Clifton Kopp
My girlfriend broke up with me roughly five weeks ago and in that time she hasn’t said a word to me.
I know that trying to chase her will only push her further away.
What I want to know is how long gone is she going to be? When is she going to get back in touch, or is that never going to happen?
When will my ex-girlfriend contact me? 11 key tips
1) Stop lurking over your phone
If you’ve found yourself waiting around near your phone and listening for that ping, then I urge you to stop.
Maybe you’ve even gone a step further and added a special ringtone and message notification for your ex.
A month ago that’s where I was at. It’s not a good state to be in. You become hyper-vigilant and obsessed with being contacted.
My whole well-being hinged on whether she got back in touch with me, and I began to imagine what she was going through (if anything) and imagine that it was getting close to her getting in touch.
Soon she’d reach her breaking point and just have to reach out to me, I figured.
Even just a casual text or a hello.
I was wrong. That’s why I had to move on and force myself into step two.
2) Start living your life
When will my ex-girlfriend contact me?
Maybe tomorrow, maybe never.
You’re not in control of it.
You need to start living your life.
This means getting off your butt and going to the gym. Start the treadmill at a low speed and walk for an hour while watching a TV show on your phone.
Yes, one hour.
Then lift weights. Or go on a run. Or call your friend and play pool.
Just do something, and make it non-violent and productive or at least fun in some way.
Plus, think of it this way:
If and when your girlfriend does dial you up or shoot you a message, would you rather be sunk into the couch like a shell of your former self?
Or would you rather be out playing tennis with a friend and flushed with physical well-being and being busy?
I’ll take option two!
3) Get outside help
In addition to pursuing your own life and getting busy and away from your phone, I also recommend getting outside help.
The best place I’ve found is called Relationship Hero.
This site has accredited love coaches who know what you’re going through and give advice that actually helps.
I was skeptical when I got in touch, but my expectations were exceeded.
My coach walked through my situation and my expectations and hopes about when my ex-girlfriend might get in touch.
Then he hit me with some really hard reality and some really valuable points about the situation that I’d never thought about before.
If you’re in a crisis and wondering if your ex is even thinking about you or whether she’ll get in touch, visit Relationship Hero and get an inside perspective.
These guys really know what they’re doing and you won’t be disappointed at the answers you’ll get which are specific to your situation.
4) How long were you together for?
You shouldn’t be focused on when your ex-girlfriend will contact you.
But you’re obviously going to think about it quite a bit nonetheless…
Before you go to sleep and when you wake up…
In the middle of brushing your teeth and while you’re shaving…
When you pause at a traffic light or hear that one song on the radio.
And, well, a hundred other times!
That’s why you will find some value in analyzing a little bit.
Even though you have no control over if and when she contacts you, you can take a quick look at some of the indicators.
For one thing, how long were you together for?
In general, if you were together for longer then she’s going to be more inclined to contact you sooner. The only exception is if you were together so long that your relationship reached an irrevocable and complete end where you both already achieved full closure.
5) Why’d you break up?
Next, consider why you broke up.
What led to it?
Or was it a gradual growing apart with no real, distinguishable breaking point?
The reason or reasons why you broke up can give you a good sense of if and when she will get back in touch.
If you cheated or betrayed her trust in a really hurtful way, the lag time to getting back in touch will likely be quite a bit more.
If it was a gradual growing apart that had a real finality to it, she may never get back in touch.
If it was a sudden fight which in retrospect looks silly, she may get back in touch.
A lot depends on the next point, which is:
6) What’s her personality?
If your girlfriend is quite obstinate and stubborn, then she’s likely going to wait this out and hope you get in touch first.
If she tends to be forgiving and has forgiven you in the past then she’ll probably do that again.
You can get a good read on whether and when she might message you by also thinking about what she’s done in the past when you had a fight.
Even if you’ve never broken up, how long did she take to reinitiate contact the last time you stopped talking for a few days or even a week or two?
This can give you a generally accurate idea about how long until she gets in touch (if at all) following your breakup.
Your girlfriend’s personality can give you a lot of insights into where her thinking is at regarding you.
Will she give you another chance or just shut down at this point?
7) What’s going on in her life?
It’s also important to consider what’s going on in her life.
Is she super busy with work, having family issues, or quite bored and lonely?
This will make a massive difference in whether she gets back in touch and when that might be.
Another thing to keep in mind is that your ex contacting you could be for a variety of reasons.
She may even contact you when she’s upset and wants to vent to you.
So it’s not always a reconciliation type of scenario.
Nonetheless, if you’re wondering when she’ll get in touch pay attention to what’s going on in her life.
Although you should be minimizing your time on social media, take a quick look if necessary.
At the very least you do have a right to know if she’s dating someone new, which also greatly decreases the chances she’ll be getting in touch with you.
8) Tap into the ‘ex-factor’
How was your relationship with your ex-girlfriend?
Was there a lot of intimacy or was it more on-again, off-again?
Was it full of communication or fairly stop-and-go?
Every relationship has strengths and weaknesses, and mine was no different.
We had so much love and affection between us, but also such different interests and paths in life.
That’s what led to the breakup, especially when my girlfriend started developing a much more active social life than me which made me get resentful and withdraw.
It wasn’t that she was cheating, it’s just that so much of her attention was going to new people that I felt left behind and went down an avalanche of unresolved abandonment wounds.
Fun stuff…
The good thing is that I found out there is a way to change how she feels about what went down…
And about me.
This method for making your ex want you again actually works, and I’ve used it myself.
It comes from the relationship psychologist James Bauer.
In this free video, he’ll show you exactly what you can do to make your ex want you again.
No matter how screwed up things are right now or how long your ex-girlfriend has been ignoring you for, Bauer has practical and easy tips that you can use right away.
Here’s a link to his free video again.
If you really want your ex back, this video will show you how to do it.
9) Talk to her friends
If you want an inside track on what’s going on, another option is to speak with your ex-girlfriend’s friends.
A note of caution here:
If you speak to the wrong friend then this is going to go directly back to your ex-girlfriend and potentially backfire.
She may even not contact you after knowing you’ve been asking around about her.
This has to be done very cautiously and choosing which friends to speak to carefully.
The best way to go about this is to be indirect.
Find a friend you know you can trust not to blab. Talk to him or her and simply ask how your ex is but that they not mention it to them.
You don’t always have to literally ask if they’ve been talking about you or hinting at getting in touch.
Just ask how they are and let things roll from there.
10) Be your best self for if and when she does get back in touch
If and when your ex does get back in touch, you want to be your best self and at the top of your game.
Whether that entails drilling down on one interest and learning a new language or becoming a Chessmaster, the most important thing is that you use your time for something.
Specifically, for something that turns you into a more competent, confident, and well-rounded person.
If and when she does get back in touch, you want to be at a point where you’re excelling.
Not so much in how you feel, but in your actual actions.
You are on the road to self-actualization in terms of what you’re doing, and you are living a disciplined and full life.
Her getting back in touch should be more like icing on the cake, not the cake itself.
11) How long gone?
Like I said at the beginning when my girlfriend left I was wondering how long gone she’d really be.
Did she just need a time out or was she really gone for good like she claimed?
Was the fight we had that led to our breakup really the end or just a really big downer that would be fixed later?
It turned out that thankfully it appears to have been the second.
My girlfriend is now back in touch with me.
I’ll explain more about how this happened in a minute.
What’s even better is that from knowing her and how she acts I am pretty sure she does still have feelings for me.
We’ll see where this goes.
It could still easily all go bust or turn into nothing.
But as of now, I’m semi-hopeful.
Cold, hard, truth
The cold hard truth is that love has no guarantees.
In the aftermath of a breakup the insecurity and lack of knowing what could happen next increases even more.
She might be gone forever and never even send you a message again.
She may block you everywhere possible and never unblock you.
All the analysis in the world won’t guarantee she’ll be back or that she’ll try to reinitiate contact with you in any way.
Even if your breakup was for a stupid reason, you can’t be sure that your girlfriend will contact you again.
My girlfriend contacted me last week with a short and fairly impersonal text.
I give a ton of credit for this to James Bauer and his “ex-factor” program which you can learn about here.
We’re not about to get back together soon.
But I see some hope in the future and a path to doing so.
I’m not staking my plans on that and I’m still focused every day on living my life.
This is the bottom line of my advice:
Don’t wait for your girlfriend to contact you, live your life until the point where whether she does or not you’re going to be just fine with it.
