17 things to do when a woman pulls away (no bullsh*t)

She’s always been affectionate… but now she’s acting a little cold.

No more cute emojis in your DMs or enthusiastic plans for date nights. No more non-stop chatter ‘til you both fall asleep.

It’s like she’s retreated into her own world and you’re scared you’ll lose her for good.

In this article, I will give you 17 things to do when your girlfriend (or the person you’re dating) pulls away.

1) Keep your cool

Don’t overreact.

Don’t suddenly freak out and start investigating when your date or GF pulls away. Not being affectionate all the time is a totally normal thing!

Not only will you be wasting your time and emotions over something that could potentially just be nothing, you’ll also be scaring her away.

I mean, seriously. If your partner freaks out at the smallest sign of simply being not in the mood, then that’s a massive red flag right there.

You don’t want to be that kind of partner.

So do calm down. If it’s really a problem, you will know because it will persist. For now, take a chill pill.

2) Let her be for a while

You may have kept your cool but you’re probably still hovering.

Here’s a trick that works nine times out of ten: Don’t chase her.

Yep, let her be.

I know you’re probably scared that if you do this, she’ll realize that she really doesn’t need you and it will cement her decision to leave you.

That’s not how it works. In fact, doing this will do the exact opposite!

If you let her be, that means you’re respectful and that you have more dignity. If you have dignity, you become more attractive.

It’s like you’re telling her “Alright. I’m not going to let this affect me. Even if I love you with all of my heart, I’m not afraid to lose you…because I’m actually awesome .”

This is reverse psychology.

It’s you being confident that you’re worthy of her love—of any woman’s love—and if she keeps pulling away, no worries. Your world will not stop spinning. In return, she will not want to lose you.

But aside from this being a trick, it’s also the healthy way to approach things in general.

If she’s indeed going through something, she can’t process her emotions if you’re always breathing down her neck. So let her be for a while.

3) Don’t make her feel guilty for it

In other words, don’t try to manipulate her so she’ll start getting affectionate again.

You can’t force it!

Don’t say things like “I feel you don’t love me anymore.”, “Am I not enough?”, or anything of that sort because first of all, it’s not about you.

Second, maybe it’s about you (you did something to make her pull away) and if so, then all the more that she deserves to have her space to feel all the feels.

Give it time. Be patient. She’s not a machine with a “love’ button that you can just switch on and off.

Trying to force her might seem to work in the short run, but it ruins your relationship long-term because you don’t allow her to process her feelings… and you don’t want that.

4) Casually ask her what’s wrong

Now of course, you have to start worrying if it’s been going on for a while. A day or a week of being distant is totally normal.

Two weeks? Maybe not.

I mean, it would be strange if you wouldn’t even ask her what’s wrong.

So do acknowledge the problem—that you feel she’s pulling away—and the best way you can do it is by being genuinely curious if something is bothering her.

Just try to be as casual about it. Don’t make it a big deal where you start to examine everything about your relationship.

Say something casual like “Hey, I notice you’re not being yourself lately. Everything okay?” or even “Hey, I feel you’re pulling away from me. Am I just imagining it?”

Again, just be casual about it. If there’s really something that’s bothering her, she will open up.

5) Listen with both ears

Most people are embarrassingly bad at communication. We might say “I’m listening!” when we actually aren’t.. Or we listen but we’re only hearing what we want to hear.

Keep this in mind and be ready to truly listen when you ask her if there’s something wrong.

Don’t interrupt, don’t gaslight, and don’t change the topic unless she wants to. You’re asking her what’s going on, after all. Let the girl talk.

Make sure you read her cues, too, as well as her body language. That way, you can really understand what’s going through her mind.

Ask her questions and encourage her to go on. It could lead you to an answer of why she’s pulling away.

6) Get guidance from a relationship coach

Trying to make your girl affectionate again after she’s started to get a little distant…isn’t easy.

In fact, it’s one of the toughest things to do.

What makes it especially difficult is that sometimes there might be something that we’re not seeing even if we think we know our partners so well.

That’s why you should make use of the experience and insight of others whenever you can. But be careful. Friends and family can have biases and as a result, can do more harm than good.

The best thing to do is get help from a relationship coach.

And when it comes to relationship coaches, I highly recommend Relationship Hero.

I relied on their services a while back when I was having issues navigating my relationship. In just five sessions, I was able to fix my relationship issues thanks to their no-BS approach to conflict resolution.

Their insights helped me not only realize what my partner was doing, but also how to win them back to my side and fix our relationship together.

Click here to get started, and you’ll be in touch with a trained relationship coach within minutes.

7) Pay very close attention to everything

Now is the time to pay extra close attention to everything.

You don’t have to act like you’re a detective trying to catch a thief, so don’t. Just open your eyes and observe what’s really happening.

Try to ask yourself questions like:

  • Has she found new hobbies or distractions?
  • Has her personality changed or shifted?
  • Have you changed in any way?
  • Has she been complaining about you?

A direct approach—like simply asking her “what’s wrong?”—can be helpful, but she might not necessarily know the answer either.

That’s why it’s a good idea to pay attention so you can connect the dots with her or with your relationship coach.

8) Use this time to reflect on your relationship

When something’s changed in your relationship, it’s necessary to zoom out and examine it.

Don’t use rose-colored glasses while you’re inspecting your relationship. Try to be as objective as possible.

Ask yourself the following questions:

  • Do you think you’re a happy couple?
  • Do you have a healthy relationship dynamic?
  • What phase in the relationship are you in right now?
  • What struggles are you having?
  • Are any of her wants and needs unfulfilled? What about yours?
  • Do you still feel like you’re each other’s person?

Taking a hard look at your relationship will help you see if there are cracks that might have gone unnoticed—anything that might have given her a “bad feeling” and made her want to pull away.

9) Use this time to reflect on yourself

Since you’re already reflecting on your relationship, then why not go a step further and reflect on yourself?

Knowing oneself is the key to becoming a better lover, after all.

Ask yourself the following:

  • Are you really happy with your relationship?
  • Have you been a good partner?
  • What can you do to become better?
  • Why are you worried that they’re distant?
  • How does it make you feel?
  • Are you the anxious type?
  • How has your past affected how you view relationships?

Knowing the answers to these questions will help you identify your role in the relationship and how you should move forward.

Perhaps you’ve been more overbearing than you thought, or perhaps you haven’t been supportive enough. Maybe you think about your relationship in terms of “I” and “me” instead of “us” and “we.”

Or maybe, just maybe…you’re just the anxious type and she’s not even pulling away!

Things like these can be the reason why she is pulling away (or why you think she’s pulling away), and even if they were not… understanding yourself more will simply make you a better partner for her.

10) Hold the accusations

If all you have to support your assumption that she’s cheating on you are “strong feelings” and circumstantial evidence, then you gotta shut your mouth.

Unless you have solid, concrete proof to support your assumptions, the last thing you want is to throw your accusations around.

Imagine if she’s actually just depressed and you lash out on her? She’d feel that you neither love nor trust her.

Imagine if she’s actually falling out of love with you already and you accuse her of cheating? That would probably be the last straw for her.

And let’s say you’re right—that she’s indeed cheating—well then, will pointing a finger do anything other than give a temporary satisfaction that you caught her?

What good will it do to you? What good will it do to your relationship?

Absolutely nothing. So do your best not to drop the C word. It’s a killer for any relationship.

11) Kill her with kindness

This might seem like a manipulative move—it’s one way to guilt a person so they’ll feel sorry for mistreating you—but as long as you do it with the intention of making her feel loved, you’re good.

Besides, you’d rather kill her with kindness and compassion than with anger.

Give her love and affection because this is probably the time she needs it the most. You don’t know what she’s going through and the least you can do is to not withhold your love.

If she did shut you out, don’t make her beg or prove herself that she’s worthy. Welcome her with arms wide open and make her feel at home.

If she needs a shoulder to cry on for whatever reason, rush to her.

Make her feel that you got her back no matter what. Who knows, it might be all you needed to do so she’ll be back to her usual self.

12) Assure yourself that this is just normal

Everybody pulls away at some point. And while it can be a little anxiety-inducing, it should also be normalized.

Even the most extreme extroverts amongst us need a little space every now and then. We can’t all be in the mood to be doting towards someone all the time, no matter how much they deserve it.

So we stop being doing overtly “relationshippy” things with our partner because…what can we do?

We’re simply not in the mood, and can’t force ourselves to be!

So don’t panic. Don’t overread. Don’t try to fix things fast.

Just ride it out for a while because chances are, this is just a phase in your relationship.

13) Discuss your next steps

So, what is the plan? She can’t just pull away forever.

Her pulling away—at least to this extent—should be temporary. You’re clearly not happy with it.

So it’s time to get a bit more proactive.

You’ve already asked her what’s been going on, so you should have a good idea how she feels, and what she wants. Now ask her what you can do for her.

Does she want more space?

Does she need more time?

Does she want to go somewhere so you both can recharge?

Does she want both of you to go to therapy?

Does she want to break up?

Does she want to feel loved?

Once you have talked these things over, the next logical step is to try to find a compromise between your wants and hers.

Ideally, you shouldn’t settle for an arrangement that leaves either of you unhappy. And then, of course, make sure that you’re willing to honor your side of the compromise.

14) Convince her to recommit to your relationship

If you truly love her and would rather that this would simply be a “phase”, do everything in your power to win her back.

Alright then. Wear your big boy pants and do the necessary work.

Talk to her about the things you’re willing to change about yourself. If you have already made a compromise, try to make it even more equitable.

This is easier said than done, which is why I strongly recommend asking for the help of a trained relationship coach. You can get in touch with one over at Relationship Hero.

They’re a good resource for people who want to talk about winning a partner back. I’d know—I’m one of those who had their relationship saved by their advice, lovingly tailor-made for my specific circumstances.

What I love about my coach is that she knows how women tick. She knows what women want in a relationship and the possible reasons they pull away.

Click here to get started and you’ll be chatting with a relationship coach within minutes.

15) If nothing changes, give one final grand gesture

You can bend over your back until it breaks, but you can’t force someone to change.

If she continues to remain distant even after you’ve done everything above… it’s probably time to let go.

But before you give up, it can’t hurt to give one last try to change her mind.

Maybe a grand expression of love is all she needs. It might seem a little crazy, but women in general are suckers for grand gestures.

Years ago, my gf pulled away from me.  Then I remember that she always complained that I didn’t give her flowers—not even on our anniversary. What can I do, I really just wasn’t the “bouquet of flowers” kind of guy. I find it too cliche.

But what I did to win her heart…I bought her the prettiest bouquet I could find and surprised her with it. She cried happy tears. She said it’s what she’s been waiting for.

You see, most guys are no experts at making grand gestures and women don’t want to beg for them. Ever.

If you haven’t done it in a while, do something!!! Maybe it’s the reason she’s pulling away.

Perhaps cook her favorite dish and give it to her together with a heartfelt love letter. Or perhaps you can send her that painting she’s always wanted.

If this still won’t work, then at least you expressed your love and you can say to yourself that you gave it all you’ve got.

16) Don’t forget yourself

Waiting is necessary when dealing with rough patches in a relationship like this one, and all that waiting is going to wear you down if you don’t give yourself breaks.

And when you’re trying to talk over your issues with one another, it might be tempting to give her everything she wants just to get her back… but this will only make you resentful.

What’s the point in winning her attention back if, at the end of it all, you’ll only end up resenting her for it?

That’s why you should always prioritize yourself first. Or at the very least, don’t forget about yourself!

Find out where your limits lie and respect them.

If you feel like your efforts are wearing you down, step back.

If you feel like she’s not worth it anymore, then walk away.

If you think she’s asking too much for a compromise, then tell her so.

Life is too short to keep yourself locked into an unhappy and unfair relationship.

17) Tell her you’ll wait for her…but not forever

If we were all deathless immortals, perhaps waiting for 2, 5, or even 10 years for her to “get over” her current troubles and stop pulling away would be perfectly acceptable.

But we’re not. We only have an average of 70 years in this world.

So give her some time, but remember that you don’t have forever and neither does she.

Think about how long you’re willing to give her—waiting for her to stop pulling away and keeping her distance. In the time you’ve spent waiting, you could have found someone more willing to commit and express love.

You might be willing to give a couple of months or even a year. Whatever it is, make sure to communicate this with her.

As a bonus, if she knows that you aren’t simply going to wait forever, she might feel a sense of urgency—a fear of loss— and put in more effort to try and work things through.

Time is precious. Both of you should know it.

Last words

It can be scary to see your partner pull away.

At first, you might be tempted to immediately point fingers, whether it be at her, at yourself, or her new friends. Things like these don’t just happen for no reason, so perhaps someone or something is to blame.

But rather than using it to throw accusations, it’s better for you to take this as an opportunity to reflect and understand your relationship better.

There’s a chance that you can’t find a good middle ground and must part ways. But most of the time, you can solve your issues by talking with one another and offering each other mutual respect.

Clifton Kopp

Welcome to my writings on Hack Spirit! I'm a bit of a "polymath" in that I like writing about many different things. Often I'm learning from the process of writing. I hope you enjoy, and please leave a comment on one of my articles.

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