometimes winking or other really creepy things.
I know it’s disgusting. But it happened. It happened a lot more than I like to remember, especially one dad of a friend I used to play field hockey with.
That, along with very strict parents, embedded a kind of shame about sex and intimacy in me.
Realizing this through therapy and self-reflection has been a big step forward, but that doesn’t mean I’ve overcome it completely or learned how to deal with it.
I’m worried that part of why I usually meet my bf at night time or after a long day is so I’ll subconsciously have the perfect excuse for being tired.
9) Sleep is an escape
If you think about it, sleep is the ultimate escape from life. Apart from dreams and nightmares, it’s a pause button.
You hit pause, drift off and wake up feeling more energized. Then you hopefully get around to your busy and fulfilling day.
The point is that now and then we all need a good sleep or a day long nap.
But when it’s becoming an escape because of repressed trauma or trying to somehow avoid intimacy, then it’s more serious.
I ended up speaking to a relationship coach about my specific challenges and found it extremely helpful.
The site I found is called Relationship Hero and has love coaches who are accredited but also really approachable about these kinds of situations.
I explained some of my issues growing up around sexualization and feeling somewhat uncomfortable around intimacy, but how I still love my boyfriend a lot and want to be close to him.
The coach really listened to me and ended up providing advice that was super helpful and which I am still in the process of implementing.
I really recommend these guys, because they know what they’re doing and get real results.
10) The relationship is bringing you down
The more troubling options about why you might be getting so drowsy around your boyfriend including if the relationship is really bringing you down.
If you find that you’re often fighting and squabbling over nothing and you no longer really enjoy talking to your boyfriend, sometimes sleep is the natural side effect.
It’s an off button, as I said, or at least a pause button.
Plus, fighting and clashing with someone on a close personal level is super exhausting.
So if your relationship is depressing you or is full of fights, then you may be tired because you’ve just had enough of it.
You want to escape some of the drama and rest your weary vocal chords, mind and emotions.
You hope that when you wake up all the issues you were having just look so trivial in the morning light. Fingers crossed.
11) You’re avoiding difficult conversations
I recommended Relationship Hero and the love coaches there because they have really helped me.
I’m currently putting their advice into practice about my sleepiness.
They can also help you with tensions you’re having in your relationship above and beyond the issues with sleepiness.
Sometimes sleepiness is more of a side effect and way to also escape difficult conversations.
This isn’t necessarily about breaking up or fighting in the ways I talked about in point nine.
It could be things like talking about the future…
Discussing what you believe about spirituality and life…
Or opening up about past relationships and this making you feel very exposed or raw and vulnerable.
Then you end up going to sleep because you have an inner blockage to this and just really don’t want to talk about it.
But you also feel hesitant to tell your boyfriend that you don’t want to talk about it.
So you close your eyes and hope any awkward or emotionally charged conversations will just fade into nothing.
12) You’re annoyed at your boyfriend
If you’re feeling annoyed at your boyfriend about specific things or in general, sometimes sleep can be the best remedy.
Or at least it can look like a quick and easy solution.
Instead of criticizing your partner or opening up about what bothers you, you lean back and sleep or hit the decline call and go back to napping in bed when he calls you.
You’re annoyed at him, but you don’t want to talk about it.
And not only are you avoiding it, but the tension of avoiding it and walking that fine line between fighting and ignoring is simply exhausting.
13) You want to break up but don’t know how
Sleeping can sometimes be a way to avoid breaking up.
Whether you’re fighting or not, you want to avoid saying goodbye, and sometimes shutting your eyes can be a way to block out the pain.
This relationship is no longer working out for you and you’ve decided to end it.
But you don’t know how to broach the subject and you don’t want all the pain and tears that are going to come along with it.
So you lie down on the couch and wait until the world goes dark.
Maybe it just seems better that way. Although you can’t keep doing it forever.
Is there more going on beneath the surface?
A quick glance at many common medical conditions reveals that many of them share a common symptom:
Exhaustion and lack of energy.
Before reading too much into your sleepiness, make sure that it’s not the sign of something
Being very exhausted can also be a common symptom of depression and other mood disorders.
If you are suffering emotionally then it’s important to be honest about it.
Thinking positive and being happy aren’t always an option. If you’re finding that your will for life is feeling really sapped on a regular basis, it’s crucial to respect yourself and pay attention.
This may have nothing to do with your boyfriend, but it could still be affecting him or he may be taking it personally as well.
Ruling out other causes of the exhaustion
If you’ve ruled out causes which have nothing to do with your boyfriend or relationship, then all that’s left is your boyfriend or relationship.
If it’s nothing to do with him, just keep in mind that your exhaustion can still affect him and leave him feeling less valued or even unwanted.
If it is to do with your boyfriend, don’t be afraid to communicate. Try to rouse yourself from the exhausted state you’re in and talk it through.
It will be better to end this relationship if it’s supposed to be over, or at least talk over its issues.
If there’s still a lot of love left there, talking with your partner can be a way to deepen your bond and see what you can both improve together.
Being tired doesn’t make you a bad person
There’s nothing wrong with being tired. Sometimes a nice nap is just about the most relaxing thing in the world.
It all depends on whether you being tired here has deeper roots in problems with the relationship or not.
And as I talked about above, some of the reasons you might be feeling really drowsy around your partner can actually be good.
You may be very sexually satisfied, cuddly and happy or enjoying a close and trusting relationship with him that doesn’t always need stimulation.
On the other hand, you may be dodging conflict, hiding from your own traumas or avoiding problems you feel in the relationship.
Less in terms of the relationship, you might also be going through physical or mental issues (or a demanding schedule) which are making you very tired.
Being tired is part of being human!
Just make sure it’s not a stand-in for other problems going on in the relationship.