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What to do when you get rejected by every girl (18 helpful tips)

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I’d like to think I’m a decent-looking, smart and funny guy.

But there were years when I got rejected by every girl I approached:

Even the ones I barely wanted!

Fortunately, that’s all changed…

After learning some key basics of relating to and attracting women I’m happy to tell you that my romantic life really turned around.

In fact, I’m now happily engaged and have found the woman of my dreams. How did I do it?

I’m going to tell you.

I know you’ve heard this before about supposed “secrets”, “hacks” and “pick up techniques” that will suddenly open the world of love and sex to you, but I’m going to be completely honest with you.

It’s much easier and simpler than you think.

You don’t need to be a supermodel, you don’t need to be a Rhodes scholar, and you don’t need to know any special “secret”.

If you’re like me a few years ago and you get rejected by every girl then you’re angry, depressed, and feeling lost in a dark wilderness full of hissing snakes and dangerous quicksand…

Follow me and I’ll show you the way out.

The bitter sting of rejection

In order to answer this question, I want to explain what I mean by rejection, just so we’re clear.

Rejection from girls comes in many forms — romantic, sexual, social, and so on — but it all boils down to this:

A girl you are potentially interested in is telling you “no thanks”, or just…“no.”

And if you’re like me a few years ago then you take it to heart.

For years I was getting nowhere with the ladies.

I thought I was looking pretty fly, putting in time at the gym, being a charming and funny guy, and not “trying too hard” but every time I showed even the slightest interest physically or emotionally I got cut down or told to take a hike in one way or another.

I also got friend-zoned more than I’d ever even want to admit.

I remember one young lady I’d had my eye on for months. We chatted sometimes at uni and shared a lot of interests. I asked her out and indicated my interest, got her number, and thought things were finally going my way.

She talked a bit too much about “Sex and the City” for my tastes but her dark eyes enchanted me and her smile had some kind of magic in it that kept me awake at night.

Wouldn’t you know it, after a few days of texting and asking her out to dinner she said “sure” and then asked if it was OK to invite a couple of her friends, and told me I was “such a nice guy” and “like a brother to her.”

Oh. My. God.

Call me immature, but I would have rathered she slapped me in the face in front of my whole uni.

So…now you know some of my experiences of being rejected by girls I liked. It’s happened to the best of us!

And here’s what to do if you want to turn things around.

What to do when you get rejected by every girl

1) I’ve got some good news and some bad news…

Which do you want to hear first?

I’ll go with the bad news and get that out of the way…

Nobody is coming to save us. Not me, not you, none of us.

Your belief in a prophet, savior, guru, spiritual guide, or anything else is absolutely your business.

But on a romantic and personal level, no magic person is going to pop up one day and soothe every emotional storm, quiet every anxiety, and resolve your life for you.

The more you remain trapped in this codependent cycle, the harder it is to find true love and intimacy.

Regardless of the reasons behind why you’re being rejected — including the plain old wrong place, wrong time — having underlying expectations that fit into a codependent narrative will sink you every time even if you do hitch up with a gal you like.

2) Work on yourself at a deep level

When you get rejected by every girl — or the “outer” world — one of the best things you can do is work on yourself at a deep level.

What I mean is not that you need to “fix” or change yourself to be “good enough”.

Quite the opposite.

I mean that you have the opportunity that rejection has given you to explore your interests, talents, opportunities, and potential and transform yourself in amazing ways.

Even if you’re already great at many things and quite confident, rejection is your chance to grind hard on a skill or activity you want to try or improve at.

3) Stop trying to “get” girls or a girlfriend

For years I was being love-blocked by a deeply ingrained belief that love and romance is something we “get” and “have”. It’s just not.

Love and romance are something we do.

Even once you “find” it, there’s no big Indiana Jones magic treasure moment. It’s an ongoing process. You follow that connection along the path and see where it leads and deal with obstacles as they come up.

Is it nice to have a partner in crime who you’re fond of and attracted to?

Honestly yes, but it’s no “silver bullet”.

Life continues, and challenges continue.  Love isn’t something you “get”, it’s a daily process and an ongoing journey.

Once you stop envisioning girls and having a girlfriend as a kind of pinnacle or plateau, you’ll notice how much easier it is to chat to girls you like and get further with them on dates and in your interactions.

4) Defeat your inner critic and self-pity party

In many cases when you get rejected by every girl there are specific things you’re doing that are getting you shelved, but one thing I noticed in myself and many others who’ve had romantic issues is the following:

A real tendency to self-blame and self-pity.

“What did I do to make them do that?”

“Why me?”

“What’s the secret solution to this so I can have the great romance life other people seem to have?”

The answers:

“You probably literally did nothing and they just weren’t into you or not ready for the greatness you bring to the table.”

“Why you? Because bad things and rejection happen to literally everyone all the time.”

“There is no secret solution and that perfect love life you imagine others have is far more painful under the surface.”

5) Find the balance between self-blame and reality

While I want to emphasize not to assume her rejection is all about you, you also shouldn’t assume it has nothing to do with you.

Reality exists whether you like it or not (sorry, you don’t just magically envision into reality whatever you want to be true).

The reality is that if you get rejected by every girl there are probably things about you that many women find unattractive.

For example:

Your personality and style and subject of conversation;

Your lack of confidence;

Your body odor, ugly appearance, or poor physical shape;

Your lame lack of personal style and hygiene;

Your over-needy approach and obvious hunt for approval and validation.

And that’s just to name a few of the common “tells” that make a high-quality girl run the other direction…

Don’t ever shy away from the hard truths. Sometimes it’s not even anything “wrong” with you either.

If you’re passionate about spirituality and you’re in a community of very materialistic and “non-spiritual” people, why would you expect to meet the girl of your dreams in such a place?

Reality matters.

6) Improve your approach to picking up women

Many guys get down in the dumps about rejection but they never take a cold hard look at themselves and how they approach women.

Here’s the thing:

If you “neg” a woman like an amateur pickup punk who’s still reading “the Game” by Neil Strauss;

Or “peacock” ridiculously in a bid for attention;

Or try hard like a Disco dive bar 1970s casanova on every girl you see…

You’re going to go home lonely.

Learning how to approach a woman effectively is mostly about a mixture of two things.

Natural, whole-body confidence and playful, non-dependent, engaging conversation and interactions. So how does that work?

I’ll explain it right now.

7) Natural, whole-body confidence

The kind of confidence many blogs and pickup artists talk about is completely useless bullshit.

If you swagger into a room and wink at people and play up how popular you are with the boys and down a shot at the bar while saying “what’s up sugar?” to a girl next to you, then you will look like a pathetic douchebag.

Natural, whole body confidence is not a show. It’s not a look or an attempt to get validation.  It’s the expression of validation you’ve already received.

From who?

From yourself.

You know the value you bring to the table and you prove it to yourself daily with your actions and goals.

You don’t need anyone to think or feel anything around you, because you feel deep inside that your life is worth it and you’re on a path to something good.

And believe me, women notice that, especially high-quality and gorgeous women. There are much less confident and attractive guys out there than you may think.

8) Playful non-dependent conversation and interaction

Chatting to a woman with an obvious goal of getting them in bed or getting their number is stupid and immature.

Women are not possessions and they’re not glittering golden objects for you to worship either. They’re people like you.

Yes, if you’re heterosexual, they are also often very attractive and enticingly wonderful, but if you treat them like delicious candy that you can’t breathe around, they will be embarrassed on your behalf and think you’re a guy who never meets or romances beautiful women.

And they’ll probably be right.

Start talking to as many people as you can because it’s fun and because you can and life is short.

Men, women, young, old. Interact, play, joke!

Extend that to women you like. Absolutely flirt and make eyes at them but you don’t need to go out on any extra crazy limb.

It’s fine for them to see you’re interested and flirting. Be upfront about it but also playful. Walk away easily, not with some huff.

Rejection is nothing for the man who knows his worth and even getting one good laugh from a beautiful girl will brighten your day even if you don’t end up dating her.

9) Know what you want and go for it

Historically men were hunter-gatherers. They went out and got the food their cave family needed to survive and prosper. They didn’t go out and “hang out” in a field and just “see what happened.”

You should be easy-going around women and open to what happens but if you get rejected by every girl it could be because you’re casting too wide a net.

There’s no reason why you as a man should be jumping at the chance of taking “whatever you can get.”

Know your value and target your search.

Are you looking for a girlfriend, a wife, a casual sex partner?

I’m not saying to state what you want right away but stick to it.  If you don’t know or care what you want then how do you expect to find it?

10) Work on your friendships and non-romantic relationships

If you get rejected by every girl and feel very shy or bad about romantic issues right now, then I highly recommend you work on your friendships and non-romantic relationships.

The benefits?

Less pressure, people you already trust and like, and honest friends who will give you pointers and advice about your approach to life and women.

Trust me when I say that sometimes those golden nuggets of dating advice you’ve been looking for are right in your close friend circle and those who know you best.

My own parents have dropped knowledge bombs on me about my dating life that changed everything.

Never underestimate the power of those close to you to reveal some amazing — and sometimes hard — truths to you.

11) Excel in your career and professional life

One of the biggest solutions for me, when I used to get rejected by every girl, was to take a little detour and begin to excel in my career and professional life.

I truly love what I do now, which helps, but it was also about embracing this attitude of truly taking responsibility for my own success.

Nobody else would come “save” or fix me, I had to save myself.

So I did, and I worked my ass off and had fun doing it, started getting better and better at what I do, and naturally gravitated to others who shared a lot of my passions and a similar commitment to personal and professional improvement.

It really works.

Sometimes thinking of the old me who expected things to come to him makes me feel almost a sense of disbelief.

Life is all about work and having a mission, and the more you love what you do, the more girls and other important parts of life will naturally come your way.

12) Learn the art of wu wei

Wu wei is a concept which I absolutely love and it applies really strongly to succeeding in love and seduction.

Like the School of Life organization explains:

“Wu wei means — in Chinese — non-doing or “doing nothing”. It sounds like a pleasant invitation to relax or worse, fall into laziness or apathy.

Yet this concept is key to the noblest kind of action according to the philosophy of Daoism – and is at the heart of what it means to follow Dao or The Way.”

Basically, it means “to do without doing.”

Make sense?

Not really, right? That’s why you just need to do it…

Before I get too mystical, what I mean here is essentially that the best success comes from trying hard but not being attached to the outcome.

Never invest your self-worth in external things and always do for the love of doing, not for “results.”

13) If you’re ugly then do this…

One of the reasons some guys get rejected by every girl is that they’re straight-up ugly.

What does “ugly” mean here?

Honestly, I do believe there is a certain thing as more or less attractive for men and women, but on the other hand, it’s very much in the eye of the beholder as well.

My point is that if you’re not what’s considered handsome in the eyes of your culture it does not mean you’re out of the game. Far from it.

Being “ugly” can actually be a way to get to know amazing women who are looking for a deeper connection that’s not about surface looks or supermodel status.

Still, it’s definitely hard. Here are 15 brutally honest tips to cope with being ugly.

14) We all end up on a slab eventually

I’m going to drop some harsh truth right now for the benefit of everyone reading.

Whether or not you believe in nirvana, heaven, paradise, and so on, this meat suit we’re currently in is going to be lying on a slab in a morgue someday.

As horrible as that is to think of, it’s also strangely liberating. At least to me, once I really dug deep into that vulnerability, fear, and finality.

Even if there is life beyond this and reincarnation and all the rest of it, none of us are getting physically out of here alive.

I don’t know how much more strongly to emphasize that incredibly terrifying — but also liberating fact…like holy shit!

We do so much to pad ourselves from facing that or grappling with it, but it remains true.

So what’s my point with regards to getting rejected?

My point is that you can let go of any lingering sense of keeping score. That guy with the “perfect girl” with huge tits? They’ll both be dead in 30 years.

That girl who made you feel like shit because she didn’t get your sense of humor…

Well, yeah… You get the picture.

Enjoy this dance of life and find those who appreciate you how you are! It’s a short ride, but if you play your cards right you can have a hell of a lot better time than you ever expected.

15) No laundry lists, please

Park your preconceptions at the door.

Sometimes when we think of what we want romantically and sexually we make laundry lists of attributes.

I know I had an ideal image in my head of the kind of girl I was looking for. And I went around trying to fit the women around me into that format.

It didn’t work and I realize now that they could sense I was coming in with a lot of expectations and idealized goals of what I wanted them to be.

And it was part of what was leading them to reject me.

16) Get a bit more comfy with setups

The idea of being set up or having family or friends input into who you should date gets a super bad reputation these days. But honestly, it can work wonders.

Some of the best girlfriends I’ve had were set ups.

Not Tinder, not dating apps, not even randomly bumping into someone.

Friends of friends, family friends, those who set us up and know us sometimes better than we know ourselves.

There’s nothing shameful about being set up, and it can actually be kind of fun. Don’t take my word, though, find out for yourself.

17) Dress the part, but not for her benefit

Working on your personal style and grooming is an excellent thing to do when you get rejected by every girl. But you shouldn’t do this because you think it will up your attraction factor.

Do it because you can.

Do it because it feels great to wear a nice-fitting new pair of jeans.

Do it because combing your hair well and putting some nice moisturizer on your face may be considered “metrosexual” but it also makes you have amazing skin and stand out from the crowd.

It makes you feel good in your own body. And ultimately that’s far more important than any way someone else makes you feel or not.

18) Find a girl you like who doesn’t reject you

This seems stupid but it’s honestly extremely crucial.

When you pursue distant, bitchy, materialist, or uninterested women, you get distant, bitchy, greedy, or dismissive responses.

If you get rejected by every girl, maybe you’re approaching the wrong girls.

I am not saying you should go after women you don’t find hot or interesting. What I’m saying is to look for a smile.

Smiles go a long way!

When you first see her does she smile or not?

That alone tells you hundreds of pages more information than talking for an hour or analyzing all sorts of “deep game” information.

You can hit your head against the wall for hours about unfriendly types of girls who are rejecting you. Or you can go find and engage the ones who actually respond in a friendly and normal way to you.

Getting skilled at noticing the difference is one of the main things that men who are successful with women do well.

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Written by Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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