My boyfriend of two years said goodbye to our relationship three months ago. It’s been a rocky road since then full of tears, anger, and complete confusion.
I have no idea why it happened frankly and he’s been very uncommunicative about it too, beyond saying he was “dealing with sh*t” and walking away.
At this point, I have been put in a position where I have to get over him despite this breakup being totally sudden and seemingly random. He’s obviously sticking to it.
Here are my guidelines if you’re going through something similar to what I have been.
21 tips on how to get over him when he breaks up with you suddenly
My boyfriend said goodbye for good what seems like a lifetime ago but was actually only three months ago.
He blocked me everywhere and even his friends won’t give me the time of day.
I have only one option left: to get over someone I still love.
This honestly seems like a mission: impossible. Here is what I’m doing to make it happen.
1) Let the grieving take place
When somebody you love says goodbye it turns your world upside down.
Allow yourself to grieve and don’t put a time limit on it either.
Being broken up with like this is among the worst things somebody can go through in life.
It’s similarly traumatic to being ghosted, with your partner randomly telling you it’s not working out and hitting the road with no further explanation.
My boyfriend gave me some clues about what had gone on, but not nearly enough to give me any peace of mind or closure.
Following our split I kept the curtains drawn and sank into a dark place for a while.
There’s no point in lying and claiming I didn’t.
But part of why I’m now at the point where I can say I’m over him is that I allowed myself the time to be sad and mourn the loss of what I’d thought was an amazing relationship.
2) Maintain no contact
When you’ve been blindsided by a sudden breakup from someone you love, the obvious first instinct is to beg them to stay and demand to know more about why they’re breaking up.
I advise the exact opposite.
Maintain no contact for at least a few weeks.
Remember that they have the ability to contact you if they wish and that after doing something so hurtful to you they do not just deserve to be contacted and given more attention by you right now.
You deserve your own time to yourself and it’s crucial that you use this time apart to work on yourself.
Regardless of whether there is a chance you will get reconciled and end up together once again, you must respect yourself enough to stay single for the time being and maintain no contact.
This means for real…
No calls, no texts, no social media messaging, and no hovering or looking at what they’re doing.
3) Speak to an expert
The top tips on how to get over him when he breaks up with you suddenly usually involve boosting your self-esteem and realizing that you can still go on in life even after losing love.
It’s true, for sure.
Yet I have also found that some of the advice can be a bit general.
That’s part of why I contacted a relationship coach in the aftermath of this breakup.
I hit him with the worst situation possible: a man I loved had walked out on me, I didn’t know why and I felt like absolute garbage.
The coach I spoke to was at a site that I highly recommend called Relationship Hero.
My accredited love advisor gave me specific advice and counsel about what I was going through.
I knew it wasn’t my fault, yet he walked me through many of the worries and reservations that I had about what had occurred.
I was incredibly impressed by how useful my coach’s advice was and how much it actually applied directly to my daily life.
It was super easy to get connected several times with him and get the insights and help I needed, even during the darkest times when I was really feeling my love life was completely hopeless.
4) Talk to your friends
The best tips on how to get over him when he breaks up with you suddenly will be realistic and understanding.
Hack Spirit is geared to this kind of advice which is why I write for them. It’s all about self-help and relationship advice without a lot of junk and buzzwords.
The truth is that you’re obviously going to obsess after being dumped suddenly…
You’re obviously going to be crying, catatonic, devastated…
I know I was, and some days I still am.
But I’m so far ahead of the black hole I was in and a huge debt of gratitude for that goes to my closest two girlfriends.
You’ll need shoulders to cry on and people to talk to.
Finding a few good friends who can be there to listen and maybe even give advice is ideal.
But clearly no matter how great the advice you get is it won’t suddenly undo the awful incident which has happened to you.
Nonetheless, analyzing what happened is inevitable, which is why you’re best off doing it in the company of a trusted pal before going insane.
“Give yourself permission to run through the history of the relationship, to try and figure out where things went south,” wrote eHarmony.
“Talking with a trusted friend might even help shed some light.”
I can definitely vouch for this. Nothing replaces a good friend or two who knows you well and who will offer you support and a listening ear in your hour of need.
5) Find another goal to commit yourself to
Another great idea is to find another goal you can commit yourself to.
You likely won’t be able to get your mind or heart off what’s going on, but you can manually get yourself into another gear and focused on something else in your life that interests you.
The basic idea here is to learn a new skill, pursue a work objective or do something else which directs your attention temporarily to a new pursuit.
You will still be broken up inside but you will have much more of your focus taken up by your new goal.
Make sure it is something you’re passionate about and really enjoy doing or want to do since this will make it much more engaging for you.
Whether this is studying a new course at your local community college or trying to do something else that you’ve always wanted like running an online business, go for it. For me, it was embracing my passion for photography and learning how to take pictures of birds in flight (harder than it looks!)
6) Accept your limits of control
I have to admit that the hardest part of my breakup was accepting my limits of control.
My boyfriend and whatever exact “sh*t” he was dealing with remains pretty vague.
I have tried to get him to open up about it, but that didn’t happen which is why I’ve had to truly learn how to get over him.
I have to give huge credit to Relationship Hero here, the coaches I mentioned before.
Connecting up with my coach gave me a big confidence boost about my situation and allowed me to slowly but surely accept what was outside my control.
I do believe that I am the victim of this breakup and that I don’t deserve it.
Yet I’ve also had to accept that knowing I am the victim and was treated very poorly does not entitle me to special treatment.
The situation still is what it is, and facing that head-on has been excruciating but necessary.
7) Avoid the self-blame trap
I have really highlighted how I had to get stronger in the aftermath of this awful breakup.
That’s a fact.
Being victimized by my boyfriend’s own issues left me feeling left behind and powerless.
Regaining power into my own hands was difficult and involved cutting away everything that was his problem and not mine.
The pain of being left hurt just the same even knowing it had mainly been his problems that led to it.
But my realizing that I would get nowhere blaming myself I was able to start making progress.
Focusing on victimhood got me nowhere…
But beating myself up or thinking I was crap because my boyfriend left me was also a dead-end.
8) Fix your most important relationship
There are lots of important tips on how to get over him when he breaks up with you suddenly.
But the most important tip I can give you is what helped me:
It was to fix my most important relationship:
The one I have with myself.
For most of my life, I’ve looked for love outside but then run away once I find it. This is called an anxious-avoidant attachment style.
I am anxious for love and validation, but then when I get it I also run away and feel overwhelmed and unworthy.
It’s kind of a confusing cycle as you can imagine.
I’ve been sort of lost about it and noticed this pattern popping up all the time with my ex, which likely contributed to our breakup.
The solution had to start with rebuilding my foundation, and I learned how to do that from the world-renowned Brazilian shaman Rudá Iandê.
He taught me that the way to find love and intimacy was not what I’d been doing and that there was a whole new way to reorient my approach and reaction to relationships.
I also found out many things I’d been unconsciously doing that were wrecking my chances at finding and keeping love.
As Rudá explains in this excellent free video, many of us are in a cycle of self-sabotage where we can’t obtain the love we want because of certain specific mistakes we are making.
Rudá’s teachings showed me a whole new perspective about love and breakups and really helped me to get over this awful and sudden breakup.
While watching, I felt like someone understood my challenge to find and nurture a love for the first time – and finally offered an actual, practical solution to how to get over this out-of-the-blue breakup that had left me so floored.
9) Look after yourself
A breakup is extremely painful and devaluing.
I know that for a couple of months after my boyfriend ghosted me I felt like the entire world looked down on me and my value was below zero.
My emotional state did not improve by willing myself to be happy or raising my “vibrations” or any crap like that.
Repeating mantras or trying to manifest a better future or reconciliation with him also didn’t work.
What did work, was to physically look after myself.
I’m talking about:
- Taking a spa day and getting the best manicure and pedicure I’ve ever had
- Dying my hair the exact shade I’d always wanted and having it styled to perfection
- Buying clothes I loved and lingerie that hugged all my curves
- Going to a delicious restaurant at least once a week and ordering a fine glass of wine and the daily special.
Not everyone has money to do this I know!
But looking after yourself isn’t always expensive. Sometimes even the small things can make a big difference!
10) Accept more social invitations
Generally, I’m a bit of a stay-at-home girl.
I like to sit and relax with some Netflix and a glass of Cabernet.
Yet I have to credit a massive part of me getting over my ex to becoming more social.
I forced myself, even when I felt like blowing up the world I went out with my friends and had a drink or two.
I like the way Katie Bogen wrote about her boyfriend suddenly breaks up with her and what she did.
“For the first few weeks following the breakup, I vowed to accept every social invitation that came my way.
This was the best decision I could have possibly made.”
It’s the same with me.
I remember a lot of nights that going out for dinner or drinks was the absolute last thing I wanted to do.
Yet doing so turned things around. I’m not saying my mood suddenly turned sunny.
It’s just that I was able to temporarily forget about the dark cloud over me in the bustle and rush of being a social queen bee.
11) Don’t jump to conclusions
This is among the top tips on how to get over him when he breaks up with you suddenly: don’t jump to conclusions.
My ex never explained to me about what was going on, but he broke up for real and meant it.
That became clear in the following weeks when he didn’t come back or try to reconcile with me.
The problem with jumping to conclusions is it gets you all stuck in your head and worried and even sadder than you need to be.
Don’t jump to conclusions about why he broke up with you unless he told you why.
And even when he tells you why, don’t let it control your world.
He has his reasons, sure, but that doesn’t mean that you need to take them to heart or believe they are all correct.
I was fully ready to stand by my boyfriend during the hard time he was having, but he never gave me that chance.
12) Hold back from dating anyone new (at first)
I recommend not going on new dates at least for the first few months.
The danger of reckless rebounds.
I have friends who had bad breakups and tried to cure it through dating anyone who swiped them and it turned out disastrous.
I am so glad I avoided rebounds or dating new people for the first several months.
If you’re still reeling from heartbreak it’s the worst time to go out and try to feign an interest in someone new.
Face your pain and spend some time with friends and away from romance.
Love can be a very cruel game, so don’t be overly available to let it hurt you again.
After a few months have gone by, feel free to approach dating once again, but I’d caution against it in the direct aftermath of having your heart smashed.
13) Focus on your financial wellbeing
It’s true that money can’t buy happiness.
But it can buy days at the spa. It can buy French wine. It can buy a dress that feels like an orgasm.
Furthermore, money can buy you a tiny bit of peace of mind about the future so that the next time your life is shit you at least don’t have to worry about not being able to make rent.
Focusing on my financial well-being has actually been a bit like therapy for me because it gave me something to focus on other than the burning pain inside.
I still felt that pain.
But I channeled it into my job and it even sometimes gave me energy.
I managed to somewhat compartmentalize my life.
Love life: flatlining. Work-life: surging.
14) Maximize your own life and get on track
Focusing on my career was really helpful.
In the aftermath of the breakup, I realized that it wasn’t only my relationship which had gone sideways.
I had no real goals or lust for life anymore. I was sort of just coasting.
It felt like I’d fallen into a real rut and I wasn’t quite sure what to do about it.
The sudden end of my relationship left me feeling terrible for sure yet I also felt a lack even before that.
I didn’t know what I wanted from life and no matter how hard I pushed myself it seemed to make no real difference because I didn’t know why I was bothering.
A program I tried that helped me a ton is called Life Journal, led by the renowned life coach and teacher Jeanette Brown.
Jeanette helped me make a huge shift in mindset.
I saw how it wasn’t lack of effort that was pulling me down, but rather muddled goal setting and a mistaken approach to making career and life goals.
Jeanette focused on putting me in the driver’s seat…
Instead of telling me what to do, her course made me empowered and feel competent about the tools to do it.
I’d been lost in daydreams so long that this course really brought me to my senses and gave me the wake-up call I needed.
I’m not saying it made me get over my ex and my heartbreak, but it sure helped!
15) Kick your butt into gear
You knew it was coming, and that’s because it’s true that exercise is indispensable.
It can be like doing the dishes by hand or cleaning up: you don’t want to do it one bit, but once you do you feel so much better afterwards.
I started pilates three months ago and in conjunction with my online coaching, it’s been a lifesaver.
Truthfully, it’s not just the physical exercise or the endorphin boost.
It’s the discipline of setting my goal of working out every day except Sunday and then doing it.
It’s cranking my favorite music and lifting weights and then doing the pilates classes with a group of strangers, several of whom have actually become pretty good friends.
Kicking my butt into gear has helped me immeasurably.
It’s heightened my discipline and helped me regain a lot of my self-confidence that was shorn away by being left behind so suddenly.
16) Reconnect with old friends
I talked about having several close friends that you can talk to and how vital that can be to the healing process.
Reconnecting with old friends you haven’t seen in a long time is also highly advised.
This was part of how I got into gear about becoming more social.
Several old friends including a close gay friend of mine Javier were sometimes messaging me on social media wanting to hang out.
I’d always defer or say maybe sometime…
I was so caught up in my ex and our life together.
The breakup opened up a lot of new time for me to get social and reconnect with Javier and other friends…
I admit I didn’t appreciate it much…
Talking to people I’d barely seen in years and pretending I was OK?
But it quickly became something more, a time to let loose and just vent at times.
Plus I never knew that my karaoke of “Tiny Dancer” could be that badass. Javier even clapped.
17) Take it easy on the booze
After my breakup, I did drink.
I overdid it and ended up with killer hangovers and some drunken nights out that ended up with puking.
Not proud of that…
That’s why I advise taking it easy on the booze or other substances you enjoy.
I’m not saying to abstain completely, partly because I know that’s not realistic.
But I do urge restraint if possible.
It’s hard on your body and the temporary distraction doesn’t actually pay off in the end.
You’re better off on trying to get your life together and focusing on financial health and goal setting.
Drinking only makes it worse in the end, at least drinking that’s the lonely, sad kind.
A couple of drinks out with friends is something I highly recommend, especially since they’re also there to look out for you.
18) Go light on reminders of the relationship
Reminders of any relationship are always difficult.
This is especially the case when you were left suddenly and ditched without warning like I was.
We have a boomerang from our Australia trip…
The hat I bought him at a random stand downtown that was still hanging on the coat rack when he walked out.
And much more…
I’ve had to be sparing on what I keep, including my ex’s vintage record collection (what a hipster, but still, kind of cool…)
We lived together for a long time.
Clearing out the memories can be tough.
I love marriage therapist Michaela Decker’s advice about this at Self.
“If you don’t want to throw out all the memories associated with your ex, Decker suggests putting them in a box and keeping it out of our eyesight until emotions have died down and you can make a less impulsive decision about what to do with your keepsakes.”
Volunteering is never something I really expected to do.
I was generally very busy with my (two) jobs and thoughts volunteering is more something some retirees or missionaries do to help out extra.
How wrong I was.
I now tutor underprivileged kids twice a week at the local community center and I’ve never done something so rewarding before in my life.
It wasn’t nearly as complicated as I thought.
I did have to do a criminal record check and get a vulnerable person’s check, but after a quick signup and interview, I was in.
I love these kids and it’s amazing to see their smiles light up the room when I come in.
I never thought I’d enjoy so much giving my time and energy just to help out.
Do I always want to go and do my shift? Of course not.
But more often than not I do want to go and it turns out to be so enjoyable, funny, and rewarding.
20) Revenge is best served cold
The thought of getting revenge or messing with your ex may come to mind.
Who can blame you?
In my case, the feelings I still have for him are far from gone, yet at the same time, my respect has all but vanished.
Whatever he was going through that required him to push me aside he could – at the least – have communicated it to me.
I don’t want revenge on my ex, I feel like his life is already shitty enough.
But if you do have a hankering for some payback, please don’t do it in the heat of a moment.
A friend of mine keyed her exes car like crazy on a bender and ended up on a year of probation and had to pay a $5,000 fine.
Revenge is best served cold…
Even if it’s just you walking past your ex a year later looking like you’re on top of the world with someone new on your arm.
21) What if closure never comes?
What if closure never comes?
This is the question that haunts those of us who’ve been left suddenly without any clear explanation.
What if we never really find out exactly why, or what combo of reasons, led to our situation?
It’s almost torture, I know that all too well.
But if closure never comes, and it might not, I want to urge you to remain as strong as possible.
Let the pain flood you at times, because it will, but never make the mistake of thinking you can’t get through this.
You can and you will.
The relationship you had may have meant the world to you.
You may have pictured a life together and even started it for years…
When all that falls apart it’s the hardest thing in the world.
But you can survive this. I promise you. And one day you will be happy again.
I’m moving on
Am I feeling good? No.
Am I moving on? Yes.
The way I see it, I have two basic choices right now and that is to accept what’s happened and move on or to cling to the past and stew in my misery.
That’s it. That’s why I’m moving on.
The start of my new life is today.
It hurts. But every new beginning has some pain involved.
I’m over my ex because I’m now in the next chapter of my life.
I’m sure it’ll have some ups and downs, too.
But I’m here for it.