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When a guy doesn’t want to sleep with you: 10 reasons why & what to do

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Let’s talk stereotypes: most women would agree that men would sleep with a woman on the first date if she’d let him, right?

If we’re talking stereotypes, then yes, that might be seen as true.

You might even believe that statement beyond the confines of a stereotype.

So if you believe that men will sleep with women without a second thought, then the idea of being rejected by a man you wanted to sleep with could be really, really difficult to process.

If you find yourself in the middle of an awkward situation where your date doesn’t want to take you home, you might not know what to make of it.

Don’t all guys want to have sex all the time?

It might be time to ask them instead of assuming we know them better than they know themselves.

If you’re wondering what to do when a guy doesn’t want to sleep with you, then this article is for you.

We’re going through every single potential reason for why he might not want to sleep with you, then we’ll go over why it is not as big a deal as you think it is, and finally, we’ll talk about what you can do about it (depending on what your goals are).

We have a lot to cover so let’s get started.

First thing first: Don’t take it personally.

You’re going to want to take it personally. How could you not?

But before you jump to any conclusions, remember that there is such a thing as respect, honor, and patience in this world.

Not every guy needs to jump into bed with a girl on the first date.

He might want to, but he might also be a believer in getting to know you first or finding out if you’re really compatible beyond the bedroom.

Or, he might not be that into you – either way, it’s not about you.

You’re not worse off because he doesn’t want to have sex with you.

He’s allowed to be choosy, just as you are allowed to be choosy. And it’s not a bad thing.

This is why it’s important that you don’t call him out for it.

You might be inclined to point out that he’s turning down sex, but that will just make you both feel uncomfortable, especially if you eventually do sleep together.

Instead, try respecting his decision the way you’d want him to respect yours if the roles were reversed.

It becomes embarrassing for a guy to have to explain why he doesn’t want to have sex, especially because most women believe and buy into the stereotypes that guys are just sex machines with day jobs.

So now that we’ve got that out of the road, let’s talk about why this guy might be avoiding having sex with you, then we’ll discuss what you can do about it.

7 reasons he doesn’t want to sleep with you

1. He might want a serious relationship with you

I think we can all agree that it is much more meaningful to get to know someone first before sleeping with them. It gives the relationship a much higher chance to survive.

While your first instinct might be to assume he “can’t get it up” or that he must be gay, consider that it’s just not the right time or place.

Things change as you get to know people and he may come around to the idea of being in a more serious relationship with you, but not if you make fun of him or assume anything that makes him feel like less than a man.

Your man might have been burnt in the past. He may have developed feelings for a girl and she left him after she had her fun with him. It does happen!

And perhaps he just doesn’t want to go through that again.

Therefore, he wants to build trust and rapport before sleeping with you.

After all, if he wants to eventually be in a serious relationship with you, he’s not going to ruin it by sleeping with you too quickly.

2. He might be hurting

If you’re asking him to come home with you and you’ve only just met, it might be that he is just getting out of a relationship or had his heart broken by someone else.

He might be comparing this situation to another situation that didn’t end up so well. Again, don’t assume you know what he wants or needs.

It doesn’t make you a bad person for wanting to sleep with him, by the way, it just means you need to be patient in some cases for guys to figure their shit out the way girls expect guys to wait on them.

3. He’s getting it from someone else

Unfortunately, this can be more common than you think.

He might not be interested in having sex with you because he is getting it from someone else.

I understand that this might hurt to hear, but in the age of tinder and online dating apps, hookups are more accessible than ever.

Now it’s imperative to remember: If you’re not in a committed relationship, then you can’t really blame him for sleeping with other women.

It sucks, but until you have a conversation about being exclusive with each other, you can’t expect him to only see you.

And if he is satisfying his desires elsewhere, then he might be less likely to want it with you.

The only way you’ll know if this is the case is if you bring it up.

Perhaps you don’t need to ask him directly, “are you sleeping with other women?”, but you can ask him questions related to his dating life.

This also doesn’t mean that he prefers you over other girls, but he may see you as a girl that he wants to build a relationship with, which is why he’d prefer to wait to sleep with you.

After all, relationships are more likely to last when you’ve developed significant rapport before sleeping with someone.

So don’t fret. Over time you’ll begin to know his real intentions.

The bottom line is this:

If he keeps seeing you, and asking you out on dates, but he isn’t sleeping with you, then it probably points to the fact that he wants to eventually build a meaningful relationship with you.

4. He might have performance anxiety

Performance anxiety is when a guy gets so anxious about performing in bed that it interferes with the normal functioning of his libido.

If your guy isn’t very experienced or is just an anxious kind of guy, then he might be avoiding having sex with you because he’s worried he won’t be able to perform.

Anxiety can be a really difficult emotion to deal with.

What can you do if you suspect this might be the case?

Tread carefully. Men can be sensitive about their inability to perform, and he might have been struggling with it for a while.

If you put pressure on him, then it might make his performance anxiety worse.

The best thing you can do is not pressure him. Build rapport and trust. Eventually, he’ll come around.

The good news?

Once you guys do sleep together, it’s highly likely that his performance anxiety will go away. You just need to be patient.

5. It may be biological

Do you get the feeling that this guy actually is excited to have sex with you?

But the problem is that his buddy down below doesn’t seem to be working?

There can be many biological reasons for this.

For example, if a man is having trouble with his testosterone levels (because he is getting older, or has other health issues) then there might not be as much blood flowing around.

Therefore, his mind is telling him that he is sexually excited by you, but his groin area isn’t computing.

Stress, anxiety, or depression can also hinder a person physically to the point where not every organ is functioning as it should.

Or perhaps this guy is on some sort of medication?

Different kinds of medication can hinder sex drive.

You’ve probably heard that antidepressant medication has this effect. That’s just one example.

The fact of the matter is this:

Many different things can affect our biology, and if you’ve noticed that your man is on some sort of medication, or has recently been more stressed or anxious than usual, then that is a likely culprit for this man is no longer sexually attracted to you.

6. He’s not ready to have sex with you

Perhaps your man hasn’t slept with many women and he considers it a big step in a relationship.

For him, once you have sex, it’s game over. You guys are in a fully-fledged relationship and you’re not far away from marriage.

Or perhaps he just doesn’t feel that comfortable with you yet.

Let’s be honest:

Sex is an intimate behavior, and most people want to make sure they’re doing it with the right person.

I’m sure you agree.

Maybe this guy takes it to the extreme.

But it may also mean that he is a gentleman and he treats women well.

The other extreme scenario (which is not as common as it used to be) is that he is saving himself for marriage.

If you suspect that this is the case then it’s important that you’re in the know about his cultural background and beliefs.

For example, people with different cultural backgrounds often have different views about sex.

Some cultures are very open about it, whereas other cultures believe that you should only be having sex with someone you’re married to.

7. He might not be attracted to you

This is an unfortunate reality that can be difficult to admit when you really like a guy.

But some men have particular tastes when it comes to sex, and it might be that he simply isn’t that attracted to you and he isn’t interested.

Don’t get down, though. Perhaps most men do find you attractive, but this guy is in the weird minority.

Stereotypes Abound and Contradictory Evidence

It might seem like a double standard to tell a woman she has to wait to have sex with a man given all the stereotypes around sex and men, but if you say it to men, you have to say it to women: if you don’t hold each other to the same standard, there can be no standard.

So while it seems weird to tell a woman to hold her horses and be respectful, it is the right thing to do.

Guys are allowed to say no just as much as women are, but women forget that and end up crucifying them for rejecting women sometimes.

The best approach is to talk about it and be respectful of whatever he tells you: whether you like the answer or not.

What if you’re in a relationship with your man, and he’s suddenly turning down sex with you?

The previous signs we’ve discussed have referred to a guy who’s not in a relationship with you who doesn’t want to sleep with you, but I realize that some people reading this article will already be in a relationship with their man.

If that’s the case, then what you need to realize is that men and women want and need different things in relationships, and sometimes, no matter how strong the love, things just don’t work out in the bedroom.

While it might seem trite to base an entire relationship on good sex, good sex is exactly what a relationship needs to survive the long-term nature of a strong relationship.

If you can’t connect physically, even through touch or a hug, there won’t be a meaningful connection.

If you’ve found yourself faced with this reality as of late, you know exactly what we’re talking about.

A sexless relationship is like a giant elephant in the room nobody is talking about.

And it needs to be talked about.

In order to move forward, you first have to understand why this has happened. Then you can make decisions about where to go from here.

Here are some of the reasons why a guy might be avoiding sex when they’re in a relationship, and after that, we’ll talk about what you can do about it (which will apply whether you’re in a relationship or not with your guy).

1. There’s no more love

While you might be telling yourself you still love this person, your lack of physical connection speaks louder than your words.

You have to be physically attracted to your partner in some way for this to work. Unless the two of you agree that you don’t need sex to be happy, then it’s not going to work.

And if you’re like most people, you want sex to be an impoartant part of your relationship.

One of the reasons your physical relationship has suffered might be because you don’t have any love to give.

If you feel distance between you or know that you don’t love someone the way you used to, it’s hard to express yourself physically.

2. There’s someone else

Before you assume that your partner is cheating on you, look at your own life.

Is there someone in your life that is getting some attention from you that you shouldn’t be giving them?

You might not be cheating in the traditional sense, but before you point fingers at your partner and blame them for your sexless relationship, make sure you’re not wishing you were sleeping with someone else entirely.

You might spend all day working with someone you’re attracted to and not even realize it.

Get clear on where you are and then talk to your partner about any other interest they might have.

Nobody said it was going to be an easy conversation, but if you want to understand why you’re not sleeping together, it’s important to get this possible issue out of the way as soon as possible.

3. There’s anger in the air

Perhaps you had a bad fight or went through a traumatic experience together and can’t seem to get over it.

Couples who have lost children or blame their partner for an accident or trauma often suffer physically and emotionally for years without dealing with it.

If you can’t identify something recent, try looking to your past for evidence for a clear indicator of when things changed for you.

Surely you weren’t always like this.

If you can pinpoint when the shift started in your relationship, you can confront those demons and try to put the pieces back together.

4. You’ve changed.

It’s no secret that people change and grow over time, which means that your tastes, wants and needs change with you.

If you were once reserved and quiet but now like to party and be out late, your partner might find it difficult to be attracted to you like that.

Or maybe the same is true of him or her: they might be different from when you met and you can’t wrap your head around that.

There are all kinds of reasons why relationships fall apart and why couples drift away from one another but the loss of intimacy is hard to get back.

It requires a lot of trust and when an underlying reason has broken that trust, it can feel like you’re looking at a stranger.

If you’re really struggling with the loss of physical intimacy in your relationship, talking to a certified sex therapist or a couples counseller may be very helpful for you.

It will require both you and your partner to be open and honest about what you want and need, but it could save your relationship.

It’s not impossible to get that physical intimacy back, but it’s gone forever if you don’t acknowledge it and work to get it back together.

Now that we’ve discussed why this guy might not want to sleep with you, let’s talk about what you can do to rectify the situation.

When he doesn’t want to sleep with you: Here is what you need to do

1. Work out the reason why he has lost sexual interest

Think about the reasons above, talk with him, and try to decipher why he doesn’t want to sleep with you.

Is he not attracted to you? Or is there a biological reason?

If he is not attracted to you, then you’re going to have to figure out how to attract this man (we’ll go over that below).

If it is a biological reason, then, unfortunately, there is not much you can do about it.

You can be patient and avoid putting pressure on him. But it’s up to him to figure out the solution to his own biological problems.

The good news is that his lack of sexual interest in you has nothing to do with you, but it may be worth talking about the solutions with him.

Now below I’m going to suggest everything that you can do to make your man more sexually excited by you.

2. Learn to flirt..the right way

Maybe you already think that you are a good flirt, but the fact of the matter is that the guy you like doesn’t want to sleep with you…yet.

Flirting is a learnable skill and we can always get better at it.

Now I’m sure we can all agree that it’s easier to flirt with some guys than it is with others.

After all, sometimes you just have instant chemistry and rapport with someone.

Well, now it’s time to learn some tricks of the trade that will enable you to flirt with absolutely anybody.

Don’t fall into the trap of expecting the man to do all the flirting. Some guys don’t find that very attractive because they need to do all the work.

Think of flirting as a process of communication. It’s an opportunity for you to show him a little of who you are and open up your personality to him in a way you don’t to other people.

By flirting, you’re giving him your full attention (and that’s hot).

Here are some practical tips to implement the next time you flirt with your guy.

1) Draw attention to your lips. Yep, this does actually work. Keep chapstick or lipgloss in your bag and get pouty.

2) If you’re in a group of people, say hi while looking at everyone but him. He’ll feel left out. Then include him in the conversation slightly later and it’ll make his day.

3) Do the bump-and-flatter. “Accidentally” run into him in a crowd or at a party and laugh and say: “Oh, sorry – I become a total klutz around cute people”. They’ll be immediately flattered and will want to get to know you.

4) Get eye contact with your crush. Instead of looking away like most people usually, look at him directly, smile and wink. It will show you’re incredibly confident and if he has any balls, he’ll then come talk to you.

5) Check out their clothes. Make a comment about them. This doesn’t usually happen to guys so you’ll appear interested and a conversation should ensue.

6) Playfully hit him. This should help him understand that you like him, and it’s fun!

7) Compare your hand sizes. “Wow, your hands are so much bigger than mine”.

8) Cold and hug. If it’s cold, ask for a cuddle to keep warm.

9) Use back-handed compliments.

For example, you could say, “Your nose is so cute. It wiggles when you laugh.” Or “You’re smile is cute. It’s a little crooked, I love it!”.

These aren’t insults, but they’re simply things that other females who are interested in him won’t say.

It’s like you’re negating your own interest, and making him wonder whether you like him or not. It’s a great, fun way to play “hard to get”.

Don’t use these too often, just occasionally. Remember, giving flat out compliments can make you appear a bit easy, and usually guys love a chase. But these “compliments” are different and will spark the “chase” in him.

Top tip:

If you’re finding flirting hard, try treating it like a joke or a game. Stop worrying about the outcome or whether you’ll get anything back.

It can be easier to make your flirting really obvious, rather than worrying about whether you’re being subtle.

So, if he offers you a drink, say something like “are you trying to take advantage of me?” in a laughing, jokey way.

He’ll get the message you’re interested and you’ll have given him the opportunity to say something flirty back. If he doesn’t, you can move on without being embarrassed, because it’s all just been a joke, right?

3. Trigger his hero instinct

For a guy to be attracted to you, you need to trigger something deep inside him. Something he needs.

What is it?

Well, according to a new popular theory called the “hero instinct”, a man needs to feel like a hero to his woman to commit over the long haul.

He needs to feel like her provider and protector.

Look, I’m the first to say that this seems kind of silly from a female’s perspective.

After all, no woman these days needs a hero in her life. I’m sure you’re completely independent and you’ve got your own life on lock.

But the ironic truth is this: Men do still need to be a hero. It’s built into their DNA to seek out relationships that allow them to feel like a protector.

They want to step up to the plate for the woman in their lives and make her feel comfortable and secure.

The “hero instinct” was actually coined by relationship expert James Bauer and it makes a lot of sense from an evolutionary standpoint.

Now I’m sure you’re wondering:

“How can I trigger the hero instinct?”

Good question. You can’t just give him admiration when you see him. That will be a little too obvious. Men don’t like “participation awards” for just showing up.

He needs to feel like he has earned your respect.

The good news?

There are phrases you can say, texts you can send, and little requests you can use to trigger his hero instinct.

If you want to learn these techniques, then I highly recommend you check out James Bauer’s latest short video.

He’ll talk about what the hero instinct is, why it’s imperative for a female to understand, and the techniques you use to trigger it.

Some ideas are life-changing. And for relationships, I think this is one of them. That’s why I recommend watching James Bauer’s free online video here.

4. Speak to him in a way that he will understand

Have you ever tried to talk with him about his feelings?

I’m guessing that it wasn’t easy. Men aren’t exactly great at communicating their emotions. And you might be turning him off by trying to get him to open up to you.

Female and male brains are largely different.

For example,

This is why there is so much confusion in understanding what men and women want. Women are in touch with their emotions. They know what they are feeling.

But men on the other hand are not. They don’t really know what they are feeling. And they struggle to communicate it.

This is why there are so many emotionally unavailable men out there.

So to communicate with him in the right way, you need to communicate with him in a way that you’ll actually understand.

Relationship expert Amy North has an excellent video that communicates how to do this.

In her video, Amy North reveals exactly what to say to a man to make him want to commit to a deep and passionate relationship with you. These words work surprisingly well on even the coldest and most commitment-phobic men.

If you want to learn science-based techniques to attract men and get them to commit to you, check out her free video here.

5. Feel and look good

Look, there’s nothing more attractive than a woman that is happy, confident, and who takes care of herself.

When you’re confident in yourself, you exude sexiness and positivity. Men pick up on these vibes.

We’ve all seen this type of girl walk down the street. She walks confidently in high heels, with her shoulders back, and head held high. Everybody can’t help but look.
It’s what I like to call sexy feminity.

So, what does it take for you to feel confident in yourself?

Only you know that. You’ve undoubtedly read loads of tips telling you to buy sexy lingerie and try a higher heel. All these things may help, but they need to mean something to you. They need to make you feel good.

It doesn’t have to be high heels. If you feel better about yourself after a run, then go ahead a do that!

The key thing here is that looking good, feeling confident, and sexy is about what’s important to you.

If being fit is important, then go to the gym.

If wearing sexy clothes is important, go shopping.

If showing your bubbly personality is important, then smile.

Find a way to let that inner, confident sexiness shine out, and you’re showing him that you’re going to be great in bed and a lot of fun to be around.

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Written by Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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