Welcome to the world of online dating, where people are spoiled for choice and commitment isn’t a given.
It’s a place where people can easily leave you hanging, seemingly disappearing off the end of the earth just when things had been looking good.
If this is you, you might have wondered why it happens and what you can do about it, so here are 15 tips to help you out.
1) It’s not you, it’s him
“What’s wrong with me?” is probably one of the first things you’d ask yourself when you get ghosted.
This is normal, and if you ever felt shame for thinking that—don’t.
It’s easy to assume you’re the one at fault because you don’t know the other person very well and you haven’t fully grasped how they react in any given scenario.
He could be the kind of person who sees nothing wrong with ignoring people or maybe he’s the type to not care so much about the people they interact with. Or maybe they’re just disagreeable in general.
In which case, good riddance. You dodged a bullet early on before you could get in too deep that it’s harder to get away.
Never doubt yourself just because someone does not have the common courtesy to return your text. Your time is much more valuable spent on nicer people.
2) Understand modern dating culture
Ghosting is a common occurrence in the modern dating scene.
It’s so easy to go “off-grid” and deactivate an account. People can just turn off notifications, or worse, block you from messaging them.
Most people who ghost probably do so without thinking too hard about the fact that they might be hurting someone emotionally.
If you’re someone with deep wounds or bad memories, it could even trigger trauma or anxiety.
The people who do this say that it’s just easier to suddenly disappear rather than having to deal with proper conversation.
But a guy who can’t handle that discomfort clearly isn’t ready to be in a relationship anyways. Maturity—and that includes having the guts to deal with “difficult” decisions—is a must in relationships.
So if someone you’ve been chatting with suddenly starts ghosting you, write them out of your mind and move on to greener pastures.
3) Send him a message after at least four days of no-contact
Sometimes people ghost because they couldn’t care less. But sometimes, people end up “ghosting” because of valid reasons, such as work and other real life events.
So relax for a bit. And if a few days have gone by without him responding to any of your messages, try to give him a poke. Ask him what’s up, maybe bring up an old conversation of yours, and listen to what he has to say.
Whatever happens, avoid being too pushy or confrontational. While some guys might be drawn to that, most of them will find it a turn-off… especially if you’re at the stage where you’re still just casually texting one another.
But if you still don’t get a reply after trying to revive it the second time, then take the hint.
It’s best to take the graceful exit with your head held high.
4) Rein it in
Let me lay it on thick: Guys get turned off when you’re too eager.
They like a bit of chase, but if you’re easy prey, they can get bored.
You might appear like you’re too available, which to them means you’ve got nothing else going on in your life. Or when you get into a relationship in the future, they have a feeling you might be too clingy and it suffocates them.
You might have even performed the unspeakable: You went ahead and introduced yourself as their girlfriend when you haven’t explicitly discussed it with them yet.
These things sound alarms in a guy’s brain and scare them.
Try to keep it chill and take things slow for now.
5) Charm him again
The great thing about dating in modern times is that unless he has your number blocked, you can always try to turn things around.
Having a phone in your hand does wonders.
But before you try to figure out his list of what he likes to see in a woman, stop and think things through. Guys don’t fall in love with women because she ticks off all those bullet points on his list.
What gets men crazy is that you make him feel good about himself. That you stir his inner instincts and get him thoroughly infatuated with you.
As dating and relationship coach Clayton Max says, “It’s not about checking all the boxes on a man’s list of what makes his ‘perfect girl’. A woman can’t “convince” a man to want to be with her”.
And with some carefully worded texts and an understanding of the male psyche, you can be this woman.
That’s why you should try to watch Clayton Max’s quick video here where he shows you how to make a man infatuated with you (it’s easier than you probably think).
Infatuation is triggered by a primal drive deep within the male brain. And although it sounds crazy, there are a combination of words you can say to generate feelings of red-hot passion for you.
To learn exactly what these texts are, watch Clayton’s excellent video now.
6) Ask yourself if you’ve said something wrong
Tone is always important in all conversations.
In face to face conversations, the rise and fall of your voice as well as your facial expressions help you project tone and make your intentions clear.
In text, it’s a lot more subtle and delicate.
You need to pay close attention to the words, emojis, and punctuations you’re using, as well as the way you string them together.
It’s possible that you can get yourself misunderstood by being careless with your words, and for him to ghost you after that.
When in doubt, go check your messages and try to figure out where—if any—you might have offended them.
Perhaps you might have said an off-color joke in passing, or accidentally talked to them about one of their triggers. Or maybe your values conflict and you both fought over it until you’re both tired and emotional.
However, if you’re still not sure about what you said that triggered them, it’s better to ask them directly. If you were in the wrong, then try to apologize instead of arguing about it more.
7) Give him the benefit of the doubt
There is beauty in uncertainty.
Research suggests that people who give others the benefit of the doubt are generally happier and more carefree.
Don’t automatically conclude that others always have malicious intentions or that they are just out there to hurt you.
You can be a little bit more forgiving even if you don’t completely know the person. After all, you shared good vibes together when you were texting.
Except, too much uncertainty causes anxiety in most people. So it’s understandable to want answers when you are ghosted.
Perhaps it’s not a good time right now, or they’re at a crossroads in their life that requires 100% of their attention. They might be going through something and it totally slipped their mind to inform you that they may be hard to contact for the time being.
It’s okay to ask how they’re doing. It also shows that you actually care.
Give them the time and space and tell them that you’re a text away when they need someone to talk to or if you can do something to make them feel better.
8) You are just one of many
Such is the modern dating scene— you have to accept that a person is 98% texting other people at the same time. It’s a race of who gets to reach their heart first, and this time it’s not you.
Don’t feel too down about it. Sure they ghosted you without so much as a goodbye and wasted your time for a couple of days, but if you can let bygones be bygones then no real harm was done.
If you’re up for it, you can do it too and it’s really okay as long as you remain respectful and friendly, and still value people’s time and feelings.
Just be mindful that there could be consequences to the whole “Collect and select” mantra if you don’t know how to play the game.
Be sure you are firm with your intentions to talk to as many prospects as you can for the sake of finding the perfect match, and not just for pure entertainment and toying with people’s hearts.
Karma is a b*tch and it will all come back to bite you if you’re not careful.
9) Be the cool chick
You may not have gotten the girlfriend prize when they stopped texting, but if they liked you enough, you might be friendzoned.
And honestly, it’s not such a bad deal if you really enjoyed exchanging messages with them. Gaining a friend is always better than nothing.
So keep that cool and easygoing attitude and don’t pour out all your hostility towards them. Be open to the idea that they will warm up to you in time.
It’s easy to cultivate relationships as friends because you become more relaxed and comfortable around each other.
And there’s always the friends-to-lovers route. It doesn’t happen overnight, but there’s always a chance sometime in the future. So cross your fingers and keep your hopes up.
10) Give them time
Some people like to take things slow.
When they stop texting you all of a sudden, doesn’t mean they’re not interested in you, but that they’re not quite ready.
They might still be nursing a broken heart or a wound from the past that they’re trying to close. Texting you triggers some memories that they need to get over before they can get further with you.
Allow them some breathing space and a bit of time to process the emotions they are feeling, especially when there is real chemistry between you two and they are overwhelmed by the experience.
What you can do is gently remind them that you’re still there and that you’re graciously giving them time to think things through.
Don’t shut them out and listen to what they have to say when they finally decide to open up to you.
11) Accept the challenge
Someone told them that it’s a good idea to play games when texting and they’re testing it on you. They stopped messaging to make it seem like they’re not that desperate.
When they’re playing hard-to-get, it just means they want to see if you will take the bait. And I say, go for it!
They’re probably waiting for you to take the lead to unlock the next level in this game.
Having the initiative is a turn-on for most guys.
It shows that you know what you want and you’re out to get it. It excites them to see that you’ve got this girl-boss attitude and can keep up with their antics.
They probably feel like they’re doing all the work so this time they want to take a step back and watch how you steer the ship. So if that’s what they want, show them how playful you can really get.
12) Back off when there’s a girlfriend involved
Just as you are hitting it on and getting cozy with your messages, they suddenly drop you in mid-air. Something smells fishy.
It seems like someone just got caught red-handed texting you. And so it turns out they are in an existing relationship and the girlfriend found out.
If that’s the case, this guy’s a cheater and definitely not worth the catfight.
There is no shame in walking away because you did nothing wrong. They totally kept you in the dark and pretended to be single just to have fun with you. You had no idea that they were two-timing.
Do a background check on their social media accounts or backread on their messages for clues that they were never single to begin with and if you’ve got your answer, drop them and never look back.
They’re never healthy to keep around.
Don’t break the girl-code and let them handle their own business.
13) Confront them
In recent studies about ghosting, respondents say they prefer to fizzle out pretending as if nothing even happened between you two.
They think it will hurt less if they don’t tell you explicitly that it’s not working, or that they don’t like you.
Despite being the norm these days, it’s surprising to note that 85% of respondents still prefer that they be told outright if they are being rejected. It just saves you a lot of time rather than wondering what your status is or what to do about it.
The pain of rejection before things get too serious is just a fleeting one that you can easily move on from, instead of hanging on for longer and eating you away.
So take a deep breath, and be courageous enough to confront them about it. Bite through the momentary hurt and free yourself right after so you can continue with your life.
14) Don’t air your frustrations out in public
Social media is a great tool to record the highlights of your life and an awesome way to share with friends. But there are things you need to be wary about when talking about relationships on the public platform.
Sometimes we put our problems out on display for all of the world to see. But think about why you’re doing it and how it will affect you and the person involved in the near future.
You’re probably doing it to get their attention back, but you can be sure a mutual friend will see your posts.
This will make you look petty and immature. Any potential dates will mark you as someone who can’t deal with problems privately.
People get rejected all the time and it will only rub salt to your wound when people keep commenting on a post you shared.
Show that you are able to respect their decision and accept it with grace.
15) It’s better to deal with it face-to-face
As exciting (and easy) as texting can be, meeting in person is just a whole other level of getting to know someone.
Perhaps they weren’t too comfortable with texting but seeing you and hearing your voice strikes a different chord and you become more endearing and memorable.
Plus, nothing beats real-life conversations. The exchange is just more stimulating. You get responses immediately and you can see their facial expressions.
Be bold enough to ask them out on a date to set things straight(er).
Chemistry and tension build up differently when you’re in each others’ personal space. Heat generates faster too when you’re physically close. Even without saying anything, sparks can easily fly just by looking at each other’s eyes.
It could be that they’ve decided it’s time to stop texting and they’re waiting for you to set the time and place for a meeting and do a proper face-reveal.
Taking part in the dating world always comes with risks, especially now that it’s too easy to just switch to a new account or block people at the drop of a hat and then try hooking up with someone else.
So—no lie here—you’re going to risk hurt and failure. But then again, you could also find that one guy who’s perfect for you.
Every failure is an opportunity to learn better, whether it’s in how to approach a guy, or what kind of person to look out for and avoid.
So enjoy the risks, and be ready to prepare to pick yourself up when needed.
After all, it’s true that if there’s no risk, there’s no reward.