We each have an inner critic who lets us know everything weโre not doing good enough.
This inner critic is stronger in some of us than others.
Your inner critic may be screaming in your ear and making every day a living hell, or it may only emerge during moments of crisis with a fatal whisperโฆ
โI told you that youโll never find somebody whoโs right for youโฆโ
โYou know youโre not good enough, see?โ
Over the years Iโve battled my inner critic and made huge progress.
Here are the top ways your inner critic holds you back and deludes you into doubting yourselfโฆ
1) Making you feel inferior
Thereโs plenty to criticize in anyone if you look hard enough, just like thereโs a lot to praise.
Your inner critic only has one objective:
To focus on your flaws and make you feel like crap about them.
The inner critic often draws its power from early childhood trauma and doubts about your worth that were pushed into you early on.
You may feel like youโre just plain not โgood enoughโ in a way thatโs hard to define, and this inner critical voice seems to confirm it every step of the way.
2) Making you say sorry all the time
When you feel inferior, you say sorry a lot.
Your inner critic gets you to focus on all the ways youโre an inconvenience and bother to those around you.
It gets to the point you may feel like youโre apologizing for even taking up oxygen and existing.
This is when itโs clear a huge change needs to take place and your inner critic needs to be told to sit down and shut up.
In addition to saying sorry too much your inner critic pushes you into the followingโฆ
3) People-pleasing and being a yes-man/yes-woman
People-pleasing is the behavior of a person who puts their wellbeing in making others happy.
Itโs a transference of responsibility and a codependent trait that the inner critic can create.
When the inner critic is too strong, it convinces you to turn to others for validation.
What better way than to make others happy and get their validation that youโre worth something that way?
Well, the problem is that no matter how many people you please and how much, theyโll never be able to give you that inner sense of worth you crave.
4) Being afraid to express your real thoughts and opinions
When your inner critic is dominant itโs like suffering under censorship.
Except in this case itโs not Big Brother or some tyrant censoring you, itโs you.
You donโt want to say what you really believe if itโs not popularโฆ
You feel the need to push down feelings that could be misunderstood, to talk the way other people do, to dress in a way thatโs seen as cool or professional or whatever the trend may beโฆ
Youโre scared to be yourself in case itโs judged in a way that confirms your feelings of low self-worth.
This relates directly to the next issue with having a strong inner criticโฆ
5) Feeling an urge to hide any ways you are different or strange
Weโre all different in various ways, but those with a strong inner critic try their best to hide it.
If this is you then you know the tremulous feeling inside when you donโt really want anybody to see that you are unique.
Instead of being proud of your own unique style, appearance, worldview and experiences, you try to blend it all down into a marketable format.
You do your best to come across as a โtypeโ and not be yourself:
Messy, weird, perhaps controversial or rebellious, or even boring in some ways!
No, you need to hide it, you need to be something better, something more, something other than what you really feel like being.
As a resultโฆ
When you donโt feel good enough about yourself, you inevitably go out in search of people to tell you that youโre great.
6) Seeking the validation and approval of others
Seeking the validation and approval of others is a deeply insecure behavior.
Your inner critic isnโt impressed much no matter how many people tell you how wonderful you are.
The critic just ignores any praise you get and contradicts it immediately.
โYouโre such a caring, handsome guy,โ your girlfriend says.
โYouโre such a pushover nice guy,โ your inner critic scoffs in response.
As a result, you go seeking more and more approval and validation hoping to drown out the inner critic.
But the more you get the more it doesnโt touch that deep inner wound where the inner critic languishes and mocks you.
7) Inability to enjoy your own company and solitude
When your inner critic is extremely strong itโs very hard to enjoy your own company or solitude.
This is easy to understand:
How would any of us like to sit in a room with an ill-tempered, sadistic drill sergeant shouting mockingly in our ear about what a piece of sh*t we are?
It would get old fast and be very demoralizing.
8) Dwelling on past mistakes and missteps
Your inner critic tends to ignore everything great in your past and your outstanding accomplishments.
Instead, itโs all about what went wrong or places where you got confused and screwed up.
The breakup you regretโฆ
The disastrous business decision that happened because you acted too impulsiveโฆ
Whatโs even worse is that your inner critic doesnโt just falsely convince you that your own mistakes in the past were the worst everโฆ
It also convinces you that anything which goes wrong in your life is because of you.
9) Blaming yourself for disappointments outside your control
Your inner critic is like a one track record:
It just replays the same familiar accusations.
โYouโre not good enough, youโll never succeed, youโll always be alone, nobody really likes you, nobody understands you, you donโt fit it, everything you try goes wrong.โ
These accusations are very hurtful, but theyโre not true.
One of the worst is the idea that things out of your control which donโt go wrong are your fault, and you can get so down in life that you start to truly believe it.
This is especially true in failed relationships or other situations where youโre truly just not that compatible.
You blame yourself for something that just wasnโt meant to be, and close yourself off to future opportunities by giving into that destructive inner critic.
This ties directly into the next pointโฆ
10) Avoiding risks and urging you to always play it safe
Risks are part of life, and sometimes taking no risk is the biggest risk of all.
But the inner critic is a fearful voice stuck in doubt and sabotage.
It believes that you have to hide from the world, from your own inadequacy, from the judgment of others.
It urges you to keep your head down, avoid eye contact and just do the bare minimum:
Play it safe and youโll stay safe!
Nothing could be further from the truth, actuallyโฆ
On a related noteโฆ
11) Clinging to perfectionism and using it as an excuse never to start in the first place
Your inner critic often demands perfection:
Perfection from yourself, from a situation, from others around you, from opportunities that come your way.
This is clearly unrealistic.
Everything is flawed or inconsistent in some way, and even the perfect plan can get interrupted or thrown off course by the unexpected.
By doing this, your inner critic convinces you never to even take the first step!
This is the ultimate self-sabotage, and itโs crucial to keep in mind that the perfect is the enemy of the good.
12) Never being satisfied with your accomplishments
When you do end up taking small risks or getting over this perfectionism, youโre never satisfied.
Your inner critic tells you that whatever youโve done (no matter how remarkable) is really โnothingโ or really no big dealโฆ
This was maybe just a lucky break if anythingโฆ
The inner critic points out famous and prominent individuals whoโve done so much more than you.
Youโre left feeling like you just canโt win, no matter what you do.
13) Selling yourself a story in which you are bad, flawed, doomed or cursed
Your inner critic can spin a very convincing story.
This voice isnโt you, but itโs a manifestation of your subconscious fears, sadnesses and insecurities.
Itโs what psychoanalysis Carl Jung called the โshadow”.
The inner critic isnโt bad, itโs just stuck in a very early, fearful stage of development in which it gets obsessed with fears of inadequacy.
Your inner critic will have you convinced youโre uniquely flawed, cursed or damaged in ways beyond repair which nobody else could ever relate to or understandโฆ
The truth is that many, many people can and do understand because theyโre going through the same thing with that nagging inner critic and self-sabotage, too!
Donโt give up!