Should you end your relationship?
It’s a big, emotional decision, and if you decide to go through with it you’ll drastically change your life and theirs.
When you look back on your life in 5 years, it could be the best decision you’ve ever made.
But it could also be the worst.
In this article, we’re going to through 17 good reasons you should end the relationship, and then we’ll go over 9 horrible reasons to end the relationship.
By the end of it, hopefully you’ll be more informed on what course of action you should take.
17 good reasons to end the relationship
1) You’re not acting yourself
One of the best ways to figure out if your relationship is working isn’t to look at your partner, but to look at yourself.
Are you behaving like your normal self? Or are you acting crazy and emotional? Are you scared of what you say around your partner?
In the end, the greatest relationships are where you can be your true self.
If you’re wary of how you act around your partner, then you’re probably not going to be happy in the long run.
Here are 7 signs that you’re not comfortable around your partner:
- You’re tiptoeing and hiding things from your partner.
- You’re constantly monitoring your actions and words, worried about your partner’s opinion.
- You’re feeling anxious and frustrated whenever your partner is in your presence. This cloud lifts whenever you’re not.
- You’re worried about being judged.
- You can’t stare into your partner’s eyes for more than 5 seconds.
- You can’t say what you mean.
- You don’t trust them: You’ve just got this constant feeling in your stomach that something is wrong.
According to Andrea Bonior Ph.D, apologizing for your behavior and not being your true self is a clear sign of a controlling relationship:
“It is a warning sign to be taken seriously if you frequently have to apologize to your partner for who you are. Does it seem that you are never good enough? Do your partner’s standards feel like they can never be met? When taken to the extreme, this is a clear-cut sign of a controlling relationship.”
Now don’t get me wrong, in almost all relationships, there is some sort of compromise, particularly when it comes to interests and preferences.
For example, perhaps you might have different tastes in what restaurants you like.
This is normal, and generally isn’t the cause of the end of the relationship, unless there are many of them.
But if you have to compromise who you are as a person (I’m talking about your values, your personality, your goals), then it’s nearly impossible to have a healthy, strong relationship.
In the end, if you lack the freedom within the relationship to be your true self, then it’s a clear sign that it might be time to break up.
2) They’re putting you down and making you feel like sh*t
If you’re feeling crap around them because they’re lowering your self-esteem with subtle, backhanded statements, then it’s a clear sign that the relationship probably isn’t benefiting you.
It’s never fun to be on the receiving end of an insulting comment.
You might tell yourself to ignore the comment, but part of it may inevitably stick, and you worry that something is actually “wrong” with you.
This is a common occurrence in a relationship with a narcissist. They love the feeling of control, and putting you down makes it easier for them to control you.
If they’re also mixing these backhanded compliments with “love bombs” – actions of affection designed to make you love them – then it’s probably an emotional rollercoaster that you don’t want to put yourself through anymore.
The relationship love doctor, Rhoberta Shaler, describes these people as “hijackals” because they “hijack relationships for their own purposes, while relentlessly scavenging them for power, status, and control.”
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to figure out if your partner is a “hijackal”:
- Are you always wrong, even if when what you’re saying is factual?
- Are you always trying to please them, but it never seems to be enough?
- Does your partner always justify their behavior, even if it is clearly wrong or outrageous?
- Is your partner always taking advantage of you?
If you can answer yes to these questions, then it might be time to leave them for your own emotional health.
A toxic partner sucks the life out of you little by little. Maybe with hurtful comments, slight nudges, or comments that take away your confidence.
Just small enough actions that you can never complain about them.
3) You’re no longer essential to each other
Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you need to live in each other’s pockets or have an unhealthy attachment to each other.
However, being essential to each other is a sign of a healthy relationship. And when you don’t have it alarm bells should ring.
Especially for a man, feeling essential to a woman is often what separates “like” from “love”.
Let me explain what I mean by essential.
Don’t get me wrong, no doubt your guy loves your strength and abilities to be independent. But he still wants to feel wanted and useful — not dispensable!
This is because men have a built in desire for something “greater” that goes beyond love or sex. It’s why men who seemingly have the “perfect girlfriend” are still unhappy and find themselves constantly searching for something else — or worst of all, someone else.
Simply put, men have a biological drive to feel needed, to feel important, and to provide for the woman he cares about.
Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls it the hero instinct. He created an excellent free video here where he explains what it is.
As James argues, male desires are not complicated, just misunderstood. Instincts are powerful drivers of human behavior and this is especially true for how men approach their relationships.
So, when the hero instinct isn’t triggered, men are unlikely to be satisfied in a relationship. He holds back because being in a relationship is a serious investment for him. And he won’t fully “invest” in you unless you give him a sense of meaning and purpose and make him feel essential.
How do you trigger this instinct in him? How do you give him a sense of meaning and purpose?
You don’t need to pretend to be anyone you’re not or play the “damsel in distress”. You don’t have to dilute your strength or independence in any way, shape or form.
In an authentic way, you simply have to show your man what you need and allow him to step up to fulfill it.
In his new video, James Bauer outlines several things you can do. He reveals phrases, texts and little requests that you can use right now to make him feel more essential to you.
By triggering this very natural male instinct, you’ll not only supercharge his confidence as a man but it will also help to rocket your relationship to the next level.
4) You’re hiding them from your loved ones
Introducing your family and friends to your partner is not something you take lightly. It’s a big step.
And for most people, it’s equally important to win over their partner’s family as it is their own.
Every relationship is unique, so there is obviously no right or wrong time to make it happen.
But if you’ve been together for a significant about of time, and you still haven’t introduced them to your inner circle, or vice versa, then something is up.
According to relationship expert, Susan Winter, “gaining access to your partner’s inner circle is a mark of their commitment”.
So if you feel like you just can’t introduce them to your family or friends, then it’s important for you to take a step back and explore why that is.
Here’s a great tweet that sums up how you might really feel:
i waited 3 years before introducing my ex to my mum. my current bf met my entire family within the 1st month of dating. when people say “i need time” they really mean “im not sure about you” and thats okay. but when you know, you know. you know?
— Eleanor (@b444mbi) May 31, 2018
On the other hand, if you have introduced them to your family and they’re not making an effort to get to know them, then that could be a sign that they’re not invested in the relationship themselves.
5) Your friends and family don’t like them
If you like your partner and no one else does, then maybe it’s time for you to take a step back and consider why this is the case.
Outside perspectives can you give you a lot of insight when you’re too close to the situation.
There’s generally a good reason why your loved ones don’t like the person you’re dating.
After all, their main intentions are to look after you, and you might be blinded by love.
So, if your friends and family are warning you about your relationship, then that’s a giant red flag.
Take a step back and objectively assess why that’s the case. You might figure out that they’re just not the right person for you.
According to marriage counselor Nicole Richardson, it’s definitely something to pay attention to if your family has your best intentions at heart:
“If we have a healthy family and we know that our family always has our best intentions at heart, then [their criticism] is something to pay attention to…If we have a family that’s a little toxic and judgmental, the family might be worried about their own interests and that might null their opinion.”
6) You can’t help but be mean to them
So far we’ve talked about your partner being mean to you, but it’s also important to consider if you’re being mean to your partner.
Are you putting them down to gain control? Are you playing games in an effort to manipulate them? Do you intrinsically know that they love you more than you love them?
If you are putting someone down and taking advantage of them, then it’s obvious that you don’t like them very much.
And the longer this type of one-sided relationship goes on, the more it’s going to hurt them when it ends.
Sometimes, you need to let go of someone to give them the freedom to find someone who will treat them better.
According to Megan Fleming, a New York City-based psychologist and sex therapist, a sign that you’re treating your partner poorly is if you’re blaming your partner for issues that are actually caused by you:
“It’s a bad sign if you tend to blame instead of taking ownership for your own issues…Men and women who blame always believe that the problem lies with the other person.”
7) The relationship is moving much faster than you want
Decided to move into together but you know you don’t really want to? Meeting the family, but you never really wanted to go in the first place?
These might be signs that you don’t want to be in the relationship.
Maybe it’s convenient for you now, but if you’re not ready to take the necessary steps forward, then you need to figure out what’s holding you back.
Most relationships grow as time goes on, whether that means living together, getting married, or having a family.
And if you’re denying your partner those things, the longer the relationship lasts, the more they’ll get hurt and frustrated.
Maybe both of you don’t want marriage or a family. That’s fine, but it’s important you’re both clear and honest with each other about it.
According to author, relationship and etiquette expert April Masin, if you’re in a serious relationship, there are some important conversations that you need to be having, and if you’re not having those conversations, then it’s likely that things are moving too fast (or there isn’t much of a future):
“You should talk about your hopes and dreams, your past, your debt, your feelings about kids, family, lifestyles, religion, and more…When you don’t, these issues come up later, and can be deal breakers.”
Take a step back and ask yourself if you want this relationship to ever move forward. It’s okay to move slowly, but it does need to move forward in some way.
8) You’re experiencing constant relationship anxiety
Relationship anxiety is a form of anxiety concerning romantic relationships. Instead of being happy with the relationship, one constantly doubts the strength of their love.
Dr. Amanda Zayde, a clinical psychologist at the Montefiore Medical Center, told NBC that some form of relationship anxiety is normal, but it can become an issue when it gets overbearing:
“It is important to note that everyone has some relationship anxiety, and that’s to be expected…However, if you find yourself hypervigilant for clues that something is wrong, or if you experience frequent distress that impacts your daily life, please, take some time to address it.”
But if it’s normal to have concerns about one’s relationship, how can you be so sure that it is genuinely a problem?
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
1) Are you constantly questioning their behavior when they’re not with you?
2) Are you constantly doubting their love for you?
3) Are you constantly doubting yourself and the value you’re offering in the relationship?
If you can’t stop thinking in these three ways then that could be a sign that this relationship isn’t working.
Usually, when a relationship is strong, there’s no need to constantly doubt the love they have for each other.
Relationship anxiety usually happens when the love between two partners isn’t balanced.
You’re continually expending energy trying to please your partner, but they’re not doing the same for you.
In the end, you feel emotionally drained because the energy of the relationship is negative, not positive.
The fact of the matter is this:
If you’re in a relationship, then you should feel pretty confident that you love them and they love you.
If you’re not on the same page, then that’s a sign that perhaps things aren’t working and it might be time to break up.
9) You keep on taking a break
If you keep breaking-up, then getting back together again, maybe you need to reassess things.
Perhaps each time you think things will get better, but then the same old issues pop up over and over again.
If you’re reliving the same fights, it could be a sign that there are some issues that you will never be able to overcome.
There’s obviously a significant reason you’re taking these breaks, and perhaps it simply isn’t solvable.
There’s a certain time when you need to ask yourself if anything has seriously changed, and if they haven’t, then it might be time to take a break for good.
10) You keep talking about “when” the relationship is better
You are both convinced that the relationship will get better, but “when” you have more money, or “when” they are less stressed in their job.
Many people “hope” that their partner will change, but they never do.
You can’t expect someone to change when they hit some milestones.
Yes, it might happen – but if holding onto things like this is the only thing that’s keeping you in the relationship, then it might be a bad sign that things are never really going to change.
The truth is, if you’re consistently waiting for your partner to change his or her values or personality, then it may never happen.
When you try to change who you are as a person, it can be incredibly difficult.
If you can’t stay with them when they are the way they are, then it might time to move on.
You should base your relationship on how you feel about the present right now. Because if you’re always looking to the future, you might never be happy in the present.
11) You’re consistently thinking about hooking up with other people
The occasional thought of hooking up with someone else is normal, but if it’s something you can’t stop envisioning, and you fail to get excited when you think about your own partner in bed, then it could be a sign that you’re finding the relationship a little boring.
However, it’s important to keep in mind that every long-term relationship gets a little bit stale every now and then.
According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, the sexual honeymoon phase of new relationships tends to last about 2-3 years:
“While there is a honeymoon phase of about two to three years with long-term couples during which sexual satisfaction is high among couples of both sexual outlooks, it begins to become less stable after that.”
All you need to do is switch up the romance a little bit, or have a good, old fashion talk about sex with your partner.
But if you’ve tried all you can, and you still can’t stop thinking about sleeping with other people, or you can’t get sexually excited about your partner in any sense of the word, then it could be a sign that you’re already halfway out of the relationship.
12) They’re way too needy – or you are too clingy
Have they stopped you from seeing your friends? Are they trying to control your schedule? Do they not trust anything you do when you’re not with them? Do they want to spend time with you every minute of every day?
What may seem romantic and lovey-dovey can also turn out to be too clingy and insecurely attached.
Even if you’re in a close relationship, you should always be free to live your own life. Controlling someone else’s schedule is never cool.
So if your world or their world revolves around each other, and they’re controlling you in any way they can, it’s a warning sign that it could be a toxic relationship.
According to New York-based dating expert Tracey Steinberg, if your partner is clingy it could be a sign that they are more interested in you than you are in them:
“Let’s face it: If Bradley Cooper texted you ten times, you’d be blasting it to every person you know… The point is that this same action could seem really, really annoying, though, if it’s coming from someone you have less interest in.”
13) There’s no trust
You can’t trust anything they do or say. If they say they’re going out with their friends, you can’t be sure of what they’re really doing.
For all you know, they could be having a secret relationship on the side.
And of course, without trust, a relationship can’t grow. Your mind won’t stop wandering in all directions about what they’re doing behind your back.
Rob Pascale, Ph.D. says in Psychology Today that trust is one of the most important facets of a successful relationship:
“Trust is one of the keystones of any relationship—without it two people cannot be comfortable with each other and the relationship lacks stability.”
14) They’ve cheated on you
Before we enter a relationship, most people say that if their partner ever cheated, they would walk away without any thought.
But we all know that this is a lot easier said than done.
After all, in a long-term relationship, you’ve built a strong emotional connection and anything that intense is difficult to simply walk away from.
But at the same time, many people do walk away when their partner cheats on them – and most would say that it was the correct decision.
So if you’re wondering if you should break up with your partner because they cheated, here are three questions worth asking yourself:
1) Do they care that they’ve hurt you? Do you they even understand they’ve hurt you? And do they truly regret what they did?
2) Do you know the full extent of their cheating? Have they actually been honest with you about it?
3) Will you be able to move on? Or will the fact they’ve cheated always be in the back of our mind? Will you be able to trust them again?
4) Is it worth saving the relationship? Or is it better to move on?
Answer these questions truthfully, and you’ll begin figuring out if the relationship is worth saving.
15) You haven’t been happy with the relationship for a while
Now if you can’t stop thinking about what life would be like if you weren’t in the relationship, and if you’re feeling down about the relationship for a while, then that’s a warning sign that you’ll feel freer if let go of the relationship.
We should only be in relationships if they make us happy and improve our life. Otherwise, we’re better off to leave and be by ourselves.
The truth is, if you’re bored, stuck or you just can’t seem to engage in the relationship, even after you do objectively cool things like weekend trips or rock climbing, it might be a sign that’s time to move on.
This is especially the case if you can’t help imagining how great life would be without your partner.
One option could be to take a break from each other – and see how life opens up for you’re not with your partner.
16) Your lives are simply heading in a different direction
The beginning of a relationship is always the best. It’s fun, exciting and sexy.
The future doesn’t matter so much. It’s all about the now and the happiness you’re finding in it.
But when the beginning stages wears off, you start thinking about the future. Maybe one person wants kids, but the other partner never will.
One partner may be focused on their career and earning money, whereas the other partner simply wants to work 9-5 on weekdays and then forget about work.
There are many life directions that people journey through, and it could be that you and your partner are simply on a different path that won’t work well together.
Also, according to relationship expert, Tina B Tessina, once the euphoria of a new relationship wears off, reality sets in:
“Both partners relax, and stop being on their best behavior. Old family habits assert themselves, and they begin to disagree about things they were tolerant of before”.
17) There is a bigger issue that you’re not talking about
People in toxic relationships find themselves fighting over every single small thing, from what to watch on TV to “why didn’t you buy me a coffee?!”
But these small issues aren’t the big problem.
Usually, there is a bigger problem in the relationship that you’re not addressing.
So it’s important to take a step back and ask yourself why you’re really upset with your partner.
It could be one of the signs we’ve brought up in this article. It might be something else.
Start searching for the deeper reasons within the relationship and yourself.
Once you know why your partner is driving you nuts, or vice-versa, you can address those issues with your partner.
Not all break ups need to be permanent
These 17 signs will help you decide whether you should end the relationship.
But what if you’ve already broken up? Or you think that breaking up might be your best option now, but when circumstances change, you may want to get back with them?
Breaking up is never easy. And I don’t pretend to know all the answers about the best way to go about it.
However, one piece of counter-intuitive advice I want to offer you is this: it’s actually okay to get back with your ex.
I know this flies in the face of what most people say.
But I’ve recently read an eye-opening statistic by relationship expert Brad Browning: that 90% of all relationships can be salvaged. While that may sound unreasonably high, I tend to think it’s on the money.
I’ve been in contact with too many Hack Spirit readers who are happily back with their exes to be a skeptic.
Not all break ups are the same. Here are some situations where getting back with your ex is actually a good option:
- You’re still compatible
- You didn’t break up because of violence, toxic behavior or incompatible values.
If you still have strong feelings for your ex, you should at least consider getting back with them.
And the best bit? You don’t need to go through all the pain of getting over them.
However, you do need a plan of attack to get them back.
If you want some help with this, Brad Browning is the person I always recommend people turning to. He’s a best-selling author and easily provides the most effective “get your ex back” advice online.
Trust me, I’ve come across a lot of self proclaimed “gurus” who don’t hold a candle to the practical advice he offers up.
If you want to learn more, check out his free online video here. Brad gives away some free tips you can use immediately to get your ex back.
Communicate the issue in a healthy way
If you’ve figured what the deeper issue is in the relationship, then it’s time to be honest and clear with your partner about it.
This gives you, or them, an opportunity to fix it.
If they can’t fix it, or they’re not even willing to try, then obviously that’s not a good sign and might be time to break up.
But in order to fix it, you need to have an honest and productive conversation about it.
To do so…
1. Don’t attack their character.
If they’re doing something wrong in the relationship, then make sure you don’t attach their character to their actions.
You may not know their true intentions. After all, sometimes when we’re doing something wrong, we don’t actually know we’re doing it.
But when you start attacking their character and you get personal, it turns into an argument and nothing gets solved.
Remember, if your relationship is to continue and most importantly, grow, then you need to have a productive discussion that addresses the real conflict.
Leave personal insults out of it.
2. Stop thinking in terms of who causes more issues in the relationship
Whenever there is a problem in a relationship, there almost always 2 sides to the story.
Yes, one person might be more responsible, but pointing it out in that way just makes it seem petty like you’re trying to win points.
In the same vein, don’t bring up previous issues to show who has caused more problems in the relationship.
Stick to the current issues. Focus on what’s important. Leave ego out of it.
Now if you’ve discovered the real issue in the relationship and you’ve communicated together in an honest, clear, and mature way, that’s great.
If you’ve both agreed to work on the relationship, then it’s important to stick with it and see how it goes.
But if over time you find that they’re really not working on the issues with the relationship, then it could be time to call it quits.
Can people change? Yes, of course, they can. But they have to not only be willing to change, but they’ve got to show it with their actions.
As the old saying goes, it’s easier said than done. So always to look to their actions when you decide when it’s time to break up with someone.
9 wrong reasons to break up
1) Petty irritations
When you spend a lot of time with one person, you’re bound to find something that irritates you. It’s inevitable.
However, if you break up with somebody over these petty irritations, it might be something you look back on with regret.
Does the fact that they leave clothes on the floor really hinder your life that much?
If you continue to let these annoyances get to you in a relationship, then it might lead to other, bigger things that irk you about your partner.
Sometimes you have to accept that there will be little things that annoy about your partner – but to understand that they are little and are not going to really affect your life.
2) You’re not happy ALL the time
Like anything in life, relationships have their rocky moments. They’ll also have their boring moments.
But just because some days you’re a little more unhappy or bored in your relationship doesn’t mean you should break up. You can’t be happy all the time. There’s always a balance.
And ignoring the duller aspects of a relationship will probably lead to bigger problems down the road.
In her book “The Real Thing”, writer Ellen McCarthy quotes Diane Sollee, a marriage educator who explains that too many people have unrealistic fantasies about their relationship:
“[Sollee] wants couples who are getting ready to walk down the aisle to know — really know — that it will be hard. That there will be times when one or both of them want out and can barely stand the sight of each other. That they’ll be bored, then frustrated, angry, and perhaps resentful.”
“Diane also wants them to know that all of these things are normal.”
Look, when you first start seeing someone, everything seems fun and exciting.
But that will inevitably wear off, but it doesn’t mean that you have to break up.
After all, there is a difference between feeling bored with your partner and feeling bored of your partner.
If you’re simply feeling bored with your Netflix routine, then try to switch it up with some date nights, or pick some new hobbies.
That usually does the trick to reignite the relationship and have some fun.
3) You’re not interested in the same things
So the relationship is going smoothly. Rapport is high. But you’ve overlooked the fact that your hobbies and interests don’t align.
But don’t fear! This is no reason to break-up with someone.
According to Stephanie Sarkis, PhD in Psychology Today:
“Couples with very different interests can have healthy relationships – what counts is that they share common goals and values.”
4) You’re both attracted to other people
Just because you started dating someone doesn’t mean you can’t look at other people and find them attractive. We’re only primates with instincts after all.
You can admire someone else at a healthy distance though – it doesn’t make you unfaithful or less attracted to your partner.
David Bennett, a relationship expert, told Medical Daily:
“Attraction is largely subconscious. We check people out because we are attracted to them and ‘sizing them up…This doesn’t necessarily mean anything more than that we find the person attractive.”
5) Over an argument
Just because you had an argument doesn’t mean you have to break-up. It’s perfectly normal for couples to have fights and disagreements.
Fighting isn’t a sign that something is wrong in the relationship – it just means you’ve had a disagreement, and as long as you’re not trying to deliberately hurt each other, fighting doesn’t mean the end of the relationship.
In fact, believe it or not, couples who argue effectively are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship than those who sweep difficult issues under the carpet, according to a survey of almost 1,000 adults.
6) Over money
Money can be the root of so many problems and there are bound to be some financial conflicts in most relationships, but it doesn’t mean the end.
There might be differences in spending habits, tolerance of debit or credit, bad investments…the list goes on.
As long as you communicate, be honest and try to work things out fairly, money shouldn’t ruin a relationship.
7) The honeymoon phase is over
It happens to every relationship. The honeymoon phase finishes and the allure starts to fade.
Annoyances creep in and it isn’t as fun as it once was.
But, no it doesn’t mean that your relationship is over. It just means that the relationship is getting real.
Psychologists have said that the more you get to know someone, the more you’ll realize that they are not perfect.
Remember, the honeymoon stage is not reality and it simply isn’t possible for it to last forever.
8) They’re not fulfilling your dreams
As humans, we love to dream and fantasize about our perfect life. But having incredibly high expectations of the “perfect relationship” is setting yourself up for disappointment.
As much as you might fantasize and dream, you’re not a prince or princess and life isn’t always fair.
Sometimes you have to forget about those unrealistic fairytales and front up to reality. If there’s something you really want out of your partner, communicate it!
9) Fear of commitment
This is a common reason to break-up. After all, it’s a big commitment to enter into a long-term relationship.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are times in life when you’re really not ready, but if you can really feel that you like them and you’re getting all the feels, then don’t let the fear of commitment get in your way.
Free masterclass on love and intimacy
If you’re looking for support in deciding whether to stay or leave a relationship, the best resource I can think of is Rudá Iandê’s free masterclass on love and intimacy.
Rudá Iandê’ is a Brazillian Shaman who is an expert on self-improvement and relationships.
Here’s what the masterclass covers:
- How to identify codependency in a relationship. You’ll learn what to do if you are the codependent partner or if it’s your partner that is codependent.
- What it means for someone to be the savior. This is when one of the partners is “rescuing” the other in the relationship. You’ll learn how to handle this situation.
- The power of expectations and how they can destroy your love life.You’ll learn how social expectations and the expectations we have of our partner and of ourselves shape our approach to love.
- A powerful exercise to free yourself from toxic relationships and start taking responsibility.
- You’ll be taken through a powerful exercise from Out of the Box, Rudá Iandê’s online workshop which will immediately create a shift in your perspective on finding true love.
- A new approach to finding true love. By the end of this masterclass, you will have started to create an entirely new aura which will help you to attract beautiful and loving relationships in your life.
- And so much more…
The masterclass goes for about 60 minutes. It’s completely free and it’s put together by our friends at Ideapod.
Check it out, it plays in your local timezone: