Roselle Umlas
Have you ever experienced this – you’re at a dinner party, chatting with friends, and suddenly you find yourself in a heated disagreement?
You don’t want to be disagreeable, but you also don’t want to back down from your position.
I know how it feels, I’ve experienced this so many times myself. The good news is, there are several ways to do that without ruffling feathers or losing your cool.
In this article, I’ll share eleven effective ways to disagree with someone while still keeping it classy – something we all need in this already chaotic world!
Let’s dive in!
1) Do a polite pivot
I’ll start with a personal favorite I often use when a debate starts to heat up – a polite pivot. For me, redirection is one of the best ways to defuse a potentially explosive situation.
Instead of getting defensive or aggressive, simply steer the conversation in a new direction by saying, “That’s an interesting perspective. I see things a bit differently, though.”
This approach allows you to express your point of view while also giving the other person an opportunity to reconsider their stance without feeling attacked.
Remember, being classy means you want the other person to feel comfortable even when you’re disagreeing with them!
2) Use “I” statements
Notice how the statement in the previous section is framed? When you’re expressing disagreement, it’s always wise to use “I” statements.
Why? Because it shows ownership and disarms the other person.
You’re not explicitly saying, “You’re wrong because…” – that’s a definite no-no because it makes people feel defensive right away.
An “I” statement, on the other hand, shifts the focus to your own feelings and thoughts. There’s an implied acknowledgement that whatever the other person’s saying is valid, even if doesn’t jive with yours.
3) Ask questions to find common ground
Sometimes, the key to resolving a disagreement lies in finding a middle ground that both parties can accept.
One way to do that is to ask questions. It’s actually a really thoughtful move because people love talking about their opinions, and you’re giving them the space to do that.
You’re opening the floor for a more productive dialogue because you’re showing you’re interested in their thought process.
Here are some examples of useful questions:
- I’m curious, what led you to that conclusion?
- Would you care to share more about why you see it that way?
- What do you believe are the core issues we both want to resolve here?
Questions like these are perfect for finding areas of compromise or shared interests that can help bridge the gap between your differing opinions.
4) Identify shared values
In the course of asking questions, this is one goal you should be aiming for. Because when people disagree, it’s easy to lose track of what really matters.
Heated words and high emotions can do that…and the conversation could quickly spiral into personal attacks!
But when you identify the shared values or goals underlying both of your viewpoints, it makes for a much smoother and more productive conversation.
For instance, if you’re talking about politics, you might say: “I think we both want what’s best for our country, but we have different ideas about how to achieve that.”
This tactic steers you both away from the disagreement and back toward shared aspirations – which goes a long way in reducing tension and infusing the convo with a sense of camaraderie.
5) Use artful analogies
This one’s another personal favorite. It might be the teacher in me, but I’ve found that drawing comparisons or analogies can be really powerful in helping someone see your perspective better.
How do you do it?
Link your POV to a situation or concept that the other person is familiar with.
Let’s say you’re discussing personal boundaries with your partner. You could say something like how relationships are gardens and boundaries are the fences that gardeners put up to protect the plants from being trampled or destroyed.
Whenever I use this trick, nine times out of ten, the other person gets my side – sometimes, they just need a visual image to get it!
6) Make a compliment sandwich
Another trick that works really well in communication is a compliment sandwich.
What is that, you ask?
It’s simply the art of couching your POV between two positive statements – hence, a sandwich!
For example, if you’re dealing with a co-worker:
“I really appreciate your close attention to detail and the thorough research you’ve done on this project…
“However, I have a different perspective on the strategy we should take for the marketing campaign. I believe that focusing more on social media engagement could yield better results, given our target audience…
“That being said, I think the visual elements you’ve designed are truly eye-catching and will definitely capture our audience’s attention, no matter which strategy we ultimately decide on.”
See how the opposing opinion is sandwiched between two compliments? It’s a really classy way to deliver your viewpoint!
7) Insert an empathetic statement
Using compliment sandwiches is just one example of an overarching spirit you should have in disagreeable conversations – empathy.
You know why? Because it sends the message that you understand and acknowledge the other person’s feelings.
And that goes a long way in defusing tension! People like feeling heard, and empathetic statements (e.g. “I can see why you might feel that way…”) give them that feeling.
So, even if you’re disagreeing with them, the element of respect is always there.
8) Inject a little gentle humor
Another way to keep disagreements classy is by using a little humor.
But be careful to do this only if it seems appropriate. If the situation permits, try lightening the mood with a playful comment or a clever joke.
I was once having a discussion with a colleague about how to best organize our shared workspace. We are both obsessive about organizing and designing spaces, so the convo was becoming a bit too tense for my liking.
Fortunately, she suddenly blurted, “You know, with our passion for being organized, we should put up a company and give The Home Edit some competition!”
That quickly lightened the atmosphere, and we eventually found a way to combine our organizational styles.
9) Make a gentle reminder
Sometimes, it’s good to keep it simple. When things are escalating and going awry, you can just give both yourself and the other person a gentle reminder.
Pause and say something like, “Okay, let’s calm down a bit. Let’s remember to be respectful even if we may not agree with each other.”
This can go a long way in preventing inflammatory language or personal attacks.
10) Stick to the facts
Isn’t it frustrating when the conversation starts out low-key then turns emotionally charged? People can get so upset that they veer off-course and start speaking from a place of emotion.
I’ve been guilty of this myself. Sometimes when the heat is on, I begin to lose sight of the rational and let my feelings speak for me.
But over the years, I’ve learned to manage my emotions and stick to the facts. Because if you want a rational and constructive discussion, the facts have to come first.
How do you deal when the other person is no longer operating objectively?
Say, “I get where you’re coming from, but based on the data/facts/evidence, it seems there’s a different conclusion.”
Just make sure you’ve got your facts straight and can back up your claims with reliable sources. You don’t want to be the one who’s operating from “false facts!”
11) Disengage and walk away
What if you’ve tried all the other strategies on this list, and you still find see eye to eye?
The smart thing to do here would be to bow out gracefully. You can do it with a classy statement like:
- “Well, I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree.”
- “It’s clear we have different opinions on this topic, and that’s okay. Let’s talk about something else we both enjoy.”
- “All right, you’ve heard my side and I’ve heard yours, so I think we can leave it at that. Can we move on to something else?”
These are some ways to end the conversation with respect and dignity. After all, you don’t want to burn bridges.
Remember, sometimes it’s better to be kind than to be right. That’s if you want to stay classy!
Final thoughts
Disagreements are a natural part of life, so it’s always good to know how to handle them in a classy and respectful way.
As you can see, it takes a great deal of emotional intelligence or maturity because it involves mindful listening, managing your emotions, and keeping it classy.
And before I forget, it’s also important to admit when you’re wrong or when the other person has a valid point. Disagreements don’t have to be a source of stress; you can see it as an opportunity to learn different perspectives!
