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What to do when he doesn’t call when he says he will? 17 tips

So you’ve been sitting by the phone waiting for his call. You hope he likes you and he wants to organize another date. But despite the fact that he said he’d call and stay in touch, he hasn’t reached out at all.

We’ve all been there. It sucks.

But instead of simply worrying and thinking about why he hasn’t called, let’s talk about the proactive steps you can take to deal with the situation.

Here are 17 crucial tips on what to do when he doesn’t call when he says he will.

What You Can Do With Him

1) Be Sensible With The Time

You had a great time together and you promised to keep in touch. Everything went well on the date and you’re pretty sure he’s the right guy for you.

No red flags, no weird interactions, and at the moment it seems like he was genuinely interested in you too.

But now that you’re looking for some reassurance, he’s nowhere to be found.

Before you jump the gun and convince yourself he’s never going to call you back, consider the time that has elapsed since you two last saw each other.

When was the last time since you guys talked? Was it a couple of days ago? An hour ago? Just last night?

Even if he’s totally into you, he won’t always call right away. Maybe he got caught up doing something else; maybe he’s just trying to play hard to get.

Either way, the first thing you should consider is whether it’s sensible to actually worry that he’ll never call you back.

If it’s been less than a week, there’s no reason to worry just yet.

Recommended reading: When and what to text after the first date: 19 easy tips

2) Avoid Jumping To Conclusions

You really like this guy and you’re hoping everything works out. Because of this you can’t help but worry and it’s eating you up inside.

You’re convinced he’s no longer interested in you or that he’s playing you, despite how nice he seemed on your date.

Your mind is racing with a thousand thoughts per hour and all conclusions end up the same: that you’re the only one waiting for him and he’s already moved on to someone else.

Avoid jumping to conclusions because you’re only going to drive yourself crazy.

Instead of trying to investigate why he hasn’t called yet, take a step back and try to focus your mind on something more productive.

The truth is this:

Worrying will get you nowhere and jumping to conclusions is only going to set you back.

Instead of starting off on a good note, you’re already antagonizing him in your head without even knowing what his reasons are for delaying the call.

Whether or not he’s bound to call, the point remains: dwelling on this is only a waste of your mental energy.

3) Don’t Bombard Him With Messages

“I really care about him,” you tell yourself, “I’m just checking in”.

Ghosting is hard — we get it, but sending him a barrage of messages asking him where he is or what he’s been up to isn’t going to rekindle dead interest in you.

It’s all too tempting to try and rationalize why you’re reaching out to him, and as soon as you convince yourself it’s not “so bad”, you risk falling into a desperate attempt by sending him multiple messages to “check in on him”.

Before you know it, you’ve sent a dozen “Thinking about you today. Hope you’re doing well!” which, in theory, is a nice gesture, but realistically can be a little cringey if you’ve only gone on a few dates.

Really, you’re not fooling anyone. He knows that this barrage of messages is because he hasn’t called you back.

He’ll see through you and know that you’re either feeling a little insecure or are a little too interested — neither of which guys really want to deal with.

4) Send One Casual Text

Alternatively, instead of sending him a thousand-word essay about how great you think he is or confronting him straight up, send a quick, casual text.

No emotions, no judgment, and most importantly, no expectations.

There’s such a taboo on women sending the first follow-up text but there’s no reason why you should feel weird, especially if it’s just a casual hey.

Maybe he’s drowned in work and forgot that he’s been meaning to call or message you; maybe he’s just not interested.

Regardless of the reason, this one final ping could be your way of reminding him that you’re waiting and that the ball is in his court.

Don’t demand an explanation and don’t come out angry. Send a casual, playful text, which is really to gauge his interest more than anything else.

If he meant to call, he’ll probably call after the reminder. Otherwise, it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.

So what kind of casual texts can you send? You could text him to remind you of the name of the band he mentioned the last time you spoke in person.

Or you can send a picture of a cup of coffee from the cafe you were raving about.

5) Be Careful Who You Vent To

This cool, funny guy you went on a date with hasn’t talked to you. It’s frustrating, so frustrating in the fact that you just want to shout it on top of the rooftops… Don’t.

If you have mutual friends, doing some recon is probably fine. You can ask what he’s been up to or if they’ve heard anything from this guy recently.

But whatever happens, don’t actually vent to his friends and your mutual friends.

Most people just want to approach things casually, even if they’re definitely interested in seeing how the connection develops.

If you approach this negatively and with hostility, you might risk chasing him off just because you were feeling a little impatient.

Think about it this way: if you went on a fun date with someone and you later learned he was talking bad about you behind your back just because you haven’t had the time to get in touch, wouldn’t you feel weird, too?

It all boils down to not jumping to conclusions and making sure you’re preoccupied with other things.

If you’re at a point where you’re so frustrated you actually want to tell people, reconsider how you might be approaching this in the first place.

6) Don’t Rant On Social Media

Rule five pretty much applies on social media too.

We get it: you’re frustrated, and at the very least you want him to know you’re disgruntled about him not calling.

Maybe you want to share a lyric quote or make some passive-aggressive pass at him online.

Just like in-person venting, don’t go on social media to vent.

Don’t stalk him and demand why he hasn’t been replying to you when he’s been online the last couple of hours.

Don’t engage him if he obviously doesn’t want to talk to you. Ranting on social media isn’t going to get you anywhere.

If he really has no intentions to call you, making a post and making your feelings public isn’t going to persuade him to decide otherwise.

In fact, you’re only making yourself look bad in the process.

Instead of seeming like this composed, independent person, you’re letting people know (including this guy you saw) that you’re a little too easy and maybe a little less independent.

7) Talk To Him In Person

Do you run into this guy during the day? Or have you organized to meet each other in a week?

Maybe there’s a reason why he hasn’t called, and the reason is he thinks he’s going to see you in person.

Or if you’re friends or friends with mutual friends, consider that he might not be calling because he thinks there are other ways to reach you.

If he’ll see you again in a couple of days, why bother calling? If he can actually hang out with you in person, why bother calling?

So if you have some sort of access to him, you’re well within your right to strike a conversation.

But similar to phone-based interactions, make sure you’re keeping your approach casual.

You don’t want to make the impression that you’ve been waiting around for his call.

Keep your head held high and remind him of the good time you shared together.

8) Reassure Him That You’re Interested

Some guys don’t return calls because they’re uninterested. On the other hand, some guys don’t call because they’re too interested and are afraid that you’re not.

Everyone’s a little afraid of being vulnerable nowadays and just because he’s a guy doesn’t mean he’s ready to put his heart on the line.

If you suspect that he’s holding out because he’s unsure about how you feel — maybe you weren’t affectionate enough or didn’t openly communicate your interest — it’s definitely a good idea to check up on him and reassure him that you’re definitely interested.

Some guys just need a little vote of confidence. In this case, don’t hesitate and give him a nudge.

The best way to do this is through a casual text that we talked about above.

The way he responds to that will tell you all you need. If he is excited and invested in the conversation, then he’s obviously relieved you’ve reached out to him.

If he just gives you a one-word response and doesn’t ask any follow-up questions, then the signs may point to him not being interested in you.

9) Read The Signs

“I’ll give you a call” is really synonymous to goodbye at this point.

Some guys say it as an obligatory note at the end of the date without really meaning it.

So if you’re not too sure whether “I’ll call” is a promise or just something polite, think back to the actual date and look for clues.

What was his body language like? Was he responsive to you? Did he seem like he was having a good time? Was he open in sharing information about himself or did he seem standoffish? Did he take interest in you and what you had to say or did he seem distracted and distant?

At the end of the day, actions really do speak louder than words.

Think back to how he actually acted during the date and don’t take this mention of a call at face value.

If he seemed uninterested then and ended with a quick “I’ll call you”, chances are he just wanted to say goodbye on a good note and not risk breaking your heart then.

Recommended reading: 10 signs he’s not interested after the first date

What To Do For Yourself

10) Get A Workout In

There’s nothing worse sitting around waiting for something that may or may not actually happen.

You just end up running a dozen scenarios in your head, and possibly turning yourself against your guy because you’ve convinced yourself of something that might be completely wrong.

So what should you do instead?

Go with the gym. You’re in the perfect mood for it — stressed, anxious, and with a ton of pent-up energy looking for some kind of outlet.

Burn off some steam, some calories, and make yourself feel amazing with that perfect dose of endorphins running through your blood.

In no time at all you’ll forget what you were even waiting for in the first place.

11) Go Back To The Drawing Board

If you’re tired of waiting, then stop sitting around waiting. Go back to the drawing board and analyze your relationship. Is this finally the straw that breaks the camel’s back, or is this just a small hiccup?

No one can decide but yourself, and it’s time for you to start prioritizing you, not him.

He might be an amazing guy otherwise, but if you don’t want a guy who ghosts (and he’s obviously prone to ghosting), then this might not be the guy for you.

There’s no reason to stay with him if he constantly makes you feel this way.

12) Realize You Can’t Control The Outcome

When a guy isn’t ready to call, he isn’t ready to call. Nothing you can say or do will change his mind for him.

And this can be aggravating for a lot of people, especially if you’re used to having things go your way.

If you’ve never been rejected in your life, this might be a completely new experience to you, and the only thing you want to do is lash out and yell at him for not seeing how great you are.

But you need to take a step back and relax. This is one situation you can’t control. You did your part and showed him who you are; if he doesn’t want to pursue you or a possible relationship with you, then it’s just tough luck.

The last thing you want to do is show him just how much his plain absence is stressing you you. The more you let him realize that he has such a strong emotional control over you, the likelier he is to abuse that moving forward.

13) Remember This Feeling

One issue many women face is that they forget just how bad they feel when they feel bad, because of how great they feel when they feel great.

The height of your highs makes you completely forget the depths of your lows, to the point that you end up letting yourself fall into the same cycle of anxiety and euphoria over and over again, every time he does this.

So do your best to remember these feelings this time.

Do yourself the favor of standing up for yourself even when you’re happy, and let him know that he can’t play with your feelings like this.

Hold onto this feeling enough so that you remember just how terrible you felt even after he comes back.

14) Know That There’s Nothing Wrong With You

Don’t blame yourself. You might be tempted to shift blame onto yourself, thinking that something you did or said turned him off.

Maybe you’re not hot enough, funny enough, or smart enough, and he probably realized he can do much better than you.

But that’s not true at all. You are amazing in your own ways, and remember what they say: you’re always your own worst critic.

Don’t let this absence make you feel two inches tall, because you’re just making it that much harder for yourself to stand up for yourself in this relationship and all other relationships moving forward.

15) Move Forward With Your Own Life

So he didn’t call or text back. Fine, so what? He’s not the only fish in the ocean. You’re an amazing woman — if he can’t see that, then that’s his loss.

While it can be disappointing — especially if you already started planning your future together and the names of your children with him — remember that more of your pain is about the rejection itself, rather than anything about him.

We all deserve to be with someone who sees our value and why we’re worth their time.

If you force yourself with someone who obviously couldn’t care less about you, you end up trapping yourself in a relationship where you are powerless, meaningless.

It’s time to start thinking about everything else you’re doing in your life — your relationships with your friends and family, your passion projects, your career, and of course, yourself.

Who needs him anyway?

16) Don’t Look Back

If you decide to move on with your life, then do it properly: move on.

Too many people make the mistake of only half-heartedly making a choice, and then spending all their time stressing about their decision.

You end up stalking his social media profiles, talking to your friends about him, and even trying to get him to talk to you, even if you already decided that you’d try to move on.

The truth about life is that we do have to make decisions and live by those decisions.

Whatever you decide — whether you want to keep your options open or you want to continue building something with him — you need to do it with your whole heart.

Make your choice and don’t look back, because there’s never any way of knowing if you ever made “the right choice”, so why stress about it?

17) Adjust Your Expectations

Moving on with your life and never talking to him again may be a tad too dramatic, we know. Maybe you’re not exactly “at that point” yet.

But if this isn’t the first time he’s done this and you’re still not ready to really put your foot down and make a decision, then you still have room to do something else: adjust your expectations.

Maybe he’s not the type who will always be at your beck and call. Maybe he’ll forget to be a good partner every now and then.

Whatever it might be, it might be time to tell yourself, “I should stop expecting the world from this guy.”

Because you might be wanting more out of this potential relationship than he is right now, and that could set the stage for a number of other problems you could have with him in the near future.

So relax. Remember what stage of the relationship you’re in. Take a deep breath and remember — if it works out, it works out.

If it doesn’t, you’re still the amazing person you are with countless options out there. Stressing out over one late phone call isn’t worth it.

Waiting For That Call: Relax, and Take a Deep Breath

No matter what happens, whether he calls you or not, your thoughts and anxiety have escalated this situation to something much bigger than it is.

How much of your anxiety is over the true value that this guy could actually bring to the table, and how much of it stems from your desire to be approved by him?

So take a step back. Relax and breathe easy. Think about how you might feel next week or even a month from now. You two might be together, you two might not. Either way, you’ll laugh at how silly you were this entire time.

 

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Lachlan Brown

Written by Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 6 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook.

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