Tran Thi Tra My
You’ve been seeing each other and texting on the regular when all of a sudden, he just disappeared.
It wasn’t easy having to realize that you just got ghosted. But you’re strong, and you picked yourself up and moved on.
To help you deal with this guy and his vanishing act, here are ten things you should say to a man when he comes back after disappearing.
1) “Oh hey, you’re still alive!”
Sometimes a bit of humor helps instead of telling him a very dramatic speech of how he hurt your feelings or sending him a long-ass essay of how he should treat you.
Say it with a teasing, sarcastic tone and a smile. Keep it light rather than sharp and biting.
You don’t want to pretend nothing happened, but you don’t want to come off as if you’re taking it way too seriously either.
You want to put across the message that his disappearing act isn’t just nothing to you. You might be nice, but you don’t take it lightly if someone treats you badly.
What I especially like about this approach is that you have a chance to catch his candid reaction, especially when you say it in real life.
If he has good reasons for going MIA on you, he won’t fumble.
However, if he knows deep inside that he was a jerk for disappearing on you, he’ll be caught off guard by your comment, and this shock might make him reveal his true reasons for ghosting you.
2) “Are you okay?”
I like this question because it can be interpreted in many ways.
“Are you okay?” could sound like there’s genuine concern for the other person. It can sound like “Are you hurt? Are you going through something? Is everything alright?”
“Are you okay?” could also sound like it’s directly related to your relationship. It can sound like “Are you still okay with us? Are you okay to continue what we have?”
And “Are you okay?” could also sound like a punch in the nose, like “Do you seriously think you can get away with disappearing on me just like that? Who do you think you are?!”
Of course, if delivered in person, your body language and tone of voice could clue him in on what you really mean. But it’s much more vague when done through text…and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
You see, how he interprets your simple question will somehow reflect how he thinks about his sudden disappearance (and how he sees you). And it will force him to explain what he did if he’s guilty enough.
3) “I’m doing good. You?”
Reply this if he texts you a generic “Zup?” or “How are you doing?”
Keep it short and simple, not only because that’s all he deserves but also because it will show him that you have a full life even without him.
If you send a long reply, it could make him feel that you have no life outside of him. And we absolutely don’t want that!
The casual nonchalance in “I’m doing good” informs him that while you’re being polite, you’re not exactly desperate to take him back into your life.
It also doesn’t give away that much about your life, so he’s left guessing.
He’d wonder if you’re seeing someone else, how your last project went, what you did on the weekends he was gone.
Don’t be too excited to tell him what he missed from leaving you. In fact, withhold that information unless he deserves it.
You want to show him that because he went MIA all of a sudden, he’ll miss out on your life…and that he doesn’t have the privilege of getting updates from you. No recaps or TLDR’s about your life. Nothing.
4) “Oh, I’ve been well. Just been having a lot of fun.”
This is like “I’m good” except that you make him get really curious about you.
He’d wonder “Fun? What kind of fun?”
“Fun” can mean many different things depending on the person involved. It could be sex, or it could be going on a food crawl… or even just getting your hands on a good book.
But one thing is for sure—you’re living the good life, he doesn’t know how, and he’d definitely feel like he’s missing out on something.
And this will make you irresistible, as far as he’s concerned.
5) “What have you been up to?”
Surely he hasn’t been idle in the time that he had disappeared from your life. It’s not like he disappeared into nothing at the snap of a finger and then reappeared in the future.
So you might as well pry a little into that and ask him what he’s been up to. You bring the conversation to him and give him the opportunity to fill you in on the comings and goings of his life.
In that respect, it’s similar to asking “Are you okay”, but arguably better than it in many respects.
You see, if he’s a guy who knows how to read between the lines, he will hear it as “What is it that’s more important than me?”
If he says “Oh the usual” or “Nothing much” when you ask him what he’s been doing lately, then it should be clear to you that this guy is a little insensitive and/or he doesn’t want to be accountable for other people’s feelings.
It’s up to you if you want to give him one more chance or disappear on him, too.
But if he’s a good guy who just got lazy or sidetracked, he will give you a detailed response to your question and connect it to his sudden disappearance.
He should say something like “Oh I got so stressed at work. We almost missed a deadline. And that’s why I disappeared off the face of the earth. I know it’s rude of me and I’m sorry.”
6) “Why did you disappear just like that?”
If he talks to you as if nothing happened, corner him and go straight to the point.
There’s no point in being nice and taking it slow with a guy who might not know basic dating etiquette. But again, do it as politely as you can.
Don’t feel bad or guilty for doing it. It’s your right.
You’re not being overbearing or bitchy if you do this. For the love of Christ, you’re the one who suffered from something he deliberately did. You DESERVE an explanation.
Most girls are afraid of direct confrontation because they don’t want to be labeled bitchy, but being straight to the point isn’t bitchy. If anything, it saves you both of your time.
You might think “Oh, but we’re not really a couple.”, and I will tell you that first of all, you probably should be glad you still aren’t. And second, so what? You have a right to know what happened if he suddenly disappeared from you and didn’t respond to your calls and messages after weeks of talking daily.
Don’t make it easy on him. Why should you? Did he make it easy for you when he disappeared?
He could have just exited politely by saying “Hey, I’m really not doing good lately. I hope it’s okay for you if I disappear for a while.” or something. But he didn’t.
And so you asking him to explain his bad behavior is to be expected.
7) “I can’t say it didn’t bother me.”
It’s always a good idea to be honest when it comes to dating. Don’t worry about appearing clingy or being called aggressive or even crazy.
Good communication is essential for any kind of relationship, and it’s especially necessary if you ever find him a good candidate as a boyfriend.
So go ahead and say it. Of course, you have no right to attack him with harsh words but you cannot just continue where you left off (or he left off) and be all cool. Your resentment might grow and he might start to think you’re actually just okay with what he did.
You want to be very, very clear that you’re not happy with what he did, and that you will not tolerate the same act if the two of you ever will ever become a couple.
8) “I understand.”
I know a part of you thinks he’s a jerk, or that he’s a player, or that he’s a narcissist who only wants to break your heart.
He probably is all that but if he gives an explanation, listen. Truly listen and try your best to tone down the voice in your head that’s saying “This is BS!”
After all, let’s be honest here, he owes you nothing.
What he did wasn’t nice but it wasn’t a crime either. And if it happened only once, then I don’t see why you shouldn’t see his disappearance as a one-time thing?
Kill him with kindness.
And you know what? This could make him think you’re different from other girls…and it could probably be the reason that he would want to commit.
9) “I was worried about you.”
This works for the same reasons that extending understanding helps. It disarms him and makes you look like the most amazing girl in the world.
It shows him that you care—that even though he did something most girls would find unforgivable, you have it in you to worry about him and his well-being anyways.
Of course, don’t say this just to project the image of being a caring person. You have to say it only if you are genuinely worried.
Trust me. Men are more perceptive than you might realize. Fake it, and he’ll spot your false concern from a mile away.
Being a little specific also helps. You can say something like “I was worried you got into an accident”, or “I was worried you fell on hard times.”
10) “ I don’t want you disappearing like that again.”
He knows he committed an offense but he came back anyway. This means you’re special.
He probably realized what he’s missing while he went no-contact, and now he’s sure of you and wants to pursue you…well, at least that’s usually the case.
Well then, after he committed an offense, he should be ready to make things right. You have the upperhand.
Don’t play games on this guy. If he was lost, now he’s found. If he was lazy, now he’s willing to put in the effort. Guide him and guide him well if you really like him.
Tell him you don’t ever want him to do that again. And if he does, that means he can lose you for good.
If he promises that he won’t, then you have to trust him fully again.
HOW YOU CAN TURN THINGS AROUND
While I gave you specific things to say to a guy who disappeared on you, it’s important that you know how to steer the car to the right direction.
Here are the steps you should do if you eventually want to have a relationship with this guy.
1) Keep your cool.
It’s easy to assume that he’s just being an asshole. But you must stay calm. Ask yourself what you want to do with him moving forward.
If the very thought of him makes you uncontrollably mad, then you probably shouldn’t talk to him at all. There’s just no point, and moving on and starting a clean slate with someone else would be much more helpful.
But I assume you’re not that big on abandoning him quite yet. So try to find ways to keep your cool before talking to him.
Look, he might seem dense, but he probably knows more than you think he does.
He knows you’ll be mad at him for disappearing. He knows things will not be the same again. He knows he has to work hard to win you again.
What am I getting at?
Him going back to you is a sign of courage. It’s a sign that he’s willing to take the consequences of his actions. He could just not talk to you at all, but he did.
The worst thing you can do, if you still really like to fix what you have, is by going off on him or getting heated in the middle of a talk.
Sure, that can be cathartic, but you might just end up scaring him away for good.
2) Define your relationship.
Are you already a couple? Are you exclusively dating? Are you just casual? Are you friends with benefits?
You’re both unsure, and you probably don’t see each other in the same way.
For example, you might have thought you were dating already while on his end he thought you were just friends with benefits.
And that might be why he thought that him disappearing on you isn’t a big deal.
That, or it was the reason why he disappeared, whether it’s to process his emotions or to make you “realize” your emotions. It might seem childish but hey, I know a lot of women who do it, and there’s no reason why only women can play “chase me” games!
So set things straight, and define your relationship with him.
First it would help to ask him why he disappeared all of a sudden, and then to ask him what he thinks about you.
If you got hurt because you thought you had something going on, then tell him so. Be heartfelt, and pay attention to his reactions.
After that, try to talk to him about what both of you want out of your relationship together moving forward. Do you still want to be in a relationship together with him? Do you just want to be friends? Perhaps friends with benefits?
Who knows—this might be what will finally push you into an official relationship together.
And if you want to just be friends—benefits notwithstanding—then that’s fine too. Sometimes people might mesh together well as friends, but simply don’t have the chemistry to be in a relationship.
3) Work out a compromise.
Trying to get back together with him isn’t going to be of help if you don’t guide him into treating you right. He might as well end up making the same big mistakes he did the first time around.
At the same time, if there are genuine reasons why he had to disappear—and why he might disappear again in the future—it would also go a long way for you to exercise some understanding.
So what you should do is find time to sit down and talk things over. Tell him what he must do to treat you right, and tell him what he must avoid if he doesn’t want to hurt you. For example, if you hate it when he stops communicating for weeks on end, then you can ask him to at least try to warn you if he must go quiet. It helps.
And as mentioned earlier, sometimes he has reasons to go quiet, and even if he agrees to warn you, he probably won’t be able to every time. You have to be ready to be more understanding.
For example, if he is somewhere with poor internet connection, then while he might be able to warn you about predicted outages, the unexpected will still happen.
You can’t have it your way all the way in a relationship.
Compromises and understanding are necessary in any relationship, and you need to deal with meeting in the middle if your relationship is to thrive.
CONCLUSION
It can be infuriating (and insulting!) when a man does the disappearing act and then comes back as if nothing happened.
But if it helps, dating just isn’t that easy for most people, and some have legitimate reasons for disappearing.
What matters is that he’s now back in your life.
If you want to keep him for good, then make the most of his disappearing act by using it to start conversations about important things like commitment and boundaries.
And if you’re especially savvy, you can use it to gauge how he feels about you and then make him infatuated with you. All doable with just the right words.
