The key to understanding what turns on a female narcissist lies in knowing what makes them tick.
Female narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance and superiority.
Feeding this is essential to keep her interested.
But narcissists are also complex. And so for that reason, some of the ways to best turn her on may well surprise you.
10 things that turn on a female narcissist
1) Plenty of compliments
How do you keep a female narcissist interested?
By paying her as many compliments as she thinks she deserves. And that is a lot of compliments.
As defined by the Mayo Clinic, narcissists “have an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.”
She always needs to feel that strong admiration from you.
A regular woman who is constantly showered with compliments might find this level of attention cheesy, over the top, or even insincere.
But because of a female narcissist’s over-inflated sense of self, she wants this level of praise.
If she doesn’t get it, she won’t be happy.
She wants to hear how special she is, how gorgeous she is, how great she looks in her outfit, how smart she is, how funny she is, how interesting she is, and how amazing she is to be around.
You have to buy into her own story that she is the best. And a way you can prove that is through lots of words of affirmation.
If you want to turn on a female narcissist then be sure to keep those compliments coming.
And the more excessive, the better!
2) Letting her talk about herself
The reality is that we all like to talk about ourselves.
Even when you’re not a narcissist, research has shown that it is often our favorite topic.
As explained in Psychology Today:
“As research reported in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, study subjects showed signs of activity in the areas of the brain that are linked to value and motivation when they talked about themselves. Talking about oneself activates the same areas of the brain that light up when eating good food, taking drugs, and even having sex. Simply put, self-disclosure is gratifying. It gives us a neurological buzz.”
So it stands to reason that this self-obsessed desire to talk about herself exists tenfold in a female narcissist.
Narcissists tend to make everything about themselves. So to turn on a female narcissist, they want you to go along with the “me show”.
They will get quickly bored if you want to share the limelight. They prefer you to take a back seat.
The more you seem interested in every little thing she says and does, the more flattered she will feel.
That means attentively listening as she talks about herself, and asking plenty of questions that prove that you’re fascinated to know more.
3) Feeling in control
Ultimately the overriding game that all narcissists play is one of taking control. It’s their way of feeling powerful. They crave power, and they crave respect.
In order to feel respected, they must first feel powerful. This is why they love to tell you what to do.
To them, other people are just potential puppets on a string. You are there to serve their needs.
If you let her know that you’re willing to follow her lead, she’ll feel important. If you don’t, she’ll feel disrespected.
One way to placate a female narcissist and turn her on can be to at least give her the illusion that she is the one who has control of the relationship.
For example, the more concessions you make and let her get her own way in even the smallest of ways, the more in charge she will feel.
Because narcissists are obsessed with their own self-image, status is incredibly important to them.
And that includes when it comes to romance too. The status of the person a narcissist dates reflects on them.
They are often on the lookout for anything or anyone who is going to bump up their own feeling of social self-importance.
That means guys with strong social status are often preferable to female narcissists.
For her to feel desire, a female narcissist wants to feel like she is going to benefit from being with you. Otherwise, what’s in it for her, right?!
It might be wealth, respect, power, or physical strength that they get more turned on by. But it can also be a general air of status that a man gives off.
Plenty of men carry high status without having fame, fortune, or power.
That’s because a guy shows off whether he is high status in many subtle (and often unconscious) ways. It’s that almost undefinable quality often known as “swagger”.
And this can be one of the potentially surprising (and almost contradictory) things about a narcissist.
She isn’t always on the lookout for an obvious doormat. Because the guys who give off an air of status are a far bigger prize to win and eventually conquer.
Desperate guys don’t boost her ego. They need to present themselves as some kind of catch.
This is something relationship expert Kate Spring perfectly explains in this excellent free video.
She teaches average guys how to tap into the signals they’re giving off to women to inflate their status.
Women are deeply attracted to certain signals at a biological level. And men who display these are far more appealing to any woman, including narcissists.
For that reason, I’d really recommend taking a few minutes to check out that free video.
5) Showing off
Another potentially surprising aspect of narcissists’ behavior is that they can be very keen to impress.
And so they are fully capable of charming someone when it suits them. Particularly in the beginning, this is one of their tools to get you under their spell.
She wants you to adore her, and so to win your favor, she may well do and say things that seem solely designed to charm you.
Of course, rather than being about you, it’s still about them.
This magnetism serves the purpose of a) making you fall for her and b) proving that she is worthy of your attention and flattery.
So you might find that bragging, boasting, and showing off is something that turns her on.
This can include both inside and outside the bedroom. But the underlying feature is that it is a performance.
She puts on a show but will expect to be fully recognized for it.
She may be quite a generous lover. But the aim is to prove how amazing she is, rather than about pleasing you.
What does a female narcissist want in bed?
Her preferences will obviously depend on the woman. But she definitely wants to make it all about her needs. So the best way to turn her on is to ask her what she likes.
But more generally, she wants to hear that she is the best lover you have ever had.
She wants you to inflate her ego and leave her in zero doubt of what a firecracker she is in the bedroom and exactly how much she blows your mind.
6) Playing games
Narcissists are good manipulators.
They enjoy the game of getting what they want and controlling someone else.
It turns on a female narcissist to toy with your feelings. It’s the ultimate game of cat and mouse. And it can give her pleasure to play with you by letting you go and catching you again.
You might find she is hot and cold. She likes to push you away and pull you close again.
It’s like the old premise of “treat ’em mean to keep ’em keen” but turbo-charged.
This abusive cycle keeps you constantly wondering where you stand and feeling threatened. And she loves the edge it gives her that makes her feel like she is holding all the cards.
Some ways of playing mind games with you that give her a kick can be:
- Gaslighting you — makes you question your own thoughts and feelings.
- Love bombing you — coming on really strong really quickly.
- Ignoring you — either ghosting or ignoring you for long periods of time.
- Punishing you — If you don’t do what she wants you might get the cold shoulder, be criticized, insulted, or be denied something by her. She may also seek revenge to try to punish you.
- Guilt tripping you — playing the victim to try to make you feel bad, and her seem like the innocent party.
- Triangulation— using someone else to try to exclude you and create friction, confusion, and jealousy.
It’s not that the game playing itself turns on female narcissists. It’s more the sense of control and power they get from doing so that turns them on.
7) To be needed and wanted by you
The deep dark secret that narcissists are trying to hide is that far from thinking they are the best in the world, they’re actually incredibly insecure.
They cannot handle this vulnerability.
The lack of true self-esteem leads them to seek it outside of themselves. And that’s when things get ugly if it doesn’t feel enough.
(Although sadly with narcissists it is never enough).
In order to boost their self-esteem, they want to feel that you want them and need them above anyone else.
Second best is never going to do for her.
In order to feel special, she may seek out someone who is prone to codependency.
In the psychology world, this is known as “narcissistic supply.” She has to feel like you depend on her to make her feel secure.
That’s because narcissists have a very insecure attachment style. As highlighted by Psych Central:
“People with narcissism usually suffer with a form of early childhood attachment trauma (interpersonal abuse.) At some point in early childhood the narcissist was not properly attached to, or was insufficiently loved. Because of this, he learned how to survive in relationships using a sort of barter system, rather than relying on normal human connection skills (because these were not properly internalized in his psyche.) Narcissistic supply is a form of payment given by others in order to be in a relationship with a narcissist.”
To turn a narcissist on, she wants to feel like she is at the center of your world.
8) Gifts and love tokens
Narcissists can feel validated by material things.
She will love it when someone goes out of their way to buy gifts for her. This could mean anything from flowers to expensive jewelry.
But it’s not just about the gift. It’s about the gesture behind it. To her, it says she is worth it. That you care about her and that she is important to you.
Of course, to status-obsessed narcissists, it’s certainly not just the thought that counts.
Turn up with something that she feels is beneath her and rather than be grateful she is likely to be very unimpressed.
The more lavish the gift or gesture, the more self-important it allows her to feel.
Surprise her with something that she can show off to other people about and she’s likely to be even more turned on.
9) Getting you to do what she wants
I already mentioned earlier that female narcissists don’t like a guy who is a total pushover.
That’s because it doesn’t present as much of a challenge in feeling like she is winning.
The essence of conquering someone has to involve some sort of battle to be defeated in.
That’s why she loves getting her own way, by convincing a guy to do what she wants.
It is getting her own way that makes her feel powerful and in control.
If you say no to her, it’s even more of a turn-on trying to get you to agree, if she knows you don’t really want to.
That’s why partners of narcissists can often feel like they are talked (or bullied) into doing things they would rather not.
Female narcissists live in their own little world where they are Queen Bee.
They make believe that they wear the crown and they enjoy living within this delusion.
They can go to great lengths to try to impress you. They might even lie about where they live, work or study.
They’ll tell you all sorts of stories about their family life and past in order to get the upper hand.
She can also enjoy fantasy in the bedroom if it plays into strengthening the self-image they are trying to maintain and cultivate.
To conclude: What are female narcissists attracted to?
In order to get the attention of a female narcissist, the best way to get them (and keep) them interested is by:
- Being a bit of a challenge. Bolster your status and make her think you are a worthy catch.
- Flatter, pursue, make her feel good about herself, validate her, and be patient about putting up with her controlling behavior.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.