Your ex is hot and cold? 10 things you need to do (if you want them back!)

You just can’t figure your ex out.

They come in all warm and affectionate one moment, and then cold and distant the next. And you’re just gritting your teeth because you still have feelings for them after all.

Well, the good thing is, if you still want your ex back, that means you still have that chance right now because blowing hot and cold could mean they still have feelings for you!

To help you along, here are 10 things you need to do if you want your ex back while  they’re blowing hot and cold.

Why your ex is blowing hot and cold

Before you even start your grand plan on how to get your ex back, the first thing you must do is figure out the possible reasons why your ex is blowing hot and cold.

It could help you decide if they’re worth pursuing again and what issues you should address to improve your relationship moving forward.

Here are some of the most common reasons why blow hot and cold after a breakup.

Their head is battling with their heart

Your ex still loves you deep inside but they’re trying to be wise with their decisions because maybe their parents don’t want you, you had a toxic relationship or any other legitimate reason that makes them think you shouldn’t be together anymore.

They broke up out of impulse and now they regret it

Maybe they broke up with you because they’re furious but now, they absolutely regret it. They’re too shy to admit it to you, though, so they just wait until you make a move.

They want to keep you as a friend

You might think that they’re still in love with you, but the “hot” that they’re blowing might not be romantic anymore. It’s possible they’re trying to reach out to you because they really like to keep you in their life.

They are used to the old ways

They may no longer love you and they still want to be broken up but they just miss the things you used to do. If you’ve been together for more than a year, it is hard to change your life entirely in an instant especially if your lives were so enmeshed.

They enjoy knowing that you still like them

For whatever reason—maybe they still love you or they are just manipulative people—some exes like it when they know that they still got their exes wrapped around their fingers.

They’re plotting revenge

It’s possible that your ex is so hurt by your break up that all they want to do is hurt you. Were they angry at you and then they’re nice all of a sudden? Maybe they have a plot to destroy you. Watch out.

What should you do now?

Based on how well you know your ex, I’m sure it was pretty easy for you to know the possible reasons why they’re blowing hot and cold.

If they’re narcissists who obviously don’t want a relationship with you anymore but simply love the attention, they’re not worth going back to. Much worse if they’re plotting revenge.

Stay away from your ex if you have a strong feeling they’re doing these things.

However, if you think they’re doing it because they still truly have feelings for you and they’re just confused, then by all means do give it one more try!

10 ways to get your ex back when they’re blowing hot and cold

1) Keep a cool head

While it’s easier said than done, it’s important to keep a cool head when dealing with an ex you’re still in love with.

It’s easy for you to lose control over your emotions when someone you like is blowing hot and cold on you. And that’s the very last thing you want.

Everything is going to fall apart when that happens!

Eventually you might end up doing something you’ll regret, like pushing them away a bit too hard that you ruin the chance of getting back together.

Don’t say or do anything that could further damage what you’re trying to rebuild. You do that by maintaining a cool head no matter how frustrating things will get.

2) Enjoy your life (and let them know about it)

Make your ex know that they’re not the center of your universe and you’re not stuck in your couch, waiting for their return.

You’re a catch and so you should act like one!

Despite what your heartache might make you feel, your ex is far from the only person in this world that matters. So go and spend plenty of time with other people—go meet new folks or go on a night out with your best friends.

And you know what happens? Your impulse to send a pathetic “let’s get back together” message will be lessened. You’ll also become much more attractive to your ex’s eyes.

A person starts to gain more value when we know they don’t need us as much as before. So even if you DO need your ex more than anything in the world, DON’T show it. It could increase your chances of your ex actually wanting you back.

3) Do the things you know your ex loved

This is quite sneaky and kinda “pathetic” but hey, if you really want hacks that work, then you have to be ready to do some tricks.

Think about the things that you know they loved about you, and then do them. This is probably the most effective tip in this list.

Did they love your paintings? Did they always gush every time you bake lasagna?

Go ahead and spend all your time painting and baking and make sure your ex knows. How? Submit your painting to a contest or exhibit. Or if you’re colleagues, bring lasagna to work.

Of course, the easier way is to post them on social media. Chances are that they’re going to see your post and then be tempted to try talking more openly with you.

And if the reason why they’re blowing hot and cold is because they just can’t seem to find a topic to talk to you about, then making these callbacks to the past might just be enough to break the ice.

4) Change your mindset

First, stop thinking of them as your ex.

The thing with thinking of someone as your “ex” is that the fact that they used to be yours is put front and center.  It’s problematic because you can get incredibly fixated on the fact that they’re your “ex”, as well as the idea of getting them back.

Your understanding of who they are as a person will get stuck in the past, and even if they do change as a person, you will still end up stuck in your old preconceptions.

Sadly, it’s a common mistake for people who are getting back with their exes to treat their relationship as if it were a continuation of the old one. It isn’t.

It’s a brand new relationship, and unless you got back immediately after breaking up, chances are that neither of you are exactly the same person.

By changing your mindset, you make the relationship that you have less tense, which could allow for a new relationship to blossom.

5) Be a good friend first

And by “friend”, I mean nothing more than that! But don’t do it mainly as a strategy to win them back. Do it so you can reset your relationship, and truly see each other as brand-new people.

People like to think of friendship and romance as two separate categories, and even use words like “friendzone” to drive the point home.

This is unfortunate because true love needs friendship. If love were a house, friendship is the foundation it is built on. You can’t claim to say that you love someone if you don’t see them as a friend.

So if you want to get back together with your ex, it would only make sense for you to be friendly towards them and hang out with them casually again.

Make sure that you don’t rush it and make a move too early. Just be a friend and nothing more.

This also gives you enough time to know them all over again and judge if they’re still worth getting into a relationship with because let’s be real—You may want to get back together with them, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they deserve you.

6) Be completely honest

Do you have any lingering hurts over your break-up? Do you think the way they’re coming on hot and cold is frustrating?

It might be tempting to smile and pretend like everything’s fine, but that’s only going to cause more harm in the long run. All that resentment is going to simmer under the surface, and it will eventually burst sooner or later.

At worst, your issues might just come bursting out just when the two of you seemed like you’re about to get back together.

They might say something to offend you, for example. And, because you never told them that you thought it was a problem in the first place, they keep on doing it until you lose your temper.

And before you know it, you are exes once more.

In the long run, it’s much better for everyone involved to be completely patient with their thoughts and feelings.

7) Get them a little jealous

If your ex is being indecisive, getting them a little jealous might just be the push they need. When faced with the prospect of losing you to someone else, they’re going to want to act swiftly and decisively.

You don’t want to overdo it, of course, or otherwise you’re going to have them thinking that they have actually lost you for real and give up.

Get friendly with people—including those from the opposite sex— and post bold, confident pictures of yourself on social media. Or let them witness it in real life if possible.

The more your ex sees how much other people like you, the more they will realize what they are missing out on.

This could trigger them to finally make up their minds and have the courage to reach out. Or if you decide to reach out to them, it could make them more decisive, knowing that you have a lot of other options.

8) Make them feel welcome

You should try to avoid making yourself look needy, but don’t ghost them! It’s better to risk it than to make them feel like they can’t talk to you anymore.

It might be tempting to turn your nose up and wait for them to grovel and beg for forgiveness if they managed to blow a bit too cold. But if they truly are struggling with their feelings for you, they’re going to think “I messed up, it’s too late!” and then give up.

Your feelings are valid, and the things they do are frustrating you, you should tell them as much. But at the same time, you should reach out and let them know you’re still willing to talk and work things through.

Should you decide to cut ties or ghost them, do it without any expectations that they’ll chase after you. Do it only when you have decided exactly that you have had enough of their games.

9) If things persist, let them taste their own poison

There’s no reason why you have to sit idly by because they come in blowing hot and cold.

Show them a little boldness and give them a taste of their own medicine. Pay attention to what they’re doing and try to do it better.

Throwing their own tactics back at them can help them be aware of just how bad it feels to be on the receiving side, as well as perhaps informing them that you’re interested too.

If they hadn’t been intending to blow hot and cold on you, they might just realize what they’re doing and ease up. Be a bit more honest with their feelings for you.

And, hey, that’s what you want right?

But don’t see this as something you should keep doing. Once you have their attention—maybe they would confront you about how you’re acting—use it as an opportunity to have a proper discussion.

10) Ultimately, tell them you don’t want games

There’s no real point for them to be blowing hot and cold. They still like you, and you want them back. It’s about time you stop playing games with one another and have a proper adult discussion.

Relationships are built on trust, respect, and good communication. Mind games like trying to make each other jealous or blowing hot and cold on one another is going to erode all of those.

These ‘games’ might catch their attention, and they might get you talking again, but they’re ultimately harmful to your relationship and the longer they go on the more likely it’ll be for you to end up exes again.

Don’t be afraid even if you have to be the first to walk up to them and talk. You know that they know and, if they deny it, then you can just tell them to stop doing it entirely.

You can either fix things and get back together, or take your break up more seriously. Games can mess up your mind and it’s just a total waste of time.

What to do if things won’t change

If even after you’ve done all the things above and nothing changes, then you have little recourse but to accept it. Insisting on it is only going to hurt you more, and might even drive them further away.

1) Get some distance

Few things suck more than having to deal with being in love with someone you can’t have. The most straightforward way to deal with it would be to stop being in love with someone—and giving yourself some distance is one way you can begin working on that.

By distancing yourself from them, you’re making it easier for you to stop thinking of them so often. Put away any mementos you might have of them, unfollow them on social media, and remove their number from your phone.

This doesn’t have to be permanent, of course. You are always free to let them back into your life when you’ve gotten over them. But until then, distance will serve you well.

2) Allow yourself to grieve properly

Don’t lie to yourself and say that “it doesn’t matter”, or that they “weren’t that special anyways” — they mattered to you, they were special to you. That’s why you’re reading this article!

And it’s always valid—nay, necessary— to grieve losing something this important, despite what others may think of it. Even if they weren’t a good match for you.

So go ahead and allow yourself to grieve properly.

Find a pillow to cry into, or talk your counselor’s ears off with your love troubles. Let those tears out and indulge in catharsis. Expressing your emotions will help make it easier for you to deal with the pain. Even more so if there is someone who is willing to lend you an ear.

3) Shift your focus

What things stirred your soul before you met your ex?

Surely you have a passion that does not involve obsessing over your ex. Maybe you’ve always loved hiking, or maybe tending to a garden. Maybe you loved going to bars and looking for no-strings-attached pickups, but had to stop when you got into a relationship with your now-ex.

Shift your focus back on those things. Make it so that your life revolves around the things you want to do —and can— instead of that one person that’s just out of reach.

So go hike, start a garden, or meet interesting new people at your favorite bar. Life is too short to waste on regrets.

4) Go back to your personal goals

Look up your bucket list and try to see just what personal goals you have left unfulfilled.

Maybe you’ve always wanted to visit Japan before you hit 30, and then own a mansion by the time you’re 40.

You’re not going to fulfill either if you spend your life pining over the person you just can’t get, so go and work hard to fulfill your dreams. And who knows—maybe in pursuing your dreams you’ll end up finding your one true love.

5) Keep them as a friend

Just because you can’t be together doesn’t mean you have to pretend they don’t exist anymore. The best relationships are built upon a foundation of friendship, but just because you can’t be a couple doesn’t mean you have to destroy the foundation, too.

If anything, you’re going to enjoy a very special friendship once you get over your feelings for each other.

You had made so many good memories together, and known each other deeply for a time. You’ll understand each other in ways others possibly won’t.

And who knows, maybe three years or five years down the road, you can rekindle your love for each other. If they’re great, and you’re mature enough to handle your feelings post break-up, there’s no point in discarding them.

Lat words

You were together once, so it’s quite possible that you can be together again if the things that pulled you apart are things you can deal with.

That your ex is blowing hot and cold on you can be either a good sign, or a bad one. It all boils down to who they are as a person.

Before you take steps to try to reel them back, make sure you’ve already done what you can to make yourself a better person, and that you’re sure they still want you and are available.

And if nothing comes out of it, then that’s that. Nothing to it but to move on and find someone better for you…but it’s good to know that you gave it one more try before completely letting go.

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Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. Check out my latest book on the Hidden Secrets of Buddhism and How it Saved My Life. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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