Cat Harper
No one deserves to be manipulated, right?
Everyone thinks it wonโt happen to them, but it can happen to anyone, at any time. I found this out the hard way.
A few years back, I was being manipulated by a close friend. It took me a while to realize it and to accept it but looking back it was as clear as day.
The best thing you can do with manipulators is avoid them at all costs, but sometimes itโs not that simple. It might be a work colleague, friend, or even a family member.
Although my experience with manipulation wasnโt fun, it taught me how to handle manipulators and how to take their power away from them. Without that power and influence, they canโt hurt you.
Today, Iโm sharing 6 ways to shut down a manipulator without losing your cool to make sure youโre ready to protect yourself if you do encounter a manipulative person.
Letโs get started.
1) Educate yourself on their tactics
Manipulation is about using emotional control to gain power or influence over someone. A manipulatorโs โintent is to have power and control over others to get what they want.โ
I can tell you from firsthand experience, that when youโre going through it, itโs pretty difficult to see because you believe this person cares about you. You trust them and you donโt expect them to hurt you like that.
But what Iโve realized more recently is that everything my friend did to manipulate me was textbook manipulation. There are typically 4 stages to manipulation and she hit every single one of them.
If Iโd known the signs of manipulation to look out for, chances are Iโd have been able to spot it and put a stop to it a lot sooner than I did.
The first thing you can do to be ready to shut down a manipulator is to know their tactics.
2) Set clear boundaries
Setting clear boundaries is important for all of your relationships so this should just be standard practice for you. But setting boundaries with a manipulator is especially important.
Hereโs why: the ultimate goal for a manipulator is to have unlimited control and influence over you. Boundaries throw a spanner in the works because theyโre clearly defined limits about what youโre willing to accept.
Setting clear boundaries does two things to shut down a manipulator:
- They make it more for them to manipulate you because if you uphold the boundary, itโs very difficult for them to gain any control over you
- They allow you to see very early on in a friendship or relationship that someone might be a manipulator. Most people will simply respect your boundaries so you know you need to be extra cautious of the ones who push against them.
As outlined by PsychCentral, there are lots of signs someone is violating your boundaries but โA main sign that someone doesnโt respect your boundaries is if they donโt stop their actions after youโve expressed discomfort,โ says Quinelle Hickman, a licensed individual and couples therapist in New York City.
By setting strong boundaries and looking out for signs that someone is actively trying to overstep them, youโre more likely to catch a manipulator in the act and the earlier you identify it, the easier it is to put a stop to it.
3) Stay calm, and emotionally detached
How easy is it to stay calm in an emotionally charged situation?
It’s not easy at all, which is why this next tip for shutting down a manipulator without losing your cool is really hard but also really important.
Manipulation only works if youโre emotionally invested. The manipulator goes to a lot of trouble, in the beginning, to build trust with you and create what feels like a deep bond of friendship or maybe even love. Why?
Itโs simple really: once you trust them, youโre more likely to give them the control they want over you. Thatโs why itโs common for manipulators to project blame and guilt-trip their victims.
Doing these things causes you to have an emotional reaction. Itโs like you want to prove to them that itโs not your fault or you feel guilty so you agree to whatever they want.
But hereโs the kicker: without your emotions of feeling guilty or having something to prove, the manipulatorโs got nothing. If you stay calm and emotionally detached they just canโt get to you, they canโt control or influence you.
Staying calm and keeping your emotions out of it is key to shutting down a manipulator.
4) Surround yourself with a solid support system
This one hits home for me as having a solid support system was the reason I finally recognized my friend was manipulating me.
Isolation is the second stage of manipulation. Itโs where the manipulator gradually tries to disconnect you from people who truly love and support you.
Taylor Draughn, a licensed professional counselor, and marriage and family therapist, explains โThe goal is usually to separate you from people who might spot the manipulationโ.
My โfriendโ bad-mouthed my other friends and tried to tell me they werenโt good for me. And always made me feel guilty for spending time with them. Luckily, I didnโt lose ties with them and in the end, it was their friendship that helped me to walk away from the manipulation.
By surrounding yourself with a solid support system of friends and family, itโs hard for someone to manipulate you. Youโve always got people to look out for your best interests, even when you canโt do that for yourself, and call out manipulative behavior when they see it.
5) Donโt act on impulse; pause, slow everything down
Look: itโs no secret that emotions cloud our judgment. As outlined by psychotherapist and executive coach Moshe Ratson MBA โStrong emotions can impair our judgment and make it challenging to think objectively and criticallyโ.
This is exactly what manipulators want. They want to create an emotionally charged situation that plays on your emotions and forces you to act on impulse.
Thatโs why one of the red flags of a manipulator is making you feel pressured into doing something.
But if you just slow everything down and resist the temptation to act on impulse, you give your emotions a chance to calm down a little, and you can think more clearly again.
One of the most effective ways to shut down a manipulator without losing your cool is to pause, slow things down, and avoid acting on impulse. Itโll prevent you from making any big mistakes that give the manipulator power, and itโll frustrate them like crazy.
6) Stick to facts and document everything
When it comes to manipulators, youโve got to stick to the facts and document everything. If you donโt, theyโll probably try to use one of their favorite tactics on you; gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where the manipulator tries to distort reality to make the victim question their sanity. Theyโll try to make you think youโre going crazy by suggesting things didnโt happen the way you remember.
This is very confusing and dangerous as you trust this person, so if theyโre telling you something, you want to believe it even when it conflicts with your thoughts deep down. The only way to defend yourself against this is to stick to the facts.
Iโd go as far as to keep a record of factual things that have happened and that have been said so that when they try to make you question yourself, youโve got a record and youโre sure about what happened.
If they canโt make you question yourself and they canโt distort the facts, then itโs pretty much impossible for them to gaslight you successfully and get what they want from you.
Final thoughts
Manipulation is a cruel and selfish act where the manipulator is hurting you for their personal gain.
Although itโs never your fault if it happens, it is your responsibility to do everything you can to protect yourself against it and put a stop to it as soon as you can.
If you suspect youโre being manipulated and you want to shut it down without losing your cool, then follow these 6 steps and youโll disarm your manipulator in no time.
When they realize they canโt get what they want from you, theyโll move on to somebody else.
